To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

People here have made me feel awful.

You asked for advice

You got a LOT of advice which you didn't like

Now it's our fault?

Please grow up

Your mother told you she had lost a baby

You are saying that she didn't tell you and making this all about you

Your posts are all 'poor me'. You are very self absorbed

Please try to accept responsibility for issues you create.

I’ve had similar op. Both of my parents have died over the last few years.
Before my mum died helping her with family paperwork I noticed on one sibling’s birthday certificate it said ‘One’ under ‘previous Still births’ (I think that is what it was described as). I said nothing -Consulted with sibling - we agreed it must just have been a mistake as later siblings’ bcs did not have any such entry. We didn’t raise it with our elderly mum. Every now and then I think about it and wonder. There is something I appreciate about the slight uncertainty as it gives me a respect for my parents as people with their own lives and troubles and joys etc not all of which are to do with me.
Given your posts I’d personally leave it and respect that they would not want to discuss.
This is so dependant on your family dynamic though.
Support all.

But the OP hasn't created any issues because she hasn't spoken to her mother about this.

I posted that it wasn't a good idea and I hope my post didn't upset, it's just that having adult DCs did make me think of how I would feel if one of my DCs insisted on having a conversation about something I didn't want to talk about so I was posting from that perspective.

OP...forget the posts that have upset you, AIBU is brutal. I've been here forever and wouldn't dream of starting a post there. I'm sure you will do the right thing with your Mum, don't be upset, unfortunately posters just nitpick and find a weak spot and don't stop on and on. I know what it's like to be bullied online, and it is upsetting.
I hope you slept, today is a new day,

@upbowcreek - hi op. I was in my late 20s when my aunt (dm's sister) referred to 'the lost baby'. I asked her what she meant and it turned out my dm had delivered a stillborn baby between me as db.

I just figured that if my dps wanted me to know or to talk to me about it, they'd have done so. I never felt like I was spying on them - just stored it away as a piece of information that helped me understand dm a bit better. It wasn't even mentioned when I had a miscarriage, albeit an early one.

DM did bring it up eventually actually - when she was in her late 80s and df had just died. The death of the person she'd been married to for 66 years unleashed all her emotional restraints and all manner of stuff came pouring out - including the stillborn baby.

I really don't think there's anything to be gained from bringing this up now. You knowing isn't harming anyone, but bringing it up might.

People only talk about the loss of a baby if they want to. It’s an incredibly personal decision, do not rake up this pain against their wishes.

Those saying you can't empathise...what about the posters who have said it might be a relief to have it in the open? That is all I am thinking here. That it's a hard subject to bring up, that perhaps they might appreciate their baby being acknowledged, that it might bring some comfort.

I suspect that, in all the years since you were born, if they wanted to have this out in the open they would have said something. Dragging it up now out of the blue has the potential to upset them much more.

Your response that you wouldn't have been born but for this is a little odd. We're all the product of chance; if our parents had DTD resulting in our conception just a day later we wouldn't be the same people. I had two miscarriages, but for which neither of my children would have been born. It makes no difference whatsoever to my love for them, if anything it makes me love them even more.

[quote upbowcreek]@25CC12939 Thank you. Crying my eyes out here. I was just looking for advice. I'm not a horrible person. People here have made me feel awful.[/quote]
I’m sorry this thread has upset you OP. You thought about about doing something and asked for opinions. The overwhelming majority thought that what you were contemplating was insensitive and would potentially be upsetting/painful for your mum.

The strongly worded opinions of total strangers have caused you so much pain and upset that you are crying your eyes out. Think about how much worse that could have been if it had been someone you loved and trusted provoking those painful feelings. Once you have some perspective on this you might be glad that those strongly worded opinions stopped you stirring up painful memories and feelings for your mum.

If you really need to talk about this, perhaps reconsider discussing it with your sister stressing that you don’t want it to get back to your parents? You think she would tell them but from what you say she has known about their loss pretty much all her life and has only mentioned it to you once so she might be be more discreet than you give her credit for.

@upbowcreek

Thank you *@longwigglylines*. I will indeed leave them to it now. You've had your fun people. Move along and find your next victim.

Oh stop it.

You haven't responded to the many people who have (politely) told you why they think its a bad idea.

