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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump DP over his female friend.

295 replies

femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:08

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

OP posts:
PrincessNutNut · 16/11/2020 11:39

@slashlover

My best mate is male, we go away for weekends together (same hobby, his partner isn't interested), we've been mates for over 15 years, he's been with his partner for longer than that.

I'd have binned you at the beginning of the relationship if you'd told me to get rid and tried to dictate my friendships.

And if you had told your new man that this best mate was the only person you could be your true self around, you would holiday with him but not your partner, and you'll meet him for dinner secretly, the new guy would be a complete arsehole for thinking this relationship was a hiding to nothing?
whitewinefriday · 16/11/2020 11:40

I just happen to get on better with blokes

I've met your type before!

slashlover · 16/11/2020 11:42

Just a user.

Or they don't fancy each other or just don't think about each other sexually. They kissed when they were teenagers, OP doesn't say they dated or had a relationship. They could have kissed each other, realised that it was friendship and that was it.

CounsellorTroi · 16/11/2020 11:44

My DH has female friends (former colleagues mostly). He meets them for coffee occasionally, but he would never in a million years go out to dinner alone with them.

calllaaalllaaammma · 16/11/2020 11:48

I feel there just seems an atmosphere of competition created by the friendship which seems out of the ordinary.
If it were an ordinary friendship, then you wouldn't feel threatened or ill at ease and the fact that he runs to her when you have problems and went on holiday with her would be the end of the line for me personally.

Trust your gut.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 16/11/2020 11:49

@whitewinefriday

I just happen to get on better with blokes

I've met your type before!

And I've met your type before too! Interesting, isn't it?
Regularsizedrudy · 16/11/2020 11:50

Dump him

Castieldeansam · 16/11/2020 11:51

You don't trust him, so ditch him.
If his friend had been male, you wouldn't have had an issue.
Let him find someone who doesn't have a problem with it.

OwlOne · 16/11/2020 11:52

He's a dickhead.
It doesnt matter how reasonable he insists he is. You are not happy.

Jenasaurus · 16/11/2020 11:52

I was once in a similar situation as you although it was more than one woman friend. When I first me him, he told me, maybe I had better tell you about my other girlfriend. This was sort of a joke, the lady was someone he knew from church that was 20 years older than him and relied on him for lifts and support, but she had confessed she was in love with him. My reaction was to feel a little sorry for her, I remember when I was with him and she called he would ask me to be quiet as she was very jealous of me.

A little later on there was another friend who he developed mentionitis about. Then he chose to spend his birthday meals with her and not me as I was too fat to eat out (his words). He also took her on holiday but said he couldnt make time for one with me. He said there was nothing in it, but his texts had hearts and kisses to her and her daughter was very suprised when he mentioned he had a girlfried as she assumed he was dating her mum.

I ended things with him after 7 years (far too long) and over a year on he is still trying to get me back and confused why I ended things.

Mine may be slightly different to your situation but when your partner spends more time idolising and prioritising another woman so that your own needs (in your case a holiday etc) get neglected then its time to call it a day.

Taikoo · 16/11/2020 11:52

I would ditch him immediately.
Leave the pair of them to it.

PrincessNutNut · 16/11/2020 11:53

Some people, male and female, like to stir up competition around them, all while maintaining plausible deniability. I think you may have one of those here. He can spin it to himself as you and his ex (and how many other women) just being jealous and competitive. He can have his narrative, horseshit as it is, and you can go with the alternative, which is that he's not emotionally available and has even started this relationship, in what should be best behaviour time, by essentially telling you that nobody measures up to her and being dishonest about his engagements with her.

It's really not supposed to be like this. Cut and run.

ReneeRol · 16/11/2020 11:54

Run like the wind. Its not "jealous and insecure" to have standards, that's a smear gaslighters use. Only a doormat would be with a man who openly dates, prioritises and gives another woman the full boyfriend experience.

Let him find someone who wants to be a squatter in someone else's relationship.

There are so many decent men out there, no reason to touch a creep.

Rangoon · 16/11/2020 11:55

Who cares if some cool people would be okay with him seeing this woman and lying about it. I wouldn't like it. You obviously don't like it. I'd release him back to the wild and find a man who wanted to go on holiday with you and tell you things.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/11/2020 11:57

Applauding thevassal.

There are SO many women on this site who will happily look over shoddy and disrespectful behaviour from 'the man' in the relationship, the one who is actually responsible for doing his bit to keep it running smoothly and happily - in their rush to get to lynching any woman involved.

It's absolutely pathetic and women who do this do a disservice to themselves most of all because, if you have this ridiculous attitude in real life, you just give your male 'partner' all the tools and 'get outs' needed to conduct and excuse disrespectful behaviour to you, with you on the receiving end of it. They have no respect for you.

