To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

A pp raises a good point, this is over a year ago op, it’s a very long time to be holding onto anger like this. I think seeking further counselling will help. The miscarriage has obviously caused a lot of things to come out emotionally, and it does feel you’re projecting onto your parents, many people would not understand the sheer severity of your reaction in this situation. But you’re not just angry at your parents, you’re angry at not be8ng able to travel, basically just angry.

If you seek further counselling you can possibly try to unpick this further and understand how to move forward, what you need to resolve to help you heal. Living with anger like this is really harmful for you, and if you’re still feeling it a year later then getting help would be beneficial I think,

I think you’re being way over the top.

I had an early miscarriage 2 years ago, we were trying for a baby. I told my mum and she expressed sympathy as your mum did and it’s never been mentioned since. I grieved briefly but, it was a early miscarriage, it’s not the end of the world. I’m certainly not carrying it emotionally over a year later.

I think your relationship with your parents in general is the issue here.....not how they dealt with your early miscarriage.
You have a choice whether to address your relationship with them or not or turn to other people for support eg your husband or friends who are geographically (and possibly emotionally) closer.
Early miscarriages are of course sad but maybe a year on you need to look at some counselling to help you deal with this.

I could understand it if you had no children and were trying and had a miscarriage, but I don't understand feeling this intense and needy over an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage. Miscarriages are so common, more common than successful pregnancies, so it's like, meh, to me if it wasn't planned. Almost every woman has a miscarriage, it's no big deal unless you were trying. That may seem harsh, sorry, but, you weren't trying and you already have 2 children, some women can't even have that.

I feel more for you with how absent from your lives your parents are. It's heartbreaking when parents show such indifference. Have you and your siblings tried to talk to your parents about how their behaviour affects you?

She didn't listen to what I had to say;

What was it that you wanted to say specifically ? maybe some of us that are of the slightly older generation can help you-

I'm very sorry for your loss OP in the kindest possible way I think your reaction is a bit extreme but I'm guessing it's due to an ongoing pattern with your parents that you don't feel supported by them? The miscarriage possibly brought that up to the surface for you I'm guessing?

I know everyone grieves differently but I'm currently going through a miscarriage in similar circumstances- I already have two DCs this wasn't planned etc but I was happy about it - I was sad the day the miscarriage started but it's definitely not consumed me with grief. I think it's just one of those things.

YANBU to be angry as we would all love our parents to support us when we're struggling, but I think you need to accept that they're not able to give you the levels of emotional support you need and it would be better to seek that from other sources, your DH, close friends etc.

A miscarriage that happened only shortly after you found out you were pregnant, seems to have affected you disproportionately compared to the very many people who suffer the same. I'm not saying for a moment that you are wrong to feel this way, but needing counselling after something one in three women go through is unusual. I'm really sorry that it affected you do badly.

While your mum might not have said what you wanted to hear, her attempts to comfort you are pretty standard for those who aren't good at this sort of thing. She didn't she anything hideously tactless and she clearly felt for you.

But once that conversation was had, few people would expect to be having repeated conversations about it. In fact they'd probably think that bringing the subject up with you again would be tactless.

The fact that she and your sister had a row during the stay is entirely unconnected. You seem to think that everyone should have been treading on eggshells around you and that somehow they were being selfish to have their own issues going on.

The fact that you're still dwelling on this whole thing after a year signals that you probably need more counselling. I hope you feel better soon.

Another one who has had several but also two lovely DCs. Everyone deals with these in their own ways and it is difficult even for those of us who have had several to know how to respond to others. In my experience a midwife who wanted to express a lot of sympathy during DC 2 pregnancy when she saw my notes irritated the hell out of me as she assumed I’d gone through huge grief - what a terrible time I’d had, 3 miscarriages etc. All the time my DC 1 was in the room who I felt immensely grateful for and in no way would I say I ever grieved. I just wanted them over quickly so I could start trying again - I know this is not how many others would respond but it’s how I instinctively responded. Afterwards I could see that she would have been right for someone who had grieved. I think it is so hard for others to get it right, even your own DM. I know my way of dealing with it would not have helped others - it didn’t help someone I knew well who had 2DC and had not been planning a third. I hope you get some good support. It sounds like this won’t come from your parents but I hope you do find it. I know my friend found support groups that I think she found out about from the miscarriage unit at hospital very helpful.

I had 2 miscarriages last year. My mum tried to be supportive. She would bring it up quite a lot, but put her foot in it every single time. She isn't a malicious person, and I'm sure she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but she said a few things that were really painful and it made me incredibly angry and upset. I did come to realise I was projecting a lot of my upset over losing the babies into her rather than actually facing and dealing with that however. Once I came to see what was happening, my relationship with her improved significantly. I had barely cried over my second loss but found myself constantly raging at my mum. Then it all sort of clicked. She did say some silly things though.

