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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump DP over his female friend.

295 replies

femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:08

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

OP posts:
EmilySpinach · 16/11/2020 11:11

It is totally irrelevant whether PP think that you are being controlling. You aren't comfortable with the friendship so that's the end of it. He now has to confront the fact that his friendship has been the common denominator now in the demise of two relationships, and decide if he wants to do anything about it.

Dundundunnn · 16/11/2020 11:12

I'd have not thought it was alllll that bad until the holiday thing. Fuck that for a laugh.

Coffeepot72 · 16/11/2020 11:13

I wouldn’t be with a guy who had a close female friend. There’s no way I’d be comfortable with it. Whether that’s right or wrong I don’t care. I don’t have time for men that make me feel jealous.

I suspect 99% of us feel like that. It may be cool to be non-plussed about female friends, but if DH went on holiday with another women I would be phoning my solicitor.

duggeeismynewbestfriend · 16/11/2020 11:13

It's not supposed to be this hard.

Jroseforever · 16/11/2020 11:15

There’s nothing stopping them from getting together

And yet they haven’t

Jroseforever · 16/11/2020 11:15

So I’d ignore that issue
And focus more on fact that your relationship with him sounds fraught with drama and... disinterest

Jroseforever · 16/11/2020 11:17

@Coffeepot72

I wouldn’t be with a guy who had a close female friend. There’s no way I’d be comfortable with it. Whether that’s right or wrong I don’t care. I don’t have time for men that make me feel jealous.

I suspect 99% of us feel like that. It may be cool to be non-plussed about female friends, but if DH went on holiday with another women I would be phoning my solicitor.

Even if he was your ex husband? They weren’t together
ThanksItHasPockets · 16/11/2020 11:18

I expect to be my partner's emotional priority, just as he is mine. He can have all the friends he likes, as can I, but if either of us slipped down in priority then we would have a problem. I don't think that's jealous, or controlling, but a sign that we both have healthy self-esteem and a reasonable expectation that the other will place us first. It doesn't sound like you are confident of this, OP, so the relationship is over.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/11/2020 11:19

Predictably the 'cool' wives/partners are out in force on this thread. It's one thing being laid-back and not of a particularly jealous disposition; quite another to be the kind of enabling doormat who's tantamount to The Patriarchy's wet dream. Those who are claiming this situation is something you should be 'cool' with or risk being cast as jealous, immature or 'controlling' fall firmly into the latter category.

It's fine to have friends of the opposite sex. I've lunched and had coffee with ex-DPs before. So has my DH. Formal dinner is something more intimate, especially if it happens on a regular basis. But holidays with a female friend when he won't go on holiday with you? That's the point at which you wouldn't see me for dust. As for rushing to her and her confidences the minute there's an issue in your relationship, the first time any partner did this to me would be the last. This is a huge, unacceptable betrayal of confidence and would be intolerable in any relationship. It would be bad enough were he doing this with his mother (in which case my response would still be 'stop, or I'm out').

He sounds fixated. And his 'friend' seems to enjoy having him on a string. She has a strong claim on him considering he's already willingly sacrificed one relationship and is clearly seeing a second move in the same direction. Relationships already have enough tests and complications strewn in their way, and that's at the best of times. Who needs added ones like this?

OP - I'm another one on the side of 'stay gone'. Life's too short to be playing silly head games like this.

Newkitchen123 · 16/11/2020 11:19

This relationship makes you unhappy
That's all that matters

rainkeepsfallingdown · 16/11/2020 11:19

I'm sometimes perceived to be that female friend, except I'm not actually a threat, because I'm not a homewrecker and just happen to get on better with blokes. However, even I think the OP's partner has a thing for her - it's probably one-sided, but that doesn't make it any less awful.

GrandUnion · 16/11/2020 11:21

@ThanksItHasPockets

I expect to be my partner's emotional priority, just as he is mine. He can have all the friends he likes, as can I, but if either of us slipped down in priority then we would have a problem. I don't think that's jealous, or controlling, but a sign that we both have healthy self-esteem and a reasonable expectation that the other will place us first. It doesn't sound like you are confident of this, OP, so the relationship is over.
I think that's fair enough in general, but this relationship (I can't see if the OP has told us how long they've been together?) sounds more than averagely rocky they've had several 'bad patches' and have broken up and got back together at least once so it may be, perfectly legitimately, that the OP's boyfriend is confiding in and leaning on his best friend more and not making the OP his emotional priority, because he's not sure this relationship has legs?

I mean, reading about it is exhausting. I can't imagine what it would be like being in something that volatile. I imagine many of us would lean on our closest friends more if we were in a relationship that was quite tempestuous.

