Should I tell my family how to make up for a mistake?

[1000islandslake]

My 50th birthday came and went, nobody remembered. My husband, my college and middle school kids, my parents, my sisters, and my friends, none of them remembered. I was hoping to have a celebration, because it's rare to have my colleges kids home bound due to COVID. Unfortunately nobody remembered. When I expressed my disappointment to them, they all apologized. I thought if they were sincere, they would make it up by celebrating this coming weekend or any day, but they all went to do their own things, didn't think about it at all. I am not able to accept those apologies, but I cannot be happy this way. Do they not care about me? or do they lack problem solving skills? Should I tell them how to make an effort to make up for a mistake? Maybe I don't cook on Thanksgiving night, but that means I cannot have a happy thanksgiving. I am stuck!

I would absolutely forget to do thanksgiving.. just say, oh I assumed someone else would be doing it this year.

Agree with @ConquestEmpireHungerPlague. So strange to not say anything and then plot this revenge to show them. Feels really sulky. Sure it's your 50th, but I don't get why on earth you wouldn't remind people and plan things and instead test whether they love you enough. People I love very much aren't uppermost in my mind when it comes to dates/birthdays and generally there's something that jogs my memory nearer the time, whether it's a comment from them or Facebook. You being stuck is really your own problem to solve, whether it's by ditching the friends and caring less about the family and pleasing yourself, or by accepting their apologies and moving on. You can't force them to care more by pulling the Thanksgiving stunt. I mean, forget Thanksgiving if you want, but you can only control how you feel, not everyone else.

Completely agree with RainingBatsAndFrogs

"I think you need to be clear and direct with your DH. He is key in this. Tell him how hurt you are, how neglected and taken for granted you feel.

You say it isn’t the first time. It isn’t’just’ your birthday, it’s the whole way they don’t show any appreciation. And it is just lazy for them not to cook when you, their servant, is working.

Tell them that you are sick and tired of it. If there is to be a Thanksgiving dinner it will need to be a joint effort. Everyone working hard together."

I don't think friends or colleagues are the issue, your dh should have organised the kids.

Goodness I would expect people to remember that. Family especially. I would forget Thanksgiving, and spend some money on yourself for a nice takeout or something.

Why should the op be 'clear' and have to 'communicate' this to her husband? He is with her probably for a long time and should know this already.

The alternative is that in your home op, you all don't make a big deal of it and this seems a more likely explanation given you have said this happened before.

i agree with @ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

it is like some kind of test which your family failed and you are a martyr

pointless way of living op.
you want a big deal made, you Tell people

Well obviously I would never acknowledge any of the selfish bastards’ birthdays ever again OP! Tell them how upset you are and see if they make it up to you.

Who organises birthday celebrations for the others? If it’s you please say you’ll stop!

Who's is the bext birthday and when is it? I think I'd be saying you thought they were find with not celebrating birthdays and weren't planning to do anything. The only way they will realise how hurtful it is, is if you treat them the same

I guess you wish them to proactively remember so you don’t mention it at all in the lead up?

I'm with those that need a bit of clarity before judging too harshly. Did everyone literally forget your birthday or did they forget it was your 50th? There is a big difference. Did no-one, not one single person get you a card or present, post happy birthday to your Facebook page or whatever? Did your parents / husband / kids do nothing on the day at all, sing happy birthday, ring you, text you? If so, that's appalling. If they may have not realised it was your 50th, but did the usual cards and presents that you would get on another birthday then that's very different.

I love the way that posters are making this the OPs fault. You should have said, you should have reminded, you should have acted - because there is not way your lazy-arsed family should be expected to remember you exist.

Why does she need to talk to them? Are they so entirely self-absorbed that they don't think they owe her a conversation about their lack of effort?

Also not loving the fact that if she doesnt carry on being the family doormat perfect wife and mummy by refusing to do Thanksgiving she is "passive aggressive " and "sulky". There is nothing passive aggressive in deciding that you dont fancy running yourself flat out for a bunch of ingrates. Seriously OP stop being hurt and get angry that your family are happy to treat you this way.

That's shit. My 40th happened in lockdown and I was organising a party which I obviously cancelled. As a result I got nothing from my husband (my children remembered the night before and did homemade cards) and I got a card off my parents and my sister.
I was really upset that I apperently meant so little to my husband and that not one person got me a present and as the party was cancelled I thought we might ar least get a takeaway. My husband moaned so much that I just got a takeaway for me and the children. So my birthday ended in a blazing row because I didn't order for him.
If they're selfish enough to forget I certainly wouldn't put any effort in to their birthdays (except your children) or any other events.
If they can't be bothered why should you?

Well, I don't believe it.

Of course I believe the OP, but are you sure there isn't a big surprise party as sounds very unlikely that even your parents would forget.

Sounds very suspicious, as if something is being planned in the background.

Failing to mention your own birthday in advance so completely that everyone literally forgets it, even during a lockdown when you're all under one roof, strikes me as so odd as to practically constitute entrapment. Was this some kind of test you devised to set your family up for failure?

Don't be utterly ridiculous. Not mentioning your birthday is neither a test nor entrapment. They are her family. They should remember. Or do you really think that none of the people mentioned have a telephone or calendar where they can put birthdays in, if their memories are too atrocious to remember?

It's almost like people blaming the birthday person for not putting their date of birth public on Facebook.

