To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

I don't think it's helpful to tell someone that because miscarriages are so common, they need to accept it and move on. It's like saying that because people die every day, someone shouldn't get so upset when they lose someone they love!

Whatever your reasons, OP, the loss of your baby has affected you deeply and you don't need to apologise for that. Maybe it's brought up all kinds of things about your family and upbringing that need to be expressed.

Maybe you would benefit from more counselling as others have said here or you might find a support group where you can talk to people who've had similar experiences.

Hope you feel better soon.

I'm very sorry for your loss but I think more counselling would be beneficial.
You did talk to your mum about it, she did comfort you in her own way which unfortunately for you wasn't the way you wanted it to be. I think a miscarriage is a very personal experience and everyone deals with it differently, you can't always expect everyone to know what to do and say.

@Thehop

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh but you’re expecting too much.

Me, and so many friends have had miscarriages. I know it’s painful for us but it’s so common that, after having counselling and those initial talks with your mum, I think you’re expecting too much of your family. With all due respect, your reaction does seem quite extreme in comparison to all my family friends and acquaintances that have gone through the same. Could further counselling be helpful?

This is a better reply than mine @Lemonydrizzle - I didn't mean to be so matter of fact but it did help me that I realised that it was so common. Obviously it doesn't help everyone and maybe more counselling or a visit to the doctor to see how you can be helped to come to terms with it

OP I’m really sorry for your loss. You’ve had a terrible time but I think perhaps you are projecting too much anger and hurt at your parents for what has happened.

It’s been almost a year and maybe they dont know what else they can say, maybe they have stresses in their own lives and are finding it difficult to continually take your pain on too, maybe this baby wasn’t as real to them as it was to you, maybe they just want to talk about the weather for a change. A relationship between parents and an adult child has to meet in middle ground. Maybe they can’t be who you want them to be and unless you want to be angry and resentful forever that is something you’ll need to learn to accept because you can’t usually change someone else’s behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

I think your parents have perhaps become a target you can focus your grief and feelings of unfairness on to. A miscarriage is a devastating thing but as there is no one to blame, you can end up feeling like there’s nowhere to vent your feelings. It might be that your parents have become the place for you to vent.

It does sound like they could have done a better job of supporting you, but it’s not at all uncommon for people to accidentally say the wrong thing even when they mean well. I suspect that’s what’s happened here - your mum went about offering you comfort in the wrong way, but she was trying to offer you comfort. You can feel disappointed by that, but I would try to let go of the anger and hurt. Sometimes people try their best and still don’t get it right.

It sounds like you’ve done really good work looking after yourself and healing from this. I hope you’re able to make peace with it and move on soon

Years ago you didn't tell anyone until after 12 weeks. Up to 6 or 8 weeks we didn't call them miscarriages but a late period. My parents didn't know I'd had 2 'late periods' - this is how things were years ago. You are understandably very upset but it is about the loss and shouldn't be aimed at your parents. You've just realised that you're unhappy about your dad's lack of contact - can you do something about this? Are you not close to him emotionally? Please let go of your anger towards them as it is unwarranted and not helping you come to terms.

It sounds like there's deeper issues there with your parents and this has either brought them into focus and/or you're channeling your upset about the mc onto them. Their reaction wasn't great but as many PPs have said, not everyone will share your level of emotion about an early mc and won't know what to say beyond the basics. Which isn't to minimise as your own upset is absolutely valid, but you have no control over others' feelings nor any real insight into what's going on with them. You say your Dad has always been like this, so he's not likely to become supportive over something like this, and perhaps the physical distance exacerbated things as it puts so much pressure on the rare visits. Was it you who moved to another country or them? I guess that'll have an effect on who does the running, and if you moved maybe you wanted distance in some ways? It's really hard though and I'm sorry for your loss. I would look to more counselling for you and expect less from them.

I wonder if their reactions here and in line with how they always treated you/your requests for emotional support, and it's all coming out now because you can view it through an adult lens.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage OP, and others' reactions to it. I think you're being perfectly reasonable - you needed them, they weren't there.

