To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

It's sad that your parents are generally a bit more emotionally caring of you. It's not hard to send a text or video call you once in a while, your dad in particular sounds pretty useless. Everyone wants to feel cared for. People can be disappointing sometimes, it hurts doesn't it xxx

@mam0918 has expressed it very well.

Despite nursing my late husband through his terminal illness, and experiencing the grief of widowhood, I find myself every bit as useless and inarticulate as I ever was, when talking to someone who's experiencing those same things now. It's really difficult.

OP you seem to actually be more fortunate than most in your position. You have masses of good support, but you're focusing on where you didn't have it instead of appreciating those who could provide it. I'll avoid saying 'count your blessings' but I would suggest that you attempt to focus on the positive. You seem to have disappeared down a massive deep rabbit hole of self-examination and resentment. It's time to surface.

*not generally

It doesn't matter how anyone else deals with miscarriage, or what the attitude was towards it was in the olden days, or how common it is.
Your feelings are completely valid, OP. Completely. It's your pain. It wouldn't have been hard to just acknowledge it and listen. That's all you needed and I'm sorry you missed out on that.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. People can have really varied reactions to miscarriages and your feelings are just as valid as someone who was able to move on quickly.

"My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc2

Try to see it from her POV.. Your mother was far away; not able to hug you and let you cry. All she could do was talk, and the intention of what she said , was trying to comfort and reassure you.

She got it wrong, but it wasn't deliberate or malicious. She MEANT WELL.  Anyone who's had a loss or bereavement will tell you, other people never know what to say;  and  they  often get it wrong.  Just give them credit for a good intention that misfired.   

 The  disappointment and anger you're feeling, is  really about your lost child, broken dreams,  a pregnancy that went wrong.   It's entirely understandable . But  please, don't  misdirect those feelings onto anyone else, especially those who love you. 

  You parents have certainly  experienced loss and bereavement  in their own lives.  Instead of accusing them of failing to understand yours, and failing to listen to you,   try asking them  about their own bereavements , let them talk,  and listen to them.  You may find that  leads to a better understanding for all.

Your parents sound like people who expect you to be unconditionally loyal to them, they can dismiss and trivialise your problems and concerns but they expect you to be there for them because they are the highest ranking most important people
Personally I dislike that kind of authoritarian mindset, I would distance myself because they will only ever take and give nothing back, they consider their job to be done because you reached the age of 18 with all your limbs still attached and now you owe it to them to keep paying them back for that forever

My parents don't really give me any emotional support, either. Not when I had a miscarriage, not when my DH was mentally unwell, not when I had a mental breakdown, not when my DS was being assessed for ASD. They just don't mention any of those things like they don't exist. It hurt me a lot for a long time (and still does sometimes). But I had to accept it was the way they were and they weren't going to change. So it is completely understandable for you to be upset - let yourself feel it - but then try to let it go - not because it is ok but just because you can't change it. I'm so sorry your baby died. Take good care of yoyrself.

I'm not sure how old Op's mum is-apologies if it has been said & I've missed it, but uncaring/unemotional people come in all generations/ages!

And we're talking about a mother & daughter here!

I'd be devastated for my daughter.

Hell, I'd probably cry at a stranger's funeral.

It seems as though Op's brother having to sleep on the floor was more important.

Maybe it was deflection as she didn't know what to say/didn't want to discuss it.

That I can empathise with as that would be me.

But doubtless we'd have a hug & a cry together.

Sorry for your loss OP.

This is what stood out to me I'm the one keeping the relationship alive and going.

I’m in the same position. I had this realisation over lockdown that if I didn’t do the travelling, I wouldn’t see my family. If I didn’t organise activities, the cousins wouldn’t play together. If I didn’t arrange diaries and message everyone repeatedly for dates, it wouldn’t happen.

So I decided to take a massive step back. Sadly that means I don’t see much of any of them anymore but surprisingly, I feel free from them. I didn’t realise how much of my energy they were taking from me. It is upsetting when you realise a relationship is mainly one way and one side takes all the time and you are left giving but sometimes the realisation is a blessing in disguise. It takes away the anger and the resentment when you expect nothing from them. It’s sad but true.

*So this is a pattern of behaviour for them, not being there for you?
Perhaps it would help you if you distanced yourself a bit, not be there for every crisis, especially the minor ones.

OP already distanced herself from them; by living in a different country.

    From her parents POV,   they probably never showed just how much  that separation hurt . They grit their teeth. Her Dad  kept a stiff upper lip; and now he's criticised and resented   for not showing his true  feelings to his children.  Her mother  is blamed for  not being there for OP.

@Constance1

I think the older generation have a more pragmatic attitude to miscarriages. They are a sad but common experience for a lot of women. I've had two myself and I know more people that have had one than haven't. Sorry your mum hasn't reacted in the way you wanted. It sounds like you perhaps need more counselling about this as you still seem stuck in your grief.

Depending on your mother's age it's possible that she is of the generation who didn't get a pregnancy confirmed until 8-19 weeks and if anything happened in that time frame it was just one of those things. The ability to find out if one's pregnant after a few days means more would be having a miscarriage rather than a late period. Don't be too hard on her you seem to have had a lot of support, not everyone of older generation feels the need to talk about things all the time.

8-12 weeks, not 8-19 weeks!

@diddl, I'm also wondering what age the OP's mother is.

Some of the posts on this thread make it sound as if she must be about 90, which seems unlikely.

Home pregnancy testing existed in the 80s and was beginning to get common in the 1990s, and I believe you could do it from 7-8 weeks. There must be plenty of women who are currently of childbearing age, whose mothers used home pregnancy tests in the 90s and found out they were pregnant/were miscarrying long before the 12 week mark.

