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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump DP over his female friend.

295 replies

femalefriend · 16/11/2020 09:08

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

OP posts:
OneTC · 17/11/2020 10:15

I don't understand why he keeps getting back with you

ftr my best friend is female and we have a similar relationship with each other to what you described. Over the years she's become as dear to my partner as she is to me. I could never entertain the idea of being with someone who'd not allow that friendship

AryaStarkWolf · 17/11/2020 10:20

Sounds like he just loves having women "fight" over him more than anything else. Dump him

Newfornow · 17/11/2020 10:25

Shit bag knows exactly what he is doing. He is using a technique called the head fuck . Playing innocent, poor meeeeeee. Whilst telling women he meets and has relationships with is that “his best and only friend that truuuully understands me is a female. If you don’t like it, you are controlling and it’s your problem because he can be friends with who he likes. Meanwhile he enjoys watching you squirm. Get yer trainers on... run for the hills.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/11/2020 10:32

@OneTC

I don't understand why he keeps getting back with you

ftr my best friend is female and we have a similar relationship with each other to what you described. Over the years she's become as dear to my partner as she is to me. I could never entertain the idea of being with someone who'd not allow that friendship

I wonder is she encouraged to socialise with them though or is she only his friend and that's it. That's how it sounds to me
Coffeepot72 · 17/11/2020 10:53

The OP's situation is a little like Charles/Di/Camilla .....

MsHedgehog · 17/11/2020 10:59

My husband had the same female friend when we got together. Sounds very similar - close friends, always going away and doing things together, etc.

At first, even though they had history, I was genuinely cool about it as I figured there's a reason they never worked out as a couple. Then, they had booked a holiday together after we had been together for a few months (not unusual, they went away together every year to a F1 race) and turned out they were sharing a room. I struggled with that and DH thought I was over-reacting. I had decided to end our relationship but before he did, he booked a separate room so I decided to keep dating him.

Since that point I felt uncomfortable about their friendship as I felt he prioritised their friendship over our relationship. My gut always told me not to trust her and to doubt DH over how he saw their relationship.

The closer we got the more distanced he became with her. After we we were together for two years she very suddenly quit her very successful job and went travelling for a year. I was convinced it was because she realised there was no more hope between the two of them and she realised there was nothing keeping her in London anymore.

We subsequently became engaged and when she came back from her travels he went up to her home town to meet her (she didn't move back to London). Apparently she got emotional when he told her we're engaged.

A few months later I realised I won't truly relax until I know for sure if anything has ever happened between them. We then had very difficult and painful conversations - turns out they shared a few kisses during that initial holiday (imagine if they shared a room!), and during the first year of our relationship, she kept saying things to stir our relationship (he's under my thumb, etc). As we became closer and more serious he naturally pushed her away, and her year away was indeed her struggling with accepting the two of them have no future. After he told her we're engaged, she drunkenly declared her love for him that night and tried to persuade him to give them a chance.

To be honest, after he revealed everything, I felt relieved that I wasn't crazy. But the point is whilst he had that friendship / relationship with her, he naturally pushed her away as we became more close and committed and he now tells me every single time she messages him (which are always hey, how's it going messages). It would be dodgy if they stayed close despite the two of us being close.

Your DP's behaviour is dodgy. He doesn't need to end his friendship with her, but he can respect that your relationship is a priority and not be so close to her. Your situation feels so similar to mine and what I will say is trust your gut. I had no evidence at all that there was anything going on but my gut always told me they've kissed at some point whilst we were together, that she was into him, and he was enjoying the attention. My gut was completely right. Listen to your gut.

DH was also completely open and honest when I told him I need to know absolutely everything to stop myself being paranoid about her and getting upset everything I see her name pop up somewhere, and he respected that and was open with me. If I felt he was still covering things up, I would struggle to trust him and honestly, may not have married him.

lovepickledlimes · 17/11/2020 11:37

@OneTC it's completely normal to have close friends, sometimes this close friend is one of the opposite gender. Where he crossed the line is not so much what he does with the friend but that he did say this close friend is the only person he can be himself with. That would put most people into a defensive cautious position when it comes to this friend. For many it would be like a permanent dagger over the relationship, especially if the partner always goes to this one and only person that they can be themselves with when there is trouble. Anyone in that relationship would then question what their role was in their partners life as it is clearly not for anything emotional

Walkerbean16 · 17/11/2020 22:07

Just FYI this thread is in the daily mail.

