Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

And happy birthday

I think you need to be clear and direct with your DH. He is key in this. Tell him how hurt you are, how neglected and taken for granted you feel.

You say it isn’t the first time. It isn’t’just’ your birthday, it’s the whole way they don’t show any appreciation. And it is just lazy for them not to cook when you, their servant, is working.

Tell them that you are sick and tired of it. If there is to be a Thanksgiving dinner it will need to be a joint effort. Everyone working hard together. Or be straightforward and tell them that as no one made an effort for your birthday you are not making an effort for Thanksgiving. (But they will just get a takeaway...)

Sort this out now, OP.

I agree with others in that surely you talk about your birthday in advance .... we were talking about my DH's 60th for over a year in advance (and then did nothing more than a nice meal at home because of lockdown ). I've always talked about my birthday and made rough plans - mainly so I do what I want to do - I would hate a surprise.

Did you and your DH genuinely have NO discussion about your upcoming 50th birthday?

How hurtful not to receive any cards at all! I'm pretty stunned that they could all be so thoughtless. Do the family usually send your cards or was this a one off?

Yep, forget thanksgiving and then forget Christmas, they don't deserve your effort, spend your saved money and time on you. X

Your PARENTS forgot??? Not sure I quite believe that 😳😳😳

You maybe unlucky enough to have a selfish partner and kids, but parents too?? You are very unlucky 🤔

I’d be deeply hurt if someone forgot my 50th (which is next year), but we’re already talking about what we might do, saving etc so there’s little chance it’ll be forgot. If I told them they’d forgotten I’d expect them to have got cards, gifts, cake etc.

Do you make a fuss of everyone else’s birthday? If so, I’d be stopping that now - a card and a gift if you’re so inclined. If you’re the one who plans thanksgiving and Christmas I’d start delegating that out too. These family celebrations take a lot of work and if you’re the only one pulling on the rope it’s far from fair.

I’d also be buying myself a gift from whichever money pot you usually buy gifts from. It won’t make up for their disregard of you but at least you can chose your own thing.

But no, if they’ve decided that birthdays don’t get celebrated I’d take them at their word and not celebrate any, including the birth of baby Jesus and I’d be telling them why.

Ridiculous behaviour.

I'm so sorry OP, that was really shitty of your family and friends, and even worse that they did nothing when you reminded them. It's so inconsiderate and selfish of them! Their apology was pretty meaningless if it wasn't followed up with some actions to redress.

I don't think you should just play happy families and move on. I think you should let them know how hurt you feel and tell them they can make it up to you by organising the thanksgiving meal this year and using it to mark your birthday.

It's crappy to feel taken for granted - they really should do better. Happy 50th. Also - do something nice for yourself OP to Mark it - maybe plan a nice trip for next year or buy yourself something special.

Did they forget your birthday, or that you are 50? What’s your normal style of birthdays - low key or high octane? Are you normally the birthday organiser?

Yes, it is sad that they forgot your 50th. To be honest, I wouldn’t expect anyone outside my immediate family to realise that it’s my birthday (and that I was turning 50). Once you had mentioned it, I still wouldn’t expect a belated meal as the event had passed. Maybe flowers from family at most.

I don’t think it’s lack of caring. They probably don’t realise (or have forgotten) how important it is to be reciprocated on your birthday. Dropping lots of hints beforehand always helps!

I cannot believe you would let this happen.

Did you not remind them?
Did you not mention a special meal?

did they know it was even your birthday

Wow, what shit family and friends you have 😱. I'd be so upset and I'm not big on birthdays!!

Did they forget your birthday, or forget it was your 50th?

I'm astonished by the view that the OP shouldn't have let this happen, and it was her responsibility to "remind" everyone beforehand; and now it is her responsibility to explain why she is upset. Are all these other adults incapable of normal human reactions?

