To dump DP over his female friend.

[femalefriend]

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

@MilerVino

No. If there were any issues, they were due to him and his ex. Just like the issues in your relationship are due to either you, or him.

Well so far the common denominator in his two most recent failed relationships is his friendship with this woman. It is starting to look like a pattern.

I can see both sides of your argument but nothing you have said has suggested that this woman has done anything wrong other than have a close friend who is of a different sex than her, and do completely normal friend things with him, like go for food together. You haven't said that she sends him naked photos of her or introduces him as her boyfriend, or insults you behind your back or anything in the least bit inappropriate!

'Not sending naked photos' is a low bar to set for inappropriate behaviour! He sees her as his confidante, the only one he can truly open up to. He holidays with her when he won't holiday with his girlfriend. And yes, I know the holiday came after the breakup. It's not the holiday in itself, it's the fact that whatever reasons he had for not holidaying with his girlfriend disappeared when it came to holidaying with his friend.

There are close friendships, and then there's putting your partner after your friends. This sounds to me like the latter.

I don't actually disagree with your points - as I said I can see both POV (OPs and her bfs) and while I don't see the issue with having a close female friend, I agree the holiday is the tipping point and, for me, would be enough to break up with the bf if I were in OPs position.

My comment wasn't addressing that - it was pointing out that whether you think the OP or her BF was at fault, the one person we don't know anything about and who it is unfair to blame, call a "troublemaker" someone who "probably loves the attention" and all the other insulting names she has been called by other women on this thread is the third party female friend.

Forget the naked photos example then - my point still stands that that OP hasn't given a single example of why this woman, herself, has done anything wrong or caused the relationship/s to fail. Not even anything as innocuous as 'she messages him all the time,' or "she ends her messages with kisses." Nothing at all...yet apparently both his relationships ending are her fault?

You say "Well so far the common denominator in his two most recent failed relationships is his friendship with this woman," but again, that's not her fault. It's either issues OP and his ex share (if you're on the bfs side and think they are clingy, jealous, and sexist/hypocritical because they accept different standards for same vs opposite sex friends) or an issue with the bf if you're on OPs side (he's in love with with his friend, uncommitted to the relationship, etc.). Also we only have a third hand story that that's why the prior relationship broke down - The bf telling OP who told us, both of whom have their own agendas. For all we know the ex could say it was due to a million different things and the close female friend thing was only one part of it - or even something the bf made up to conceal the real reason!

I agree this relationship isn't great and OP should end it - I don't agree that, of the three parties involved, the female friend deserves most, or any, of the blame for the issues.

So cringey people trying to paint op as controlling from her op when she lives with a man who prioritises another woman ahead of her, sneaks around behind her back to meet up and have dinner alone with this other woman, goes on holiday abroad alone with this woman after he told his partner he wasnt interested in going abroad with her, tells his partner this "friend" is the only person he can be himself around, meaning he is not himself around his partner. Who the hell is that reliant on another person who isnt their partner honestly. Its not about males/females being friends its about boundries becoming so blurred he is treating the friend much better than his own partner. Theres nothing controlling about the partner then disagreeing and asking him to stop prioritising another woman over her.

The OP hasn't said that she's worried about anything actually happening between them. She's more worried about the way he prioritises his friend over her, in that he wouldn't go on holiday with her because of worries about Covid, but then rushed off on an overseas holiday with this friend whilst they were on a break.

I reckon she would be saying the same things if the friend was a man. He's putting the friendship ahead of his relationship. That isn't good however you look at it.

Hi OP,
Either he needs to change or sadly I think you need to end it. There must be something missing in your relationship with him if he needs something extra from this friend.
As his partner you should naturally be the person he turns to. Many years ago, I was in exactly the same position... fortunately my partner massively cut down his interaction with friend as he valued our relationship more.

@thevassal I agree this relationship isn't great and OP should end it - I don't agree that, of the three parties involved, the female friend deserves most, or any, of the blame for the issues.

I agree. Nothing the OP has said even suggests this.

Thanks @thevassal - I see what you mean about that. Something about the relationship is causing problems, yes. But I agree we don't really know what she has actually done.

One of my closest friends is male. We often go for dinner (well pre COVID), been on holiday several times, stayed over a his. We’ve been friends for years, we get on great. No romance at all. If my DH started dictating who o could and could not be friends with and what I could do with my friends I would get rid of the controlling cock. No wonder he’s been doing things on the sly

And I don’t agree that there’s necessarily something missing in a relationship- it’s very unhealthy to expect absolutely every need to be satisfied by one person

@Ihatefish

One of my closest friends is male. We often go for dinner (well pre COVID), been on holiday several times, stayed over a his. We’ve been friends for years, we get on great. No romance at all. If my DH started dictating who o could and could not be friends with and what I could do with my friends I would get rid of the controlling cock. No wonder he’s been doing things on the sly

Do you tell your DH that your male friend is the only person with whom you can truly be yourself?

