Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

“How’s next Friday?”

I agree. But he’s in the Police and I know he’s been telling his colleagues and bosses that I’m bat shit crazy.

He’s not currently violent but I fear he could be when I finally say it’s all over.

I did think YWBU when I started reading as I thought that it's not on really to umm and aah about divorce and mention it a few times and the spouse is sort of left up in the air not knowing what is going on while wanting to make the marriage work.
Then I continued to read and also read some of your pizza thread and your maggots thread from 2017!!
Yesterday morning my husband found maggots in the bin and blamed me. He is annoyed because I am barbecuing more recently (he dislikes the fact that I bought a bbq against his wishes) and also have sometimes had the windows and doors open for fresh air in the recent hot weather (he hates flies and thinks all doors and windows should be shut to minimise the rail of getting a fly in the house).

So my conclusion is that this man is an absolute prick and yes he is awful and he is trying to exert control by saying that he has a deadline but not telling you.
Frankly you need to get out of there. Go to a solicitor.
You do not need to fear a divorce because he won't tell you what financial settlement he will give you. He will have to give you the financial settlement that your and his solicitors agree or the courts agree.
If you are concerned about him turning violent when you say it's over, ask women's aid for advice. In fact you could contact them now for advice on steps to take to get rid of him for good.
Going into a strop about a fucking pizza tray and some maggots in a bin which are supposedly your fault because you bought a BBQ "against his wishes". Fucking hell!

If you fear he may turn violent, you may well be right.

Standard advice in that context is to get ready to leave without telling him. Get your ducks in a row, once you’re ready just go. Contact Women’s Aid for more information.

If you think you might need legal protection from him, injunctions have to be upheld against serving police officers just as they do anyone else.

Thanks iluvgab. It’s hard to explain - I don’t have an issue with him wanting to make a final decision or know where he stands; I think that’s essential. What I’m concerned about is that I didn’t even register he was out of order for rubbing my nose on the new family/threat. It took my friends to point out to me that that’s not nice (fine to think and plan on but not fine to share with your spouse at this point). Yes the maggots thread from several years ago says it all. One post comment I have never forgotten is ‘why does it have to be anyone’s fault?’. It’s such an obvious point - but in my marriage, it always has to be ‘my fault’.

@SandyY2K

Constant raising the issue of divorce can also be abusive

Defending abusers and labelling the victim abusive again are you?

It’s not abusive to threaten to leave an abusive man for his abuse.

I’ve not read the whole thread.

But. Why does he get to decide this?

It’s over anyway if this is what he is saying

Thank you Tatiana for seeing the difference.

Thanks iluvgab. It’s hard to explain - I don’t have an issue with him wanting to make a final decision or know where he stands; I think that’s essential

Do you want to stay married to him? Why does he have to make a final decision as to whether the marriage ends or not?
A marriage is over when one of the parties does not want to be in the marriage anymore.

Fuck him saying he wants to know soon enough so he can meet some else and start a new family.
What about you? You could meet someone else who is actually a lovely person and doesn't blame you for maggots, pizzas or anything else (because there's probably a load more examples).
You deserve way better than what you are getting from this horrible man.

I’d leave. Neither of you sound like you want to be there tbh.

I don’t want to be married to him but I’m scared to leave. And I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home. On the other hand I’m scared of what will happen if I stay, and what example of marriage I am modelling to my children. On balance, it’s time to go.

Being scared is understandable, just don't let it stop you.
You can be scared and do the right thing.

Your children are already in a broken home in an awful environment.

Fallsballs - thank you, that is more helpful than you could know (honestly, no sarcasm intended).

I don’t want to be married to him but I’m scared to leave. And I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home. On the other hand I’m scared of what will happen if I stay, and what example of marriage I am modelling to my children. On balance, it’s time to go.

I think most people are scared to leave to some extent. Some are scared of violence. Some are scared of what the future holds. Some people are scared of being alone.
But people still can and do leave.
Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life?

Also you can talk to a solicitor so you can start to make plans. It doesn't mean you have to leave immediately. It means you have more information and information is always good.