*are in line

I think it's a generational thing too.
You feel how you feel and that's very valid but miscarriages don't affect everyone in the same way.
I have had two and an ectopic and I was very matter of fact about it but that was the way I dealt with it I'm not saying it's the right way of course not just explaining that not everyone reacts the same way.
I'm sorry for our loss.

OP I'm sorry for your loss. I am not going to vote because you are in a very tough situation but your reaction is quite extreme.

I have been there too - when I had my first mc I found DM pretty useless, she basically patted me on the back for a week then said "time to get over it now". I didn't even tell her about the next one. She had also had mcs but as PPs have said, it was just very common in the past and people did just move on very quickly.

Then I had a relative on the other side who was so devastated by her mc that she has celebrated its theoretical birthday for 30 years. Which is not how I feel, 10 years on, despite being devastated at the time. Point is that people feel these things very differently and it can make it harder to relate. I do remember being very upset at the time by people saying the wrong thing ("you can just have another", etc), or by ignoring it completely (looking at you MIL).

Which doesn't make it any easier for you I know, but sadly people do not always know the right things to say.

She had also had mcs but as PPs have said, it was just very common in the past and people did just move on very quickly.

Miscarriages are still very common now! Nothing realistically has changed in that respect.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. You’re very sad, and your parents aren’t helping. A friend of mine once said to me when she was going through a difficult time “I’ll talk to my mum. She always makes things better”. That has stuck with me. I think that is what we need when things get bad, and that means listening, sympathising, being interested, and understanding mood. But I think that’s rare. The silly thing is, even when we really know that we’re not going to get that from our parents, we don’t lose hope. Every time we are disappointed.
I think you need to find some way to realise that this is beyond them. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, or don’t love you, but they will not behave the way you want or need from them.
I disagree a bit with the idea that the “older generation” see this as just something that happens. I don’t think that is true. My parents are both dead, born 1920/30s. We had miscarriages in the family - and tho far from “touchy feely” people, it was always considered a tragedy, amongst family and friends.

Probably will be flamed
But I think you’re expecting too much.
People act in different ways.

I my self had a miscarriage and I was shocked and sad but then I read up on it and realised how unfortunately it’s extremely common.
So I got on with my life and eventually had a baby.

Also if you’re not happy with your rents YOU NEED TO TELL THEM. They probably assume you’ve got this. ASK FOR HELP

Are you parents usually a good source of emotional support? There is so much stuff online that parents (particularly your mother) are there to support you through things like this, that sometimes I think it's hard to realise that actually your own parents/mother are not like that.

My mother would give me zero sympathy in your situation. But then I know not to expect it now. If you're only just realising that actually she's not a sympathetic/supportive person, then I suspect that might be the cause of your anger - you are angry that your parents are not the people you want them to be (been there, done that).

Sorry for your loss OP, it sounds as if you've had a really rough time. Are your parents white British? You say they are overseas so it is possible they aren't and have even further removed generational ideas about such things. I told my mum first time around that I was 6 weeks pregnant and got scolded because I hadn't had my first scan, so I couldn't know for sure and I might lose it beforehand. No one in my family will announce a pregnancy before 12 weeks, my cousin had a mmc at her 14 week scan and she told her mum that she didn't want anyone to acknowledge it. Some cultures and even families have differing views on such things. I would second the poster who suggested more counselling, it sounds as if you might have deeper feelings of lack of support from them in general.

OP I understand the anger and upset that comes with a miscarriage.

I have had 2 myself, one at 8 weeks followed by a chemical 2 months later.

I remember at the time being shocked that everyone else's world remained unchanged and they carried on largely as before when my world seemed to have stopped. How could they possibly not feel how I felt, how dare they pretend like nothing had happened when I was going through such inner emotional turmoil!? but it was me projecting - I remember falling out with one of my closest friends afterwards as I felt she was glossing over what had happened by continue to talk to me normally. She wasn't deliberately trying to be spiteful - she didn't know what else to do.

