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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump DP over his female friend.

295 replies

femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:08

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

OP posts:
Pumkinseed · 16/11/2020 10:32

I would not have an issue with having a partner who has a close female friend but that is taking the biscuit. Get rid.

Herja · 16/11/2020 10:32

I would have no problem with a different sexed best friend. I would have EVERY problem with that friend being the 'only person he can truely be himself around', what the fuck are you then? A colleague relationship, or aquaintence, he's a bit on edge with?

In all honesty, any relationship that started with a conversation about his overbearing friendship and how it destroys his relationships, would not be something I'd be getting involved with. And the holiday thing is a hypocritcal piss take.

MrsMarrio · 16/11/2020 10:32

People of the opposite sex can be friends but still something feels slightly off with your situation.

I would never describe a best friend as someone I trust most completely and can confide anything to them. I'd describe DH as this. I'd be hurt if DH said this to me about someone else after 2 years of being together

Also if a partner was uncomfortable with me being friends with a male (and I know absolutely no one could dictate to me who I am friends with) if this partner was 'the one' or someone really special then the friendship would naturally have to take a back seat. Partner comes first no matter what. I find it slightly odd that this friend hovers about when you are going through rough patches. If it was me who was causing the arguments in someone else's relationship I wouldn't be hovering like that, I'd be giving space because I'd feel terrible.

Also i get asked to go out with DH friends male or female all the time, he goes out on his own if I say I can't be bothered. If you're not welcome to go out with them (ok not every single time) I would find it odd. I would feel like I'm not welcome because I'm probably getting moaned about.

And the holiday? Just what the fuck. I'd be furious, that is crossing the line if you wanted to go away for a few nights. What was that bloody muppet thinking!

MandosHatHair · 16/11/2020 10:32

I wouldn't be with a hypocrite. Would you ever feel comfortable enough to confide in someone, knowing that they probably wouldn't bother to share with you in return and instead confide in another woman? All your most intimate secrets and probably the details of your sex life, would be reported back to her.

Male or female, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who had this much intimacy with a friend they had kissed in the past? There is obviously some level of attraction between them.

VettiyaIruken · 16/11/2020 10:32

You are deeply unhappy with an aspect of your relationship. He doesn't want to change it, which of course is his right, but it's not going to work for you so yes, end it.
It doesn't actually matter what the thing is. You're not happy so this isn't the relationship for you.
People get hung up on what is and what is not an acceptable thing to be a deal breaker which imo is daft. If you aren't happy with a relationship for any reason and it can't be addressed by mutual agreement, it's best to walk away. You don't get a medal on your deathbed because you stuck it out in an unhappy relationship.

PopsicleHustler · 16/11/2020 10:35

Who the hell books a holiday for another woman, but not his own wife or in your position long time partner.

Get rid.

I have no male friends nor would I need one whbe my husband is good enough for me as the only man I need in my life

MilerVino · 16/11/2020 10:37

He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out.

Whose word is 'uses', his or yours? It's an odd word to use with respect to friendship. 'She's my confidant' is very different from 'I use her as a confidant'. Otherwise the thing that stands out for me is the fact that she's the only one he can be himself around. I'm relaxed around my friends, that's why they're my friends. But my partner is my best friend and I'm truly relaxed around him. Of course it took a while to get there, but I would expect him to find it odd if I said of another man 'he's the only one I can be myself around'.

Both my partner and I have friends of the opposite sex (we're straight) but I think the difference is we prioritise each other. Whether your partner is right or wrong to have this friendship, clearly it's disruptive for you and personally I'd end the relationship. I just wonder why he's not with her.

GrandUnion · 16/11/2020 10:37

@PopsicleHustler

Who the hell books a holiday for another woman, but not his own wife or in your position long time partner.

Get rid.

I have no male friends nor would I need one whbe my husband is good enough for me as the only man I need in my life

That's such a strange attitude. Do you also have quotas for women in your life? Like you're allowed a mother and a sister, and why would you need more as they're good enough for you? Hmm
Eckhart · 16/11/2020 10:40

@PopsicleHustler

I have no male friends nor would I need one whbe my husband is good enough for me as the only man I need in my life

But you must admit you're unusual in that. Most people don't have a limit for how many people of a particular sex they need in their life.

BrumBoo · 16/11/2020 10:41

@PopsicleHustler

Who the hell books a holiday for another woman, but not his own wife or in your position long time partner.

Get rid.

I have no male friends nor would I need one whbe my husband is good enough for me as the only man I need in my life

On the flipside... what? That is a bloody weird attitude to have. You have literally no other males in your life? What a narrow experience of the world. There's absolutely no issue having friends of the opposite sex in life, as long as there's no taking the piss. The OPs boyfriend is definitely the latter.
roarfeckingroarr · 16/11/2020 10:42

Why are you so controlling about this particular friend?

