To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

@upbowcreek

To clarify, the early on comment was about the pregnancy not the marriage. It was said in the context of my own miscarriage so I am sure about that.

I would respectfully suggest that unless she actually specifically said that she lost a baby in very similar circumstances to you then you really don’t know that that’s what she meant. She could still have meant that she lost a baby early on, in the early days, or it could also be that she knowingly undertold it because she didn’t want to discuss it in any detail, or perhaps it’s a way for her to maintain some emotional distance from it.

Let it go. It's none of your business. It would be cruel and unnecessary to mention it.

I'm puzzled as to what records you've found that state when your mother lost a baby? Are medical records not supposed to be confidential?

I would say nothing.

I dislike families keeping secrets when they directly affect someone's life (I've been on the receiving end) but this doesn't have any particular impact on you day to day, aside from whatever emotions are tied up in it now.

Perhaps you could talk to your sister about it, if you need to talk to someone?

She did mention it though, and she’s clearly uncomfortable with discussing it otherwise I assume (not knowing your mother obviously!) that it would have been discussed further at that time... if she wished.
I wouldn’t mention it, it gains no one any more important knowledge and only brings up difficult emotions.

I don't understand why you would bring it up. At all. Do you really think they'll appreciate you dragging up painful memories?

@PartyAPartyB

Wow, there are some very harsh replies on here. Personally I have a very open relationship with my mum because it's important to both of us that we can speak about anything even if it's sad for one of us. I hope to have the same relationship with my child and wouldn't appreciate a stranger in the internet telling them they can't talk to me about something because it might upset me . So there's that.

Well don't ask strangers on the internet for their opinion then

I really don’t think you have your parents best interests at heart here. You’ve made it all about you.

Your parents have a right to a private life, this is nothing to do with you and could still cause your mother pain. It is not a piece of gossip. If they wished you to know they would tell you

Your husband is right. Let this go. What you’re planning is unacceptable.

Personally I have a very open relationship with my mum because it's important to both of us that we can speak about anything even if it's sad for one of us

And yet she didn’t tell you. Read the crowd op.

[quote upbowcreek]@fourteafallout

That's a bit harsh. Of course it's not like catching them on a gotcha. It's just that we otherwise have an open and honest relationship, and the idea of them not knowing that I know feels wrong somehow. Almost like spying.[/quote]
This isn't about having an open and honest relationship though is it? Its you thinking you have a right to call them about about 'lying' to you somehow.

Some things are best just left tbh.

Challenging them does nothing but hurt everyone involved. And for what?

It won't improve your relationship nor create a more 'open and honest relationship'.

I would leave very well alone. If she has not mentioned this particular child she probably has her own reasons and I would leave her be.

My dad told me at 25 completely out of the blue that I had an uncle that was murdered when my dad was young. I never knew he had another brother and felt aggrieved that I didn't know, years later I realised it was dad's story to share and he didn't have to. So I do understand where you are coming from.

My nan asked me where her baby was, 70 years old with dementia. I asked what the baby was called and she said a name that didn't belong to my mum(her dd) or any of my aunties and uncles. Turned out she was asking for her firstborn who was born and died when she was 16. She did remember that he died at one point and cried like a newly grieving mum, my heart ached for her. She never spoke of this child by name before she had dementia, she had only mentioned in passing that she had lost a child (I assumed wrongly that it was a miscarriage) but the grief stayed with her despite going on to have seven healthy children. Why risk raising something that could cause your mum grief?

Based on your replies here, I’m getting the impression you fully intend to bring it up regardless of what is being said, because ... well, just because you want to.

That business of “It’s like spying if I don’t” is so disingenuous. You seem to feel childishly entitled to a conversation about this, regardless of the possibility of it upsetting your mum’s peace of mind.

Hope I’m wrong.

Loss at that stage is likely to be highly traumatic.

You have nothing to gain from asking them, and they have a lot to lose.

YWBVU to raise something so personal when they clearly don't want to discuss it (otherwise they would have).

Family history digs up an awful lot of things that people may want to forget. I also discovered that my parents got married when my mum was pregnant with my sister but there's no way i'd embarass them by mentioning it to them.

As for the late miscarriage, maybe your mum still doesn't want to talk about it? You have to respect that.

I'm in my early 50s and was very young when my mum had a stillbirth. As a family it was something we never discussed after the event. That's just the way things were then and it was only two years ago when mum knew I was doing a family tree that I finally plucked up the courage to ask her the baby's name and date of birth/death. We chatted briefly at the time about the circumstances but she hasn't wanted to talk about it since.

