To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

You are not going into this with good intentions, it seems to me. Like a PP said, it's almost like you think you've found a gotcha.

And anyway, it turns out your DM did mention a loss to you - do you want to drag her over the coals as to exactly how "early" or "late" that loss was?!

I think it depends how you feel about it. If it's making you feel bad or weird in a way that's affecting your life negatively, I think you could very gently bring it up - especially if you come at it from that angle. Or maybe talk to your sister first if you know she knows?

Times were different back then and baby loss is much more openly discussed nowadays. I voted YABU but I’m in 2 minds. If you were going to gently broach the subject and find out more about the circumstances, then maybe.

But this worries me: “ I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.”

As a parent, I am dreading my DD saying this. There is less than a year between her and her late older brother and I still haven’t reconciled this. If I had him, I wouldn’t have her, that’s the reality. But she thought she wasn’t wanted or thought she was a substitute, then she would be very very wrong. And that approach would be painful for all concerned.

As someone who lost their last dc please don't mention it.

Nobody knows except my dh. If they wanted to talk about it /have it remembered they would have told you.
Some things are really none of anyone's business..
No offence meant op.

This really isn't your business if your mum wanted to share the details she would have maybe it is too painful and you have no idea if they would have had another baby or not.

Early on could have meant early on in her marriage. I wouldn’t raise it. Maybe chat generally with your Mum about researching your history and see if she if it prompts her to speak. I’m your age and my Mum talks about her brother and his wife having to get married (pregnant teen) and how she had a suit not a wedding dress. Different world. Your Mum may be embarrassed at having had to get married. Miscarriage and stillbirth was viewed very differently.

@papertowels

Did you mean to be do horrible?
My intentions are good.
Nothing to do with playing gotcha.
I love my parents and would not want to hurt them. I just feel dishonest by not telling them I know this. Like spying as I said in a pp.
I am not trying to drag them over the coals on terminology they used.
Wow, unbelievable.
You know you can choose tonight reply instead of being so mean. Fine to disagree but do it in a decent way for goodness sake. You don't even know me so how dare you assume my intentions to be anything other than what I have said?

It feels a bit gotcha

If you think your mum actually wants to talk about it then say "oh look your first baby is on here, that's nice isn't it?"

I wouldn't have had my second son if I hadn't had a miscarriage, but it doesn't mean anything. I wouldn't bring it up, I think they would've told you if they'd wanted you to know.

It’s really difficult to advise. The fact they haven’t told you probably means that it was obviously a very painful experience and they want to let it lie, but on the other hand I think it’s awful to not know parts of the family history and sadly, when your parents have died, the opportunity will have gone.
Is there another relative, say an Aunt who you could ask?
I wouldn’t dwell on the thought that they probably wouldn’t have had you if the previous baby had lived, you cannot be sure about that and it could cause you unnecessary stress.

Wait, what? So she did mention to you about losing a baby, and you want to bring it up again because ... you don’t feel she described it accurately? You want to make sure she knows that you know it was a third trimester loss, in the name of ‘honesty’?

I can scarcely imagine how you could put that into words sensitively. It’s all about you wanting a conversation, centring yourself. She has already told you what she’s comfortable telling you.

I'm really sorry for your loss @Elvesinquarantine and for other losses of posters on this thread.

OP I know from experience that discovering a secret about your family can make you feel isolated and lonely. I hope this is not the case for you, but if it is you know your parents best and you know your relationship with them best. If you did decide to broach it, you know the signs that your parents will give you if they need you to back off. I would only do it if you really feel you need to, though.

Fwiw 40 odd years Ago. A third trimester miscarriage wouldn't have been seen as it is even 20odd years ago. It really was a different. Time and women were expected to suck it up And move on.

They have you and your sister and may not want to revisit the pain. I wouldn't put them through having to talk about it.

@Nannewnannew

It’s really difficult to advise. The fact they haven’t told you probably means that it was obviously a very painful experience and they want to let it lie, but on the other hand I think it’s awful to not know parts of the family history and sadly, when your parents have died, the opportunity will have gone. Is there another relative, say an Aunt who you could ask? I wouldn’t dwell on the thought that they probably wouldn’t have had you if the previous baby had lived, you cannot be sure about that and it could cause you unnecessary stress.

It's not even a secret! The OP's mother already told her they had a loss.

OP is quibbling over how late the loss was.

If they had wanted to talk to you about it more, they would have... Talked to you about it more.

This belongs to them, not you. Leave it be.

@ShortSilence

Wait, what? So she did mention to you about losing a baby, and you want to bring it up again because ... you don’t feel she described it accurately? You want to make sure she knows that you know it was a third trimester loss, in the name of ‘honesty’?

I can scarcely imagine how you could put that into words sensitively. It’s all about you wanting a conversation, centring yourself. She has already told you what she’s comfortable telling you.

Blunt but yes, I agree.

But your Mum did tell you - in your first post you made it sound as if they'd kept it a secret, which they didn't. Perhaps it's a very painful thing for her still.

She may be embarrassed that she was pregnant before she was married, perhaps not something she wants to discuss with you.

'They may not have had me if baby had survived' - but the baby didn't, so this doesn't mean anything. They had you, and by your posts they love you and you love them.

Honestly, what do you hope to achieve by bringing this up?

What would you expect them to say in response to this? Bringing it up and upsetting them again seems unnecessary just because you have found out more details than you already knew. If they wanted to discuss it they would have.

OP your opening post is at odds with What you later go on to discuss. Why?

Your mum did tell you.

If she'd have wanted to elaborate, she would have.

Sorry but I do agree with a PP, that it is almost like a gotcha - your mum has told you and she's told you exactly what she feels comfortable telling you.

Leave it.

Hi OP - I’m not actually sure what would be best. It depends on how close your relationship is. If your DM has talked about it to another sibling then perhaps she would be open to discussing it if it was mentioned gently at a private time.

One thing though, I wouldn’t mention it in the context of ‘I strongly suspect they wouldn’t have had me if the baby had survived’. It’s not really relevant and makes it sound more about you than your parents’ loss which I’m sure was not your intention.

I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived

I wouldn't bring it up with them, they'd give you details if they wanted to share them and it sounds like you'd be opening a painful can of worms.

As for the above, about how they might not have had you if the baby had survived - its not helpful thinking, is it? I know it is difficult to realise you might not have been conceived/born and wouldn't exist now but you were and you do so it seems senseless giving such a 'what if' the headspace. I've lost babies at differing stages of pregnancy and, truthfully, I wouldn't have the DC I have now if those babies had survived because I wouldn't have been in a position to get pregnant due to having a newborn/being about to have a newborn. I don't ever consider the 'what ifs' because I have the DC I'm supposed to have.

My ds and dd died.

I have told my dc about them, however, I have left out some of the details as it is traumatic for me, and would be traumatic for my dc.

If they felt the need to bring me to task years later because I didn't describe MY losses accurately I would be absolutely devestated.

Doing this would be an entirely selfish act.

Op, it has been mentioned, you have just discovered more detail.

I would let it be, what good can it do raking it all up again?

If you really can't leave it then you could simply say that you remember it being mentioned and you have come across the detail of it in your research. Then, if it is not still too raw, your mum will talk to you about it.