To be so devastated and angry with my family

[Lemonydrizzle]

I had an early miscarriage last year - we already have two lovely DCs and hadn't been trying at the time, but once I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. It ended shortly after and it completely devastated me. I have talked about it, grieved, had counselling and I am doing well and living life, grateful for what I have but the hurt remains. The thing I am struggling to move past is the lack of emotional support from my parents. We live overseas and I told them about it, and visited them a month later. My mum said all the things you don't want to hear - ah it will happen again, it wasn't meant to be etc etc. She didn't listen to what I had to say; I know it was probably a difficult conversation for her, but it made me so angry. I tried to talk about it a few times and eventually I gave up. She behaved very childishly that visit, sulking over a petty argument with my sister and instead of being supported I found myself in the middle of all that nonsense. She never mentioned it again. She was barely In touch over this year and with covid I haven't been able to travel to visit and I'm still so angry about it inside. My dad is consumed by his work, above all else. He hasn't called or reached out to me in 13 months except one text on my birthday to say "happy birthday lemonydrizzle". He is like that with all of the siblings, it's not personal, but it's just so sad. It hurts so much to see his indifference when I really needed love and support.

I'm so angry about it. Im so angry they weren't there for me; I'm so angry I do all the running in our relationship. I'm so angry I can't travel and talk face to face. I'm so angry because it hurts to know when I really needed and asked for support, I didn't get it. Aibu to be so hurt and angry about this?

I was once told that every time we go through something painful, we look again at other people/events in our lives and sometimes we re-evaluate.

This sounds like it has happened to you. If you felt that love and approval were thin on the ground growing up, then that is what prompted your anger at your parents. They don't sound capable of more or willing to give more.

And knowing that will hurt like hell if you've been pining for it your whole life.

Keep going with the counselling, believe it or not, the anger is the power that will spur you on to try and dismantle how you think and feel and what caused you to feel this way.

It's my personal opinion that people's fundamental attitude to relationships and love don't change. Keep working through the hurt they have caused you and find your light through this.

I get that you are upset. What I don't get is how angry you are. Your mum must have realised very quickly that you were overwrought and played it down in an attempt to calm the situation.

Your miscarriage is not your family's miscarriage. They can sympathise to a point, and then move on.

Stop being angry with the wrong people. It clearly affected you more than you realised and your feelings have become more about how others were not as upset as you. How could they be ?

@Constance1

I think the older generation have a more pragmatic attitude to miscarriages. They are a sad but common experience for a lot of women. I've had two myself and I know more people that have had one than haven't. Sorry your mum hasn't reacted in the way you wanted. It sounds like you perhaps need more counselling about this as you still seem stuck in your grief.

That.

People of your parents' generation tend to think we should get over miscarriages in a short while and even more so if we already have a child or children. In fairness, most women do. Hormones can be up the creek for a while though which causes something akin to post natal depression, quite beyond our control and means it takes longer to recover.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. I promise you it will pass, it really will. Having a good talk to someone sympathetic but not involved may help you.

Don't be too hard on your parents, they aren't inside your head and don't understand; it's not their fault any more than it is yours that you are still grieving.

Thye probably have no clue what support you could be looking for. You had your partner, your sister and her husband, presumably friends, and a counsellor, all for an early m/c when you weren't even trying to get pregnant.
I'm not being mean, I'm literally bemused by what more "support" you could need, and quite possibly so are they.

This

I think there’s a lot to be said for the older generation’s attitude, and I think that early pregnancy testing does a lot more harm than good.

The older generation didn’t find out they were pregnant until some weeks in and after a test from the doctor, before that was just a late period, and although if they then started bleeding it might have been a miscarriage, it wasn’t a baby, they didn’t know there was a baby and even if they suspected it could be, it might equally not have been.

Now we have the ability to find out before AF is even due if we’re pregnant, and if your period arrives right on time it is seen as a miscarriage and a devastating loss. When actually, that is nature.

And while for some it is upsetting, there is almost a societal expectation now that people should be devastated over an early miscarriage and should enter into some kind of grieving process, should see it almost along the same lines as the loss of a child.

But it isn’t. It’s nature and it happens to most people at some point.

And in truth everyone’s feelings are their feelings, but pragmatically, an early miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy was just one of those things which wasn’t meant to be.

I would sympathise with someone over having had a miscarriage, but beyond that there is very little you can say really, in fact I think that to an extent making more of a big deal of it just makes things harder for that person to bear, and puts an expectation on the person to continue to be devastated.

“I would sympathise with someone over having had a miscarriage, but beyond that there is very little you can say really, in fact I think that to an extent making more of a big deal of it just makes things harder for that person to bear, and puts an expectation on the person to continue to be devastated.“

I think I agree with this overall. I’m sorry you’ve had such a sad time OP but there’s little more your family or anyone else can do or say than to express their sympathy.

