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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

195 replies

1000islandslake · 18/11/2020 04:33

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 18/11/2020 11:51

id forget every bloosdy thing theyre expecting why shoujld you bend over backwards when not one can be be bothered with you

DPotter · 18/11/2020 11:51

I'd tell the family ahead of time - that you will not be doing anything for Thanksgiving - the buying, prep'ing food, laying the table, paying for it. If they want it - they can organise it.

And next year - tell everyone you want a 50+1 party - you want it organised and paid for by them, alongside a gift which you will provide a list for them to choose from.

uggbooted · 18/11/2020 11:51

Happy birthday OP ThanksCakeWine

I am 50 very soon and I would be so upset if this happened so I completely understand.
And I may be petty but I would definitely not be cooking for Thanksgiving, but I might order myself a lovely takeaway or special pre-prepared meal just for me.

You've already told them you were disappointed but they didn't do anything to fix the situation or make you feel special. So a stronger message is definitely called for. You can still have a happy thanksgiving, just a different one this year, do something for yourself, you deserve it.

AcornAutumn · 18/11/2020 11:53

Sorry, not clear if they were reminded about your birthday...

I understand forgetting it without a reminder

What about saying “you guys sort thanksgiving”?

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/11/2020 11:56

I think some people deliberately don’t mention it, so they can see what happens and if anyone forgets, then they play the martyr and are pissed. Most folks mention it of course if they wish it celebrated

No she probably didn't remind them. And I bet no-one in her life ever has to remind her, because she loves her family and she's made a point of remembering and celebrating their birthdays. Like most mothers.

Frankly, if someone can't retain the date of their own birth-givers birthday without a very good reason they are a shitty human being.

mouse70 · 18/11/2020 11:57

Do not do anything for their birthdays for the next year. See how they like it. Thanksgiving tell them to sort it out if they want to celebrate it.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 18/11/2020 11:58

Only read the OP.

Flowers I’m sorry they forgot.

The fact that they didn’t then make up for it seems to indicate that you are in the habit of martyring yourself (probably without thinking).

I do think you should say to them directly that you are really upset that no one remembered, and that no one did anything for you to make up for it.

As to Thanksgiving, I’d say that maybe it would be better to go ahead and do it (unless one or more of them are good enough at cooking that they can do it without bothering you about it constantly.

If they do know how to cook and are perfectly capable of handling it, then I’d say they can do that as a gift for you. You can take the day out, maybe stay in a hotel the night before, have a lovely lunch somewhere luxurious, and then come back in the evening for the Thanksgiving dinner.

mummmy2017 · 18/11/2020 11:58

I love my children and family and friends.
I do not have to be reminded to buy a card or gift, I am not a young child.

billybagpuss · 18/11/2020 12:08

I do think you need make them plan a meal, don’t let this to

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 18/11/2020 12:12

@mummmy2017

I love my children and family and friends. I do not have to be reminded to buy a card or gift, I am not a young child.
Yes quite.
unlikelytobe · 18/11/2020 12:14

How on earth does this even happen in a caring family? No-one remembered or did anything? No-one at all? It's obviously part of a pattern or attitude that has developed over time which is sad and now's the time to make a change.

ImMoana · 18/11/2020 12:16

YANBU.

MarinPrime · 18/11/2020 12:22

YABU for not reminding everyone well in advance of your birthday, and keeping on reminding and saying how you wanted to celebrate.
I do this every year, it seems normal to me. It would feel weird not to mention an upcoming birthday at all, especial a 50th.

MustardMitt · 18/11/2020 12:23

I feel really sad for people who think it’s normal for even your parents and husband to forget your birthday. Even if you (or they) don’t ‘do’ gifts or cards, it’s normal to wish someone a happy birthday?!

I don’t think you should cancel other events. I think you should be honest with your husband and kids at least and tell them how hurt you are that they didn’t even acknowledge your birthday let alone do anything for you.

MustardMitt · 18/11/2020 12:24

So bizarre that people think it’s normal to have to remind parents and husband of birthdays.

eightxmaspaws · 18/11/2020 12:31

Another vote for not doing a thing for thanksgiving.

Have a happy thanksgiving by buying yourself something nice to eat and a nice belated 50th birthday present and if anyone DARES to say anything to you, point out calmly that you are incredibly and justifiably upset by their indifference.
And repeat again for Xmas.
I am another one really angry about how you've been completely ignored. Flowers

Dyrne · 18/11/2020 12:41

@MustardMitt

So bizarre that people think it’s normal to have to remind parents and husband of birthdays.
I don’t think it’s normal to have to “remind” people about birthdays and important events.

