To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

As you've indicated yourself, this is not about the miscarriage at all really (I'm not dismissing or minimising your hurt and grief over that, by any means) but their reaction to it has brought up deep seated issues with regards to your family.

Ultimately, people rarely change, you can only change the way you react to them, and how you interact with them. I appreciate that you are having counselling - is this specifically to support you with the miscarriage? I would urge you to consider some psychotherapy, which can help you look in depth at your family relationships, how they affect you, and steps you can take to look after yourself. You sound like a classic "rescuer" who is always there for everyone else, sorting out everyone else's problems, and looking after them. The trouble is, this can eventually lead to resentment and anger, because your needs are being ignored and not being met.

Time to look after yourself, put you and your DC/DP first. Take care

Sorry for your loss. I can see both sides to this. I suffered multiple miscarriages over an 8 year period. Officially 5 but if you include the late periods it would have been well into double figures. Eventually we gave up and got on with our lives only to have a “miracle” baby.
When I look back it was a difficult time. The first miscarriage was truly devastating, I found out at the 12 weeks scan, had a surgical evacuation and then after complicatIons had to have another one 4 days later.
In no way did this remotely compare with losing my mum the year before. This was my benchmark and although I had support I really didn’t think that the early loss of a pregnancy was comparable with losing my mum. Maybe this helped with coping with subsequent losses.
My overwhelming memory when my DS was born was that my mum was not there to share it. I suppose loss is relative depending on experience.
I think you have underlying problems with your relationship with your parents. Stop being the fixer, they expect you to cope because you are the fixer.

I also believe that the manufacturers of early pregnancy tests should put a warning on the package. A previous poster mentioned that advances in testing have not altered the incidence of miscarriage. In the same way that early pregnancy clinics are not there to save your pregnancy but usually to manage your loss.

I believe advances in testing have altered incidence of miscarriage, @Angrymum22. Incidence of miscarriage rises with age, so it'll be hard to separate that out from the fact we're all tending to have babies later. But early testing allows for things like progesterone support and blood thinner injections, and these seem to help some women who lose pregnancies easily.

(And also managing a loss isn't trivial - I mean, I know you weren't saying it was, but I'm glad early pregnancy units exist even if they're not always able to do very much to keep a pregnancy going.)

Looking at this from the other side, for a minute. I'm probably close to your mother's age and have never had a miscarriage nor spent a lot of time taking to other women about their miscarriages either. I have one friend who was quite upset about her miscarriage and another who took it all in her stride. So I wouldn't really be much use except as a listening ear.

But then your parents are just people, like you are me and some people never did learn to be good at listening.

OP, you are being somewhat unrealistic regarding your expectations of your parents. As a grown adult with a family of your own, their job is done.

I’m in my mid-fifties and I’d be quite worried about your mental health if you were my daughter after making such a big deal of a single miscarriage event, especially as you haven’t gone through years of infertility treatment or several pregnancy disappointments. It sounds like the miscarriage isn’t the real issue here.

Is the counselling you’re receiving helping you to come to terms with your loss or is it encouraging you to focus on your feelings of disappointment that your parents aren’t living their lives solely to support you and your siblings until the day they die?

They’ve done their job in raising you and now you need to build yourself up and just get on with it.

@Fairyliz

Can I suggest it may be different communication styles? My DD in her 20’s moved 120 miles from the family home. My view was that she was young free and single so would be out there having a wonderful time (pre Covid-19) and wouldn’t want to be bothered by her boring old mum. So I generally left it up to her to initiate contact when she had the time. However last year it came out that she felt I didn’t care because I rarely phoned her.

We’ve sorted it now, but could it be something like this?

That happened to me, exactly.

As a young adult I was desperate to leave home, moved 100 miles away, and my contact with my parents was minimal and brief. I loved being independent. So when my daughter moved away I expected her to feel the same and didn't want to interfere in her life. It was years before she eventually told me that she was hurt and had wanted to see me more. I was devastated that I'd made that assumption and unwittingly hurt her and damaged our relationship. I'm still undoing the damage in some ways.

