Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

By setting them up to fail I mean wanting a celebration, watching the date coming closer and closer, knowing that no one is planning anything and not mentioning it. Why would you do that? It’s so unhelpful. One of the kids is 11-16 the other is a teenager and so might need a reminder. As for the partner, maybe he’s busy, disorganised, stressed etc. I’m not saying op should have done anything more than say ‘what shall we do for my 50th, I’m hoping for a big celebration’. It’s not ideal to have to remind them but life isn’t perfect and you need to work with what you’ve got. As for the rest of the family maybe 50 years of op’s sulking has taken its toll. I really hope op clears the air, asks for what she wants and has the best birthday ever, even if it is a little late.

But it's not just that they didnt plan a big celebration @Franklyfrost. You're right, if that's what the OP wanted she should have opened a dialogue. But they forgot her fucking birthday altogether- and that is totally shit and unacceptable.

Also not loving the fact that if she doesnt carry on being the family doormat perfect wife and mummy by refusing to do Thanksgiving she is "passive aggressive " and "sulky". There is nothing passive aggressive in deciding that you dont fancy running yourself flat out for a bunch of ingrates. Seriously OP stop being hurt and get angry that your family are happy to treat you this way

But it IS passive aggressive to pretend to forget / just refuse to do it without warning. Stopping being hurt, as you suggest, finding her anger and addressing it head on, stating her needs and telling them how she feels, clearly and directly , is the way to go.

It does seem weird that they ALL forgot. I wonder what relations with op’s family are like or if she has maybe never expressed a desire to celebrate her birthday before. It is hurtful that everyone forgot and I understand why op is angry but I don’t think punishing her family is going to make anyone feel better in the long run. I think one adult punishing another is dysfunctional.

This is rubbish OP. You shouldn't have had to remind them, I'm not surprised you're upset.. Are you sure there isn't a surprise organised? It does sound strange that absolutely noone remembered. College age kids, husband and parents should have remembered unless parents have dementia or sth similar. I'd ask them to do Thanksgiving for you to make up for it rather than just refusing, and explain how upset you still are.

Op, maybe you could tell us what you would have liked to happen on your birthday? It might help to write it down and share it. You deserve to be celebrated, how are you going to make that happen?

That's really rude of them actually. I'd tell my DH that I'm hurt and would like a celebration, even if it's just the kids working together to cook dinner for you all and some cards and a gift or two.

I'd be so hurt by no recognition at all...

Are you sure it was your 50th and not your 5th?? You're behaving like a spoiled child, not a mature adult.
Just accept that other people arent as interested in it as you are and move on.

Oooooh yes, forget to do thanksgiving. Considering they haven't been very thankful.

Thats rubbish, yanbu to feel so hurt, especially if you remember and make special their birthdays. I think you should say how hurt you feel.
I understand the urge to forget thanksgiving but understand it might ruin it for you too so youre between a rock and a hardplace.
Teenagers are self absorbed but should have at least remembered its your birthday and your OH should have gee'd them up. Does OH have form for forgetting things like this. DH used to forget mothers day when.my dc were small, I found it very hurtful, I decided to buy myself a gift and also be fairly explicit about my expectations for the day, not leaving it to chance, eventually he became better at marking occasions.
Do you have friends you can celebrate with ? Please treat yourself to something gorgeous, a lovely piece of jewellery etc without an ounce of guilt. You deserve better.
Happy Birthday 🎉🎂

Are you sure it was your 50th and not your 5th?? You're behaving like a spoiled child, not a mature adult.
Just accept that other people arent as interested in it as you are and move on.

I think that’s pretty harsh, there’s nothing wrong with wanting your loved ones to celebrate a milestone birthday with you, or for the OP to be upset that no one thought of her.

We don't 'do' Thanksgiving. Also think though you should just 'forget' to do that and leave it to them.

Sorry they made you feel unloved and unwanted on your birthday.

But they forgot her fucking birthday altogether- and that is totally shit and unacceptable.