I agree especially older generations who have probably had them and just 'moved on'. It was the way people did, put it down to one of those things and then moved on

I don't understand why this is being viewed as something the older generation (how old?) do. Do younger people react differently? What else is there to do but "move on"?

I don't understand why this is being viewed as something the older generation (how old?) do. Do younger people react differently? What else is there to do but "move on"? I think they do react differently. There seems to be some kind of belief that a miscarriage is a devastating experience akin to losing a child.

I’ve seen it on here numerous times from posters saying they lost a baby at e.g. six weeks and now would be its due date and how no-one has acknowledged it etc.

I imagine that some people do just move on, but being seen to do so nowadays is viewed as cold.

@JudyShakes I think @AlternativePerspective has summed the older generation attitude very well. When I was having children, during the 70s, people were expected to keep quiet about their pregnancy until they had missed 3 periods. This was in case ‘something happened’ and as we know, unfortunately, it often did.
I honestly don’t think OPs mother could realistically do any more than she has, but I do understand how traumatic the miscarriage has been.

My mum has a stiff upper lip about approximately nothing. She's a big softie and someone who appears to have huge empathy for everyone's personal tragedies. Every phone call with her, I am regaled with tales of who is ill, broke up, lost a job, died and how awful it is. She hasn't had a mc, I asked her a few years ago when a friend of mine had an early mc and my mum told me she never had and she was really devastated for my friend and asked for her for months after it each time we spoke.

Her support for me was a ten minute call when I told her about it a few days after it happened. I then visited a month later and first day of that visit she asked how I was am I told her honestly how I felt. She dismissed it with an "ah these things happen" and never has it come up again. The rest of the week was drama over sleeping arrangements. I'm sorry - no matter how much you think an early mc is trivial or just one of those things, when someone stands in front of you and tells you they are heartbroken, you give them a hug and let them have a cry or listen - that's all I wanted. I expected too much. I've tried to explain to my mum how I felt about that visit but it's very difficult to talk about and I don't want to upset her either. I feel really bad about how she would feel if I said to her "I really needed you to listen then mum and give me a hug, and you didn't." I don't want to make her feel guilty and shit about herself because she would. I just want it to never have happened that way!!

A few people have said this was the straw that broke the camels back or that I have a saviour vibe in my family, and there's truth in both. I'm the one my mum falls apart to all the time. She vents her frustrations in her relationship with dad - a bit unfairly given im her daughter - but of course I listen and support. I have been there through trivial upsets and major ones like the loss of her parents and I always provide the support she needs. I feel so let down that one of the rare times I needed it, it wasn't there. I think it confounded her a bit to see me not being strong and stoic. Truly I am being unreasonable to ask it of dad as he is incapable of it.

The anger I feel is really just easier to acknowledge than the pain behind it and the disappointment that my relationship with my parents isn't what I want it to be. I think for my sake and my own family, I need to accept that truth now to move forward. Oddly this brutal and eviscerating experience has helped.

For those of you on the thread with difficult family relationships and who have suffered losses, I'm so sorry. It's bloody hard.

For those that see it differently - thanks too; there may be some of your mindset at play and that's helpful to know and I mean that without any sarcasm. I do wish often I'd never tested and known I was pregnant for that few weeks, but I did, I was and I knew it and there was hope and then nothing.

@ImMoana definitely identify on doing all the running: I will be dialling it back for my sanity! Sound advice

@MrsBobDylan thank you - you hit on a lot of it xxx

I'm sorry for your loss.

Having had two MC myself I now know a lot of people that this has happened to, and there's a wide range of emotions around it all. Is it possible that your mum went through this too and it isn't an easy memory for her to process? As pp have said, it is sadly a very common occurrence and many people don't have the same reaction as you did.

Yanbu OP to feel this way.

A friend of mine had cancer years ago and thankfully recovered well from it. However her family barely reacted other than to say 'but you look so well' etc. She got so little support, well none, or concern that she ended up having counselling for that rather than the cancer. It stirred up a lot of other family stuff for her I suspect. She was in her mid 30s at the time but when things like that happen I think you almost need to feel like someone's child again. Her needs weren't met at all, yet she was always there for them.

It's really tough when you're vulnerable and those who should understand don't, or don't say the right thing. Just because they may be of a different generation doesn't justify the empathy bypass.

Sorry for your loss and glad you were able to get counselling. Might be worth a few more sessions to help process your anger.

miscarriage is crappy. I've had 6, .We find out so early now, I'm not sure that's a good thing. Early miscarriages are very common and I think the more old fashioned approach of not counting your chickens until 12 weeks was better.
I think you should stop being so angry with your family. Your mother has done and said all she can. prepare yourself for another MC should you become pregnant again. They are horrible, but they happen.

There is no way I'd be able to discuss anything like that with my family. I keep everything to myself.

Op, I mean this gently, but could this be all tied up with your extreme and very obvious desire to have a third child?