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps I did go through years of infertility, I was just fortunate not to lose a pregnancy until this one. Careful what you assume please!

I am the fixer in my family and I do resent them for not being there for me when I needed them. My husband and my sister were great, they really were there for me. They helped me massively. My parents lack of support meant I had to finally face up to their general lack of interest in me and that's what I'm working through now in counselling. And not what awful parents they are - but the time I spend doubting myself, that inherent niggle that tells me there is something wrong with me. wondering why my parents have so little love or care to offer me. My parents raised me but love and affection were thin on the ground. I think they did their best, I know my dads parents were very tough people but maybe I am just a very sensitive soul and I haven't really dealt with it. I still feel like a little kid wondering if my dad is proud of me and loves me - I know how pathetic that sounds but it's how I feel. Aw man this stuff hurts

That sounds really tough. Do you think the infertility is part of what made this hit you so hard? I think it would me.

It's really hard when you can get away from the hurt of the way your parents treated you. It does trap you in a child-like relationship to them. And I think because people say 'you're being childish' as a judgement, it can feel as if it's doubly your fault. It really isn't. It just is extremely hard to put that hurt to one side and accept that your parents maybe didn't do the best job.

As a parent of adult children, it can be like walking a tightrope, and worse, if you have several children you quickly realise that they are all different with different needs and ways of looking at things.

It can be a bit of a headache trying to be all things to all men! And we are only human, so we can get it wrong!

OP, when a child moves away (especially to another country) you step back and let them fly, often for your own sanity, you cannot spend days worrying will they be ok, how are they coping etc.

With regard to miscarriages, sadly, they are very, very common, and once discussed there often seems little point in going over the same ground and picking at the scab so to speak. I think that what one woman wants is different to what another woman wants. Maybe your mum wouldn't have wanted to re hash the sadness if it had been her in that situation and so acted that way towards you?

I think you have to accept that you felt unsupported, but that probably wasn't through malice or lack of care it was through not knowing how to act or looking at the situation very differently to how you did.

Clearly, she got it wrong, but you have to move on and look to your partner for the emotional support that you appear to still need. That is his job now.

Consider it a blessing in disguise if they're not helpful and supportive towards you you don't owe them anything, if they've got a problem and come to you for support brush it off and trivialise it!

I do resent them for not being there for me when I needed them. My husband and my sister were great, they really were there for me. They helped me massively. My parents lack of support

Thye probably have no clue what support you could be looking for. You had your partner, your sister and her husband, presumably friends, and a counsellor, all for an early m/c when you weren't even trying to get pregnant.
I'm not being mean, I'm literally bemused by what more "support" you could need, and quite possibly so are they.

I am really sorry for your loss op

Your parents do sound a bit useless, but speaking as someone who moved abroad, geographic distance does make a huge difference to the quality of your relationships, because you don't have the natural unfurling of conversation in real time, all conversations are squeezed in to a time limited visit , and visits themselves can be a bit rushed and pressured, a bit artificially jolly , and a bit frustrating because it takes time to get back to the same level of intimacy as before. Also, I get all the family jealousies about who stays where and who gets what portion of your time while you are in UK. It's not easy.

But people forget on here that parents are just people, with a variety of flaws. The roles of mothers and fathers are portrayed as bordering on saintly or diabolical in film or TV. Usually they are neither, just ordinary people with stresses and frailties of their own. . My parents were great at the practical stuff and absolutely hopeless at giving emotional support and were raised in a different era so didn't have great role models themselves. Most people do what they can for their DC but are inadequate in various ways.

And this may be a bit extreme but the way I look at it, if we had our nappy changed, were fed through the night, then fed X3 a day, were clean and dressed with a roof over our heads, we were educated, were taken out occasionally and celebrated Christmas and birthdays, then even if parents have "only" managed those things, they have done rather a lot for us over eighteen years.

