To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

[quote BombyliusMajor]@PaperTowels still births after 24 weeks have to be registered like any other birth and death. They are a matter of public record and will come up on ancestry searches.[/quote]
Oh I see. Well the OP's mother has had the chance to share that with OP, and hasn't wanted to.

But, sadly, I can see the OP blundering into this one...

If they wanted to talk to you about it they would have.

Yabu. She told you that she lost a baby, you didn’t and don’t need to know any more than that.

[quote upbowcreek]@papertowels

Did you mean to be do horrible?
My intentions are good.
Nothing to do with playing gotcha.
I love my parents and would not want to hurt them. I just feel dishonest by not telling them I know this. Like spying as I said in a pp.
I am not trying to drag them over the coals on terminology they used.
Wow, unbelievable.
You know you can choose tonight reply instead of being so mean. Fine to disagree but do it in a decent way for goodness sake. You don't even know me so how dare you assume my intentions to be anything other than what I have said?[/quote]
Nothing papertowels said was horrible or mean.

The reason why people are saying it seems like a gotcha is because it does.

Your mum told you about the baby, essentially what bringing up what you’ve found out means is, saying to her “I know you told me about losing a baby but you didn’t tell me the truth.” You may not word it like that but that’s how it came across.

She told you she lost a baby. You have no idea how she felt about it. She may have thought of it as a miscarriage, and moved on, if she’d got married because she was pregnant losing a baby may in part have felt like a blessing to her, or alternatively she may have suffered a lot of pain because of it. No-one knows but her. And opening up the conversation just puts her in a position where she feels she has to talk about her own feelings, feelings which you might not be comfortable with, or which she might not be comfortable with.

How early or late on she lost this baby is literally none of your business.

OP I do think you are getting a hard time on here. My DH was told by his mother (when he was still a child) that he would probably never have been born had she not miscarried a previous pregnancy. That threw him into quite an existential crisis. It’s only natural to think about these sorts of things.

I would imagine she said it was early to cover the fact she was pg when they married, in case anyone ever looked up the dates like you have now OP?

What is it you want to ask her? I’ve lost a baby and I do worry I don’t talk about it enough/at all with my children. Can you explain what and why you feel you need to know more?

They already told you about their loss. It would be incredibly insensitive to say bring it up again because somehow it has more significance now you've discovered it for yourself.
Extrapolating that they wouldn't have had you, is horribly self-indulgent. This is your loss of a sibling. This isn't a potential loss of your place in the family.
Can I ask how you did discover it? I know my DM lost my DSIS at a similar stage. I've researched our family tree and there weren't any official records of third trimester losses.

Trigger alert:

My dm lost a baby - stillborn- before I was born. I have always been aware of it. However, dm never mentions it. I think fifty years ago, such matters weren’t spoken about as they are today. Dm knows where the baby is buried, but has never been to her grave. Maybe your dm is the same. The past is the past.

I would leave it. There is a large gap between me and my older sibling. Years ago my grandmother told me that in addition to miscarriages my mother gave birth to two stillborn babies. My mother never mentioned it and I don't know if she ever knew that I knew. If she wanted to tell me or speak of it she would have done. It was her choice whether to raise it, not mine.

@NoSquirrels

My sister was born within a few years after the loss but I didn't come along until many years later. So I would think they would have stuck with their 2 kids close in age. It doesn't bother me but i put it in the op in case it's relevant to what they have not told me.

I think you’re extrapolating things that are impossible to speculate on. If you were born many years after your sister (who was born soon after the loss), I don’t think your conception has anything to do with the loss of their first baby.

Quite. More likely, like me you were an 'accident'.

Leave it alone.

I honestly don’t know how one woman can hear about another woman’s miscarriage/still birth and make it all about them. “ I believe they wouldn’t have had me” , and their own desire to discuss it

It’s one of the more disturbing things I’ve read on here. The mother has made it clear she doesn’t wish to discuss it.