I think you should consider more counselling - also find people on here who have experienced it. It really helped me talking to people who had been through it so knew exactly how I felt.

I'm sorry for your loss

Your feelings are your feelings, and I think that your family's reaction to the miscarriage is just one incident that represents a lot more hurt and and anger on your side.

It would be good if we could all have the parents we need, but we don't. If you can accept them for who they are, you will feel far less pain over this.

Two things here- while I agree it's not unreasonable for your mum to feel that an early miscarriage isn't a proper miscarriage, you asked for emotional support and didn't get it.

That is upsetting and disappointing and combined with your disappointment over your pregnancy has left you feeling distressed. It's sad to find out that people you thought had your back, don't.

I can't say whether she tried to comfort you but you were inconsolable, or whether she told you to 'buck up and get over it'.

I was extremely upset and struggling to cope, wanted to share my grief with my mum, and she said 'let's talk about something nicer' and totally shut me down. I've never really forgiven her for it. Basically she can't cope with anyone's feelings except her own. It feels lonely, when the people you want to be close to push you away.

I was in a very similar situation - we're expats overseas and I had a MC a couple of years ago. I was, and still am, really disappointed in my mum's reaction. We don't have an especially close relationship, but at the moment, I really needed her and I feel she wasn't really there (not literally, I didn't expect to her to jump on a plane or anything, I mean more emotionally)

What made it worse was when we travelled back to the UK a few months later for a family wedding and I got chatting to my cousin's wife who said 'oh sorry to hear about your MC, your mum told us all about it, she was so upset!'. I was so angry.

For me, it's not about the MC specifically. There have been many moments where I've been disappointed in her as a mother and this was just a particular 'milestone' in this history. I've mostly dealt with it but stopping myself from dwelling on how I want her to be, and instead trying to accept her for how she is and the relationship that we do have. I know she loves me and only wants the best for me. She had a pretty fucked up relationship with her own mother, so when I'm feeling generous I just think that she doesn't really know any better.

If you're in to podcasts, take a look at this one and see if there are any that look helpful. I've listened to the first one, and even that would be helpful to you I think, in terms of meeting our parents where they are, rather than where we'd like them to be.

podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/how-did-we-get-here/id1491735705

sorry you feel so devastated op. it sounds really tough for you, - is it that you just want your mum. we all need our mum sometimes, ie someone to say "there there" when the world feels strange and cold. and when that comfort isn't forthcoming...very hard.

I am very sorry for your loss op.

I have had a miscarriage followed by two ectopic pregnancies.

I also have 2 Dc against all the odds, so l do understand.

However l do feel your anger is misdirected, you are angry at your parents unfairly. Just because they didn't say all the right things doesn't justify your anger.
They have not done anything wrong, just not reacted exactly as you wished. They probably did the best they could.
For context l have never had a conversation with my dad about my losses, although we are close he doesn't talk easily about certain things, l respect that he still cares hugely in his own way, and would help in a practical way at the drop of a hat.

What helped me enormously was to constantly think how grateful l am to have achieved two healthy children, when some women have losses and never manage to have a child.

Please stop and think hard about those women and then look at your two Dcs,
time to make an effort to accept this as a part of life, sad yes, but a part of life, and look at what you have. I wish you well and to find your peace with this.

I think you've had some very harsh responses.

I don't know what age you are, but I'm in my mid 30s, my mum is in her late 60s, and she would recognise how hurtful that sort of response is. And she's not, on the whole, a particularly empathetic person.

These days it is common knowledge that miscarriages are upsetting and sometimes traumatic. There are regular articles in the papers; there are campaigns. I would expect most people to know that 'it wasn't meant to be' is a pretty shit response. If they didn't already know that, I would expect them to at least listen when someone tried to talk to them.

Is your mum normally like this?

@dontdisturbmenow

She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense Just picked up on this. Have you considered that she feels being upset months after an early miscarriage of an unplanned baby is nonsense and her issue with your sister was more valid and she is disappointed you were not being supportive then?

If your mum does feel like this, she is a horrible person. That's a revolting view to have.