I'm sure there are some lovely spas open over Thanksgiving , so I'd be tempted to do and organise nothing, pack my bags the night before, and have a lovely long weekend down at the spa. If anyone has the audacity to say anything I'd tell them that I was under the impression that we'd all decided that big family celebrations are a thing of the past so you had taken a leaf out of their book and decided to do your own thing, withoit them, for all future celebrations.

That's an absolute shitty thing to happen and pretty much shows just how much they take you for granted.

Go and book yourself a week away somewhere nice over thanksgiving, go and do or visit somewhere you've always wanted to go (lockdown permitting) and tell them the day before you leave. Fuck em'

Wired how no one remembered at all. Husband and parents particularly. They are the ones most usually on the ball I find. But to be honest I do think you have to steer these sorts of things to make sure something happens if that is what you. Usually a few weeks before a birthday, my DH and I will discuss what we want to do.nyou have to give things a push. I organised a party for my fiftieth and invited wider family. It was nice. Decided to finish with bigger parties after that do just me and DH and posh meal out for sixtieth. But I tend to be proactive so I get what I want rather than wait to see what happens. Agree with previous posters, you need to speak seriously to DH about this and organise a replacement treat. But you instigate it and tell them what you'd like and when. Then they do the leg work to organise - even if it is just a nice present and a photograph to mark the milestone. Best wishes

You should have “bigged it up” in advance.
Maybe they thought you wanted to keep it quiet during lockdown. We cancelled our Silver Anniversary until we can all be together.

I completely understand why you are upset however did you mention to anyone it was your birthday/ you wanted a fuss / wanted a celebration.

I’ve realised just because I remember people’s birthdays and special occasions doesn’t mean others think like me. Everyone’s different and if they didn’t know your expectations they were always going to fall short.

Definitely mention it and say what you were expecting. It doesn’t have to be in a mean way. Then suggest they make up for at thanks giving or Christmas in a way you actually want.

@AnnaFiveTowns

"Forget" to do Thanksgiving.

This.

I’m on the side of not bothering with Thanksgiving either. Or at least, putting yourself out to the minimum. You’ve tried addressing it directly and got some mealy mouthed apologies; sometimes people have to be on the receiving end to get the point. DH and I fell out about my birthday one year when he’d arranged to do something else all day and I got the “we are going out to dinner - you’re not 6” line. When his birthday came round, there was a card and a small gift from the kids and a card from me,, with none of the balloons, cake etc that I usually do. And I actually saw the penny drop with him. Maybe your family needs to be on the receiving end of zero effort to see how disappointing it is.

Happy birthday OP!!!

If I were you I’d be telling them Thanksgiving is off, unless they do it themselves. They sound totally self-absorbed.
Treat yourself to something nice if/when you are allowed.
Let them know how hurt you are. If they can’t understand, stop bothering with them

I'm not sure op. Were your DC raised to believe that kids birthday's are more important and you 'didn't make a deal of your own?
It is very hurtful that everyone didn't remember. But they will all go on what was normal to them.

It’s mostly the fact they still didn’t buy you a gift or arrange a meal after you informed them they’d forgotten. If they were truly sorry they’d definitely have done that...

I’m with PP’s suggesting you forget Thanksgiving.

Do any of them have significant birthdays coming up?
I'd let them all know that none of them are getting a birthday next year and they all know why, they are a rubbish family to disregard your 50th, and they should all be ashamed of themselves.
Christmas would be cut down with no gifts from me too, your parents should be mortified.

Have you ever told them you would like them to make a fuss?
Just asking as loads of women seem to be stuck in the “don’t make a fuss, I don’t like to be in the centre if attention” routine and then are disappointed if people take that face value. It happens so often, and your family aren’t mind readers.
You told them afterwards, but how? In a “for next milestone birthday” way, or “for this one”.

I don't understand this at all. Failing to mention your own birthday in advance so completely that everyone literally forgets it, even during a lockdown when you're all under one roof, strikes me as so odd as to practically constitute entrapment. Was this some kind of test you devised to set your family up for failure?