Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

That is pretty much it - I don’t feel it’s unreasonable of him to say this but I also think that I am now numb to the pain he causes. I want to know what a normal, non-abused, person thinks of this behaviour as I’ve been so gaslighted I can no longer tell.

Op, why are you so het up about some deadline.

You think he’s abusive, coercive and controlling, you’ve told him you prefer to divorce, he rightly wants to call an end to this no mans land and either exit or try to fix it. Dragging it out is abusive in itself. And now it reads like you want to know how much longer you can drag it out for.

Just make your decision, the marriage is already over. He’s right to say call it now or I will.

The only good that would come it seems out of remaining would be that there would not be another woman who could be subject to his behaviour. Though the harm it would do to you in the mean time is not worth even that.

Just seen your update OP - there is no point trying to point out his behaviours to him. What do you think he’s going to do, apologise and mend his ways? Stop engaging in the drama and move on.

@Kerals26

That is pretty much it - I don’t feel it’s unreasonable of him to say this but I also think that I am now numb to the pain he causes. I want to know what a normal, non-abused, person thinks of this behaviour as I’ve been so gaslighted I can no longer tell.

Everyone is pretty much saying the same thing, but you’re not listening

Call it. If you want out. Go.

Make your own deadline. Make it soon. Start your life again.

Is he likely to have been having an affair and the deadline is the other women's?

I want to know what a normal, non-abused, person thinks of this behaviour as I’ve been so gaslighted I can no longer tell

Why does it matter what someone who is not in your long term situation would do? What is the relevance?

Of course it is about control - you have correctly identified that.

So take control.
Take control away from him.
What does it matter what his 'deadline is??
He is trying to call you to heel rather than giving you his committment to your marriage.

He's already away in all ways that matter, but is trying to wrongfoot you.

Make the deicison in your own head that you deserve a better relationship than this.Tell him that YOUR deadline has just expired.
FGS. Men like him make me so cross.

It doesn’t matter what other people think of his behaviour. It only matters how it makes you feel, and clearly it makes you feel like shit. Nobody is ever unreasonable to leave a relationship that makes them unhappy.

@Eckhart

I want to know what a normal, non-abused, person thinks of this behaviour as I’ve been so gaslighted I can no longer tell

Why does it matter what someone who is not in your long term situation would do? What is the relevance?

Took the words right out of my mouth.

OP I've read this and the 'pizza thread' you referred to earlier and it seems as though you're perhaps using these threads to distract yourself from the fact you need to get on with the divorce.

Oh god get rid of him! I’m not sure if that answer is a YABU or yanbu vote.

Honestly he sounds an abusive arse. I agree with a PP who said he’s doing this deliberately to make you anxious.

If he was a reasonable person and committed to your marriage he would be fully “in” and not putting ultimatums on it. He would be doing whatever is needed to make it work. If he was a reasonable person and didn’t want to stay together, he’d tell you so and do what is needed to separate.

I had an ea exh and I remember once in a row him saying “if we split up I’d want to find someone new and have different children”. He either said or implied he wouldn’t bother with our children if that happened.

Well, he has gone on to meet someone else who is now pregnant, so he’s made good on that, although he does have frequent contact with our children. Having the new relationship and making it work seems to have been a huge priority for him - a form of winning - whereas I’ve no desire whatsoever to start a “second family” or second part of the family. He could also be rubbing your nose in the fact it’s much easier for men to have that second chance, and trying to make you fearful from that POV.

However the fact exh has a new fiancée and baby on the way doesn’t bother me at all, so don’t let that put you off leaving him - the fact he’ll almost certainly do it if he can. It’s not horrible at all to think of him with someone else, especially as I know he’s no prize!

Cross posting with your comments about divorce.
What are you both waiting for?

It's hard to know how abusive these latest statements are without a wider context...if the wider context is ongoing emotional abuse then they may be part of it. In itself, it is reasonable to not want things to drag on, but to have a 'secret' deadline is rIdiculous.