Also, if your dad is that absorbed in his work, your mother may have issues of her own and very little resources of empathy to offer to you if she is unhappy herself. Maybe it would be helpful to ask her, adult to adult, with no expectation of getting anything for yourself out of the conversation? You may be surprised what she says.

Sorry for what you have been through. The loss of a baby hurts at any stage. I lost my daughter a few hours after she was born (full term), had a MMC at 11 weeks, a MC at 7ish and many periods that followed a few days after a positive test. I know that I would probably wouldn't have been aware of all but my daughter and the MMC if it were years ago. My Mum kept begging me not to test so soon, so I can understand the different mindset. Unfortunately as sympathetic as people can be it is a very private grief and I think even my very loving husband, who felt the pain of those losses, would struggle to remember when they happened. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve, but please try not to overthink other people's reactions. I honestly don't think it's a reflection of how much they care.

Generally though when an adult and in a strong relationship the majority of the support comes from a partner.

I do think you need to examine how much this impacted you and why. You had fantastic support from your husband, your sister, you have also had counselling for over a year for it, and are angry that your parents weren’t also as supportive as you’d have wished, because you needed them too.

All in though it seems you had enormous support, but that support wasn’t enough, and over a year later you still need it. And now this is turning into a lack of love from your parents because they didn’t react in the way you needed them to. Even though they themselves may have had no idea you needed such a huge and ongoing level of support.

I’m reticent to see any damage done here, for what could be a communication and understanding issue. But your absolute and utter resentment of them is beyond clear, so maybe that damage is already done.

@Venicelover

As a parent of adult children, it can be like walking a tightrope, and worse, if you have several children you quickly realise that they are all different with different needs and ways of looking at things.

It can be a bit of a headache trying to be all things to all men! And we are only human, so we can get it wrong!

OP, when a child moves away (especially to another country) you step back and let them fly, often for your own sanity, you cannot spend days worrying will they be ok, how are they coping etc.

With regard to miscarriages, sadly, they are very, very common, and once discussed there often seems little point in going over the same ground and picking at the scab so to speak. I think that what one woman wants is different to what another woman wants. Maybe your mum wouldn't have wanted to re hash the sadness if it had been her in that situation and so acted that way towards you?

I think you have to accept that you felt unsupported, but that probably wasn't through malice or lack of care it was through not knowing how to act or looking at the situation very differently to how you did.

Clearly, she got it wrong, but you have to move on and look to your partner for the emotional support that you appear to still need. That is his job now.

Exactly this. It's impossible for parents to be all things to all their children. When yours are young adults you'll see that. You seem to be needing more from them than they can offer. While what they offer (non-interference in your life) would be exactly what other MNers crave from their parents.

Thye probably have no clue what support you could be looking for. You had your partner, your sister and her husband, presumably friends, and a counsellor, all for an early m/c when you weren't even trying to get pregnant.
I'm not being mean, I'm literally bemused by what more "support" you could need, and quite possibly so are they.

Also that.

I honestly think you need to stop digging so deeply into this. You're dwelling and dwelling and dwelling on your feelings instead of looking outwards. I know it's hard during covid, but instead of focusing so deeply on this, you should consider finding distractions and building your other relationships.

Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. however, as others have said, the older generation can see miscarriage differently. In many cases, it can still be a taboo, and difficult to talk about.

My MIL had a miscarriage and when she talked about it with her GP, he prescribed her Valium and she was addicted for the following 20 years. You just didn't talk about these things back then.

I think that we need to reassess how much support we can expect from our parents as we get older.
They may be out of touch with our needs and not react as we would like or understand.

I'm so sorry OP, it's obvious that you are hurting over your parents' indifference to you. Have you ever tried talking to them? Have you talked to the sister you are close to about it? If so what are her thoughts? Maybe your parents wouldn't change, but maybe if they knew how you feel, they might surprise you. Maybe they just aren't aware and need to be told.

they probably have no clue what support you could be looking for. You had your partner, your sister and your husband, presumably friends, and a counsellor, all for an early m/c when you weren't even trying to get pregnant.I'm not being mean, I'm literally bemused by what more "support" you could need, and quite possibly so are they.