DrManhattan · 16/11/2020 10:43

He's taking the piss out of you

gingerbiscuits · 16/11/2020 10:44

Cut & run, love - he clearly has no respect for you.

Out of curiosity, why isn't he in a relationship with 'the only person that understands him' ??

Flittingaboutagain · 16/11/2020 10:45

They are not friends they are sharing emotional connections meant for a partner. I believe he is in love with her but knows it will never work or is scared to risk losing her, hence feeling the need to keep her around but also not going for it.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2020 10:45

I'm very relaxed about opposite-sex friends (unlike many people on here). But this isn't 'a friendship', this is him running his 'back up option' alongside his supposed first choice.

He's holding you up to scrutiny by and against her, his default option. He's road-testing other women (you) to see if he can find a better option. Then one day he'll realise it's better to marry your best friend and will marry her.

What are the chances they've already agreed to get together, if they're both still single by X-age? High, I would suggest.

CakeRequired · 16/11/2020 10:48

Bin him. He ran off on holiday with his friend as soon as you were out of the picture. You had been asking to go away for ages and he kept making excuses. Obviously not that bothered if he'll bugger off with anyone, except his partner he is meant to love. Doesn't matter if that friend is male or female. You just don't do shit like that. You prioritise your partner first.

You'll never be number one in that relationship, and guaranteed if you make the mistake of having kids with him, he'll fuck off on holidays with said friend whenever he wants, or go off for dinners with them and leave you at home with the kids all the time.

If that life sounds appealing to you, stick with him. If it doesn't, run. He won't change though.

OhCaptain · 16/11/2020 10:54

The holiday thing would be my deal breaker. He wouldn’t go with you but went and booked one with her? No, that’s beyond a joke.

This is at least two relationships hurt by his friendship and he does nothing to change the dynamic. So he’s not ever going to.

You were mad to get back together in the first place. People break up for a reason and nine times out of ten that reason doesn’t magically fix itself.

Regardless of wether or not people on here think it’s ok, it’s your life not ours. You’re not happy so change the thing making you unhappy. Simple as that.

Walk away. The drama is so unnecessary.

Branleuse · 16/11/2020 10:54

I wouldnt be with a guy who had a close female friend. Theres no way id be comfortable with it. Whether thats right or wrong, I dont care. I dont have time for men that make me feel jealous.
I think id just dump him rather than try and make him give up his friend though. It sounds like unrequited love to me rather than a normal friendship

OhCaptain · 16/11/2020 10:55

My guess is the only reason they’re not together is because she doesn’t want it, tbh.

NewNameForAdvice · 16/11/2020 10:56

This

"Regardless of wether or not people on here think it’s ok, it’s your life not ours. You’re not happy so change the thing making you unhappy. Simple as that.

Walk away. The drama is so unnecessary."

Ignore some of the posters, some are as mad as a box of frogs. What is right for YOU? He wouldn't and didn't go on holiday with you his 'partner' but happy to go along with the friend. Not a great partner then is he.

PrincessNutNut · 16/11/2020 10:57

Why are they not in a relationship with each other?

thevassal · 16/11/2020 11:00

@yourestandingonmyneck

Bin him. This is horrendous. And her posting pics all over social media....she sounds like a trouble maker. If she actually cares about him as a friend, she would be more careful about not breaking up his relationships.

Leave them to it.

really? So this poor woman isn't allowed to post pictures of her own holiday on her own social media just in case her friend's ex-girlfriend sees it and gets jealous? "knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them." Well, yeah, obviously...posting life events is what social media is for! Presumably she wanted to show her friends and family what she was up to, and the fact that OP was one of a few hundred/thousand people following her SM was fairly irrelevant to her! I'm sure if she had blocked OP so she wouldn't have seen the photos, that would have been wrong too and evidence she was "hiding something!" Hmm

And you, OP "this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship."
No. If there were any issues, they were due to him and his ex. Just like the issues in your relationship are due to either you, or him. I can see both sides of your argument but nothing you have said has suggested that this woman has done anything wrong other than have a close friend who is of a different sex than her, and do completely normal friend things with him, like go for food together. You haven't said that she sends him naked photos of her or introduces him as her boyfriend, or insults you behind your back or anything in the least bit inappropriate!

It is not for her to police the healthiness and boundaries of your relationship but glad to see there are, as usual, so many women happy to blame the other woman rather than the male/yourself.

Starfish5 · 16/11/2020 11:00

Get rid for all the reasons described above.

TinyGhost · 16/11/2020 11:02

I don’t have an issue with my DP having female friends, but for me the lying would be a dealbreaker.

JacobReesMogadishu · 16/11/2020 11:06

@PrincessNutNut

Why are they not in a relationship with each other?
I'd hazard a guess he fancies her but she isn't attracted to him romantically.

But it's a good ego boost for her having him running about after her all the time. He won't finish the friendship because deep down he hopes one day she wakes up and realises he's the one and comes running.