Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

I don't know what I would do with that, but I would not be cooking and prepping for a family Thanksgiving.

There are a lot of shitty people on this thread.

My dh did this once. I hit the roof. For me it's not about the money or presents, it's about showing someone you care and making an effort to show you love and appreciate them. It doesn't have to cost much, or anything, to show someone that you love and appreciate them.

I wonder if all the people saying it's only a birthday , grow up , etc have ever had this done to them ?

It is really not nice .

Don't do Thanksgiving . You can be organised of course because you will be . You will not see your family 'starve' .Maybe make Thanksgiving all about you. Make a planner for the day of all the things you would like and assign other family members those jobs or chores. Do not lift a finger yourself ( unless it is the middle one and you are really peed off ) .

Actually, I have changed my mind about what I said before....
go about your life as though nothing is wrong, but book yourself a trip away to somewhere amazing. Leave very early on Thanksgiving. Don’t tell anyone that you’re going, or where you are. Turn off your location settings on your phone. (Leave a note to say that you’ve gone away to think about what you want from life and you will call when you are ready. Assure your family that you are safe and well and wish them a happy Thanksgiving.) DON’T prepare a damn thing for them. If there are family members due to visit - even better.

I wonder if all the people saying it's only a birthday , grow up , etc have ever had this done to them ?

Yes, I'm wondering that too.

Just accept that other people arent as interested in it as you are and move on.

Nasty. Why on earth would you say such an unpleasant thing. Her family should be interested in her milestone birthday. They should also be interested in making her feel happy and loved. If you don't think those things are important then I dread to think what your home life is like.

Leave very early on Thanksgiving. Don’t tell anyone that you’re going, or where you are

Shame it's lockdown. We could have a huge MN celebration birthday with you op.

If I was you I would organise a little belatd celebration day for yourself..book something nice in the afteroon like a spa or whatever you would like for a treat. Invite a friend & go out for lunch then tell the famil you are geting a takeout meal or book a restuarant for your belated birthday dinner. Speak to your husband and give him a nudge towards a gift you would like. I am very big on birthdays and love organising them for other but I find when its my own I prefer to pick my own treats and they all know its coming.. This year we had a garden party and invited friends & family. I did most of the organising but I like doing things like that and it was no hassle. Dont let is pass by withhout giving yourself a lovely day as a treat and to mark it xxx

It sucks that they all forgot, and I totally get that you'd be hurt by people forgetting your birthday.

But the bit that gets me is When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologised

So you received an apology, didn't accept it, didn't tell them why you didn't accept it (nor even that you weren't accepting it), and now you're upset by the fact that the situation doesn't feel resolved.

That feels a bit inevitable to me...

This is sad.

Tell you family how this has made you feel AND tell them that if you don't give, you don't get. Yes it will be a sad Thanksgiving and Christmas this year's, but you need to suck it up, they will soon learn (and if they don't you need to reconsider your family set up).

I've had this happen. It's crushing. I'm so sorry.

Your husband, your PARENTS , your kids and ALL your freinds forgot your birthday complerely ?????

So Thanksgiving is only happy if you’re running round after everyone and cooking for them all? Doesn’t sound very happy to me.

My 50th was crap too. DH remembered and bought a card and small present but didn't actually make any plans to go out/meal out etc.

However, I was really annoyed and told him so. (I'd bought him an expensive (over a grand) electric guitar for his 50th several years before.)

I'm 55 now and every year since he's been working hard to make up for his oversight. I might forgive him by the time I'm 60.

OP don't sit and seethe or make passive aggressive hints. Be very clear that you're angry and disappointed and expected better of them.

Organise yourself a birthday treat for now but make sure they know not to take you for granted ever again!

happy belated birthday!
Forget something important in the Thanksgiving meal. The turkey perhaps....
This was done to me by my ex. He "forgot".
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It is not excusable. It shows lack of thought about and for someone who is supposedly important in the family. YOU.

That's grim.
I think you need to tell them.
Send each of them this message.
You FORGOT my 50th Birthday, I am increable hurt. How are you going to fix this¡!!!!!!!!!!

oh OP that sucks.
You know what - you didn't enjoy your 50th birthday, and it's close to Thanksgiving would it be that bad for you to get yourself a turkey ready meal for yourself (or for everyone?) and just tell them you're not going to bother and if they want something good at Christmas you want to see their plans in advance of how they are going to do it?

Do you have the strength to do that?