It would be the right and normal thing to prioritise her needs and wishes.

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

So you did know? And the only difference is that it was later than she said? What’s the point of resurrecting the information? Just for your own curiosity? Don’t do it.

I wouldn’t bring it up, they don’t want you to know and that may be a coping mechanism for them.
I know my parents had a still birth before my brother, that was 35 years ago and my mum was expected to be upset for a week or two then just get on with it.
Times are very different back when you were born you would not have been considered a ‘rainbow’ baby. That’s a much newer term which I personally don’t like.

@BombyliusMajor

OP I do think you are getting a hard time on here. My DH was told by his mother (when he was still a child) that he would probably never have been born had she not miscarried a previous pregnancy. That threw him into quite an existential crisis. It’s only natural to think about these sorts of things.

I feel for your DH, but he was a child, so it’s totally understandable he’d react like that. Children centre themselves, quite naturally and understandably, and it sounds like he wasn’t told in an age-appropriate way.

But what’s reasonable for a child and for a person in her 40s is very, very different, in terms of basic empathy and maturity.

It’s none of your business! They would have discussed it with you if they wanted to.

Another point - after my daughter died in childbirth it was astonishing how many people didn’t want to ‘upset’ me by asking about it or talking about it or ever mentioning it. The effect on me was to feel like something shameful and stigmatising had happened. Often women don’t talk about stillbirth because other people can’t handle it, not because they can’t.

I think talk of 'confronting' sounds unnecessarily antagonistic.

With my own mum I might say I wasn't expecting to see a record of the birth whilst researching the family tree and would they prefer it if i included/excluded it. Nothing dramatic

How old was the baby when he/she died?

OP I do think you are getting a hard time on here. My DH was told by his mother (when he was still a child) that he would probably never have been born had she not miscarried a previous pregnancy. That threw him into quite an existential crisis. It’s only natural to think about these sorts of things

I’m sorry but how is this relevant? That’s a very cruel thing to tell a child.

The op is a grown woman.

I suspect the phrase 'early on' meant earlier in her marriage, not early in pregnancy.

I think your instinct to be 'honest' here is a bit off.

Can you not understand that losing a baby in the third trimester is something people might not like to talk about apart from a one-off mention, and that the reason for that has nothing to do with keeping secrets, or preventing people from figuring out a woman was pregnant when she got married?

Losing a baby in the third trimester is incredibly traumatic. Your DH is right - if they wanted to go over it all again they would have.

My mum told me a couple of years ago (I’m in my 20s). She told me when she was ready and it took several occasions to know the full story. Don’t bring this up. What will you gain from it except bringing up traumatic memories and upsetting your parents? A solely selfish act on your behalf.

Just because they are your parents it doesn’t mean that every aspect of their life is your business. Your mum has told you what she wants you to know about this. You should respect the boundary she laid down then.

And I’m a bit bemused how this information came to light in researching a family tree. If my D.C. told me they were doing this (which they I don’t think they will because my brother has researched it some detail and we all find it boring!) I would expect them to be looking at birth certs, church records etc not looking into my medical history which is is private.

It's none of your business.

I do think that before delving into recent family history you should have thought about how you would feel about what was found. It's a bit much to claim you feel so terrible about knowing, when it was entirely your choice to go looking for secrets. You could have just asked your parents what they knew and left the rest till after they had died. Instead you decided to see what you could find out behind their backs, which is effectively spying. If you didn't feel able to deal with the "dishonesty" of keeping discoveries to yourself, you should never have started with this whole thing.

This isn't even particularly scandalous or embarrassing. What about if you'd found that your dad wasn't your real dad or your parents gave a child up for adoption or your mum had another marriage before your dad etc etc. Would you also feel obliged to bring these things up just to assuage your own feelings?

I agree 100 percent with @Bluntness100.

The loss of the baby is not about you, OP.