Pregnancy loss is shit. It's a shit little invitation-only club none of us want to be part of. No one outside of that club will ever understand - that's what I've come to see. They might want to help, but they just can't.

I am really sorry you are struggling so much.

But I don't understand your anger. You said your mum tried to comfort you etc.

Miscarriages are very normal (me and all my friends had at least one) and I think in part it is also a generational thing where previous generations took a more pragmatics view.

I don't think the issue is your mum's reaction. It seems you have not processed it fully and are deflecting your emotions onto your mum. Looks like you need more help but I really think your anger towards your family is very much misplaced.

The amount of contact with your dad is minimal, less than once a year, so I'm not surprised you feel he ignores you and you are hurt by this.

Your mum did acknowledge and attempt to comfort you, admittedly you didn't find it comforting, but she did talk about it and she was there for you in a way your dad wasn't- although you feel she focused on your sister.

Our parents aren't perfect, but it seems to me judging your mum and dad the same is a bit unfair to your mum who actually did attempt some acknowledgement compared with your dad who sent one text in a year.

They do sound a bit crap though, and I know lots of people who feel hurt that their parents haven't been this year and this isn't entirely rational as with covid this has been the way for pretty much everyone- but it's hard not to feel abandoned. It strains relationships, even usually good ones, when people can't come together as they normally do.

There isn't a right or wrong here, you feel as you, I don't think you are unreasonable to feel a bit let down, but this has been a rubbish year for that and I think your anger at them is tangled up with your distress at the mc.

I'm going completely against the grain. The attitude towards miscarriage is not born out of the fact it's 'common', but out of the fact it's 'women's problems' and should not be talked about. Yes, it may happen to many women but that doesn't mean it's a non-event, like catching a cold. More to the point, you weren't telling some random person in the street, you were telling your mum. The usual crap of 'oh these things happen' and 'it will be fine next time' feels like an extra sting. If I had a daughter and she told me she'd had a miscarriage, I'd know exactly what not to say, as the sweeping under the carpet approach is the worst and most uncaring way to deal it (speaking from my own experience).

@Lemonydrizzle, it seems that this is just the issue that broke the camels back rather than just the fact your parents brushed it away. You're not unreasonable to realise your parents might be keeping you at arms length, at least emotionally. Question is, do you expect them to change? Are you willing to confront them about their seeming lack of interest in your wellbeing? Can you accept they may never change? Take care of yourself, I am very sorry for your loss .

Thanks everyone for your perspectives, it is appreciated.

A few posters hit it on the head; I think she has brought home to me challenges in my relationship with my family I've not really dealt with. JI am there for them in every crisis. When there is a death, an unexpected pregnancy, an illness whatever it is I fly over, I'm on the phone, I'm the one keeping the relationship alive and going, I'm there to comfort and console them, encourage and aupport. I feel so hurt because this was devastating for me - even if it's common like death or cancer or a break up - it broke my heart. And I told them I needed them for once... and I didn't get the love that I needed, that I give to them every time and it cuts deep to know it's not there in return.

I am still in counselling. I just want to move past this anger and I am really struggling to. I don't want to feel this way but I do and it's exhausting.

YANBU for the way you feel or being unhappy for your families reaction / lack of support. A lot of the comments from family sound very dismissive and minimising. Your Mum sounds quite distracted and immature, is she always like this? People who have never had a miscarriage or fertility are often very blasé about it, as they are lucky enough never to have experienced it. We have fertility issues and the lack of thought, tact and empathy has been impressive from a lot of people. I have mentally noted all of this down for the future, when they want support as it won’t be forthcoming from me

A friend had a miscarriage about ten days ago. She was quite early on, it was her first pregnancy, she was understandably upset and frightened. I supported her through it as best I could. We had chats. She cried and laughed. I sent her chocolates and an electric hot water bottle thingy as she was having cramps and I wanted to try and make her feel a bit better.

10 days on, there’s not really much to say. I messaged this morning to ask how she is and she said she’s fine, then we had a general chat about our weekends. Obviously, there’ll be times she’ll want to talk about it, and that’s fine, but I don’t see how much more of a conversation there is to have at this stage, let alone over a year later.

I think just reading this and the wide ranging comments, though some feel cruel, is helping me separate out that the anger I have and upset now isn't about the miscarriage - I really have made me peace with this miscarriage itself - it's the relationship with my mum and dad, and painful realisation that it's not what I want it to be or thought it was. I just feel hurt and I guess in our relationship, a bit used as the dumping ground for their issues but I can't rely on them in return.