This has been going on for a long time, well over a year, and you’re still in counselling, still angry, still ruminating, and you can’t get past it. For you it remains cataclysmic.

You haven’t commented on if you’re trying again, but could this desire to have another baby be at the root of this?

Also you’ve kind of changed the narrative, you say in your latest post you mentioned it once, never to mention it again, yet in your op you say you raised it with her several times. You need to make sure that in your head you position this accurately.

@Bluntness100 I'm not sure about a third child; I think we have a good balance and I wouldn't like to go through another loss or roll the dice on whether I have a healthy pregnancy so I've sat on the fence for now. I don't know if my mind will change on it but right now I really am happy with my lot and grateful for my 2.

I do think there's nothing else I can achieve in going back over this with mum any more. I've tried to open the conversation up my talking to her about the mc 2 - 3 times in our conversations in the weeks after my visit 1 what I cannot bring up honestly with her at all is my disappointment with her on that visit. Just trying to get through all this tangled web of emotion!!

You've expressed very clearly here what your issues are with your mum. I know you've said you don't want to tell her how you feel in case you hurt her - but you are hurting yourself by holding it all in.

There are ways to discuss it without making accusations. People always recommend making statements about your own feelings - 'I felt......when you said....' instead of 'you always....'

I think you might be surprised how well the conversation goes. You might be able to move on.

I agree with the older generation perspective and this is perhaps why your DM viewed it as a none event? I’ve had numerous miscarriages but in my era they were just late periods, usually a week late and a very heavy period if they were a couple of weeks late.

Being 4 or 5 weeks pregnant never happened to us I would probably only start thinking I was actually pregnant if I was 2 weeks late so would be about 6 weeks pregnant by then. If I bled I would think oh I wasn’t pregnant just very late.

We were sort of the mindset that a late period was due to a non viable embryo rather than a miscarriage. Sounds harsh but we didn’t have these early tests and we didn’t grieve.

My sister had a miscarriage, no kids yet and has been married two years. She only told us siblings and our parents. She was beyond devastated. It is hard to know what to say, we are not super close. I checked in on her via text one day a week and said all of the things your mum probably said. Miscarriage is more common than I thought, I have never experienced one and didn't want to appear insensitive by badgering her with texts everyday when we rarely text normally. Perhaps your parents just don't know how to deal with it in terms of approaching you, especially if you haven't been open about how you feel with them. I think you need more counselling as you seem to be directing your pain into anger and wrongly at them.

@BessieSurtees

I agree with the older generation perspective and this is perhaps why your DM viewed it as a none event? I’ve had numerous miscarriages but in my era they were just late periods, usually a week late and a very heavy period if they were a couple of weeks late.

Being 4 or 5 weeks pregnant never happened to us I would probably only start thinking I was actually pregnant if I was 2 weeks late so would be about 6 weeks pregnant by then. If I bled I would think oh I wasn’t pregnant just very late.

We were sort of the mindset that a late period was due to a non viable embryo rather than a miscarriage. Sounds harsh but we didn’t have these early tests and we didn’t grieve.

Yes, sums up my experience as well.

Can we stop with the older generation nonsense? I'm youngish and I don't understand a lot of the reactions here, and I'm hardly the only one.

Yes YABU but it's understandable. Sorry for your loss OP.

I have a couple of thoughts on this...

I have had five miscarriages but luckily have my one lovely DC. Because of the mc struggles I didn’t have til DS til I was 39 and now I am failing to give him a sibling. I know it can be tough, love.

Even though my experiences have obviously been difficult and at the ‘less common’ end of the scale - support has always been thin on the ground. Mainly I think, because ultimately people are selfish and want to focus on themselves - other people’s pain/problems are inconvenient. I also think there’s a bit of good old fashioned misogyny thrown in there - ‘women’s problems - get over it’ and also, ignorance... ‘it’s just a late period’.

I have learned to have chronically low expectations of others. And that’s okay. I can now be a bit more selfish too.

However... your parents could have made more of an effort. Although it sounds like your mum did try to a degree.

Sounds like this thread gave you some really helpful insights about the root of your feelings. I hope the continued counselling helps.

I think this is why mumsnet is great too because you get to speak and be listened to and supported in a way you might not at home. Keep talking if it helps x

@GoJoe2020

Can we stop with the older generation nonsense? I'm youngish and I don't understand a lot of the reactions here, and I'm hardly the only one.

The older perspective is given as an explanation as to why OP’s mother (perhaps) didn’t have as much empathy as the OP wanted. In our day a miscarriage was something that happened after 12 weeks or so, anything earlier than 10 weeks was referred to as a missed abortion, which is a dreadful term but was considered a non viable pregnancy. You may not understand but it doesn’t make it nonsense.

@Lemonydrizzle, the list of people my mother feels sorry for is very very long ideed and never includes me. Wonder if that rings any bells for you?