To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

You may not understand but it doesn’t make it nonsense

I do understand, but you don't. IT's not generational, and lots of older people knew well before 12 weeks that they were pregnant, and would have been very upset when they then weren't. And lots of younger people don't understand the epic grief of having a "miscarriage" 2 days after a positive test.

BTW, missed abortion was never the term at all ,that doesn't mean what you think it means. Spontaneous abortion was the term, and still is.

MC was handled differently in the past, there wasnt much sympathy from other but of course mothers still felt it it was just burried.

We have a memorial garden to MC children at the hospital, it has been there about 25 years but every year new back dated plaques are added dating back to the 60s.

Parents who lost pregnancies back then are still carrying that pain and at the annual memorial many OAPs come to remember their loss and have been for decades even though their losses where half a centuary ago.

losing a baby (yes even 'early' pregnancy) hurts as much now as it did 50 years ago for many people and for others it doesnt effect them at all.

Its all personal I have met women in the last few years having later stage losses that just shug and say they'll try again like the lost on a fruit machine vs. others like me who tried for years and where told to give up only to lose our child before 12 weeks which is earth shattering.

By the way, since someone mentioned as someone who had cancer my miscarraige was MUCH harder and came with much more complex depression.

Its a very privilaged thing of the fertile to say you where only 6 weeks, its not a baby, its common get over it, you wouldnt have even know
(which is rubbish).

I found out at 6 weeks, my baby died at 8 weeks just days after seeing a heartbeat and I was 11 weeks at my medically induced hospital stay where I birthed and held him (he may not have been fully developed but had eyes, arms, legs, ears, fingers) and thats an 'early loss' before '12 weeks' its not remotely just a 'late period'.

If OP wasnt trying its unlikely she was POAS super early so she likely could be any time between 4 weeks and 12 weeks so not fair to pass this off as a 'chemical' (although even feeling with those losses are totally valid) or say its a normal period where she wouldnt even know without a test.

OP may have displaced her feeling incorrectly but her feeling about the loss are completely valid and fair and this thread is starting to take a really nasty turn to degrade legitimate feelings on pregnancy loss.

I’m sorry for your loss, I think you need to get some perspective. It is not if it was your first pregnancy, you were in your forties and it was realistically your last chance to ever have a child.

You do sound angry! Is there more to this story ? Your mother said what I would have said and I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks!

I think gojoe has expressed it clumsily, and of course explaining the mindset thirty years or more ago is not nonsense. It is attempting to explain to the op why her parents may not comprehend why she was so upset.

But as gojoe explains, many younger people, in fact the majority of folks on here are also struggling to understand the prolonged and extreme reaction the op has had and the enormous ongoing support she’s needed

This was an unplanned third pregnancy, which she knew she was pregnant foe a couple of days before miscarrying and doesn’t particularly want a third child now or before. A year later she’s still in counselling over it. So peoole are trying to also comprehend what’s causing this. As said, it’s likely not unprecedented but is not common to react like this for so long, and to require this level of support for it.

And as gojoe says, that’s something most folks, irrelevant of age don’t really understand.

What did you want in terms of support? Miscarriages are a very sad reality for lots of women.
A family member had a 2nd late miscarriage this year, they’re heartbroken and face not being able to have children again due to complications etc.
I told them I can only imagine the horror that it’s been that I was so sorry and send them a small gift in the post to try and cheer them up / distract them. I mean what else could I do?

I don’t think texting her or calling her asking if she is ok will realistically make her feel any better about it.

I think about them often and I do check in and ask if they’ve had any results from tests etc being conducted but honestly there’s not a lot I can do to change the situation or make them feel better.

It is shit and it must be very painful for them.

In the kindest possible way I feel this is the fact you’ve got unresolved grief from your experience and your projecting this hurt and anger onto your parents. Try not to push them away and perhaps go back into therapy for an outlet.

I had a miscarriage earlier this year. I decided not to tell family as we weren’t actually trying. I obviously told DP. I’m still sad sometimes, but DP hasn’t mentioned it for a long while. I suspect he’s sad too. But more talking won’t change that.

