To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

I would just say that your mum may have meant early on in the marriage. It may not have been referring to losing the baby early on, IYSWM.

That's what I thought as well, so that's at least three of us who interpreted it that way. Even if she was referring specifically to the pregnancy itself, she might have said 'early' simply meaning before birth i.e. not stillborn or a victim of SIDS (or cot death, as they probably would have called it then).

I really don't think you should mention this, your DH is right. Your intentions sound good and I understand the feeling of wanting them to know that you know, it feels sort of grubby to have information about someone very close to you and them not know you have it... but honestly, if they haven't wanted to broach it before, they almost certainly won't want to now. Given that your relationship is otherwise open and honest, that suggests it's quite important to your mum not to discuss the details of this with you... I imagine such a loss must be agonising to think about even years and years after the fact.

I would say as a mother who has lost a child no good can come of bringing this up if she had wanted you to know the truth she would have told you.

They already know you know, because your mum has already mentioned it to you.

If your parents wanted to talk about, they would have spoken about it by now.

They know you're looking into your family tree, they likely know you will come across the loss again.

Maybe she said it was early on to avoid the sentiment you have written here about feeling in right to raise it because they wouldn't have had you if they'd lost a baby.

In short it's none of your business.

I don't understand this at all. Your mum has already told you - sounds to me like she meant "early on" as in early on in the relationship/marriage/early days.

Would explain why your parents have not said anything even though they are aware you are researching the family - they are assuming you already know.

Why would you bring this up? I had a miscarriage before I had my little girl and truthfully, no matter what relation you were to me, I wouldn't appreciate it being brought up unless I did - it was an awful time in my life and makes me feel dreadfully sad whenever I think back to that time. Leave your mum and dad be. Its the right thing to do - you are not a child or a teenager with a burning curiosity and little restraint, you are in your 40s. Let it go.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I would just say that your mum may have meant early on in the marriage. It may not have been referring to losing the baby early on, IYSWM.

That's what I thought as well, so that's at least three of us who interpreted it that way. Even if she was referring specifically to the pregnancy itself, she might have said 'early' simply meaning before birth i.e. not stillborn or a victim of SIDS (or cot death, as they probably would have called it then).

I also think that is what was meant by 'early on.

its Really non of your business. She’s already mentioned it so I don’t understand why you are making a big deal out of it.

It's so hard to say without knowing your parents but if it were me, I'd feel the same as you and want to talk to my mum about it briefly, in a 'test the waters' way. My mum would probably get upset but she wouldn't mind me bringing something like this up if it was done sensitively and, probably, when we were alone.

It doesn't have to be a Big Thing. Could you perhaps say to her, "Mum, I came across something when researching the family tree that I feel awkward knowing and not telling you I know (/telling you how sorry I am for what you must have gone through). So I just wanted to mention it this once for the benefit of clear air but we never have to speak of it again of you'd rather not."?

Or something?

It’s also possible that your parents’ eldest child dying meant they did go on to have you rather than the other way round. DH and I intended to have two children but a late miscarriage and a neonatal death meant we went on to have another living child than planned because we reevaluated what was important to us and our family.

@upbowcreek

They know I am researching family history. I have turned up quite a lot of stuff so far so they may have seen this coming.

My elder sister once mentioned this to me about 25 years ago but I was in my teens and didn't think much of it. Not sure how she knew.

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

She might have meant early on in its life or pre term. Up to her how she deals with it.

I had a number of m/c my elder child is aware. My younger one now.

To say they wouldn't of had you, if they had the other baby is a moot point. Clearly you were a very wanted baby for your mum to want a pregnancy and have "shielded you" from it.

See this as something lovely she did for you -not bringing it up -being brought up "not knowing" is a moot point -what did you want them to do or expect it -like wise it is unkind to speculate how far along she was or if she was pregnant and unmarried -I actually find it a bit shocking that you see it is anything for you to comment on.

My Mum has a baby DC1 and then DC2 and DC3 and there is a slightly longer gap between DC2 and 3 -then DC1 and DC2 -and my mum once mentioned she had a miscarriage which was more like a late period -ie 4 week late period hence the slightly longer gap.

I had 5 m/c -if my children questionned me on it or went down the line that if I had those children "they wouldn't be here" I would find that err a moot point to talk about. If you weren't here -we wouldn't be talking -but you are -so crack on.

Absolutely not ok to bring it up.