But how is that even possible in a normal family where people talk to each other in a normal way? No one is suggesting she should have planned the day herself, dropped massive hints, been in charge of directing birthday operations etc. But surely it's just normal to say, 'I'm really looking forward to my birthday. I know we can't go out but I'd still like to do something nice.' To not say anything of that sort at all seems so excessively odd to me that I think there has to be more to this. I'm wondering if OP's family also found it odd, to the point where they thought she was feeling so sensitive about her age it would be better not to mention it.

Don’t be passive aggressive about it. Sit them all down, explain that you are still feeling hurt and why. Ask them what they think they need to do about that. Talk about why it’s import to take care of each other and show that you value each other. Point out ways you do those things for them. The conversation doesn’t end until they (not you) have come up with a plan to celebrate your birthday appropriately.

Gosh starfish being part of your family must be lovely - all that warmth, love and mutual support.

Forget to do thanksgiving dinner, order a nice meal for just yourself and when they ask so oh this is how I felt when nobody wanted to celebrate my birthday! You expect me to help you celebrate thanksgiving but no one wants to celebrate me turning 50 and all the things I do for you!

Go on strike. They’re ungrateful and rude.

Wow, all these posters saying that it was OPs fault for not reminding her family of her birthday! The date doesn't change year on year! How hard is it to remember your partner's birthday?!

I'd be really hurt and angry if my DH and children forgot my birthday and then didn't do anything to make up for it when I mentioned it. It would make me feel very much like I didn't matter and was being taken for granted. It's not even about getting presents, it's just someone taking the time to acknowledge it and show that they care enough to remember.

In this case, I'd get them together and explain how hurtful it is and that they can make it up by helping with Thanksgiving.

I think you should be upfront, tell them that it wasn’t a small thing and you were very hurt. That making amends means trying to make it up to you. That if you had been in their shoes you would have been horrified and immediately made plans. Why didn’t they treat you with that same courtesy and concern?
Don’t be passive aggressive. It won’t make you feel better. Be direct.

Id be bloody furious!! No thanksgiving or Christmas, no presents,... Just forget! Let them all know how it feels, your husband/family/kids are a disgrace, Me id book a holiday/break for yourself, with money saved from thanksgivivg/Christmas, go visit a friend/family member somewhere you love let them all know how much your looking forward to it (obvs when lockdowns over) a happy 50th birthday treat for yourself as they all forgot, somewhere warm or skiing or just a book on a beach away from them all for a long weekend something you love, sorry if you think this is harsh, but your not there to look after their needs, YOU MATTER, belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Im fuming on your behalf. (Show them this... My daughter with no help saved for 3 yrs i knew nothing about it to take me to New York for long weekend for my 50th! Cheapest flight times, cheap hotel, but didnt matter, shame on your family and kids)

I don't understand this. Do you normally celebrate birthdays? Your own and other people's?

It just seems unbelieveable that your DH, your kids, your parents, your siblings and your friends ALL forgot it was your birthday? All those households who would have known the date, didn't mark it?
How can that happen in anyone's world?

That's really shitty of them OP. I'd forget all their birthdays too

I see some people have internalised the concept of wife work pretty heavily if they think the OP is to blame for not reminding them. They are a bunch of ingrates.

Just tell your family again how you feel and that apologising for forgetting is not enough - you want them to DO something for YOU to celebrate your birthday (albeit belatedly)! Therefore, Thanksgiving will be combined with your birthday celebrations and it's on them. Fair warning - you will not be lifting a finger on the day, they are to do the lot and you expect nothing but VIP treatment for the whole day. If they're not prepared to do that, then it's pizzas all round.

I wouldn’t be very thankful, tbh.... WHY SHOULD YOU BE GRATEFUL??? You are being treated with less respect than the robot from the Jetsons. I would be seriously considering a hotel or moving out if I were you. Don’t lose your shit, I think if you have become that invisible to them, you might as well disappear off out of their lives for a while and let them stew for quite some time. Go totally non-contact for a week or so. That could be your birthday present.