To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

@spaghetttibetty345 maybe this is the saddest part of all - just to listen. To listen, hear how I feel and give me a hug. If I had of had that, it would have meant the world. Instead, my mum spent the week sulking because I was staying at my sisters and when our brother came to visit he would have to sleep on an air mattress instead of at my sisters which apparently was the most important matter of the week. But that's another story.

Sorry for your loss, op

It is quite a difficult balance sometimes, bring a parent to adult children.

Too caring - overbearing.
Too laid back - uncaring

Your children are still fairly young assume? If they're hurt you smother them with love and kindness, you feel their pain and want it to instantly disappear.

As they get older this changes. They have other people in their lives to turn to - partners, siblings, friends, colleagues. Parents begin to take a back seat in their lives. This has to happen, they won't always be there to lean on.

It's not fair to expect your parents to do everything right and make everything better once you are an adult. Especially once you're in a relationship and have a family of your own.

@Pasithea

I was talking to my DM about this a while ago. In her time your periods where late or you had a really heavy period. No mentions of miscarriage. It was no great deal and happened all the time to most women. I’m in my 50’s and even when I was young it was a missed period no big deal it happened.

Problem is nowadays you can test for a pregnancy so early and therefore set your heart on it.

Although, being able to find out early can be useful because it helps doctors to identify patterns of what makes you miscarry. Otherwise you could just keep having 'heavy periods' and never know why you weren't getting pregnant. So, though it seems cruel, there is a good reason to test.

I got similar from my mum but I'm not angry I just think they don't know what to say or feel the same pain you do, it was also more taboo back then so it's weird for them to discuss it. Speak to friends and your partner who will understand more. My mum actually said something like "there was obviously something wrong with it so it's best it happened" erm yeah, "it" died so there was def something wrong with it ffs- no shit!! But yeah, they're just a bit shortsighted

@Pasithea

I was talking to my DM about this a while ago. In her time your periods where late or you had a really heavy period. No mentions of miscarriage. It was no great deal and happened all the time to most women. I’m in my 50’s and even when I was young it was a missed period no big deal it happened.

Problem is nowadays you can test for a pregnancy so early and therefore set your heart on it.

I think there is an element of truth in this, I’m fifty one, in my day you tested after your first missed period, often at least two to three weeks later, possibly longer, and you were not to tell anyone until the 12 weeks were passed, due to the risk, many pregnancies were missed, because it was seen as just a late or heavy period.

But times have changed now, and you know very early on, because pregnancy tests are so much more sensitive now, giving you much more time to hope and dream. The risk is the same, but the emotional fallout is and can be devastating.

@BrumBoo those are the tough questions that I'm facing up to now. I don't expect them to change in truth so I know I need to change what I expect of them. Which hurts like hell. Maybe things can improve though; if I'm more realistic in my expectations then I won't be so disappointed and hurt? And maybe they'll pleasantly surprise me?

I love them very much, they're my mum and dad and I know logically they are how they are. This must be what it feels like to finally grow up.

[quote Lemonydrizzle]@BrumBoo those are the tough questions that I'm facing up to now. I don't expect them to change in truth so I know I need to change what I expect of them. Which hurts like hell. Maybe things can improve though; if I'm more realistic in my expectations then I won't be so disappointed and hurt? And maybe they'll pleasantly surprise me?

I love them very much, they're my mum and dad and I know logically they are how they are. This must be what it feels like to finally grow up.[/quote]
I think that may be the best way forward here. It's obvious there's love for your parents, I'd im sure they love you. That doesn't mean that there's going to be an easy emotional relationship though and if you accept limitations then you can shield from disappointment. Do you have emotional support elsewhere in life?

I love them very much, they're my mum and dad and I know logically they are how they are. This must be what it feels like to finally grow up

Yes, you’ve got to see your parents as people, with flaws and all.

However as said, this might not be them being deliberately cruel or selfish, it could simply be a lack of understanding. Years ago, you’d not know, you could easily get to seven weeks say and just think you were having a heavy period, the mindset was it was not real until you’d passed the twelve weeks, you were not to tell or get your hopes up, due to the high risk.

If you couple your parents generation and their understanding with this being an unplanned third baby, there is a high chance they simply didn’t understand your devastation.

I’d not be so quick to demonise them over it, but take time with your counselled to try to understand what they may have been seeing and thinking which impacted on their reaction.