I am surprised at the overwhelming "Don't do it" response on this.

Personally, I'm torn, but I've never lost a child.

With regard to the "early on" comment, it could be that OP's Mother was referring to another pregnancy altogether.

I guess my thinking would be that to mention it came up in the research and say something like "that must've been really hard for you" would be okay. Depending on the response, if you want more detail re sex, chosen name, etc, then maybe that would be a good thing for your parent/s to finally talk about and acknowledge. It may be a relief. I don't necessarily think it's healthy to commemorate such losses, but a complete lack of acknowledgement also seems 'wrong' and very sad somehow. It may be that they handled it as best they knew at the time, but that does not mean to say they can't benefit from a different approach now.

But this worries me: “ I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.”
So if they hadn't had you , you wouldn't have known any different 😏
Thus us your parent's private life. If your mother wanted you to know all the details she would have.
I found otr something serious about my mother about 20 years ago that happened to her. Some may say its family buisness that family members should know.However I think it is her private buisness. She would have told me if she wanted me to know.
Its not a pretence as you call it. Its being discrete and sensitive to my parents wishes.

Wow, there are some very harsh replies on here. Personally I have a very open relationship with my mum because it's important to both of us that we can speak about anything even if it's sad for one of us. I hope to have the same relationship with my child and wouldn't appreciate a stranger in the internet telling them they can't talk to me about something because it might upset me. So there's that

OP's mum has already told her - I think you are missing the point of mumsnet threads also..

Don't pick wounds that have healed.

I had a stillbirth before my son was born. He is only small still, and we do plan to tell him, but I can see how it would be easy to keep putting it off thinking it’s not the right time, and then at some point it feels too late and it’s hard to know how to bring it up. There may be a way you can ask questions that leave it open for them to tell you. Or you could simply show curiosity about the fact your mother said she had lost a baby early on - what was that like for her? If she has mentioned that, and your relationship with her is good, I see no reason why this should be intrusive.

Based on your replies here, I’m getting the impression you fully intend to bring it up regardless of what is being said, because ... well, just because you want to.

That business of “It’s like spying if I don’t” is so disingenuous. You seem to feel childishly entitled to a conversation about this, regardless of the possibility of it upsetting your mum’s peace of mind
I totally agree and you have articulated what I was trying to say.
There is no reason for you to know if your mother choices to keep this to herself. Although you have found this information out she still has a right to privacy.

This is none of your business. The baby presumably died at birth - if it had lived for some time, had been and introduced to family/community, I could maybe understand wanting to know more about its personality and little things like that, because that was your living sibling - but this baby was lost in pregnancy, and therefore the only people who have rights to its memory are your parents. It is for them to tell you what they choose.

I don't know where you're getting the nonsense about you never being born, you weren't even the child born afterwards, your sister was. And even if you were, it's just a silly way to look at things. You couldn't possibly know or guess what your family set up would look like - perhaps your parents wanted six children but losing the baby scared them too much to risk it. I was an unplanned pregnancy so a number of events could have ensured my non-existence, but I can't say the thought has bothered me

If you cared about your mother you will respect her wishes and not raise this. You know it’s her wishes because she has declined to ever discuss it. Respect that.

It’s not about you. Your post comes across as very immature. You believe they wouldn’t have had you. What a terrible inward focused view point. Not one comment about your mother, her pain or why she’d chose not to discuss it

It’s all about you and your rights. It is not about your entitlement, your rights, your thoughts, it’s about your mother, and she has made her views clear. She has not discussed it through choice

If you remotely care about her. Then respect that.

Based on your posts, OP, you are the insensitive one.

@PaperTowels still births after 24 weeks have to be registered like any other birth and death. They are a matter of public record and will come up on ancestry searches.

Please don't bring it up with your mum, if she told you she lost a baby 'early on' then that's how she is choosing to be able to bear it - are you sure she didn't mean 'early on' in her marriage though?

I can't think of a possible positive outcome to that conversation - are you hoping she's going to reassure you that you would have been born anyway. You know a lot of people have a third child after a gap of some years so not sure what you are basing 'you not being born' if the other baby had lived on anyway.

The late loss of the baby is your parent's burden and if they wanted to talk to you openly about it they would have long before now. I think it would be completely disrespectful if you to bring it up.