I don’t understand how being firmly advised to be more sensitive and respectful of your mum’s boundaries has left you crying your eyes out and referring to being a “victim” on this thread.

AIBU can be appalling sometimes but here, it hasn’t been. It’s just been extremely clear that your idea was insensitive and you should definitely back off. Hundreds of posters feel that way. It’s an emotive topic you’ve raised, so they feel it deeply.

When you have posted replies ignoring gentle advice and repeatedly centring yourself, people have naturally scaled up to pithier replies. But it has not been a bullying thread.

Every single response you’ve posted just underlines that you don’t seem remotely interested in prioritising sensitivity or discretion. It’s all about your desire to “tell your parents you know” (something you already knew!!).

@ShortSilence

I don’t understand how being firmly advised to be more sensitive and respectful of your mum’s boundaries has left you crying your eyes out and referring to being a “victim” on this thread.

AIBU can be appalling sometimes but here, it hasn’t been. It’s just been extremely clear that your idea was insensitive and you should definitely back off. Hundreds of posters feel that way. It’s an emotive topic you’ve raised, so they feel it deeply.

When you have posted replies ignoring gentle advice and repeatedly centring yourself, people have naturally scaled up to pithier replies. But it has not been a bullying thread.

Every single response you’ve posted just underlines that you don’t seem remotely interested in prioritising sensitivity or discretion. It’s all about your desire to “tell your parents you know” (something you already knew!!).

That you can't see this is an insensitive and unnecessary pile on says more about you than the OP.

And now she's communicating how upset she is yet you're still carrying on.

Shame on you.

I feel more sorry for the women on here that op scared by saying she found records of a still birth online when she didn't.

She didn't apologise or explain at all, just changed her story.

I feel sorry for ops parents who have suffered such a massive loss and now have a child who wants to quiz them about lying and make it about herself.

Op hasn't really acknowledged any of the bereaved parents on here who have shared their heartbreaking stories to help op understand where her parents are coming from, and, instead, has once again turned herself into the 'bullied victim.

Shame on op.

It’s an emotive topic you’ve raised, so they feel it deeply.

That. I actually became quite stressed reading your posts OP. Privacy is hugely important to me, and I've had my own sad loss that I chose to manage in my own way. I'm sure I'm not alone. It freaks me out they someone could do what you plan, so yes, I responded pretty bluntly.

But whatever tone people have responded to you in, it doesn't make the advice any different. And you still are entirely self focused in every single one of your posts, clinging to the tiny number of people who've said what you want to hear, and ignoring the huge majority. That gets frustrating and explains how people became more and more blunt with you.

Thing is, a third trimester loss to me is different to a baby that was born and lived a few hours then died.

The op definitely minimised the loss in her first post.

And the op knew it wasn’t a stillbirth. If you have a stillbirth you get a stillbirth certificate, not a death certificate.

I think there's a big division in the generations at play here and a lack of respect for how people of different generations deal with things. Let's face it we are a generation of navel gazers. This American culture of self absorption has really peaked here now. I'm glad we recognise the loss an expectant mother feels surrounding losing an unborn baby nowadays. Years ago though it just wasn't like that. Nowadays there's Facebook groups lighting candles for chemical pregnancies. But back then a miscarriage wouldn't have really been something heavily 'grieved' poor women and men often lost babies and older children to disease and if they weren't so mentally 'strong' enough to buckle up and carry on we'd never survive the next generations. I can't imagine what it must have been like. But with the greatest of respect - a miscarriage was probably either largely undetected or 'one of those things'. We do force our feelings on to older people. It may not be painful as such for your mum but it would likely be an intrusion of her privacy.

I’m not ashamed of my posts here and moreover I’m deeply impressed with the persuasive points many other posters have contributed, often volunteering personal accounts of their own painful experiences.

OP has ignored the vast majority of them and cried foul because she’s clearly in the wrong.

I’ve seen plenty of gleeful MN pile-ons and often found them disturbing. This isn’t one of those.

My post is poorly phrased for which I apologise.

This is difficult for me.

If you have a stillbirth you don’t get a birth and death certificate.

You get a stillbirth certificate.

So the fact that the op was able to order a death certificate means that this was a baby that lived and died. It was not a stillbirth.

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/baby-loss/stillbirth/registering-your-babys-stillbirth

Sorry for sounding insensitive. And sorry for anyone who is facing bad memories.