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage

However, I find it very interesting that in both of your posts there is no mention of your partner/husband. Has he been supportive? How is he dealing with your feelings and your anger?

The focus on your parents suggests to me there's an 'adult/child' thing going here (have a look at Transactional Analysis). I'm no psychiatrist (clearly!) but I wonder if this anger represents some kind of mourning for you as a child? You turn to your parents for support, instinctively, as this is what we do as children - and your mum is supposed to be able to 'make it better'. Except in this instance, obviously she can't.

I thought it was interesting that you dismissed her feelings/behaviour after a row with your sister as childish, when some might say that your own response and emotions are quite childish.

Please don't take that badly - it really isn't meant as an insult, but more of a way to describe the relationship between you (the child) and your parents (the adults). But the need for you, now, is to respond to what's happened to you as an adult, not a child. And I think this is what you're railing against. It's kind of an 'it's not fair'/'stamping of your feet' reaction.

I'm very glad that you've sought counselling, and I hope that your therapist can help you to find your way through this grief and anger.

I don't get why you're mad at them, at all. Miscarriage is incredibly common, especially very early ones like yours. It's not something that needs to be talked about by the wider family.

You do come off as childish and unrealistic.

Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it

I don't think it is the miscarriage, or your mother's lack of support. What you are talking about is a general lack of interest, and a total absence of commitment from them to show you any support, love or effort most/all of the time. The miscarriage just how little you feature in their lives.

As the one that has been 'left behind' so to speak, it must be annoying to have pay huge sums to travel and see them, not to mention the time. It is not great if they are making little/no effort with you.

I sugges you stop doing 'all of the running' and start levelling up the playing field. They are enjoying and focused on their lives, leave them to it op. Focus on your life and dc, and let them know that the next time they see you and the gc it will be here in the UK as you have a special holiday booked next year for you and the dc.

I think this is due to miscarriage actually being a very common thing that happens to lots of women, so it’s personal for you but just one of those things for everyone else

About 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I know it's a huge deal for you, but do you know how many miscarriages your Mum has had? Because it's probably been more than one, and she is comforting you in the most practical way she knows how. The distance is of course making this much harder.

As for your Dad, you can't change him now. That's the way he is - with everyone.

When I had a very early miscarriage between my two babies, my Dad literally maintained that I wasn't REALLY pregnant anyway. FFS. Cheers Dad. Thanks for the support.

In the gentlest way possible, which is hard in an anonymous forum, it seems like this is only partly about the miscarriage and partly about your general relationship with your parents, and this might be something worth exploring with a therapist so that you can let go and manage your expectations better.

Also I’d add, being a “grown up” is also understanding the other persons position, and coming to a rational reaction. Not a prolonged emotional reaction. What caused them to react that way, what was their understanding, what did you expect from them, how did you communicate that etc,

As a pp said, you’ve cast yourself as your families saviour. The lynch pin to resolve all their issues and provide support. Does your family see it like this? Do they see you as the strong saviour who doesn’t need support or do they not perceive you to be in this elevated position and would be confused by how you view yourself?

And as a pp said, how has your partner reacted? You have not talked about his feelings on the pregnancy and miscarriage, How he has supported you, or even if you are now trying for another baby, or there is something significant here unsaid and this represented to you your last chance at another baby, which has defined your grief?

You don’t need to answer these questions but it may be worth discussing with your counsellor if you have not done so already.

@GoJoe2020

I don't get why you're mad at them, at all. Miscarriage is incredibly common, especially very early ones like yours. It's not something that needs to be talked about by the wider family.

You do come off as childish and unrealistic.

What a kind, empathetic person you are . I bet your children love opening up to you about their issues.

With the money on saved flights to visit them I would be taking my children to Disneyland instead. It is time to focus on your children, not on them. They are fine doing their thing. Your children won't get their childhood back, so whilst you are wasting time chasing after indifferent parents, your children are losing out.

Readdress the balance, the expectation and you will feel marvellous I promise you. Your self esteem is being battered this way. You rushing to them cap in hand for emotional support and love, nope, find a good set of friends and focus on YOUR family. Your own little family.

[Your post is another great example of selfish baby boomers burning through generations of inheritance - but thats a whole new thread!]

What a kind, empathetic person you are hmm. I bet your children love opening up to you about their issues

I am, and they do. Thanks

I think this is probably a bit 'straw on camels back'. It sounds like they are generally quite distant and not that supportive. Sadly some parents are like this (DH's family can be a bit like this), and I can understand your frustration.