PrincessNutNut · 17/11/2020 22:17

I'm amazed it took so long, maybe they've been doing journalism for the last few days (just kidding). It's perfect for their misogynistic agenda, it's always stuff like this. Don't look at me like that, George, you know it's true.

jacks11 · 17/11/2020 22:48

I don’t think he is wrong to have a female best friend. I think he is entitled to see his friend for dinner or drinks and a chat. It’s what you do with friends. You are wrong to want to isolate him from his best friend. I would not tolerate a partner who decided that I had to get rid of my best friend.

I think that you either trust him when he says this friendship is platonic, or you don’t. As you clearly don’t trust that this is the case, I think there is no mileage in this relationship. Add in that the fact his best friend is a woman is obviously a deal breaker for you suggests to me that you need to accept you are not compatible.

Surely what he does with her (or any other friend) when you are no longer in a relationship has nothing to do with you? I would not tolerate a partner who decided that I had to get rid of my best friend, though- I think it unreasonable to expect that.

lovepickledlimes · 17/11/2020 23:38

@jacks11 I think part of the issue with this friendship is that he said this friend is the only person he can be himself with. I think most people after hearing that will think 'does my partner like the friend more then they like me' etc. Add into the mix that he always goes back to this friend if things are tough and that this friend is female it would be like a permanent dagger above any persons head i.e. 'best be on my best behaviour and never upset him or he might go back to the person he actually likes etc'

Lucidas · 17/11/2020 23:50

How sad, half their Femail section is basically just MumsNet threads.

Heyahun · 18/11/2020 00:02

Hmm my best friend is male - we do loads of stuff together, confide in each other, chat regularly, meet up all the time on our own, go to the pub, gigs etc together ! Husband has no problem with this relationship nor does his wife.

I’ve never lied about who I’m out with though or anything.

He probably kept it from you because of the what you said when he first mentioned her

The holiday happened after you broke up so he did nothing wrong

You chose to get back with him even though you were annoyed about the holiday and his relationship with her though? Why?

You clearly can’t ever be ok with this and he shouldn’t have to stop being friends with someone to be womb you

So you guys are definitely not right for each other. Id call it a day

SandyY2K · 18/11/2020 00:34

If he can't be his true self with you, there no future in the relationship.

Everything else just confirms it, but if my DP pretty much said he can only be himself with someone else.... and to crown it off, that person was female, I would be done with the relationship...it's not worth the stress.

lovepickledlimes · 18/11/2020 02:07

@Heyahun you do have a point there. They are not meant for each other though a doubt any woman would be ok with being told that it's only his best friend he can be himself with so I can't see any of the future relationships he has lasting if every partner is going to be made to feel like a second fiddle in his life

DeeCeeCherry · 18/11/2020 02:34

Surprised you haven't dumped him already. He's creating boring unneccessary drama. How can you even be bothered with him? She must know your every utterance, relationship info because your man is a loose-lipped wimp playing silly games. She's only being how he's encouraged her to be. Both she and you have self-esteem issues. You'd be better off raising your bar and leaving this silly man alone.

BestZebbie · 18/11/2020 08:18

I also think you should probably dump him as he isn't going to get any better about this.
BUT you said he didn't want to holiday with you over fear of Covid - was that in May but he went with her in June? Different Covid risks about then.

Fudgsicles · 18/11/2020 12:57

They are both treating you badly. He is basically in a relationship with her, without the sex. She knows her presence causes issues and clearly won't step away from him. I suspect she likes dangling him on a string.

powershowerforanhour · 21/11/2020 22:54

I love the stock photo they always use on that type of daily mail article "thoughtful pissed off side eye" with the chap and the Other Woman out of focus behind her back.

The article reads like the answers to those really simple Reading Comprehension exercises we used to do in primary school.

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