But I also don’t think it’s quite normal to say literally nothing about an upcoming milestone birthday and make zero plans or mention of it to loved ones.

Especially in COVID times where everyone’s a bit uncertain about how comfortable people are with celebrations/meet ups, you’d think it would spark some discussion?

Surely it’s normal to have a chat about what you want to do - big party vs meal out vs cosy night in?

It sounds like OP’s family has a major communication issue, going far beyond one birthday celebration.

ddl1 · 18/11/2020 12:47

I would not 'forget' Thanksgiving as revenge for their forgetting your birthday. That would be petty and not address the real issues.

Is there some basic problem in your relationships? Could they have been doing what you are now threatening to do, and neglecting your birthday as a 'punishment' for some real or imagined neglect on your own part? If you are sure that this is not the case, it seems to me that there are two main possibilities: (1) bad communication, combined with different attitudes to birthdays in general or lockdown birthdays in particular; or (2) everyone has got into a habit of regarding you as the person responsible for organizing all holidays and celebrations.

(1) Birthdays are much more important to some people than to others. I am at one extreme: I can't bear to have my birthday acknowledged at all, and if people directly remarked on an age milestone ('Happy 50th!') they'd be lucky if I didn't boil them in oil! Fortunately my family and close friends know this and don't remind me of my birthday; and other people don't know when it is. I know I am extreme, but not everyone likes to be reminded of age-milestones. And some other people love their birthdays but hate surprises and like to be in control of what happens on their birthday, so would expect others to follow their directions rather than do something spontaneously.

There's also another issue this year. I notice increasingly that some people regard birthdays and other special occasions mainly as 'fun' social events, and therefore not having much point if lockdown and social distancing rules mean that such events have to be cancelled or drastically scaled down. For others they are mainly family occasions, and may become even more important when social life in general is restricted. I am guessing that perhaps most of your family are of the first type and you are of the second. Do you usually make a 'thing' of your birthday, or has it become more important due to lockdown? I'm asking because if you have a big birthday celebration every year, it's a little surprising that ALL your family would suddenly forget. (This is all assuming that you are indeed under pandemic-related restrictions. As you mention Thanksgiving, I assume that you are American, and realize that in that case, such things would be decided on a state or local level, rather than a national level.)

In any case, I would address it directly, rather than retaliate by 'forgetting' Thanksgiving or Christmas. Say something like 'Birthdays may not be important to you, but they are to me; and I feel quite hurt when you ignore mine.' If they don't respond, then I think you have bigger problems to address in your family relationships than one neglected birthday.

(2) They may have all come to see you as the 'holiday organizer', and maybe you see yourself that way too. Perhaps you could say, with regard to Thanksgiving and Christmas, that you look forward to these festivals, but find it increasingly difficult to take all the responsibility for all the organization, and will need help from them if these are to take place this year. If they aren't keen enough to put some of the work in, or don't think it's worth it at a time when such festivals must be scaled down, then there can't be a big 'do' this year,

Walkacrossthesand · 18/11/2020 12:51

I think 1000islands has posted late at night & gone to bed, in the USA. I'm not sure, from the OP, whether yesterday was her actual birthday, as she mentions family going ahead with their plans the following weekend, regardless of her hopes for a belated celebration.

As others have said, communication seems to have gone very wrong here - hopefully OP will be back later to explore this further. Thanks

2bazookas · 18/11/2020 12:54

Seventeen mentions of I, me, my.

Could be a clue why "they" don't care.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 18/11/2020 12:58

I see some people have internalised the concept of wife work pretty heavily if they think the OP is to blame for not reminding them.

No one said 'remind'. They said 'talk normally about'.

unmarkedbythat · 18/11/2020 13:01

@2bazookas

Seventeen mentions of I, me, my.

Could be a clue why "they" don't care.

How would you write about your feelings about your family forgetting your birthday without regular use of I, me or my?
HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 18/11/2020 13:05

Yes, what a stupid take on it. Of course OP is going to talk about herself when she’s talking about own feelings. Confused Hmm

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 18/11/2020 13:06

*her own feelings.

ddl1 · 18/11/2020 13:08

I see some people have internalised the concept of wife work pretty heavily if they think the OP is to blame for not reminding them.

In the case of her own birthday, it's not really a matter of 'wife work' (or it shouldn't be): it's a matter of making it clear what you want, especially if this differs from what you usually do every year (not clear to me whether it is). And no, not everyone wants others to make a fuss of their age-milestones.

In the case of other holidays, it sounds to me as though it could indeed be that there's an assumption that she has the 'wife work' of organizing it all. I'm suspecting this mainly because she's making it sound as though if she 'forgets' Thanksgiving, it won't happen. As I said above, I think this is something that she should address with her family.

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