However your reaction about your miscarriage is a tad extreme. Sadly early stage miscarriages are very common and the older generation do tend to have a more pragmatic 'oh dear it happens' approach to these things, and often didn't safely consider themselves to be pregnant until they had missed at least 3 periods. Now in the days of early response pregnancy tests people consider themselves pregnant sometimes even before they are due a period. There are definite advantages to knowing you are pregnant early on, but it does often leave open the potential for more heartache when we have early stage losses. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you are blaming your Mum for having a different generational perspective on your miscarriage, which I think is slightly unfair. She wasn't being unsupportive exactly, she just didn't say the things you wanted her to say.

I never know why a common response when someone is grieving is to bat it away. It's dismissive. 'There'll be a next time'....what use is that when you're sad over the loss you've just had?! You're not asking whether they think you could conceive again. I hear you.

I suppose you could say something like Mum, Dad, I am saddened by the lack of contact especially as you know I have had a tough time.

Seems like tbh, they have their life.

Families are so awful sometimes.

Can I suggest it may be different communication styles?
My DD in her 20’s moved 120 miles from the family home. My view was that she was young free and single so would be out there having a wonderful time (pre Covid-19) and wouldn’t want to be bothered by her boring old mum. So I generally left it up to her to initiate contact when she had the time.
However last year it came out that she felt I didn’t care because I rarely phoned her.

We’ve sorted it now, but could it be something like this?

@GoJoe2020

What a kind, empathetic person you are hmm. I bet your children love opening up to you about their issues

I am, and they do. Thanks

Evidently you are not an empathetic person.

I can imagine you're a very healthy, balanced family though, as they tell you something that has affected them deeply and you reply 'urgh, its not just happened to you, grow up'.

I'd be surprised if the stats are as low as one in 4. I know very few women who have not experienced miscarriage.

I'm probably OP's DM's generation and pregnancy wasn't seen as a pregnancy until 3 months - no cheap kits, it was a GP appointment, a urine sample and results in 7 days.

I miscarried twice at 13 weeks and despite an overnight hospital stay, was back at work the day after. One nurse said "Just think of all the fun you'll have trying again". My heart was broken. 3rd miscarriage was at 7 weeks and I was a lot more pragmatic.

So it's good there is far more awareness and sympathy but I think "devastated and angry" at the response of others is an over-reaction.

I am so sorry about your loss. I think this runs deeper than the support or lack of that you received when you had miscarriage.
In her way your mum did try and comfort you, maybe she didnt say everything you needed to hear but she is human, she isn't a counsellor and sometimes people can say misjudged things but still care. It can also be a generational thing.
My mum was never fantastic at emotional support but I know she loves me.
Maybe you feel your parents arent supportive or loving in other ways too. The distance probably doesnt help. Its always mums that get the harder time, dads seem to be let off more easily.
Perhaps talk it through with your counsellor , they may be able to offer more perspective than mumsnet and give you suggestions about going forward with your relationship. Also
venting to friends can help!

Really sorry for your loss. I think people just don't really know what to say, especially the older generation.

The stats are around 1 in 4 or 1 in 3, but as you say, that is because gathering statistical evidence isn't easy when lots of people don't test, or don't realise they've miscarried.

It isn't the case, though, that everyone in previous generations thought a pregnancy only 'counted' after three months. It's a strange one - if you look at the history, people have always pretty much always reacted to increasingly accurate pregnancy tests by retrospectively redefining what older generations understood by pregnancy. So you get writers in the generation of the OP's mother claiming that, in previous generations, a pregnancy wasn't thought to be a pregnancy until the baby 'quickened' in the fourth/fifth month, and no one was ever upset by an earlier miscarriage in those days.

The problem is, women always do seem to have had very different experiences of miscarriage. Some people don't experience anything more than the pain you'd associate with a heavy period, and for others it's really substantially more painful. Sometimes it's obvious from the bleeding that there's something more there than a period; sometimes not. And hormones are different for different people. The OP feeling so upset might be to do with that rather than anything else - she might have had her hormones out of balance in a way that's made her feel really vulnerable.

I think it's fair to say that the OP's mum may view early pregnancy differently. But it would also be fair for the OP to expect her mum to show a bit of empathy and recognise that people do often feel sad about early miscarriages.

I don't think it'd be wrong for the OP maybe to try to talk to her mum again, and mention that she really has felt it as a loss.