Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

Assuming from your post that you're lockdown area - organise something yourself OP! It's rubbish if they completely forgot (no card or present or anything), but if I wanted a party / celebration I'd always expect to plan it myself.

*Assuming you're NOT in a lockdown area

I don't expect a big party, just thought they could order some nice meal to show they cared. I work full time, we order takeout from nearby restaurants when I do not have time to cook for them. I will be ok in a couple of days, this is not the first time.

OP, I'm furious on your behalf. OK, if you wanted a big party, perhaps that would have been up to you to organise with your family pitching in. Fiftieth birthdays are fab -- you're neither too old nor too young, the music from the past 50 years is awesome and there'd be heaps for every generation to enjoy. If not a party, well, your family could have taken you out for a lovely dinner.
But for those ppl to have been reminded of your big birthday and to have then wafted off and done nothing -- seriously, OP, eff 'em.
Don't cook them a Thanksgiving dinner. They should be giving thanks TO YOU.
I write this as one who wishes she could have thrown her own DM a big 50th. But I was 13 and had no idea how to do it. Too late now.

I am not American so don’t really feel the importance of thanksgiving. Christmas is just the corner and it’s one celebration. Can you not buy in a lovely meal for one? Or do something nice for yourself; idk what if any retail is open. In your position, I’d be tempted to spend the cash I’d normally spend on the meal all on me.

That's really crap. Happy 50th birthday 1000islandslake Don't do Thanksgiving, please tell them you are upset and why. There is no shame in feeling hurt by this, I would be too

"Forget" to do Thanksgiving.

I think you need to straight-up tell them how sad you are and that you want them to do something special to celebrate. It’s rubbish that they seem to have totally forgotten.

I will say, I am always surprised by threads like this that the family had the opportunity to forget. I mean, dh and I always talk about our birthdays before they arrive, what we’d like to do, presents we might like, what cake we want, whether we want to do something with friends or just family. We don’t make a huge deal of birthdays but always get cake of our choice, presents and choice of meal. I love deciding what cake I want and what food is like. I honestly think it’s best to just tell people what you want to do ahead of time, as everyone is different and some people would be delighted to forget their birthday. That doesn’t mean it’s ok that they forgot, but I do think reminding people a week ahead of time is a good idea.

Happy birthday!
I’m another vote for you forgetting to cook them thanksgiving dinner OP. Perhaps that will improve their memories at your birthday next year. Order yourself your favourite takeout meal and treats.

Happy belated birthday! I’m upset for you, are birthday’s normally a fuss in your family? Surely they sent a card?

I had this for my 30th and it's really awful. So sorry this happened. I was devastated as it felt like a reflection on me. Even though I was single at the time, I still had parents siblings best friends and loads of school, uni and works friends. I got 3 birthday cards from fairly peripheral people and that was it. It really upset me and took a long time to get over. Not sure if I ever really have. It sounds silly but I just felt of no value to those that I valued, which put me bottom of the pile.

I organised my own 40th, by then I was married and had a party for friends, but lots didn't make an effort and write a few dropped out on the day, so whilst it was ok, it didn't resolve anything. 50 in a few years and will just please myself.

Did they forget your birthday completely or that you were 50? Either way, a 50th should involve a bit more of an effort - cake/flowers/ balloons

I’d definitely tell them that their lack of thought has upset you & yes I’d seriously consider not doing the thanksgiving dinner but would say in advance- it could be a joint belated birthday/thanksgiving so they can organise it all this year.

Anyway, belated happy birthday 🎂

Just flat out cancel thanksgiving in advance and explain why.

I had my 40th in lockdown and it was shit. But still lots of people had the decency to video call me and wish me happy birthday. DH even made a special effort to get me a nice dress for the day

Happy Belated Birthday 🎂

Can you not buy in a lovely meal for one? Or do something nice for yourself

Why the hell should she!? What an odd suggestion given the OP is so upset that her family didn't think of her on her birthday OR after they realised they'd forgotten!

I agree about 'forgetting' Thanksgiving if it's something you usually organise. Just take the cash and go to the beautician!

Playing games by “forgetting” to cook for Thanksgiving because they forgot your birthday is exactly what my mother would have done. I haven’t seen my mother in ten years. No loss.

Posted too soon...and tell your family why you're doing it.

I agree with Minimum, our family talk about birthdays days, if not weeks before! If I see something I might like, I tell my husband, 'Ooo, that' ll do for my 50th, coming up', discuss cake, food, etc. I also organise myself a celebration every year, so now people look forward to it. There's no opportunity for anyone to forget my birthday! That said, it's pretty grim for your partner to forget your 50th. Instead of retaliating by not doing Thanksgiving, order a lovely meal and some paper hats, tell your kids, 'next Thursday we're celebrating Thanksgiving and my birthday! That gives you and your dad plenty of time to get me a (present)'. Call your parents and tell them that as it's your 50th, you're celebrating by doing something fun each month and give them ideas for which month /what present to get you. Life's too short to stew.

It's always a bit puzzling how this happens. Was there no talk at all of your approaching milestone birthday? At what point in the run up did it dawn on you that no-one was planning anything, and why didn't you start the conversation? Or were you holding out for a surprise?
Anyway, that doesn't really matter now. Some straight talking is needed. Don't passive-aggressively "forget" Thanksgiving; tell them you're pissed off and what you expect from them.

I’d tell them you are pissed off and that you expect them to make it up to you or they can cook their own bloody thanksgiving dinner. My ex husband used to do this “forget” my birthday or other special occasions (despite reminders) and it was really hurtful.

How does this happen?

To just not cook thanksgiving is very passive aggressive approach to take and will just lead to more hurt all round. How about you show what you've written to your family instead?

No adult has an automatic right to expect other people to organise something for their birthday regardless of how old they will be. Also not everyone can read someone else's mind and organise an apology make up meal like you hoped for without being told. It sounds to me like you've done all the organising for so long that organising stuff has become your responsibility and that's the way things are done in your family.

I am not American so don’t really feel the importance of thanksgiving

I'm not American but as I understand it, it's huge, bigger than Christmas on so many levels.

I think you need to tell your Dh directly how upset you are not only at the original forgetting but that no-one has tried to make it up to you. He then is the messenger for the children to hear how upset you are.

In this house each parent is responsible for conspiring with the children to sort a gift and cards for the other parent's birthday. It started when they were very little so it is ingrained. Ds1 is now 17 and even wrote a note in his phone when I mentioned something once and I got that as part of my Christmas gifts as he told Dh. It has always been a family thing.

Is this a one off or is it something that happens regularly?

You’re a grown up. It’s lovely if everyone remembers your birthday spontaneously but if no one has mentioned it a week or two before you need to mention it.

Don’t have an epic sulk about this. Communicate: say you’re sad everyone forgot and suggest how they can make it up to you. Maybe your family could combine thanksgiving and your birthday this year or you could have a non-birthday or book a day out after lockdown?