Do you run to him to tell him intimate details about your relationship when you and DH have a row?

Why bother? Life's too short for this drama. Find another who's into you.

@ClaireP20

He fancies her, probably loves her, but cannot have her. Dump him, and she is a nasty piece of work too - selfish the pair of them. Don't get caught in their narcissistic crossfire xx

This.

@Ihatefish true but at the same time I am sure you never told your husband that this friend is the person you confide in and is the only person you can completely be yourself with. That and some of his behavior does indicate he is at least having an emotional affair with this friend

Well I do confide in my friend as I do my female friends. I’m different with everyone in a way. I hate the term “emotional affair” it seems to be increasingly used to cover any situations where there’s any form of emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex you’re not in a relationship with.

He likes her more than he likes you. Just leave, you're not going to win this one.

@Ihatefish there is nothing wrong with having an emotional connection with other people. What is wrong is if you have a deeper emotional connection with the friend then with your partner

YADNBU. Dump him. He’s clearly obsessed with this ‘friend’. If she was a real friend, she’d not mess up his relationships and keep her distance from him. One of them holds a torch for the other, and the other person gets off on their power.

Your DP can’t be arsed to build a relationship with you because he’s so gullible he keeps running back to her and she massages his ego.

There’s nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but this sounds dodgy, and she and he aren’t thinking about you and your relationship, it seems.

I have had very close friendships with men but when I met my (now ex) husband I deliberately drifted from them slightly out of respect for my then bf. I split up with my husband and developed an incredibly close friendship with 2 guys who I work with, when I met my bow bf again I deliberately stopped doing some of the things we did previously. Your bf should want to do the same, he should want to be with you more than anyone else. He may not be doing anything wrong but the fact that he doesn’t want to speaks volumes and I wouldn’t put up with it. Personally I want to be with someone who puts me above everyone else

There's definitely nothing wrong with a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex (if you're heterosexual, obviously the same applies if you're attracted to the same sex). But if you have an emotional attachment to that person, as seems to be the case here whether they admit it or not, then it crosses a line. Regardless of whether there has been anything physical between you, that isn't the point here. No one wants to be second best when in a relationship.

@CounsellorTroi

How does posting pictures of your holiday make you a piece of work? It was her holiday right?

It depends on whether she knows the OP is uncomfortable about it or not.

Why should she care if OP is bothered? At that point OP was her friend's ex-girlfriend, someone she had only met a few times, why would a practical stranger's possibly hurt feelings trump whether the friend shared her holiday photos with all her other (closer) friends and family? Do you not put your holiday photos up in case it makes your ex colleague feel jealous? How about no photos of your wedding in case it upsets your cousin's single roommate?

I'm sure if she had blocked or deleted OP that would have been wrong too as OP would have assumed she was hiding something.

@thevassal I would hope most people are sensetive enough to not post pictures of them having a great time with an ex if they are friends on Facebook or Instagram.

Now if OP was instagram stalking then yes there is nothing wrong but if a male friend broke up with a partner and we went on a holiday just the two of us I would certainly not post those holiday pictures if I had the ex partner added on Facebook

YANBU at all OP. Not at all.

You have your head screwed on for sure. Fact is it makes you feel uncomfortable and upsets you. If he refuses to do anything about this then walk away for your own sanity.

It really is his loss.

My best mates male. Though he has a boyfriend (has had gfs though). So I think YABU. I love our time together, purely as friends. I'd tell my partner to jog on if he told me not to meet him 😂 he wouldn't though.

This isn't a friend, it is someone he is using to triangulate you, OP. And he did it to his previous girlfriend too.

The giveaway is the holiday - as if it hadn't been given away by the increased contact whenever you weren't playing ball.

It's manipulation, and everyone's experiences with their opposite sex friendships is inapplicable unless any of them are using their 'friend' as a manipulation tactic.

everyone's experiences with their opposite sex friendships is inapplicable unless any of them are using their 'friend' as a manipulation tactic
Yes! I cant believe all the commenters saying that if they have a healthy platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex then the OP's boyfriend's relationship with this woman must be benign and the OP must be being unreasonable. Are people really that stupid?

Yes, dump him, OP but for good. You will be the one to keep losing out in this dynamic, not him, so I'd listen to him telling you how unwilling he is hard he will find it to change it.