Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

It sounds to me as if you need to tell him you all had your own deadline, which was today, and sadly he hasn't stepped up sufficiently to merit him staying.

Don't leave the choice of what he will do by way of maintenance to him. See a solicitor and find out what you're entitled to.

Given he's so appalling, it might be in your interests to let him think this is his own idea. "You're right, it's not working" but be received less aggressively (by him) than "I don't want to stay with you."

If he's a bad father now the chances are high that he'll be a bad father when you split up. If you are worried then maybe you should look into contact centres.

@Kerals26

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I generally agree. I do want out and have since I realised what was going on. But I’m scared. Sacred because I haven’t been well enough to work for sometime and he won’t tell me what financial settlement he will give me. Scared because I worry about what he might do to me or the kids in a white rage. Sacred because I have an incredibly stressful court case coming up which I worry about getting through on my own (maybe this is why the deadline worries me). Scared because I think he will not make much effort with our children (no a great father to date). Scared because I worry about their safety (once had to report a worrying incident to social services) and don’t want him having the children if I’m not there. Scared that he is right that there is something wrong with me and I’ll ‘never he happy with anyone’. Scared that I am over reacted and perceiving him as a sure when he isn’t. Scared of having regrets. Scared of ever entering into a relationship again after this. Just scared overall.

You'll be able to claim benefits in the short term and in the future if you can't work. It's not up to him how much he decides to give you.

I think he said it as an attempt to get you "back in your box" and stop standing up to him.

Financial settlement isn't up to him!

Detach detach detach

Break the "worries" down into parts. If you worry about it all at once it is overwhelming.

Some of these worries will be decided by the Courts. Some of these worries are pre-mature.

You have left the house and not said where you are going?
If you had no kids I'd say fair enough do what you like.
You call it 'leaving the house to cool off'. I call it a behavioural stunt to punish someone by deliberately not telling them where you are going.
If my partner who had 'clinical levels of anxiety' disappeared without saying where they are going, I'd call the police too.
I sincerely hope you save this sort of behaviour for when your kids were asleep. Otherwise they'd be absolutely terrified that you'd abandoned them or come to some harm.
There's two of you in this. I hope the kids aren't being constantly caught in the crossfire while the two of you score points off each other.

I doubt he'll make the decision to leave at all. It looks like a threat to me, to keep OP on eggshells. He doesn't think she will end it, because he thinks he's got her under control, which is how he wants it. So he thinks he can stay, holding the Sword of Damocles hanging over OP's head. He'll be quite put out when she says 'OK then, let's get a divorce. I'll make an appointment with a solicitor.'

By focussing on pizza (OP's other current thread), and trying to work out what a 'normal' person would do in her situation, OP is behaving exactly as he would expect: obsessing about small things, and not tackling the big 'my husband is abusive so I'm leaving him' issue at all.

If you walked out without saying where you were going, or if you were coming back, and we're upset, I can see why he called for help.

The marriage is not a happy, healthy or productive one, it's time to get out

He has a right to want to have time to start again, and if he was an otherwise decent man I'd say that was fair enough, but he sounds dreadful, and this sounds like he's deliberately using it to make you feel on edge and anxious, it's just another abuse tactic. Also, no wonder you suffer from anxiety if you are subjected to emotional abuse and gaslighting by him.

Please get rid. Put your own deadline in place for when you will be able to leave him and then work towards that. Don't tell him, but know that that's what you're going to do. I do understand it's very difficult, but nothing is worth staying with an abusive man.

You only get one life. Don't waste it. Get a good solicitor and get on with your own life.

It is time to divorce.

If you're leaning to divorce then you have your answer you're just scared of the change.
You aren't happy, you say you can't cope with his behaviour so just end it now.. it'll be hard but you will move on and feel better.

His deadline is irrelevant as it doesn't sound like you want to make the effort to fix it. It doesn't sound like you think you have anything to fix in yourself.. you say when the abuse gets too much as though it's him and his behaviour that's the issue. If he's abusive he won't change.

Leave, be happy don't wait for someone to change to make you happy!

I voted YABU to think he's awful for stating his intentions in this way as I think that's fair enough.

However I do think you should run as fast as your legs can carry you and never look back!!!

All those fears are reasonable but they won’t go away if you do nothing and wait forever his deadline. In fact the uncertainty is probably the most scary part.
Take control. Divorce now. You will feel a great release of tension in just knowing the road ahead and not sitting waiting.

I doubt he'll make the decision to leave at all

Yes, they could both be doing it. She’s not willing to make the decision and neither is he, both threatening each other.

I suspect though as this is not his go to position, it’s the ops, he is serious. He will just end it. He has less to fear. Nothing even. Everyone reaches the end of their tether as he says, if this has been dragging on. Which it clearly has for a long time.

Please leave

Get a solicitor/ring women’s aid......please know it isn’t up to him. You can decide what your future looks like.

@Thehop

Please leave

Get a solicitor/ring women’s aid......please know it isn’t up to him. You can decide what your future looks like.

But it is up to him if the op doesn’t act either way.

YABVU for staying with him.

No decision is a decision.

He won't tell me what financial settlement he'll give me

Well presumably he wants to give you tuppence and a crust of old bread.

However it doesn't work like that - you need to see a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to, not what your not-so-DH might be prepared to spare you.

I think it sounds like both of you have one foot out of the door and have had for some time, but both of you are too chicken to actually do it, despite both of you knowing that neither of you are happy. You have severe doubts that he even has it in him to change, and he would rather not change and for you to actually just leave if you dont like it as it is, but to actually decide one way or another.

He’s manipulating you into ending the marriage. How can anyone who is imagining a future life with someone else be very committed to his current marriage? My bet is he already has someone in mind. Take him up on his kind offer and enjoy your life.

I think it's very sensible of him, if not a little blunt

I agree.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce.

Constant raising the issue of divorce can also be abusive.

He has obviously decided if you are planning to end things he will be moving on. And that's fine for him
I agree with this as well.

I have said my preference was on the divorce side as I didn’t think he could change his behaviour.
Then you need to get on with it.

He doesn't want to waste any more time on a relationship that wont work.

Exactly...and it's a sensible approach.

On the other end of the spectrum he’s done things like call the police when I’ve gone out to cool down but wouldn’t tell him where I had gone, claiming I was suicidal when I wasn’t. He’s also bullied me into doing something (not sexual) that goes against all my moral standards and values

Time to take responsibility for your happiness and end it.

You've made it abundantly clear he's an abusive wanker.

Is this what you want for the rest of yours and your kid's lives?

My sentiments exactly.

The subtext of what he's saying is that you and your children are replaceable.

I don't agree that he's inferring this at all. He wants to leave if it's not working out and be young enough to be a dad, if he meets someone without kids..or who wants more.

That doesn't mean his existing DC are replaceable ..but he can absolutely replace his wife with a more compatible one...that's what happens every day when a couple split and move on.

I would never for a second try and think I'm irreplaceable to my DH.. my kids..yes..theyonly have one mother...but not him.

Scared because I think he will not make much effort with our children (no a great father to date). Scared because I worry about their safety (once had to report a worrying incident to social services) and don’t want him having the children if I’m not there.

If he's not made much of an effort, then he won't be much of a loss to them will he.

Before you mentioned finances ...I thought that your ability to support yourself/the kids would be an issue.

You can't hold onto him, because you're scared of not meeting anyone else...that's holding him back from a chance if happiness. Let him go

YABU for staying with this prat.

He’s bluffing.