Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

I can't see how this can happen in a loving family. Nor how close friends can do it too.

I would feel incredibly unloved if this had happened to me.

The family dynamics must be pretty unusual for this to happen. If there will be a drip feed it will be:
Dh is an abusive nutter
Op has gone no with entire family
Op had a strop about the flavour of her birthday cake last year, said she never wanted anyone to mention her birthday ever again and no one has been allowed to leave the naughty step since then
Dh is in the middle of a health/life crisis
Op is never wanted to celebrate her birthday before
Etc

@Hercwasonaroll

How does this happen?

That’s what I thought. The thought of your own husband forgetting or ignoring your birthday is actually heartbreaking.

OP happy birthday and I’m so sorry your friends and family are so thoughtless. It’s inconceivable to me that your husband would not make an effort, or the rest of your family. It says a lot about their feelings toward you I feel. Particularly for a big birthday it’s totally normal to discuss your upcoming birthday. I’m speechless. You deserve so much better 💐

Thank you all for responding to me frustration. It's comforting to know someone understands how I feel. One of the posts strikes me:

"It sounds to me like you've done all the organising for so long that organising stuff has become your responsibility and that's the way things are done in your family."

That's probably a sad truth. The more I do for my family, the more they take it for granted. I know I am not able to revenge on my family by not cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I would feel guilty and selfish afterwards. But I need to do less for my family because I don't want to raise my kids to take anyone's kindness for granted. Maybe too late, two of them are college adults already.

Thank you all for birthday wishes, you have made me feel much better.

they should all know better-if you want to do thanksgiving for you then do it but yes id pull back on other things

I'm wondering if they don't generally do much to celebrate birthdays. I don't understand how your husband would forget. I remind my kids every year when their dad's birthday is coming up but I harp on about mine so they don't need to be reminded, lol.

well, I think it isn't too late to do something.

I would write them all a letter. A gentle but firm letter which says how you feel, how much you put into family things and how hurtful it is that they all forgot your birthday, and didn't even remember the birthdya let alone that is was a 50.
Then say that you thought when you pointed it out, that they would then step up, plan a nice meal, buy some flowers, etc etc.
But nothing, and this is also hurtful.

I think it is really important in a situation like this to express how you are feeling and why. Because now, they still ahve no idea what they have done. They still don't get it, and they are still not seeing you as a person to be hurt, but as mum the organiser.

Then I would say something like - I almost cancelled thanksgiving, but I LIKE it and so I wanted it to happen.

Whether you get any change after that is another matter, but I do think you need to tell them how you feel. Don't let it go past. Otherwise nothing will change.

@dyrne

She didn’t tell what she wanted to do, but they didn’t get her a card, wish her happy birthday? Why should she have to mention that?

Why would you have to tell your husband you want at least a card for your birthday?!

@1000islandslake

Glad you are up and about and feeling a bit better. Can you just clarify, did everyone (husband / children / parents / other family / friends) totally forget your birthday, as in didn't send so much as a card or a text message or did they just do the same as previous birthdays and forgot it was your 50th and didn't make it extra special? Because to be honest, since you haven't said it happens every year, it does seem odd that every single person in your life forgot this year if they haven't other years. I have to think that there is something being missed out here - either they did cards / presents etc but forgot it was a "special" birthday, sad but could be forgiven, or they have never done anything, in which case, even sadder, but unsurprising that this year is the same.

Happy birthday OP

Of course it's absolutely shit that they haven't done anything, but I do find it very odd that you've not once mentioned your upcoming birthday. Not because I think you need to remind them, but because it's normal. My birthday's in three weeks or so and I've already pointed out a few things I want to DH, and he's asked me what I want to do for dinner that day if we can't go out due to lockdown.

Is there any reason it hasn't once come up in conversation?

Op my reply way down below was unfortunately right about things based on your update. You raised your DC believing that all that mattered was them and made yourself a martyr. Their behaviour is really not surprising. You have said that they have done this before and I'm sure you said nothing too. I think you realize now that you need to change something.

[quote MustardMitt]@dyrne

She didn’t tell what she wanted to do, but they didn’t get her a card, wish her happy birthday? Why should she have to mention that?

Why would you have to tell your husband you want at least a card for your birthday?![/quote]
Oh no absolutely I agree it’s terrible that none of her family even so much as gave her a card and a kiss on the cheek wishing “happy birthday”. You’re right, that definitely shouldn’t need prompting.

OP, I’m glad you’ve reflected on your general role within the family and hopefully you can use this to springboard a discussion about feeling taken for granted and how people need to start pulling your weight - don’t carry on martyring yourself until you snap (and are inevitably seen as the “bad guy”).

Start with Thanksgiving - bring it up with your family and say “right, what are the plans? Who’s buying the turkey? Who’s cooking vs washing up vs organising activities?). It still puts the mental load on you but you can gradually build them up to having to think about the organisation etc of these sorts of events.

That's really dreadful OP.
So sorry.

Without wanting to pour oil on it, I would be seriously pissed to have my birthday forgotten by my husband and children.