Your sister was reasonable to tell you discreetly and I think your h is right and your mum wouldn't have said "lost a baby early on" if that wasn't how she wanted to think of things.

Back then miscarriage and antenatal care was different to what we experienced.

Why on earth would you do that to your parents?

To clarify, the early on comment was about the pregnancy not the marriage. It was said in the context of my own miscarriage so I am sure about that.

As for the thought that they wouldn't have had you if the other baby had survived, there's no way to know that for certain, but really, the chances that any of us should be born is statistically unlikely. Think of all the other possible combinations of eggs and sperm that could have come together, and any of them would've been a different person. (Not to mention that in order for you to have a chance at existence, everyone in your direct line had to be conceived against the same odds and survive to have children of their own.)

I was very accidentally conceived out of wedlock by two very young parents, so I understand the odd sensation of "I might easily have never been born". I've never discussed this with my parents, incidentally. I realised when I was old enough to figure it out on my own. I could have brought it up, but there was no point in having what I felt might be an awkward conversation. I was conceived, they married and formed a family that has lasted over forty years. ...I'm satisfied to leave parts of their lives private, just as they don't know everything about me and my life.

I prefer to keep some things to myself it’s just how I deal with things. If she wanted you to know she would have told you - it won’t be anything personal it may be just that she doesn’t want to re-live it. So I wouldn’t say anything if I was you.

Pretty much everyone's telling you the same thing, OP, yet you're not responding to any of those posts at all. You're just deflecting by focusing on a tiny number of abrupt posters.

Leave it alone, really. Everyone's entitled to their privacy, and if your mum wanted to talk about it more, she would have.

Wow, there are some very harsh replies on here. Personally I have a very open relationship with my mum because it's important to both of us that we can speak about anything even if it's sad for one of us. I hope to have the same relationship with my child and wouldn't appreciate a stranger in the internet telling them they can't talk to me about something because it might upset me . So there's that.

@upbowcreek

To clarify, the early on comment was about the pregnancy not the marriage. It was said in the context of my own miscarriage so I am sure about that.

Well in that case you should definitely not say anything. Your mother has shared what she wanted to share, in the way that she wanted to share it.

@PartyAPartyB

Wow, there are some very harsh replies on here. Personally I have a very open relationship with my mum because it's important to both of us that we can speak about anything even if it's sad for one of us. I hope to have the same relationship with my child and wouldn't appreciate a stranger in the internet telling them they can't talk to me about something because it might upset me . So there's that.

The stranger on the internet shouldn't be asking lots of other strangers on the internet what to do, then.

There’s not a lot of point asking on here OP as you’ve made it pretty clear that you’re going to confront her anyway. I just don’t know what you hope to achieve- your mum has already told you about it, in a way she felt comfortable. You want to get her to tell you more details for what reason? All it will do is upset her.

I had 4 miscarriages before dc1 was born. I’ve told him that I was pregnant before he was born but that I never carried to term until I had him. If he came back in decades to come to challenge me on the exact details as he thought I’d kept it secret it would make me feel absolutely awful. It’s not like you’re hiding some massive family secret - your parents know that your researching family history, they’ve told you they lost a baby and you’ve found out that, yes, they lost a baby. Please just leave it.

Wow, there are some very harsh replies on here. Personally I have a very open relationship with my mum because it's important to both of us that we can speak about anything even if it's sad for one of us. I hope to have the same relationship with my child and wouldn't appreciate a stranger in the internet telling them they can't talk to me about something because it might upset me. So there's that.

Except ops parents have never attempted to go into details or discuss it at all. So there's that.

This is such ancient history and doesn't affect you in any way, I don't understand why you're even vaguely interested.
As for 'they wouldn't have had me' - well, maybe they wouldn't, so what?
Maybe - given the age gap between you and your sister - you were a mistake that would have happened anyway. Again, so what? Maybe they always wanted three. Another so what!
It's not even as if it were a huge secret as your mother has already mentioned it. How much more do you need to know?

At the time the baby was lost mothers often weren't shown their baby. No thought was given to the mental anguish of parents who lost a baby. So I wouldn't mention it to them.

My mum had an abortion due to extreme deformation before me. I wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for my unborn sibling’s birth defects.

I never mentioned it to my mother, there’s no point dredging up awful memories for her. Equally I never told her about my miscarriage for the same reasons.

Don’t mention it, it benefits no one.