I’d like to add that I am not ashamed of my posts. I had a late loss and it isn’t something I’d like to discuss with my children in any depth. They know I lost a baby late in pregnancy and that’s all they need to know.

I don’t owe them my pain to make them understand. They can’t ask that if me. It’s mine and my pain and I don’t want to open it for anyone else, not even them. It would serve no purpose.

@Sleazeyjet

I’d like to add that I am not ashamed of my posts. I had a late loss and it isn’t something I’d like to discuss with my children in any depth. They know I lost a baby late in pregnancy and that’s all they need to know.

I don’t owe them my pain to make them understand. They can’t ask that if me. It’s mine and my pain and I don’t want to open it for anyone else, not even them. It would serve no purpose.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can understand your feelings. I lost a baby many years ago. It's not something I ever plan on telling my children. It was early in the pregnancy and I don't feel it has any place being bought up now or ever. I would feel uncomfortable with talking about it or advertising it on social media or acknowledging how old they'd be etc. Its a closed chapter. I accepted it wasn't meant to be and moved on. Not every body needs the same process in healing.

I think “I don’t owe them my pain” sums up how I feel. I love my children totally but my suffering is not theirs to be the audience to. Like others I don’t think you are being kind or thoughtful OP. To me this is self indulgence on your part at the expense of your parents. I’m also fairly sad at your total disregard to all the women who’ve shared thoughts and feelings about the death of their children. It’s not all about you.

[quote Medievalist]@upbowcreek - hi op. I was in my late 20s when my aunt (dm's sister) referred to 'the lost baby'. I asked her what she meant and it turned out my dm had delivered a stillborn baby between me as db.

I just figured that if my dps wanted me to know or to talk to me about it, they'd have done so. I never felt like I was spying on them - just stored it away as a piece of information that helped me understand dm a bit better. It wasn't even mentioned when I had a miscarriage, albeit an early one.

DM did bring it up eventually actually - when she was in her late 80s and df had just died. The death of the person she'd been married to for 66 years unleashed all her emotional restraints and all manner of stuff came pouring out - including the stillborn baby.

I really don't think there's anything to be gained from bringing this up now. You knowing isn't harming anyone, but bringing it up might.

[/quote]
This made me tear up 😣. How was your mum after she told you the things she’d been holding close to her for all those years? Do you think it felt cathartic for her or did it just dredge up the pain all over again?

[quote upbowcreek]@25CC12939 Thank you. Crying my eyes out here. I was just looking for advice. I'm not a horrible person. People here have made me feel awful.[/quote]
The nicest way I can find to say this, and I am a bereaved mother (my baby died neonatally), is the way you are thinking and your mindset is the opposite to one which would be helpful or supportive to your parents. Just leave them to bring anything else in their own time and way, and respect it if they don’t.

But the OP hasn't created any issues because she hasn't spoken to her mother about this.

She has created a brouhaha on here - and now she's blaming everyone else. The OPs issue is herself imo

I don't understand the OPs question, her mother lost a child. Her mother told the OP that she lost a child. The Op wants to tell her that she knows! (But her mother has already told her). How old the baby was is irrelevant, surely. Still devastating for your mum, Im sure. Having another child after you have lost one is an absolute blessing.

I've not read everything but so sorry to those who have lost babies

OP, you have been told about your stillborn sibling. Nothing has been kept from you here. Your DM mentioned it to you, in her own terms. You don't need to pick apart what she meant by 'early on'. If she had wanted to discuss it further, she was able to do so, but has chosen not to. If you have a candid relationship, I would suggest this may be perhaps because she has got her grief to a manageable level and would prefer not to go through all of the details again. Especially with your dad being so ill recently.

If you would like to talk about this, maybe your sister would be a good point of contact?

Op do you have kids?

If so you would know that no matter whether they are planned or not, they are your world. Or should be.

You sound like you have a lovely mum and dad.

My dd wasn't planned. I still wanted her as soon as I found out. Like you wouldn't believe. She's my world.

If I'd of gotten accidentally pregnant I'd of been over the moon.

You are massively over thinking this.

I wasn't planned. My sister wasn't planned. My daughter wasn't planned.

So what. We are here. We are all loved unconditionally and cherished.

Life isn't a plan and if it is it never usually goes to that plan.

Stop worrying, your parents love you regardless.