I know things were different when they grew up and I know they have had stresses and pressure through their lives. I suppose ultimately I want more from them than they give me and I'm raging against that a bit. Maybe it's just one of those things that takes time? I've tried really hard to think of them as people in their own right, not just mum and dad, and think of all that they've had happen in their lives. At the end of it all I still feel like someone whose parents don't truly give all that much of a shit when the chips are down.

So this is a pattern of behaviour for them, not being there for you?

Perhaps it would help you if you distanced yourself a bit, not be there for every crisis, especially the minor ones. They're big boys and girls, they can deal with their own crises. Then you could put yourself first a bit more, and perhaps the relationships will be on more equal terms.

OP, I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time at the moment. I think you've expressed the situation very well in your last update. It sounds like your anger and grief are not so much about the miscarriage now, but about your parents' lack of empathy for you. You are grieving the relationship you had hoped for with your parents, and deserved to have. A different kind of grief, but a powerful one.

I get it OP. It's hard, I struggled as well. I had a problem with recurrent miscarriage and was in a bad place for a long time.

I agree with PPs though re the older generation dealing with these things differently.

I'm very close to my Grandma. She was very matter of fact about it when it was happening to me. She certainly didn't intend to be unsupportive, but she just thought about these things differently to me.

I remember being very upset when she suggested that I call it quits trying because I couldn't spend my life wallowing and it just didn't happen for everyone. Very 'it is what it is, now move on' kind of thing. It's just how she would have dealt with it back when, but it did sting so I get it.

Is there anyone else who is more supportive you could learn on when needed? How is your sister? (Sorry haven't RTFT so ignore me if repeated).

Op, is it possible they didn’t understand the sheer scale of your devastation? That they didn’t understand your needs and expectations here?

An early miscarriage on an unplanned third baby, as hard as it is, does not normally cause the extremity of reaction that you have felt as others have posted. For some, yes, of course it does, but for many others not. Your mother herself may have gone through it and your father fully aware.

Do you think it’s possible they simply didn’t understand the enormity of the grief you felt over it, and so didn’t understand what your expectations and needs were from them?

So it’s more a lack of understanding rather than a deliberate snub?

I think you still have a lot to unpick to be honest and hopefully the counselling can help you get there.

One part of your story resonates with me: anger. I went through a highly stressful period in my life and afterwards, along with other symptoms, I had huge anger. Mostly a bit irrational or OTT. I was already having counselling but EMDR really helped me move on and get control of a lot of damaging thought cycles.

You point out that you are the family saviour. Unfortunately for you that’s now how the family responds to you. Have you not discussed this with your therapist? You can obviously only change yourself so trying to talk to them is useless as you have found out.

Remember the definition of madness is said to be repeating something and expecting a different result. They won’t change so you must.

Anyway do consider the EMDR.

YANBU to be struggling following a miscarriage, but your anger with your DM appears extreme. Although I can see from your subsequent post that there’s a backstory to this of her and your DF never being there for you.

My DM wasn’t at all helpful when I was going through infertility, saying to me from very early on, ‘You can always adopt.’ (We did in the end, but not because she suggested it, obviously.)

The way to handle it is to manage your expectations, I think. Just don’t expect your DM to change, people rarely do sadly.

In what way would you have wanted your parents to be there for you?

@BrumBoo

I'm going completely against the grain. The attitude towards miscarriage is not born out of the fact it's 'common', but out of the fact it's 'women's problems' and should not be talked about. Yes, it may happen to many women but that doesn't mean it's a non-event, like catching a cold. More to the point, you weren't telling some random person in the street, you were telling your mum. The usual crap of 'oh these things happen' and 'it will be fine next time' feels like an extra sting. If I had a daughter and she told me she'd had a miscarriage, I'd know exactly what not to say, as the sweeping under the carpet approach is the worst and most uncaring way to deal it (speaking from my own experience).

@Lemonydrizzle, it seems that this is just the issue that broke the camels back rather than just the fact your parents brushed it away. You're not unreasonable to realise your parents might be keeping you at arms length, at least emotionally. Question is, do you expect them to change? Are you willing to confront them about their seeming lack of interest in your wellbeing? Can you accept they may never change? Take care of yourself, I am very sorry for your loss .

This. Lovely post BrumBoo.

I was talking to my DM about this a while ago. In her time your periods where late or you had a really heavy period. No mentions of miscarriage. It was no great deal and happened all the time to most women. I’m in my 50’s and even when I was young it was a missed period no big deal it happened.

Problem is nowadays you can test for a pregnancy so early and therefore set your heart on it.