To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

I am not sure there is reason to be so angry, your reaction seems quite intense, as you did discuss it with your mum, you have had counselling, you have given yourself space. I'm not sure what more you needed really. I'm sorry your loss was so hard for you.

I think the older generation have a more pragmatic attitude to miscarriages. They are a sad but common experience for a lot of women. I've had two myself and I know more people that have had one than haven't. Sorry your mum hasn't reacted in the way you wanted. It sounds like you perhaps need more counselling about this as you still seem stuck in your grief.

I think this is due to miscarriage actually being a very common thing that happens to lots of women, so it’s personal for you but just one of those things for everyone else.

I’m sorry for your loss.

However, you did talk to your mum and she did try and comfort you. Just not in the way you wanted. Maybe if you live in a different country, she didn’t realise how devastated you were.

What is she like generally for support? We’re a ‘stiff upper lip’ type of family, not prone for hugs etc, and once the condolences have been said, would move on.

Also, do you know if she ever suffered a miscarriage. If so, maybe she found it difficult to talk about.

I'd imagine it would be extremely hard for your dad to change the way he's always expressed himself emotionally and then for him to guide you through this. I wouldn't know how to guide you through it as it does seem a very intense grief you're going through.

Would more counselling be an option?

Constance has it in one. It's not a rare occurrence and previous generations accepted it as a part of everyday life.

I've also had a miscarriage and was devastated at the time but I still think your reaction is extreme and you should seek counselling.

I've had multiple miscarriages and ectopics- 7 in total. Family response has largely been disappointing. But it's because having not gone through it themselves they really can't understand what it's like so invariably say the "wrong" things. By the last one I'd rather they didn't say anything at all as it just used to upset me more but I knew deep down it's just because they didn't know what to say for the best.
Unfortunately with you living abroad from each other that also puts more of an emotional distance between you?
What would you have wanted from them?

I think you’re projecting your anger onto your parents. I don’t think they have done anything different to most folks when hearing about a miscarriage, your mother tried to talk to you about it. And tried to comfort you. The feelings you’re having are very very extreme and are about the miscarriage, it is not your parents fault and they have not done wrong.

I agree with the above posts, your reaction does seem quite extreme, and ime, the older generation really are more pragmatic about miscarriage. It used to be such a common thing, something that was experienced by most women and it wasn’t spoken about. I think this is the downside to us finding out about pregnancy so early nowadays.

Try not to be too harsh on your Mum, you don’t know if there is anything in her past that makes miscarriage especially difficult to talk about for her. I hope you get the support you need elsewhere.

Also agree with previous posters - it's a generational thing if anything. In my Mother's Day you weren't considered pregnant until you had missed 2 periods - there was no such thing as early testing and first response tests giving a BFP a whole 6 days before your period is due. So "early" miscarriage, which in a lot of cases before 6 weeks is a chemical pregnancy is just very alien to that age group and they struggle to see why we would be upset about a late period?

My family only really understood very recently - I'm pregnant with twins and have video of the heartbeats at 6 weeks pregnancy - I think this made them understand why to me these were already babies not a missed period/bundle of cells etc

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you feel but from what you've said, you're unreasonable to be this angry with your family.

Could your mum be avoiding the topic and maybe even you as she is confused at your reaction and doesn't know what to say or do? That's not the right reaction of a mum but I can see how time drags on and she doesn't step up. Especially with Covid. Are you sure they are alright? It's been a very tough year for many in many ways. I don't know, maybe there's no excuse but you are very sad and upset and angry, and it's not really their fault from what I can see. They clearly don't understand it.

My sister had a miscarriage and said all the phrases herself. It wasn't meant to be. They could try again etc. For some people, that is an acceptable way to think.

I think this is due to miscarriage actually being a very common thing that happens to lots of women, so it’s personal for you but just one of those things for everyone else
Exactly this. Many women had miscarriages in the past but never talk about it. It's very possible your mum had one or even more.

She probably would have been more sympathetic if the pregnancy had been planned and was your first after months of trying.

As for your dad, it sounds like it is just the way he is. You won't change him so it's better to focus on what makes him a good dad than a bad one.

The distance both physical and emotional, will be a factor, having a relative move overseas myself it does fundamentally change things. She won’t have seen the impact on you first hand.
It’s not right, but I do agree with a previous PP that said older women are more pragmatic about miscarriage as they often didn’t get a pregnancy’confirmed’ until 3 months, so they do have a different view, although that doesn’t help with your grief. I would seek further help from counselling.

