Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

Dear lord, take him up on his offer. What's stopping you - finances? Kids? Fear of being alone? Let us know and I'm sure we can help get you away from this prick.

Je jas every right to have a deadline to see improvement in your marriage and even the right to not tell you that deadline. In return you jave every right to have your own deadline. Which should be immediately. Why do keep putting up with the abuse

Perfect opportunity to get shot. Take him up on his offer. My ex used to do similar.

Why are you staying with this abusive man?

I don’t mean this as badly as it might sound, but I think this really depends on the context of the wider relationship.

If someone posted here that they really wanted their marriage to work but their spouse was back and forth on whether they wanted to end it or not, would leave and come back, mention divorce etc then posters here might say that this was unreasonable and that person needs to make a decision so that if it’s over they can move on. So in and of itself I don’t think it’s unreasonable or abusive although it could be.

It's designed to make you anxious op. He's a nasty piece of work.

Take the decision out of his hands and kick him out. You deserve better.

If you knew his supposed deadline, would it change anything? You both need to step up or let go.

But you have considered divorce before. Things were presumably bad enough then for you to want him gone. Now he's offering to go... so let him.

Seize it and get rid of him!

Get everything in order, get a solicitor, tell him to go fuck himself and then go live the life you deserve.

I can’t tell if you’re threatening to divorce him all the time and he’s got sick of it and just wants you to decide, or if he’s an abusive dick.

Either way it sounds like you’re done.

Before you even mentioned emotional abuse I was thinking the same. He is horrible. You deserve better.

The unnamed deadline is the worst thing about all this so essentially you’ve got to be on your “best behaviour” constantly. I think a lot of people probably have it in their heads that they want to be young enough to start again but I think the fact he’s said it to you and his behaviour in general means this is just another form of emotional abuse

What are you hanging around for? It doesn't have to happen to his timetable - kick him out now. And don't let him have 'one last Christmas' which might be what he has in mind in case he doesn't manage to trade up and replace you immediately. Which would of course clearly be down to COVID/lockdown and nothing to do with his charming personality and sexual allure. In normal times, he clearly reckons he's a catch!

Honestly just get out now before you end up pregnant and the emotional abuse really ramps up.

Appreciate your giving another perspective. SinkGirl. I totally agree it’s not unreasonable to say ‘look we need to make a final decision here, for everyone’s sake’. What I feel is unfair is to let the other person know you have set a deadline but you won’t tell them what it is. And then to make it clear you will move on, which raises all sorts of concerns about whether he will still prioritise our children. Both things feel designed to exert control over me. If he didn’t have form for this, I wouldn’t necessarily see it this way.

I think it's very sensible of him, if not a little blunt.

Not sure about the 'deadline' thing but I expect it's his way of pointing out that things haven't been right between the two of you for some time, so at some point you'll both have to move on if you can't get on together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce

See if I was married to someone who always did that, I'd tell them to shit or get off the pot.

Perhaps that's what he's doing with his deadline? You two can't drag this out forever.

He has checked out mentally already, just biding his time to line up someone else. Take the initiative and ask him to leave.

So I was thinking fair enough until you said you had children already. So what he really means is he wants to be young enough to meet a younger, child free woman who wants kids and still be an acceptable age to be a father again.

I think you need to take the initiative and either end things now or set your own deadline.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to think about the possibility of a new relationship, if you should divorce.

Regularly discussing divorce, having a separation and getting back together is doing no one any favours - it's just prolonging the agony. Either commit to the relationship or end it - if he is low-level abusive, ending it would be what I'd choose.

I'd tell him he could fuck off and have fun. Who does he think you are?!

You’re raising divorce, he’s raising divorce, you’ve separated once before. Neither of you wants to be married to each other. Split up and move on.

I think you know that it's over - and it looks like it's very much in your interest to get rid of him.

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a man that loves you. This sounds like a man with a housekeeper who wants to know if he needs to advertise for a fresh member of staff.

OP, he will tell you about the "deadline date" when he meets someone else and will be ready to leave you. Until then he will suck the life out of you with his bullish behaviour.