Otherwise you just need to tell them you are incredibly disappointed, and also with yourself for bringing up such unthoughtful children. And then remind them that you will be doing Thanksgiving anyway because you are not an arse. And if you have the energy, dole out jobs to them: setting up the table, making the sweet potato pie etc etc.

Good luck.

They will be 50 one day and you can forget as did they.

Sorry, I'm in the camp that can't understand how you let it get to that stage. I was blathering on about how to celebrate 50th six months in advance, discussing plans, suggesting things. That's just how we do it in our family, for big birthdays and the teens talk about their birthday ages in advance.

It's not a surprise event in our household and so this could never happen as we've already put the plans in place in discussion with the birthday person.

I do find the idea of not remotely mentioning it, not even the night before, just so weird I just can't advise you on what to do. Done your way it feels like a test of love which they then all failed, I prefer to set us all up for success by going on and on about it lots!

Here's a suggestion. Tell them you want a party. Tell them you want a big cake. Tell them you want cards, flowers and a slap up carry out meal!
And tell them you expect them ALL never to forget your birthday again.
They'll get the message. And say you want it really soon so they'd better get organising. They're not going to chuck you over for wanting a birthday respected. You're their mum.

I don't think half the posters suggesting a 'strike' or 'cancel Thanksgiving' or 'pay them back/do the same on their birthdays' can possibly be thinking it through. It's quite feasible to do all of that BUT it's not possible for it not to impact the OP negatively, so what's the point of all the posturing?

OP... I'm sorry that they missed your birthday. I don't know how you can fix this because if you have to tell them how to 'make up', what's the point? It hasn't come from them. Do you really want to be the one to orchestrate the whole thing for yourself?

If they don't get it, they don't get it. Whatever you have to do to make them make it up to you will not give you that warm, fuzzy feeling that you get when people do things for your without prompting.

I don't care for my own birthdays but I make an effort for other people. I understand your hurt and you're entitled to be upset, it's a lousy thing for your family to do but they really will not understand 'retaliation' as so many posters seem to advocate. This is because you will be doing it 'on purpose' and their neglect wasn't intended, just utterly thoughtless.

Do what you want but know the limitations of any 'revenge' as the only person who will feel it will be you.

@HuntedForest

I wonder if all the people saying it's only a birthday , grow up , etc have ever had this done to them ?

Yes, I'm wondering that too.

I wonder that too.

One of the many, many reasons I left my abusive ex was because he couldn't be arsed about my birthday. I frequently didn't get a gift, never got a card in the over 30 years I was with him, and yet he'd kick off If I forgot his birthday. Granted it was a small reason compared to the abuse, but an indicator of how little he cared.

And for most people, a birthday is a day when your loved ones can show the love and appreciation they have for you, when often they don't show that appreciation in everyday life.

And given that the vast majority of people have phones, I see no reason why they forget. Stick it in the calendar for goodness sake, with a reminder a week or two before, if you're that forgetful.

And while OP's family may have apologised, it doesn't seem as if they've done anything to make up for it. I can see why that leaves OP feeling despondent about it. If her family can't be bothered, then that seems like they take her for granted.

Time to find your anger, OP. Don't be passive aggressive, though, be direct. TELL them you won't be doing thanksgiving, and why. Tell them you may not be bothered about Xmas, or indeed their future birthdays.

Is this the first birthday they've ever forgotten? If they have form for not acknowledging your birthday, then there's little point expecting them to remember the landmark ones.

The problem is that most women are too soft, I see variations on this thread all the time. "Hey, so I do everything for everyone and don't expect any thanks and weirdly, my family forgot my birthday!" (Also partner and anniversary/valentines day.) Try forgetting one of your kids' birthdays and they'll make it feel like the world is ending.

Tell them you hope your Christmas gift will be extra special seeing as how they missed your 50th birthday. You don't have to bash them over the head with guilt, but they should also feel a little guilt! Or you're raising the next generation to expect everything from their partners without giving anything back.

And from now on, treat them all like children again - including DH - and give them notice. "It's my birthday in a week, try not to fucking forget again" should do it.

yup, I was 50 a while ago, got a card from Dh, ended up with no present. My son was reminded a few days prior, but he did not even text me, no card no text nothing. I spent the day in tears, I am still very upset about it and have not really spoken to him since, he obviously does not care about me. My mother called round and laughingly said she did not realise how old I was

Its so shit to realise how unloved you are.

I think some people deliberately don’t mention it, so they can see what happens and if anyone forgets, then they play the martyr and are pissed. Most folks mention it of course if they wish it celebrated,

I’d imagine the op purposefully didn’t mention it.