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer It literally says in the OP that she’s had counselling. Are you suggesting she needs counselling over the fact she needed counselling over a miscarriage.

OP, ignore posters minimising your pain. AIBU is often a competition over who can give the most sociopathic response. Yes, lots of women have miscarriages and also lots of women are devastated about them and can’t talk about it the way they’d like because people like to shut it down. It sounds like your mum did try to comfort you, she’s just not very good at it. And this has just become something that’s focused your anger about your parents’ lifelong inability to offer you emotional support.

I’m sorry for your loss, I have also lived in another country away from my parents and they made no effort to visit us/ contact me etc. in the years we were away. They didn’t even call/ FaceTime on the first Christmas which was heartbreaking. They even visited a close by country on holiday and refused to see us. I basically realised that I would have to grow up and not rely on them for anything going forward. Which I did. We are now back in the same country and I have an ok relationship with them but I don’t rely on them for anything emotional or physical at all. It has made me a stronger and more resilient person. With regard to miscarriage, it is devastating and I have experienced it a few times, can you access some talking therapy? It sounds like you need some professional help to move past this. Best wishes OP.

Yours is quite an extreme reaction to early miscarriage. Other that expressing sympathy, I don’t really know what you expected your parents to do. Traditionally, anything before 3 months wasn’t spoken about because early miscarriage is so common. I have had a couple myself.

I’m sorry you were so affected by your miscarriage, but their reaction is pretty normal. Perhaps there’s some underlying issue that’s influenced your anger?

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh but you’re expecting too much.

Me, and so many friends have had miscarriages. I know it’s painful for us but it’s so common that, after having counselling and those initial talks with your mum, I think you’re expecting too much of your family. With all due respect, your reaction does seem quite extreme in comparison to all my family friends and acquaintances that have gone through the same. Could further counselling be helpful?

I don't think that I would know what to say at all & that might be even worse?

It seems to have brought home though that you just don't have a good relationship with them?

Were they there for you when you were a child OP? Or is this bringing up past feelings of being let down by them?

I'm a grown up now, my parents are getting old and I don't expect them to be there for me anymore. If anything, I try to protect them from upset and don't tell them about bad things that might make them worry.

But they were there for me so much when I was young and I'm so grateful for that which makes me want to return the support now that they're becoming the more vulnerable party.

Agree that your mum has probably had a miscarriage or maybe even a termination. We forget contraception has not always been as reliable as it is or readily available. She was trying to comfort you and her way just took the form of platitutudes rather than strong emotions.

OP it's a harsh lesson when you learn that what is important to you isnt necessarily important to others , even those you love . I'm not being glib but one day you find out that most human beings are essentially selfish, they cant help it, its just their nature. Sometimes people just dont know what to say in these situations.
I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sure your partner totally gets this and understands where you are coming from, because hes the only other person with exactly the same perspective as you in this horrible situation

It is difficult for others to know what to say in these circumstances. What can anyone say really? It doesn't sound to me as if your mum said anything particularly wrong when you talked about it. She possibly didn't mention it again because of upsetting you.

You sound very angry but I feel the anger at your family is misplaced. Maybe you are still grieving or could do with some more counselling.

I've had an early miscarriage, a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and a molar pregnancy so I do understand. I believe that 1/4 of pregnancies end in miscarriage. You probably know lots of women who've had miscarriages. Miscarriages are awful, but your anger at your parents is a bit extreme.

@Autumnblooms

I think this is due to miscarriage actually being a very common thing that happens to lots of women, so it’s personal for you but just one of those things for everyone else.

I agree especially older generations who have probably had them and just 'moved on'. It was the way people did, put it down to one of those things and then moved on. I had 3 miscarriages and in a way it helped me that it was so common. I also chatted to a nurse that said that if a baby is not viable then the body will expel it - it's nature way. That helped me stop from seeing as a 'baby' since less that 20 weeks. She probably doesn't see it the same way you do and upbringing and change in society to offer counselling etc for miscarriage means she probably doesn't realise it is still affecting you.

She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense
Just picked up on this. Have you considered that she feels being upset months after an early miscarriage of an unplanned baby is nonsense and her issue with your sister was more valid and she is disappointed you were not being supportive then?