The older perspective is given as an explanation as to why OP’s mother (perhaps) didn’t have as much empathy as the OP wanted. In our day a miscarriage was something that happened after 12 weeks or so, anything earlier than 10 weeks was referred to as a missed abortion, which is a dreadful term but was considered a non viable pregnancy

Really not true. A missed abortion was and is a pregnancy where the foetus has died but has not yet passed. And 30 years ago, a miscarriage was a miscarriage whenever it happened; though in practice we tended not to know we were pregnant till we were around 6 weeks, so we may not be aware of it. I remember it only too clearly having had a missed abortion dealt with by a D&C at 12 weeks and a miscarriage at 10.

I'm the one my mum falls apart to all the time
In your mother's mind you are there to support her and she does not have to provide support to you, you are there to serve her needs, you are always beholden to her but never vice-versa.
When is happens to me I respond by switching off and not providing further sympathy, otherwise I am just a dustbin for their pain
I am surprised and yet not surprised at those who are trying to justify your mother's response, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt when in my eyes there is no doubt I think they are under some kind of spell about the cult of motherhood

@AlternativePerspective

I think there’s a lot to be said for the older generation’s attitude, and I think that early pregnancy testing does a lot more harm than good.

The older generation didn’t find out they were pregnant until some weeks in and after a test from the doctor, before that was just a late period, and although if they then started bleeding it might have been a miscarriage, it wasn’t a baby, they didn’t know there was a baby and even if they suspected it could be, it might equally not have been.

Now we have the ability to find out before AF is even due if we’re pregnant, and if your period arrives right on time it is seen as a miscarriage and a devastating loss. When actually, that is nature.

And while for some it is upsetting, there is almost a societal expectation now that people should be devastated over an early miscarriage and should enter into some kind of grieving process, should see it almost along the same lines as the loss of a child.

But it isn’t. It’s nature and it happens to most people at some point.

And in truth everyone’s feelings are their feelings, but pragmatically, an early miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy was just one of those things which wasn’t meant to be.

I would sympathise with someone over having had a miscarriage, but beyond that there is very little you can say really, in fact I think that to an extent making more of a big deal of it just makes things harder for that person to bear, and puts an expectation on the person to continue to be devastated.

I have to agree with this. Particularly the early miscarriage. It’s like greaving the loss of the possible potential. The ‘what could have been’, but in fact, it never was.

I can understand if someone doesn’t have children, as that could be the only time they get pregnant and with that loss, is the loss of hope they could ever have a baby.

Might it have been that she felt uncomfortable discussing it & was worried about how upset she might become?

I think it depends on each individual and how they think. I miscarried and whilst I was devastated I knew ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ and I never had an issue with the phrase. Everyone is different and I think these days you have to be extraordinarily aware of what is said and how it’s said in case you aren’t being sensitive enough to everyone’s needs. I’m sorry that you felt that your parents weren’t supportive.

It has been absolutely fascinating reading the responses and seeing how much people infer or bring to the situation from their own experience or perspective in terms of assumptions. I hadn't really thought about this before when reading AIBUs but I can really see it now. Thanks for all the feedback - I think it's a peace out from me now! Xxx

I think you're being over dramatic and too demanding of other peoples understanding. Some people, including family, are just not as invested in your life as you expect them to be. I'm sorry you lost the pregnancy, but you can't expect everyone to have the level of intensity as you have.

@Lemonydrizzle Might you be projecting your anger at your miscarriage onto your parents without realising it.

I had 2 miscarriages. I didn't even tell my parents about the 2nd until months later. My mum said so many terrible things - just everything you don't want to hear - just stupid, stupid, remarks. I was very angry with her for a long time, to the point where we stopped going there as much. Now, with the passage of time, that anger has gone.

I don't think it ever was about her, not really. Yes, she said some really silly things, but nothing she could say would have been right. I think it's one of those situations where unless you've been through it yourself, you will never understand. Never. It's this really shit, invitation-only club no one wants to join. But it does enable you to empathise with other parents who have been through the same thing in a way that is impossible for other people.

I would recommend pulling back a bit, and concentrating on your own family. And acknowledge that anger is completely normal and justified. It is shit, it isn't fair, and I'm sorry it happened to you.

I honestly don't know what you expected dm to do? She listened to you. She tried to calm you down, telling you that these things happen. It wouldn't have helped if she'd said oh that's terrible, you must feel awful etc etc. Nothing can bring it back OP.

ZOMBIE

This is from November last year. Hopefully OP is a lot further on working through these issues now.