Jroseforever · 16/11/2020 11:23

@rainkeepsfallingdown

I'm sometimes perceived to be that female friend, except I'm not actually a threat, because I'm not a homewrecker and just happen to get on better with blokes. However, even I think the OP's partner has a thing for her - it's probably one-sided, but that doesn't make it any less awful.
Happen to get on better with blokes?

I always chuckle when a woman says this. What does that even mean? “Blokes” aren’t one group all sharing the same characteristics, sense of humour, opinions etc.

Hurtandupset2 · 16/11/2020 11:24

If he can only truly be himself when he's with her, why aren't they together?

Is it because she isn't interested in him in that way, but he keeps hoping that will change?

YoniAndGuy · 16/11/2020 11:28

I always chuckle when a woman says this. What does that even mean? “Blokes” aren’t one group all sharing the same characteristics, sense of humour, opinions etc.

it generally means the kind of person who is not good at friendships, for all sorts of reasons, and so hides behind the 'mask' of being slightly 'other' - the woman in among the men, or the man among the women. It provides a useful barrier to real interaction while providing social discourse. It's also a classic way for the insecure to get to be 'special', to be nice about it.

Jroseforever · 16/11/2020 11:29

@YoniAndGuy

So true!!

YoniAndGuy · 16/11/2020 11:29

@Hurtandupset2

If he can only truly be himself when he's with her, why aren't they together?

Is it because she isn't interested in him in that way, but he keeps hoping that will change?

No it's because he likes having her hanging round him dangling. And to have a gf at the same time.

Just a user.

slashlover · 16/11/2020 11:31

My best mate is male, we go away for weekends together (same hobby, his partner isn't interested), we've been mates for over 15 years, he's been with his partner for longer than that.

I'd have binned you at the beginning of the relationship if you'd told me to get rid and tried to dictate my friendships.

BrumBoo · 16/11/2020 11:31

@YoniAndGuy

I always chuckle when a woman says this. What does that even mean? “Blokes” aren’t one group all sharing the same characteristics, sense of humour, opinions etc.

it generally means the kind of person who is not good at friendships, for all sorts of reasons, and so hides behind the 'mask' of being slightly 'other' - the woman in among the men, or the man among the women. It provides a useful barrier to real interaction while providing social discourse. It's also a classic way for the insecure to get to be 'special', to be nice about it.

Yep, the 'Kevin in Motherland' syndrome.
Nomorepies · 16/11/2020 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 16/11/2020 11:33

He's probably secretly in love with her (he'll never admit it) and she doesn't feel the same way. She likes the attention and sees him as a good friend.

At the very least, he's in an emotional relationship with someone else. That leaves you as his bit on the side. He comes to you for sex but if there are any arguments with you, he can just go back to his girlfriend.

I've just come out of a similar situation. I never raised it with the guy in question. I just finished with him.

If you mention not being comfortable with your man being in an emotional relationship with someone else, you're seen as the jealous and insecure girlfriend trying to control him and stop him from having friends. That's not the case at all.

I'm fine with men having female friends but when he's confiding in another woman and seems to prefer spending time with her over me, that's not acceptable. Like someone else said, how can he build an emotional relationship with you when he's already in one with someone else that he's happy in?

Echobelly · 16/11/2020 11:35

DH has female friends and I'm fine with him seeing them, and I have many male friends too, so I'm generally very relaxed about this.

But what your 'D'P is being like with this friend is too close for comfort, even I have to say

Mittens030869 · 16/11/2020 11:35

* I always chuckle when a woman says this. What does that even mean? “Blokes” aren’t one group all sharing the same characteristics, sense of humour, opinions etc.

Exactly, I have friends of both sexes and others that I’m not so close to, also of both sexes.

Anyway, that really isn’t the point of this thread. It’s really about boundaries.

KinseyWinsey · 16/11/2020 11:36

Is she in love with him?

Stringing him along?

Ego boost for him or her? Or both?

Why the weekend away? Seems a bit full on.

I would just bin him to be honest.

He lied about seeing her.

He went away with her when he refused to go away with you.

He doesn't prioritise you at all. Whether the friend is male or female

That is enough now.

Tell him to marry her because she'll be all that's left for him.

Branleuse · 16/11/2020 11:38

if he describes her as the only person that he can be truly himself around, then basically, hes just waiting for her to agree to a relationship. Im not sure how she could be so comfortable having a close friendship with a guy thats so clearly in love with her, and especially knowing that its actually causing issues in his relationships.
Obviously she hasnt promised you anything, so your issue is between you and him, but I wouldnt degrade myself by being his second best.