Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump DP over his female friend.

295 replies

femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:08

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

OP posts:
middleager · 16/11/2020 09:11

I'd get out now. He has zero respect for you.

howtobe · 16/11/2020 09:13

I wouldn’t be happy.

Absolutely fine to have friends of opposite sex and text regularly or see each other occasionally but going on holidays together and the lack of openness about his whereabouts would ring alarm bells

carbhunter · 16/11/2020 09:14

Yes.
You have answered your own question. He's not the one for you, he either loves this woman or he likes her as an ego boost. Get rid and find someone who deserves you.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2020 09:15

YANBU. There are three of you in the relationship already. He knows your feelings about this and he has failed to prioritise you over her. At best she is an emotional crutch with a toxic influence, at worst they are having an affair. Why would you voluntarily put yourself in this position? Get out now.

Boom45 · 16/11/2020 09:16

His closest friend is female and that's a deal breaker for you. I think you should break up. Maybe one day he'll find someone who is happy with his friendship or possibly one day he'll just marry his best friend...

Respectabitch · 16/11/2020 09:16

Well, as an alternative view, it's hardly surprising that he turns to his best friend when you two are on the outs, and dinner and chatting with a best friend is hardly the height of impropriety. It's entirely possible for a man to have a female best friend and still be faithful. Either you trust him and trust he doesn't have feelings for her or you don't. You clearly don't, so it won't work, so stay split.

HellonHeels · 16/11/2020 09:17

Yep, he's done. Get rid.

Respectabitch · 16/11/2020 09:18

And I would have fuck all time for someone who expected me not to go to dinner with a straight male friend and thought they could dictate on what terms my friendship and interaction with that person took place. In fact, I'm bi, so if DH was of your mind, I would never be allowed to text, go on holiday with someone else, or socialise one on one at all.

Flyonthewall01 · 16/11/2020 09:19

How long have you been together and how long has he been friends with this woman? If its caused him issues previously with exs and is causing issues with you he needs to cut her off properly and not keep running back to her when things get tough. Has he any other friends?

IamTomHanks · 16/11/2020 09:20

How long were you together? If not very long then I don't see why he needs to tell you about every person he goes to dinner with, especially if its a friend. Same with after work drinks, concerts. etc.

Honestly unless your not telling some details, I think YABU and sound a bit controlling.

Original poster
femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:21

We've been together 2 years. It was one of the contributing factors to his last relationship ending.

He has lots of other friends but he says he can only truly open up to this specific friend.

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 16/11/2020 09:22

@Respectabitch

And I would have fuck all time for someone who expected me not to go to dinner with a straight male friend and thought they could dictate on what terms my friendship and interaction with that person took place. In fact, I'm bi, so if DH was of your mind, I would never be allowed to text, go on holiday with someone else, or socialise one on one at all.
I agree with this completely.

BUT he has said himself that he would charge the terms of his friendship. And hasn't. I'd totally support the fact that he shouldn't have to, but then he shouldn't be asking the op to come back promising that he'll change his friendship

Original poster
femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:23

It's not that he has to tell me every interaction he has. Everyday we talk about what we've done, how was work, what did we get up to after work... and he omitted this detail on purpose. It's the conversation at the start of our relationship, the acknowledgment that it has caused issues for him in the past and asking how I feel... then completely disregarding any of that and intentionally keeping things secret.

OP posts:
Blobson · 16/11/2020 09:24

Regardless of whether this friend is male or female, any friendship that causes this level of destruction to someone's relationships is unhealthy and unfair. He has already had one broken relationship due to this friendship, and he's about to lose another one. Surely the alarm bells must be ringing for him?!? How he can not see that this friendship is the kiss of death to his relationships is beyond me.

From the point of view that this friend is female, well, yes, this will be an issue for many people, not necessarily just because she's female, but mainly because he's behaving in an untrustworthy way with another woman. The fact that he lied at the start about his intentions to continue the relationship in the same vein, that he lied by omission by not telling you that he was meeting her, the fact he booked a getaway with her when he'd refused to do that for you, the fact that he has again promised to cut back on the relationship but is now backtracking. I know it's easy for me to say, but your relationship is never going to work whilst she's so heavily in the picture because he's putting another person's feelings above yours and being sneaky to boot.