End of.

Absolutely no interest in a party or big dinner, but I would expect my immediate family that I have done and do so much for, to remember my birthday.

I would be seriously pissed of with my husband.

Happy Birthday

Please do talk to them all, honestly, directly and very clearly, without mincing your words or apologising or saying it’s silly or any other concession on your part!

And since no one else remembered or got you anything, please take a good amount of money (whatever is reasonable compared to what everyone else gets spent on them on their birthdays) and get yourself a really nice birthday present, something you really want and that you maybe ordinarily wouldn’t get because you spend your life prioritising everyone else.

For my 50th I would get something like a piece of jewellery, a cashmere scarf and hat or gloves, a handbag, a pair of good boots, a coat, or maybe a piece of art.

Make sure you buy it for yourself (or put the money aside specifically) this week, so that you don’t end up spending it on the house or Christmas presents for everyone else, or whatever.

Happy (belated) birthday!

How on earth did this not come in conversation with your DH never mind anyone else? Me and DH both turned 50 a couple of years ago and it was mentioned many times in the preceding months! I just can't imagine it being the day before my 50th and going about my business not mentioning it to the person I lived with.

Hey @1000islandslake take a look at AIBU. A thoughtful mumsnetter told us about you

I would find this really hard to take. There's no way I'd do Thanksgiving after that. You are a bigger woman than I OP. Happy belated birthday. Definitely leave your family to fend for themselves a bit more. They need a lesson in gratitude.

@Straysocks

Hey *@1000islandslake* take a look at AIBU. A thoughtful mumsnetter told us about you

Yes, please do take a look! 🎈🎈🎈

[quote Donkeeey]@1000islandslake

Glad you are up and about and feeling a bit better. Can you just clarify, did everyone (husband / children / parents / other family / friends) totally forget your birthday, as in didn't send so much as a card or a text message or did they just do the same as previous birthdays and forgot it was your 50th and didn't make it extra special? Because to be honest, since you haven't said it happens every year, it does seem odd that every single person in your life forgot this year if they haven't other years. I have to think that there is something being missed out here - either they did cards / presents etc but forgot it was a "special" birthday, sad but could be forgiven, or they have never done anything, in which case, even sadder, but unsurprising that this year is the same.[/quote]
They totally forgot it was my birthday. Not even a word about "happy birthday". Since kids grew into teen years, our family typically celebrate birthdays by going out for a nice diner, holed up for a movie picked by the birthday boy/girl, a happy birthday song with candles on the cake, some pictures and video clips to keep. I don't expect anything special. This year because of COVID, we didn't go out for dinner, but I cooked meals and ordered cakes for each of the six birthdays this year. Mine is the last one this year, they completely forgot. I don't blame my parents, they stay in their home and not going anywhere because of COVID, it's very easy to lose track of time and date. What I am upset about is DH. Instead of making it up to me, he was blaming me not reminding him. I thought that was ridiculous after more than 20 years of marriage, but after reading some of the posts, I realized there are people thinking the same way. I never knew there are real people actually remind family members to remember their birthday. Interesting!

I am not bitter anymore. I will focus on raising my kids to be more thoughtful future husbands and wives.

Oh OP you poor thing that's unforgivable.

How does this happen?

A month or so before my birthday I talk about what I might do for it. A couple of weeks before we’ll decide. My husband will ask what I want, then a few days before I’ll say ‘ooooh! It’s my birthday soon’ etc.

I don’t understand how people you live with can be allowed to forget. It’s bizarre.

Oh screw that... First off happy birthday!

And next yes, I would be on fire mad about this. Do not let this pass. No matter what they do now it’s going to be tainted by their selfishness. So I’m in camp, screw Thanksgiving. Book yourself a reservation at a nice restaurant, grab a good book that you’ve been wanting to read and leave them to it. Don’t tell them, don’t go on about it, just go and indulge yourself.

I’m so sorry and I’m mad at your family on your behalf.

I am not bitter anymore. I will focus on raising my kids to be more thoughtful future husbands and wives.

Does that mean that you are not going to talk about it again?

because I really would recommend that you sit them down and tell them, properly, how it made you feel. It has been glossed over hasn't it? (and you have got the blame )

I agree with others that in the run up to birthdays in our house we do talk about it - Oh I thought we'd celebrate on the Thursday with a take away, are you all going to be around then? etc

But that is not the same as having to remind your family, you shouldn't have to do that.
When I was growing up, my dad would take us into his bedroom and we would have secret discussions about what we were doing/buying for mum's birthday. Even as an older teen, and we were DAD we haven't forgotten! So it is shocking that none of them remembered at all.

They need to be told. Really told, just how crap it was, at the moment it is a sort of Oh yeah, sorry and it is gone.
Not Good Enough 1000islanslake's family, Not Godd Enough At All!

So your husband blamed you.

It becomes clearer.

You are married to a selfish prick.

You mind yourself OP.

Dont be bitter OP be angry. Dont just swallow down your hurt, let them see it. It is ok to let people know when they've let you down, especially when it should be bloody obvious.