Oxyiz · 16/11/2020 11:57

Not saying its the case here, but "I just happen to get on with blokes" often pairs with "I'm not like the other girls". You know, "women are bitchy and into fashion and make up, men are so much easier and interesting".

I always feel embarrassed when I see it, because I confidently used to say it myself when I was younger and didn't seem to fit in with other girls. (Turned out I was just autistic, and as I got older and better at communicating, apart from my husband, it's been the female friendships which have sustained me.)

Pyewhacket · 16/11/2020 11:58

I wouldn't dump a good friend because my boyfriend told me to. Sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/11/2020 11:58

... and yes, OP, get rid. You're worth better than him and his disrespect of you.

JMG1234 · 16/11/2020 11:59

I have male friends from work and uni days and we go out to dinner on occasions as a two. They're good friends and I enjoy catching up with their news and a change of perspective from my school mum type friends. My husband has no issue with it at all, equally neither do I when he goes out to dinner with a female colleague. I think it's a shame when a man and a woman can't be friends on a platonic basis without insinuation.

That said, they seem to have a particularly close relationship. I wouldn't really want personal details of our relationship shared with anyone, male or female. In your shoes, I wouldn't have an issue with the occasional dinner or drinks, but I'd suggest their time together should be reduced and less intense so you don't feel there's three of you in your relationship.

Lovemusic33 · 16/11/2020 12:01

At the end of the day...if he had a romantic connection with her they would have got together a long time ago? Why would he be with you if he wanted to be with her?

I dated someone recently who’s best friend is female, he was very open with me about her, asked if I would like to meet her (I didn’t), they have been friends for years, eat out together, go clubbing together etc.. but don’t have a romantic connection. I have to say that if I had stayed with him I probably would have found it a little uncomfortable but then again I have male friends that o think of as really good mates but I wouldn’t want to shag them.

If you can’t deal with the fact his best mate is female then I think you should walk away or it will just drive you nuts.

messy123 · 16/11/2020 12:01

I'm not sure, I have a best male friend who I would go out for dinner with and would go on holiday with and he is just my friend. I see him as like an older brother or uncle. The difference is we have never kissed. That would be the only thing I would not like about your situation.

I'm afraid I would say it is best to end things, as this will keep coming up and being a factor.

GrandUnion · 16/11/2020 12:02

@calllaaalllaaammma

I feel there just seems an atmosphere of competition created by the friendship which seems out of the ordinary. If it were an ordinary friendship, then you wouldn't feel threatened or ill at ease and the fact that he runs to her when you have problems and went on holiday with her would be the end of the line for me personally.

Trust your gut.

But wouldn't you confide in your best friend if your (fairly rocky) relationship was in trouble, or you'd just broken up? Don't you 'run to' your closest friend or friends when you're worried or upset?

I mean, sure, it's possible to look at this triangle of people as the boyfriend is secretly in love with his female best friend and his closeness to her has wrecked the OP's head and caused the relationship to be unstable.

But it's also possible to read it as the OP and her boyfriend have a relatively new and quite rocky relationship, where they've had multiple bad patches and at least one break-up, and because of this, the boyfriend is confiding in his longterm best friend, who innocently booked him a trip away to cheer him up after the break-up? And the OP is also confiding in her own best friend about the relationship?

OhCaptain · 16/11/2020 12:05

Why are people insisting on treating this like OP is jealous of a few dinners/a long-term friendship.

He told her that this woman is who he turns to for emotional support. Relationships are just sex. If you're not getting that support from your partner first and foremost, what's the point? Just have casual sex - but don't dress it up as a relationship.

The fact is that he's lied about how often he's met her. He's prioritised his time with her over OP's feelings, and he's gone on holidays with her having refused to do the same thing with OP.

Anyone responding by saying they have male friends or they're soooo cool with female friends is either too emotionally unintelligent to get what's going on or are being deliberately obtuse.

Ohdear2020 · 16/11/2020 12:06

I don’t think you can expect him to dump his friend, but if you can’t cope with this then yes you should split up.

Personally I think you’re being controlling or you don’t trust him for other reasons. If this person was a bloke would you mind?

My dad’s (female) best friend was told by her husband to sever ties when she got married. I always thought that was awful. My mum (they were married at the time) also thought it wasn’t very nice.

But I think if you worry he’s going to get up go stuff with her you don’t trust him anyway, to be honest

B1rthis · 16/11/2020 12:06

He sounds like he's happy to play you and his friend off against each other. He likes to play the victim. I feel for both you and female friend, you're both being pitted against each other.