It's terrifying to realise (at least for anyone like me who is still trying to pretend the 90s were yesterday), but you could perfectly respectably have given birth in the year 2000 and have grandchildren by now.

"Home pregnancy testing existed in the 80s and was beginning to get common in the 1990s"

Yup!

When I was pregnant in 1996 & went to the GP they seemed to find it most odd that I hadn't just nipped to the chemist & bought a test!

Wow, some people think the 90s was like the 1890s. Everyone did a home pregnancy test then, clear blue was from the day of your missed period. I remember people taking them in sixth form.

@ContraIndicated

Wow, some people think the 90s was like the 1890s. Everyone did a home pregnancy test then, clear blue was from the day of your missed period. I remember people taking them in sixth form.

Clear blue was not reliable in the nineties on the first missed day of your period, it was far too early, and at that stage you are likely four or five weeks pregnant already, depending on the length of your cycle and when you count from. Usually first day of last period.

Now you can find out with a first response test before you even miss a period.

Other than school girls, most women tested a couple of weeks after a missed period, because it was likely you wouldn’t get a correct result before then, the tests were not sensitive enough.

@ContraIndicated

Wow, some people think the 90s was like the 1890s. Everyone did a home pregnancy test then, clear blue was from the day of your missed period. I remember people taking them in sixth form.

Has OP said how old her mam is?

while yes is is possible that OP is under 30 and was born in the late 90s or early 00s, the fact that she seem to have a stable life with 2 pervious children already and has relocated to another country wouldnt indicate to me she is 16 and having this happened in 6 form so its fair that her mother may have easily lived in a time when home pregnancies tests werent common.

I am 31 and my mother was a teen in the very late 80s when she had me and pregnancy test where a fairly new thing, confusing and quite expensive then and nothing like what we have now (required actual chemistry to do with colour changing liquids lol).

My DH is only 5 years older than me and his parents DIDNT have home pregnancy test because they werent a common thing so we arent talking victorian era people here.

The 80s where a time before early accurate pee on stick pregnancy tests, before mass disposable nappies, before the internet and forums like this, before text messaging and a whole bunch of shit people struggle to imagine life without now that really didnt exist not that long ago.

Pregnancy tests still require actual chemistry, @mam0918.

I know what you're getting at, but ... you know, the reason I asked how old the OP's mum is, and pointed out that the 1990s is not so very different from today in terms of availability of tests, is because people are writing posts as if the OP's mum couldn't possibly be expected to sympathise with a miscarriage before 12 weeks, on the grounds that 'in the old days' no one believed they were definitely pregnant until 12 weeks. This isn't the case.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@diddl, I'm also wondering what age the OP's mother is.

Some of the posts on this thread make it sound as if she must be about 90, which seems unlikely.

Home pregnancy testing existed in the 80s and was beginning to get common in the 1990s, and I believe you could do it from 7-8 weeks. There must be plenty of women who are currently of childbearing age, whose mothers used home pregnancy tests in the 90s and found out they were pregnant/were miscarrying long before the 12 week mark.

It's terrifying to realise (at least for anyone like me who is still trying to pretend the 90s were yesterday), but you could perfectly respectably have given birth in the year 2000 and have grandchildren by now.[/quote]
My pregnancies were in the late 90s to early 2000sz. Rare to get a decent test result before 6-7 weeks for my first miscarriage and full term and my Mum was so surprised I told her before 12 weeks.

As my midwife warned me when I went to arrange a booking in appointment the up to 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarry, and most that do happen early, mine really didn’t distress me that much. I kind of held back investing much in the concept of Being Pregnant until we got past the worst of it.

Good job really, as it happened twice.

With such sensitive tests in the last 10 years, people get swept up in it all earlier, and I’m not sure that’s so good for mental health.

@SarahAndQuack

Pregnancy tests still require actual chemistry, *@mam0918*.

I know what you're getting at, but ... you know, the reason I asked how old the OP's mum is, and pointed out that the 1990s is not so very different from today in terms of availability of tests, is because people are writing posts as if the OP's mum couldn't possibly be expected to sympathise with a miscarriage before 12 weeks, on the grounds that 'in the old days' no one believed they were definitely pregnant until 12 weeks. This isn't the case.

well there chestry in everything but you very obviously know what I meant, there no measuring, mixing and beakers involved in modern pregnancy tests lol

YY, I just meant the technology hasn't really changed that much. There was an article a while back that people were talking about on here, saying how even the fancy 'digital' ones that come up with 'yes' or '6-7 weeks' or whatever, are still doing the same basic chemical test. I thought that was pretty cool.

OP already distanced herself from them; by living in a different country.
From her parents POV, they probably never showed just how much that separation hurt
Should she remain tied to her mothers apron strings all her life?

I think you need to explain to them how hurt you were but then you need to drop it.

Older generations tended to deal with these things very differently. They certainly didn't talk about it openly. For all you know your Mum could have suffered one and not want to talk about the topic?

People deal with the grief differently. I've had one and I literally never talk about it. I don't want to. That's my right.

You sound like you're taking your grief out on them, OP.

I think you are being unrealistic and are expecting the impossible from your mother. Honestly, what could she have said or done to make you feel better? I don't think another person can heal you in a situation like this, you have to heal yourself,

I couldn't have children and it was pre IVF days. No matter how many times a person expressed their sadness for me, it didn't change how I felt inside. In time I came to terms with it in my own way and I am no longer devastated as I was when I was a younger woman.

You have two children, and I think you should count your blessings. That does not mean your sadness should not exist. Of course it should and does but time will heal and life goes on.