Respectabitch · 16/11/2020 09:25

@femalefriend

It's not that he has to tell me every interaction he has. Everyday we talk about what we've done, how was work, what did we get up to after work... and he omitted this detail on purpose. It's the conversation at the start of our relationship, the acknowledgment that it has caused issues for him in the past and asking how I feel... then completely disregarding any of that and intentionally keeping things secret.
Well, honestly, you kind of set him up for that by making it clear you wouldn't be happy with him seeing her, even innocently. He shouldn't have promised something he couldn't deliver, but you put him in the position of selling out a presumably close and valued friend or losing a woman he was interested in. A lot of people would have taken the path of least resistance in that scenario.
Anxiousannie35 · 16/11/2020 09:27

I wonder how he would respond if you had a male friend that you did all of this with?

It's very inappropriate and I would presume she knows full well what she's doing as well. After ruining one relationship surely she would take a step back if she really cared for him in nothing but a friendly way.

I really have doubts that this is 100% platonic, sorry.

HavelockVetinari · 16/11/2020 09:27

I'd bin him off - the friendship is less an issue than his lying about seeing her. And the holiday, when he wouldn't go away with you - rude, hypocritical and a red flag. Get rid.

MotheringShites · 16/11/2020 09:27

Well you can’t make yourself comfortable with something you’re not, but at the same time, it feels very unreasonable that you are dictating the terms of his friendships.

I know it’s an over-used trope on here, but if the sexes were reversed you’d be getting a very different response.

He shouldn’t have to give up a valuable friend, but you can’t deal with it. It’ll never work. Go your separate ways.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 16/11/2020 09:27

this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship

So what did she do? Cos your OP is about how he acts and what he does regarding this friend. I would think his previous relationship ended because of his actions.

Either way, I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt they couldn't be fully themself around me which is what it sounds like he's saying.

Bin him off, I don't think the friend is the issue and he clearly isn't going to change his behaviour.

Redolent · 16/11/2020 09:28

The holiday thing exposes the fact that this isn’t a gender issues. If he’d gone on holiday with a group of male friends, despite telling you that he wasn’t keen on one for months, people would rightly be denouncing him as hypocritical and failing to prioritise your relationship.

Lordamighty · 16/11/2020 09:28

Every time you have a row or any kind of difficulty in your relationship he will go running to her. This is despite the the fact that it is his inappropriate relationship with her that is causing the rows and difficulties. I think he is a lost cause as he watched his last relationship die because of it & yet has learned nothing.
Save your efforts for someone who puts you first.

FlouncerInDenial · 16/11/2020 09:29

How well do you get on with her?

YoniAndGuy · 16/11/2020 09:30

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Go and find a grown up and leave Mr Wide Eyed Innocence to carry on messing with this woman’s head while crying into his pint that he never seems to find a girlfriend who sticks around.

Twat, and he knows exactly what he’s doing.

‘Wow it’s a real shame that somehow you are so utterly unique that you can only ever open up to one single woman in the whole world... and she’s not your partner! I wonder what amazing quirk in your psyche makes that happen. Perhaps it’s Stirring Little Shitbag Syndrome, have you heard of it? Quite common in men like you until they realise everyone else is sorting out their personal lives and they’re beginning to get left behind. Then they miraculously get cured and start behaving like grown ups. Hope that happens to you too’

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2020 09:30

Op you can’t change who you are. You jealous and insecure because she’s female, if it was a bloke your reaction would not be like this

Yes I think you need to end it, it is not right to dictate he can’t have friends of the opposite sex.

DrizzleandDamp · 16/11/2020 09:31

Is she in a relationship or married?

I actually can’t understand why they aren’t just with each other, yes it’s possible to be platonic but they snogged as teenagers? It sounds very intense and I’m not sure I’d be happy about it. Even a same sex friend it sounds like that person has his heart and soul and it isn’t truly available to a partner.