To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

Just to be clear, I am not replying to any further gotcha posts. They are insensitive and ridiculous and so dar from the truth.

Also I would like to point out that my comment that they would not have had me is not self pitying or anything like that. It's just fact. My sister was born within a few years after the loss but I didn't come along until many years later. So I would think they would have stuck with their 2 kids close in age. It doesn't bother me but i put it in the op in case it's relevant to what they have not told me.

Your mum told you what she wanted to tell you. Respect her boundaries and don't go digging up painful topics. It's not your story to tell.

Can you discuss it with your sister instead? If she knew about it, she’s the obvious person to find out if she has any details you don’t before you go to your parents.

I would not say anything myself.

My sister was born within a few years after the loss but I didn't come along until many years later. So I would think they would have stuck with their 2 kids close in age. It doesn't bother me but i put it in the op in case it's relevant to what they have not told me.

I think you’re extrapolating things that are impossible to speculate on. If you were born many years after your sister (who was born soon after the loss), I don’t think your conception has anything to do with the loss of their first baby.

Maybe their plan was to have three children and you would still have been born?

My sister is not the most discreet of people! Hence her telling me in the first place. It would get back to them if I talked to her. I would rather broach it directly or not at all.

Sorry for the fat fingers in my posts. Typing on my phone.

I wouldn’t. If they wanted you to know they’d have told you.

My Nana lost her first two babies 50 years ago. She can’t even mention it without breaking down in tears. You don’t know what kind of hurt you’ll drag up, people deal with grief in different ways.

I would just let it lie. All you would achieve is to resurrect painful memories for your parents and for what purpose?

YABU I'm afraid although I can relate.

My parents lost a child in her first year of life and then went on to have 5 more children. They never told any of us until one of us displayed symptoms as a teenager of a really unusual illness. In a panic my mum blurted out that the symptoms were the same as the first child that died. Teenager recovered and all was well.

As siblings we have vaguely/briefly discussed it between ourselves but never with my parents. They obviously didn't want to tell us and have dealt with it privately, in their own way.

I would personally have liked to have acknowledged the child more, to have celebrated her short life as a sibling we'd never get to know, but it was their loss and grief to live with and that's how they've chosen to do it. We have all respected that.

I think the early years of people's lives and the circumstances of their birth are pretty significant in what makes them who they are. If there's a mystery around them it can cause problems as an adult.

That's why I think it's OK to want to know but you have to balance your need for the knowledge with how upset you think they'll be. It's possible if you did talk to them the circumstances would be entirely different from what you imagine, but it's equally possible they just will not want to revisit it.

What if my parents had fallen pregnant the month before the month in which they happened to conceive me etc.

I see it this way too. Before you're conceived, you're just an abstract possibility. Most parents dearly love their children, but when they had their youngest (assuming they had any choice in the matter), they decided that they didn't want and/or couldn't manage/support 'another baby'.

Had your older sibling survived, they might well have rejected the idea of 'another baby' - they would never have been rejecting you personally.

My DSis and DBiL have three children, the youngest two being twins. Had the second baby been a single baby, they would almost certainly have decided to stop there and consider their family complete; but that doesn't mean they love any of their children less or would ever wish to turn back the clock and not have all three of them, now that they have three actual known, born, loved people, with their own names, identities, personalities and established places in the family.

If you were going to say anything at all (and I would not, based on the information that both you and your sister were already aware your parents lost a baby before either of you were born) I would merely mention it in the context of adding the baby’s name (if they named them) to the family tree.

Why on earth would anyone bring it up? All it will do is cause them upset. Not your business.

I'm struggling to imagine how the conversation might go.

"Mum, I'm doing the family tree and came across a record of your first pregnancy".

"Oh yes, the one I told you about. It was a sad time for us."

"Yes, but you said you lost it "early on". But the record says you lost it in the third trimester. That's not early on."

" "

@upbowcreek

They know I am researching family history. I have turned up quite a lot of stuff so far so they may have seen this coming.

My elder sister once mentioned this to me about 25 years ago but I was in my teens and didn't think much of it. Not sure how she knew.

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

I haven’t read the thread but thought I would just say that your mum may have meant early on in the marriage. It may not have been referring to losing the baby early on, IYSWM.

If your sister has mentioned it and your mum has told you, albeit without much detail, then IMO you don’t need to worry about feeling as if you’re spying or keeping something from them.

They probably find it easier not to talk about it too much.

I probably wouldn't mention it unless there's a good reason.

They've mentioned it in passing, so it's not like you've uncovered some deep secret that you'll have to pretend not to know. There's no reason to feel guilty that you know more about it than you think they realise.

I just can't see a reason to bring up what may be a very painful memory...

They may not have actually planned you (or your sister, or your sibling who didn't make it for that matter) at all - one or all of you might just have been a happy surprise.

If they have always treated you with love and kindness, whatever the circumstances of how you came to be conceived, you were clearly very much wanted by them once you did arrive.

What do you hope to achieve? dredging up the past only ever causes heartache.

I also think the "early on" might be referring to early on in the marriage rather than in the pregnancy, unless the rest of mention suggested otherwise. I know some older women who used the same wording for stillbirths and infant deaths in the first year or so of marriage. It's on one hand a remark to not draw attention or further conversation (at least where I'm from), but also kinda subtlely signify the impact - a loss in the early glow of marriage, something people, women particularly, were often pushed to overcome quickly.

My mother refers to my younger sister as a 'miracle baby' as there was a loss about a year before she was born. My sister likely wouldn't have been born if that child had survived, but it's never discussed as a negative - it's in a 'meant to be'. It's suspected there was another due to some records I've found since, not family history but court records, but it's not something I'd discuss with either parent. I can't think of any benefit that would come of it.

I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

Well, yeah. I mean people tend to want a certain number of children, not a certain number of pregnancies, so it stands to reason that your parents were planning their family based on their living children.

I think it's that angle that makes it sound as though you feel your parents owe you more details because it affects you in some way. But it really doesn't. I had two miscarriages between my kids. I wasn't even particularly sad about them (very early and I already had once child) but if one of my children couched it in those terms I think I'd be pretty upset that they were somehow accusing me of wanting either of the miscarried babies more than them. I imagine our would be a million times worse in your parents' case It simply doesn't work like that.

You haven't said what you want to get out of telling them?

There was a thread no so long ago about someone's friend who referred openly to their child as a "rainbow" baby - a common term for a child born after a loss and many people were in agreement that it was unfair to label a child that way as If they were not a child in their own right but a replacement. Perhaps your parents thought the same way? That why they didn't want Also 40 years ago child loss wasn't openly spoken about

My parents lost a child late 12 months before I was born . I was told - as a teenager I asked more and my mum got upset - I never asked again . Leave it alone it’s your parents tragedy and their choice what they share

Please don't ! Your mother did mention it to you so it's not a 'secret' as such, if she wanted you to know the detail she would've told you.
The idea of not having you 'if' is just that, a concept like all the other what ifs that happen in life.
I can't see any good coming from this other than raking up pain.

Exactly, PaperTowels

So ... what are you thinking you’ll do, OP? Pretty clear what the consensus is here, whether or not you feel some people are being insensitive.

You’ve had lots of thoughtful advice from people with direct experience. But the tone of your replies so far does not particularly suggest you’re taking it on board

It's none of your business.
I discovered (by chance) that my mum had planned to get rid of me and only didn't because my Dad talked her out of it (cheers Dad!!)
It was their life before I was in it and absolutely nothing to do with me. If they had wanted to talk about it with me, they would have by now and it's exactly the same for your parents.
In your shoes I wouldn't dream of bringing up something so painful and private.