Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

I can’t believe you are so calm about this to be honest. I would write a letter to my husband and kids about how hurt and taken for granted I feel and take myself off for a week somewhere to reflect on what I wanted out of life. I’d be close to finding this unforgivable.

I thought that was ridiculous after more than 20 years of marriage, but after reading some of the posts, I realized there are people thinking the same way. I never knew there are real people actually remind family members to remember their birthday. Interesting!

It's not that I have to remind my DH about my birthday and he doesnt have to remind me, but we do actually talk about our birthdays in the run up, we discuss what we like etc so it is unlikely we would forget. Sometimes we forget the exact date of relatives but because everyone talks about birthdays in general chat, nobody forgets.

To me,someone not mentioning their birthday at all is really unusual and does feel a bit like setting family members up with a test.

So bloody rude of them. I am angry for you. Happy belated bday OP x

Just forget everyone of their bdays.

This isn't right. When did you become bottom of the heap? What happened to mutual love, support, and consideration? What happened to your spirit?

I would absolutely expect a fantastic thanksgiving dinner. BUT I would not be lifting a finger for it. No writing the darn shopping list, no working out the timings, no peeling potatoes and no cooking. They can rally as a family to make it happen (and get you some presents while they are at it).
It's not punishment. It's a consequence! and besides why on earth wouldn't they be able to do this without your usual input. Surely, they are old enough and have seen it often enough by now. Honestly, this is the year, I would be sitting entirely back with a glass of wine and the tv emote control and expect my family to step up to being in charge of making it happen. Give me one good reason why this wouldn't be possible.

Your DH blaming you mean he's a selfish prick. This isn't the time to be a doormat, nobly swallowing disappointment, this is a time to firmly spell it out that his attitude sucks. If he can't remember the date of your birthday after 20 years of marriage, that really shows how little he cares. If you keep being noble about it, they'll never remember in future.

My ex often "forgot" my birthday. Reality was that he didn't care. Used to say something like he didn't have time, and so on. Like a birthday was a sudden surprise, and the previous ones haven't been on the same date every year 🙄

That is utterly shitty from ALL of your family to actually totally forget!!!

I know you've calmed down now but you're a way better person than me if you can just move on so quickly with this.

I was upset enough when my teenage children didn't bother to buy me a 50th present (but DH did buy me presents). I was cross with him that he hadn't bothered to chivvy them along to get something like I had for his but your situation is way worse.

Happy belated birthday

I wouldn’t do anything for their birthdays.

Why are you the only one running around ordering things and making everyone’s birthday special?

And definitely forget your H’s birthday. If he gets upset repeat all his excuses back to him.

I feel for you, OP. A PP asks how any parent can 'forget' their own child's birthday; well, my DH's mother did precisely this on one of his childhood birthdays and he's never quite forgotten it. We've always made a special point of marking out the occasion to celebrate it.

Yes, you are well within your rights to be very pissed off. What I don't recommend is that you show passive aggressive resistance by retreating into your shell, or conveniently 'forgetting' their own celebrations and letting them realise when it's too late to do anything about it. A PP advises:

I’d tell them you are pissed off and that you expect them to make it up to you or they can cook their own bloody thanksgiving dinner.

I'd second this. A direct approach is best.

And, hollow though it might sound, happy belated birthday greetings are coming your way from a sympathetic stranger 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

I don’t really understand how this could have happened? Had you not spoken about what you’d like to do? For my 30th I was sat in a park with my toddlers running round me, next year it’s my 40th and depending on COVID I have let everyone know what I want to do. My husband is 50 in a few years and we are planning that already

There is no way anyone's birthday could be forgotten in our house, we all make a big song and dance about it as its approaching and theres no way I'd keep quiet about my own birthday

There is no way anyone's birthday could be forgotten in our house, we all make a big song and dance about it as its approaching and theres no way I'd keep quiet about my own birthday
Same here. We never do big birthday things but I find it absolutely bizarre that in the run up to someone's birthday it never came up in conversation at all.

I know! Its something we all look forward to, whoever's birthday it is

You're being too passive about this op.

Give them a kick up the arse and tell them they are all doing their own parts for thanksgiving this year. They can do the shop, the cooking, the clean up, everything. Their punishment for forgetting your birthday and then they will also see how much effort you put into doing all of that alone. Don't lift a finger. They can figure it out.

It's shameful of them to have forgotten your birthday, and 50th at that. Jesus I had better planning skills at 10 when my mum turned 40! They are selfish people and need a sharp shock into how not to be.

What Honeybee says. Alert them that to make up for forgetting your birthday, you're handing over T'giving so they can show you how they really feel about you. And sit back. Don't bail anyone out or pick up the slack or even worry about it.

If anyone asks organisational questions, refer them to Google and stress how much you're looking forward to the celebration.

Remember, doormats can't plan, shop or cook! 😉

You sound massively passive aggressive and like a total martyr sorry.

Did you keep quiet about your bitthday to “test” them and see if they remembered? And were you then looking forward to all of them begging for forgiveness and trying to make it up to you when they realised they fell short?
Maybe they haven’t celebrated with you this weekend because they think you will be guilt-tripping them? Be honest with yourself - when people spend time with you, do they leave your company feeling “wow what a womderful fun time we had” or do you make them feel bad?

Sorry if this sounds really harsh, but I know a few “injured martyrs” and they have created the situation themselves.

Sorry if this sounds really harsh

Why do people do that? You know you are being harsh and you aren't sorry. If you're happy to give a poster a kicking at least own your words and don't try to hide behind a pretend apology

Sometimes you do have to be harsh. You can be harsh but fair, or you could be telling some harsh truths which the other person doesn’t necessarily want to hear. You can apologise for that and mean it quite sincerely.

(Not saying it isn’t sometimes said in a faux way as well, of course)

there may be a reason they all forgot,
the fact that you are considering cancelling thanksgiving makes me feel you are a Diva, and a bit hard work.

you could have reminded people, it is not difficult. you sound like you want them to fail and for you to be the martyr,
but i doubt you will see this point of view