Yes, this is articulated well. I think a lot of women,myself included are trying to say this gently.

It is an enormous, all encompassing and lengthy amount of support that was and still is required, and although I’m sure not unprecedented it is certainly not something to be assumed.

Many women of child bearing age on here who have went through it are struggling to comprehend just how long term devastating this was for you and just how much support you needed and how much more you needed, so I think it’s potentially understandable that your parents didn’t grasp the sheer enormity ans support requirements needed either.

@calllaaalllaaammma

I think that we need to reassess how much support we can expect from our parents as we get older. They may be out of touch with our needs and not react as we would like or understand.

I think this is very true. I’m sorry for your loss, OP, and I can see how much you are hurt by your mum’s response, but I think you were probably expecting too much, given the history of little support. I also think that once you are more ‘settled’ in life, it’s time to stop relying on your parents for their support so much (especially if they have never been very good at it), and be aware that in the future they will not be able to help, and will probably need your support instead.

I also agree that when you move abroad, the relationship just can’t be as close as it was. My sister moved abroad several years ago, and despite technology letting us stay in touch, there is just no way we can be as close as we were. As a PP said, visits are rushed and can be awkward, and it’s just not the same. Perhaps this was part of your mum’s response.

I’ve also noticed that as my PIL have got older, they have got more anxious/ obsessive over relatively minor things - I can see the air bed issue being a big thing for them! My parents were similar. I think it just happens as you age and your world gets smaller. So to your mum, the air bed was a big deal and was happening then, rather than something (the miscarriage) that was in the past.

MC is a horrible thing for anyone to ever have to go through but reality is as lonely as it is the pain is entirely your and your partners to carry and it cant be 'given away' or 'passed on to' others.

It's impossible for someone to grieve for something they never knew existed and wern't even a part of and I really dont think its fair to dump it out of the blue onto these other people and then get mad at them for handling it differently since its not their feelings/situation to handle in the first place.

If they are saying upsetting things (often ignorantly not purposfully) then DON'T talk to them but you cant be mad that they dont know how to handle this, it doesnt come with a manual and whats right for one person isnt for another.

I have been though decades of infertility, IVF and loss and been a long standing member of many support groups and even I struggled to find words when my best friend lost her pregnancy dispite my awareness of what NOT to say I still couldnt find word to sum up what shes feeling or sympathise because those words dont exist. (As they say a woman who burried her husband is a 'widow', a child who burried their parents is an 'Orphan' but they never invented a word strong enough to discribe a woman who buried her child).

There are many wonderful support groups online of other women also looking to reach out, these are much better places to seek acknowledgement of your situation than to try and discuss it with people who dont want to talk about it and arent going through it.

@spoons123

I don't think it's helpful to tell someone that because miscarriages are so common, they need to accept it and move on. It's like saying that because people die every day, someone shouldn't get so upset when they lose someone they love!

Whatever your reasons, OP, the loss of your baby has affected you deeply and you don't need to apologise for that. Maybe it's brought up all kinds of things about your family and upbringing that need to be expressed.

Maybe you would benefit from more counselling as others have said here or you might find a support group where you can talk to people who've had similar experiences.

Hope you feel better soon.

I don't think it's helpful to tell someone that because miscarriages are so common, they need to accept it and move on. It's like saying that because people die every day, someone shouldn't get so upset when they lose someone they love!

That’s right, but if you’ve been presented with a 65 year old losing say their mother or an 18 year old loosing their mother, one of the scenarios would probably gain more understanding/sympathy for a longer period.

Early miscarriage is awful for the couple and people will be sad for their loss, but sadly it is very common. So it is relevant with regards to gaining perspective.

Thanks all. It has been helpful to get all the responses and I'm just processing it all now. Hopefully another step to helping be past this once and for all!