Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

Op, why did you move back honestly? It all just sounds so grim I can't imagine why you'd want to give it another go. Genuine question by the way I'm not being sarky

Oh God, just start the divorce proceedings. If you've got DC then hang fire on telling them until Christmas has finished. That should give you enough time for either you or him to sort out a new place to live for 2021

It doesn't matter what financial settlement you do or don't get. You need to leave him either way because you are unhappy and have tried to make it work and it doesn't. So I would stop dragging it out and just get it done.

Didn’t want to do lockdown by myself and for the kids to barely see him during that time.

Ah, it wasn’t really clear you only moved back for lock down. Why are you so scared then? How long did you move out for?

Lockdown is coming to an end, so it’s the right time to call it.

I am sorry to hear that Nanbread, and the potential link to your home life. Has it made you more susceptible to end up in a similar relationship? Or has forewarned made you forearmed?

Moved out for about nine months. Last time it was a separation. Divorce is scarier.

On this forum, women are very often told to make the decision to go while they are young enough to start again. I guess it is no different for men.

Ok so ignore his timelines and deadlines
What happens of you pass it? He ends marriage you want ended.
So get yourself sorted and organised, and go again or ask him to leave. There's no future here

@Kerals26

Moved out for about nine months. Last time it was a separation. Divorce is scarier.

Did you take or leave the kids?

Jesus Christ. If my DP said that I'd pack his bags for him.

Ok but how did it go for that nine months? Where did you live? How did you cope financially?

Actually thinking about it, you left before and he wasn’t violent, and kids are allowed to go between seperated parents, and he didn’t neglect the kids during that period,

Does he want you to move out again op? Is that it, and you don’t want to? Where did you live when you moved out?

So if you're not happy and he's not then why are you still together? Seems fairly clear the marriage is done. Also he sounds like he's treated you awfully and say that is just horrible.

9 months is a really long time to be apart and then get back together just because you don't want to do lockdown alone. I'd assume, if I was the one who'd been walked out on, after 6 months that was it, done. Then you've come back - was it agreed that this was a proper effort to try again or a cohabitation to get through lockdown?

I think it's be a bit of a head fuck, and he's already a gas lighting dick from what you've said so I'm not surprised he's escalated.

End it for your own sake.

I think you know that you need to move on from him. If you are worried about him causing harm to you or your children, you may want to contact a woman's refuge or an advice helpline of some sort. I'm sorry I don't know who but I bet with some quick research you may be able to seek help. I am thinking of you and hope you make the right decision for you and your children x

Thank you everyone 🙏

If you moved back 9 months ago, how can you not have mentioned divorce for over a year?

Surely he know when you were moved out that divorce was on the cards?

Because we had been ‘trying again’ for the three months prior to that, albeit while I was living elsewhere.

Your dc are so young, how much of their lives have already been blighted by all this. Have you inadvertently frozen him out of helping with them to cover up the cracks and his behaviour. What made you leave before, you managed ok then so why not again? You can pick yourself up, work and potentially find someone else too.

It's over. Divorce him.

This seems pretty controlling....

Please see a solicitor.

It's not up to him to deign to give you what HE wants financially!
If you're married I believe it starts at 50 per cent of all assets... And with kids, you'd be most likely to have the house. I think you'll also be entitled to some of his pension.

Stop thinking if things as "scary"

You are your own person, he doesn't dictate to you how your life goes.
If you divorce you both get solicitors and you will agree mutually on settlement. It's not just down to what he says he will or will not give you.

You need to get your big girl pants onand deal with this properly.
It doesn't actually matter if he has given you an unknown deadline which makes you anxious. Just end it now, job done.

I just wanted to echo other posters in letting you know I'm very sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like you have done the hard work of recognising the issues with your situation, and starting to notice that you shouldn't doubt your own fear and unhappiness.

You should do what's right for you, give yourself permission to think about your own happiness. I imagine that you may have pushed aside your own happiness for a while.

As you know - your happiness and safety is what is best for your children long term as well.

Thank you Edwardson. It so often comes at the end of the priority list once children arrive but you’re right!

I'll confess that I'm confused. So, you left him for 9 mths. During this time you also reported him to social services? Then, despite having been living by yourself with the kids, presumably as the main care giver, and having been worried about his treatment of the kids (why else call social services?), You then moved back with him rather than face lockdown alone? You say that you wanted him to see the kids during this time. What would have stopped that from happening if you continued to live apart? And you don't want him talking about moving on or you splitting up in the immediate future until your court case is over? Is this not using him or messing him around?