Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

And why would you want then to have contact with dad if he did have social services called on him.
🤔

Also, I struggle to understand why he is unreasonable for creating uncertainty for you by not specifying an actual date (more a vague plea to you that you make a decision and don't leave him hanging on) when you have previously left him and mentioned divorce several times. Surely he's the one who has been dealing with the uncertainty and is now just pleading with you not to lead him on. What does it matter if he moves on/wants a fresh start when you are the one who wants to leave him? I just think that you are overanalyzing the situation, have been spurred on by friends and your therapist (who are going to side with you based upon your version of events) and then bit by bit, you have turned your husband, into a potentially violent gaslighting threat. I don't see how this is helpful to your own anxiety or the way that you move forward together to care for the children.

@Arthersleep

Also, I struggle to understand why he is unreasonable for creating uncertainty for you by not specifying an actual date (more a vague plea to you that you make a decision and don't leave him hanging on) when you have previously left him and mentioned divorce several times. Surely he's the one who has been dealing with the uncertainty and is now just pleading with you not to lead him on. What does it matter if he moves on/wants a fresh start when you are the one who wants to leave him? I just think that you are overanalyzing the situation, have been spurred on by friends and your therapist (who are going to side with you based upon your version of events) and then bit by bit, you have turned your husband, into a potentially violent gaslighting threat. I don't see how this is helpful to your own anxiety or the way that you move forward together to care for the children.

@Athersleep - It doesn't matter if he wants to move on and start over - but I think its out of order to share that with me when we are still married. Its fine to be motivated by, and fine to think, but its not fine to share that with your spouse at this point. That is what my friends pointed out as being unreasonable. Most people on this thread have been in agreement with that. I haven't discussed this issue with a therapist so I'm not sure where you get that from.

In response to your other comment I have not - bit by bit. turned my husband into a potentially violent gaslighting threat. I have actually experienced a years of being made to do things which I wont want to do - or being unable to do things which I want to done (none of which are unreasonable obviously). Struggling with psychological abuse is challenging enough as it so so please could I asked that you refrain from telling me this is all of my own making and in my mind. I experience enough gaslighting at home, without being subject to it on the internet too.

For you the marriage is over - that much is clear.

So he needs to be thinking about a changed future for himself - and wanting to meet someone else in time to set up a new family is one of his aspirations. That sounds entirely reasonable.

I do not understand why you find it unacceptable for him to state that. You do not want him, but resent him planning his future to include a new person.

Get rid, he sounds like an arse about to embark on a mid life crisis dating spree. You are worth more than that. Seriously get shot of him

Thanks for everyone's encouragement to grip this situation. I have a copy of the Bundy book, have started The Freedom Programme and have an assessment booked in with a domestic abuse counsellor.

Doesnt sound like he loves you at all, who words things like that.

Why haven’t you snapped his hand off and said yes they split now ?

For those that asked why I haven't left, this is probably the heart of why: I'm terrified of him having unsupervised access to the children and something happening to them - see thread below. When I tried raising concerns with SS before they fobbed me off and said my concerns weren't significant enough. Unless I can get protection in place for the children, I'd rather be in the marriage and in the house so I can try and mitigate the risks to them.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4082825-AIBU-to-have-concerns-about-my-husbands-attitude-to-our-childrens-safety?msgid=101863056

That is a very hard situation for you. I hope you can resolve this in some way.

Op, honest question... is he the hands on father always finding the time to help out with the children or the one who does everything possible to avoid spending much time with the kids?

If the former... I can assure you he won’t be in the scene for long after divorce. I remember reading at Gingerbread that only around 50% of non resident parents maintain regular contact with their kids 3 years after the split (I divorced a zillion years ago, so stats may be different these days). The moment he starts “living his life” (going out, getting a new girlfriend, finding a job somewhere else, going on holidays with friends), his involvement with the kids would gradually reduce so he might nit end up spending much time either kids alone as you fear, if he has family nearby your children are likely to doing more of the care for them.

This obviously is a sad situation for the kids, but when it comes to abusive parent, having no father around might be better than having one making you feel miserable and neglected every other weekend.

He has put it in a plate for you, he wants out but I suppose that as anyone else he doesn’t want to be the executor of the marriage. Why not tell him in a diplomatic way that you take on board his comment about leaving and that if he feels that way you are open to discuss how to go about splitting in “good” way?

It may be a better way out, I can assure you there are thousands of unhappily married people who don’t want to be with each other but... are afraid to be the ones who started the split no matter how much they dislike each other.

I've just skim read your 'safety' thread and am just speechless.
Gather up your kids and move to a place of safety as soon as humanely possible.
Women's Aid should be able to advise/help.

Change is always daunting and scary, even at the best of times, and any relationship strife is unpleasant and emotionally taxing, even with a reasonable partner which I don't think you have. But think about how good your life and that of your DCs could be... Picture the load off you and imagine your future. V best of luck, whatever you decide