I think I would start by asking what they're doing for Thanksgiving this year...

Happy birthday!

I’m with pp who have asked about how much your family knows about how hurt you feel. I’m not averse to making a big non-verbal ‘statement’ such as going on strike for Thanksgiving, but I’d advise being clear why you’re doing it. You might let them know you felt hurt they forgot your birthday, that you accept the apologies, but you still want to mark a milestone birthday. You could tell them what you want is...what? For them to do the Thanksgiving meal? For something else? Often we fall into a pattern of expecting people close to us to know how we feel and what we want, and then we seethe when they don’t intuit any of it. Your folks might be genuinely confused with a Thanksgiving flounce out (satisfying as it might feel to do it) if they don’t make the connection between your actions and their omission. If you have not told them how hurt you are, they may think it didn’t matter so much to you. Had you been saying for some time that you wished to make your 50th special and they still forgot - throw the book at them, that’s a whole other issue. I wonder if you find it generally difficult to say what you want and expect from others?

It clearly isn't the OP's fault - there must a massive back story.

I LOVE the posters saying “forget” to do thanksgiving and/or Christmas. If they can’t be arsed to bestir themselves to create a nice day for you, why should you do so for them?

Did they at least get you gifts even if late? I’m sorry OP, I would also be deeply upset.

On the other hand, I remember a girl in first year at uni whose sister contacted me to say how upset she was nothing had happened on her birthday - but she hadn’t mentioned to anyone it was her birthday coming up! Yes, it was on Facebook, but that only tells you on the day by which point it is too late to organise anything. So I also think maybe you didn’t help by not mentioning how excited you were for your birthday a couple of weeks in advance. But still, they shouldn’t have forgotten.

That's really poor of them, OP. It's my DH's 50th next year, I've been harping on about it since before he turned 49 and hoping we can have a big party, if we are allowed!

Some of my oldest friends forgot my 30th, but in fairness I practically forgot it myself as I'd just had DD1 and I did get a lot of nice cards and presents for her from the same friends. It just caught them on the hop as I was the first one to turn 30 and as I say, it was all about DD1 at the time. They were very apologetic and we did do something in the end.

I hope it's like TV programme and they are actually all planning something really nice for you.

I understand OP, I spent my 50th in tears. I am not one for birthdays but I wanted to celebrate this one and everyone knew that. My DH was even on a business trip on my B'day and tagged on a few extra days to go sightseeing. I ended up spending my 50th with my elderly dad and sibling, who were lovely and got me a cake etc. Friends of mine didn't even send me a card despite ensuring their birthdays make the millennium celebrations look tame. One close friend has gone cold on me because she sent me a message a while back saying something like "Save the date. It is my 50th on XXXXX and you only get to do this once. We will be having a weekend at my house with a huge party. You have to celebrate your 50th in style, don't you". I replied something like "Yes, a 50th is important. Mine was back in XXXX". Silence ever since. She did know as it was on my FB and I've know her for years. Other friends didn't bother either. My DH didn't buy me a present and I was very, very upset. Nothing from in-laws but miss their birthdays and it is WW3. I wasn't being a martyr either. They all knew it was important to me. I took it as a sign of thoughtlessness and disrespect when I am the person who makes sure everyone else is happy.

A year later my DH took it upon himself to make it up to me, and some. I am glad of that but I am not prepared for other people to treat me as a lesser person any more, one who it doesn't matter if I don't get a card or present, oh it's just Mistletroll and she won't mind. No more!

Really sorry OP about your 50th. I think you should kick up a fuss about the lack of respect and thought like I did. I've stopped being a people pleaser as a result of this.

When it's my 50th I will start reminding people from when I turn 49!

Do you often set your family up to fail and then punish them for failing? If so maybe they didn’t forget it was your birthday.

That said, your parents not even sending a card is pretty extreme.

I think you need to tell your family how you feel. I think “forgetting” thanksgiving won’t get you what you want- which I think is evidence that apologies they have given weren’t just lip-service and that your feelings matter to them.

So, tell them how their behaviour- not just forgetting your birthday, which is bad enough, but having then not lifted a finger to do something nice or help you since it was pointed out to them- makes you feel. I’d be blunt and let them know it makes you feel as though you are very low on their priority list, which really hurts.

I would also say, from now on that the workload is going to be more evenly split. So if thanksgiving is going to happen, those who are going to be there need to muck in and contribute. If they don’t, then don’t run around doing it all for them.

@Franklyfrost do you mean "setting them up to fail" by having a birthday on the same day for the 49 previous years? Yeah, no one could have seen that coming.

That is very poor from all of them! I can't even fathom it, your parents, siblings and friends as well. I would have thought there is generally always a count down to the big 5-0. To be fair I organised my own do with my family (which was a huge let down in the event which I would rather not be reminded of). I think we need more info about whether they forgot your birthday altogether or just the fact that it was an important one. You can have some sympathy from me as I think it's rubbish of them and they should have been mortified when reminded.

Happy belated birthday!! I'd be livid if I was you, some people on here will get bitchy saying it's your fault for being sad it's just a birthday etc but it's just so mean!! I believe Christmas is for everyone but your birthday is more special because it's just about you so I always make more fuss for someones birthday! Personally I'd be cooking a meal for 1 for Thanksgiving if I was you and making sure the rest of your family know why!! Selfish fecks!!