BUT the point is OP, what does any of that matter? Why does it matter if these latest things are abusive or not, why does it matter when his deadline is? You have made it clear you are unhappy in this marriage and you don't think he can change, and you are probably right. Do you want to give things another go? If so, set your own deadline and tell him when it is. But it seems you want to get out.

I can see concerns about how he will prioritise his dc and so on, but that will always be an issue, and it will be better to take control.

What is stopping you giving him your decision?

You sound unhappy, your husband sounds unhappy, divorce and both move on, you might find your anxiety vanishes within a year.

Sit down with him and tell him you agree you should end the marriage, you would like to know when he wants to start the wheels in motion, sort out finances, etc. You will both be better apart, it sounds like a toxic relationship.

Read other thread and feel sad for your dc caught in the middle of this toxic atmosphere. Tbh I suspect you equally are winding him up with talk of divorce but that does not excuse his behaviour. Just crack on with it.

Extremely unlikely

You are deeply unhappy with his behaviour. I think he is telling you divorce him or put up with it. If he has gas lighted you for year and low level abuse then why dont you make both of you happy and divorce. His timeline doesnt matter. It sounds like you both have had enough

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I generally agree. I do want out and have since I realised what was going on. But I’m scared. Sacred because I haven’t been well enough to work for sometime and he won’t tell me what financial settlement he will give me. Scared because I worry about what he might do to me or the kids in a white rage. Sacred because I have an incredibly stressful court case coming up which I worry about getting through on my own (maybe this is why the deadline worries me). Scared because I think he will not make much effort with our children (no a great father to date). Scared because I worry about their safety (once had to report a worrying incident to social services) and don’t want him having the children if I’m not there. Scared that he is right that there is something wrong with me and I’ll ‘never he happy with anyone’. Scared that I am over reacted and perceiving him as a sure when he isn’t. Scared of having regrets. Scared of ever entering into a relationship again after this. Just scared overall.

Deadline aside, personally I'd either start counselling together now and give it a real try to both change and build something better together, or call it quits and seek happiness elsewhere. Staying in this relationship and doing similar things seems like a recipe for shared unhappiness. You must have a gut feel on which direction is best for you.

If leaving is too drastic you need to start mentally and emotionally detaching.

The deadline is neither here nor there. If he's as abusive as you say he wants to see how high you'll jump for the sake of it. The secret deadline is an attempt to keep you scared and under his control.

You need to take control for the sake of your mental health. Being a single parent is hard but you'll be free of the mental load that it takes being with him and that's priceless.

Of course he wants to go and shag childless women and possibly have more- it's as cliche as it comes. You can't stop that happening. You only have control over what you and your behaviour and if you withdraw from this toxic game that you've both been playing then you'll feel much better

I want to know what a normal, non-abused, person thinks of this behaviour as I’ve been so gaslighted I can no longer tell.

So stop worrying about it. He fucked your head up. There's no point sticking around navel gazing and waiting for things in your head to change.

Clearly the marriage is done. But I would suggest you take time to get advice first, look at your finances first, copy paperwork first. Then when you tell him you want a divorce - and ideally just those four simple words, not a novella about behaviour and feelings - you won't feel so out of control when he starts to make his own preparations.

Look, he's asking you to make a decision about whether you want to stay together or separate.

That's really not unreasonable.

Why won't you make the decision?

It’s not what financial statement he will give you ffs. See a solicitor, work out what is reasonable, and if he won’t agree to that (or something close and manageable, as you have to take into account the costs of litigation) take him to court to get it sorted - with mediation first if possible.

With the kids, do you have evidence he is harmful? Speak to the solicitor about this too - she/ he can advise you about what the family court is likely to grant him in terms of contact / shared care. Again mediation and ultimately the courts are the final decision makers here, not him in his high and mighty wisdom.