BTW I don't think your 'D'H has a deadline at all. He has no intention of divorcing you. He's using it to threaten to you.
Take the power back.

[quote TatianaBis]@SandyY2K

Constant raising the issue of divorce can also be abusive

Defending abusers and labelling the victim abusive again are you?

It’s not abusive to threaten to leave an abusive man for his abuse.[/quote]
To be fair to Sandy she is correct, constantly threatening something you have no plan to do, absolutely can be abusive and a way of controlling them.

That is not victim blaming, it’s simply factual and Sandy didn’t deserve th attack in this instance. She said can be, not “is”

However it seems the op has been repeatedly saying she wishes divorce for a very long time and is not emotionally strong enough to follow it through. He is now the one forcing it either way.

It’s also clear the op deems him abusive and a physical violence risk but he deems her the issue, they both have a story to tell,

For both their sakes it’s time to end it, irrelevant of who does it.

And I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home.

But your children are growing up in a toxic atmosphere. That's much worse than growing up with two parents who are happier seperately.

The problem is this. You are scared because you have no understanding of your rights as a married woman.

He doesn't get to decide ' how much he gives you' ! It depends on a whole pile of factors to do with your JOINT MARITAL ASSETS. These are not 'his' to hand out with largesse... they are decided by your own personal situation ( which none of us know) but are dependent on such things as ;

Home ownership
Savings
Your ability to earn
His ability to earn
The pension pot (it's not 'his' even if he is the only worker outside the home)
Age of children
Where the children will live and how much time they will be with each of you..
Other financial assets gained whilst married..

You need to stop being scared and get knowledgeable.

See a solicitor. Give them the facts relating to the above and anything else they ask for. Then you will stop wasting mental energy on being scared . You will have the FACTS to make an informed decision.

As the saying goes.. knowledge IS power...

If this year has taught some of us anything, life is waaaaay too short for this kind of shit.

Get a divorce and do yourselves both a favour.

Falls ball is so right. Your children are already in a broken home, and a very unhealthy environment. They could potentially carry around all kinds of sadness and guilt from an horrible hone life.

No one sounds happy in this situation, try and get things sorted and lined up for you to divorce him.

He's really done a number on you. Sorry, OP.

Tell him to get to fuck.

He doesn't get to decide what he'll 'give' you, a court will. Get a SHL.

Get originals and/or copies of everything important, passports, all financial statements, pension statements etc

He is abusive, and he's worked hard to convince you the problem is you when it's not. Get counselling so they can help you see this,

I think people are confused as to what is the right way to click what they mean inn the poll and with more straightforward phrasing (though I get what you mean) people would've said that your husband is being very nasty.

The not telling you the 'deadline' I suspect was deliberately anxiety provoking- it would provoke anxiety in anyone, even if they weren't prone to it.

By saying he doesn't want to waste his time on a marriage that isn't going to work, but is committed to working on it, he's contradicting himself. I think he only said the 'commited to working on it' bit to make him sound like the good guy.

Whatever he's playing at is horrible.

So sorry you're having to live with this. ]

Take back control and you be the one to bin him. xx

Scared because I haven’t been well enough to work for sometime

He will be making your anxiety a lot worse, you will feel better when he isn't around. Things like the maggots incident where you must be feeling like or fearing doing he considers 'wrong' all the time, and the secret deadline etc etc.

Financially I expect you'll be eligible for stuff, you won't just be at the mercy of his whims.

You don't have to enter a new relationship unless and until you feel like it.

It’s also clear the op deems him abusive and a physical violence risk but he deems her the issue, they both have a story to tell

@Bluntness100 Of course abusers like him almost always turn it around on the victim. It doesn't mean him saying that is true at all.

@Kerals26

I don’t want to be married to him but I’m scared to leave. And I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home. On the other hand I’m scared of what will happen if I stay, and what example of marriage I am modelling to my children. On balance, it’s time to go.

You are showing your children that no one has to accept being treated like this. This is a very important lesson for them to learn.

I'd argue staying is worse than leaving.