Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

Also, why is he 'getting to the end of his tether with your behaviour'?

What does that mean OP?

Deadline or not this marriage is over. You both want it, but are you both hesitant and being the one to finally call time?

Just call it. It makes no difference to the settlement who petitioned first.

Op, what do you want? The deadline is irrelevant. You must know if you wish to stay married or not and put in the required work together to make it succeed.

If you want to tell him, if you don’t, tell him. But this sort of thing can’t drag on Indefinitely.one of you needs to call it, and if you won’t, then he will. That’s really what it comes down to.

Just want to clarify - I’m not ‘always’ raising it - but when the abuse and pain has been too much and divorce has come up, he’s always said he will ‘honour his marriage vows’ and I have said my preference was on the divorce side as I didn’t think he could change his behaviour.

And then to make it clear you will move on, which raises all sorts of concerns about whether he will still prioritise our children

Why? Why do you think him meeting someone new will impact his parenting? Is something wrong there? You can’t expect him to remain celibate, but do expect him to prioritise the kids, and as you say “still” it indicates he does this now.

Also what does it mean at the end of his tether, what’s wrong and for how long has this being going on?

LTB

‘ Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? ’ Too right you are UNREASONABLE TO THINK THIS.

It is entirely reasonable to see this man for who is he is, & bring forward the end of this toxic relationship to protect your mental health & wellbeing.

Suggest you consult a solicitor to determine how his behaviours are grounds for divorce.

He is telling you who he is.
Take him at his word.

In my opinion he has every right to do this.

You have previously mentioned divorce. You can't expect him to be led along until you decide what you want.

If you weren't sure about actual divorcing you should have made that clear and given him a timeline.

He has obviously decided if you are planning to end things he will be moving on. And that's fine for him.

He has every right to say that unless you decide quickly he will make the decision himself.

@Kerals26

Just want to clarify - I’m not ‘always’ raising it - but when the abuse and pain has been too much and divorce has come up, he’s always said he will ‘honour his marriage vows’ and I have said my preference was on the divorce side as I didn’t think he could change his behaviour.

Then tell him . Stop clinging on. Just say you want divorce, job done. Don’t keep him hanging on when you have no desire ro be with him.

My ex said very similar to me about 2 years before he left me. ''working'' on our marriage ended up being contingent upon salvaged a series of changes my side... (the list keep growing....) I lost all dignity & and self respect trying to 'make it work'.. it was the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I got a text one day at work informing me he was filing divorce papers. He left for the woman he was actually already having an affair with.

Tell him where he can shove his deadline, and to F off out of your life.

Just leave him!

He’s emotionally abusive and this whole “secret deadline” is just more of him trying to control you

Like PP, I agree it’s fair enough for one person to say if you can’t work things out by x then you should divorce, especially if you’ve mentioned divorce previously. But with everything else you’ve mentioned and not telling you when this “deadline” is, it’s just more abuse

Clearly you’re both unhappy in the relationship so why continue?

If your preference is divorce, then get on with it.
You do not need his permission to get a divorce from him.
This is entirely reasonable.

Can you see this?

I don't understand why you're so hung up about the 'secret' deadline.
You both seem to feel that it's not working out and keen to divorce - get on with it, why prolong the agony?

Why do you care about this one issue? If feels like you're saying 'Should I be hurt that he stood on my toe? It's just that he's punched me in the face so many times, I can't tell what real pain is anymore..?'

I should give him a clear, triumphant 'I've made my decision! It's divorce! Doesn't it feel better to be put out of your misery?' and then turn your back and walk out.

There doesn't appear to be a reason to stay with this dick. But I guess you could entertain yourself with encouraging him to start over. He will be a right treasure I'm sure he'll be snapped up with his baggage, and whiney controlling nature. He'll be asking for a reference next.

@Kerals26

Just want to clarify - I’m not ‘always’ raising it - but when the abuse and pain has been too much and divorce has come up, he’s always said he will ‘honour his marriage vows’ and I have said my preference was on the divorce side as I didn’t think he could change his behaviour.

Just do it then.

No matter who is to blame in the marriage (and obviously we're only hearing one side), it's dead in the water and has been for some time.

Set your own deadline and make it soon.

He doesn't want to waste any more time on a relationship that wont work.
I would feel the same as him.
You're at a point where you either both commit to making this work for the rest of your lives, or you split up with enough time to try again with someone else. That's fair I think. I dont like the phrase "let's just see how it goes".

But you’ve already previously told him you want a divorce,and you left him
You cannot now be indignant that he wants to divorce and be free to move on
Do yourself a favour, divorce. Both of you be able to move on and end this toxic relationship

Plenty women consider their ability to start a family when weighing up whether or not to leave a broken relationship. Your husband is entitled to make such choices too

Wirral - He’s not happy that I have cottoned onto the psychological abuse and now firmly stand my ground, point out this behaviour (sometimes getting very cross but overall extremely patient given the extent of what I’ve had to put up with). See my pizza post before this one. This is a very minor example of his behaviour. On the other end of the spectrum he’s done things like call the police when I’ve gone out to cool down but wouldn’t tell him where I had gone, claiming I was suicidal when I wasn’t. He’s also bullied me into doing something (not sexual) that goes against all my moral standards and values.

@Kerals26

Wirral - He’s not happy that I have cottoned onto the psychological abuse and now firmly stand my ground, point out this behaviour (sometimes getting very cross but overall extremely patient given the extent of what I’ve had to put up with). See my pizza post before this one. This is a very minor example of his behaviour. On the other end of the spectrum he’s done things like call the police when I’ve gone out to cool down but wouldn’t tell him where I had gone, claiming I was suicidal when I wasn’t. He’s also bullied me into doing something (not sexual) that goes against all my moral standards and values.

Then why are you so hung up on his 'secret deadline'?

You've made it abundantly clear he's an abusive wanker.

Is this what you want for the rest of yours and your kid's lives?

He’s abusive. This is a facet of his abuse. Dangling a deadline over you to presumably make you feel anxious and on the back foot. You say yourself that you think this is what he’s doing.

Does it matter that he’s thrown in the idea of moving on and having more children? I presume that’s just his way of twisting the knife and making you worry about your existing children.

I don’t actually think this is his way of saying he’s going to leave. I don’t think he wants to leave. I think he wants to carry on abusing you. He knows you’re worried that if he meets someone else and has more children then your own children will suffer for it, he’s thrown it out there to make you feel obliged to stay with him for their sake. But you can’t just stay with him, you have to dance to his tune, not question him or talk about divorce again because if you do then boom, the deadline is up. It’s a threat to keep you in line.

What is stopping you leaving this dreadful man? He’s not ‘prioritising’ them now is he? Good fathers don’t abuse their children’s mothers and make them miserable and anxious on purpose.

So take your control back and tell him not to let the door hit him on his way out.
Call his bluff. He's enjoying this. You and your DCs are not. You need to protect them from this toxic atmosphere.

Sounds like you think your husband is awful already. If he’s emotionally abusive why would you even be considering trying to stay and make the relationship work? Why is it even relevant what he’s saying to you about not wanting to spend what’s left of his 40s flogging the dead horse of your marriage, given that you already think he is a coercive and controlling arse? You know you can’t rely on him to be reasonable anyway, so what purpose does all the angst serve about whether he is being awful in mentioning his hope to have more children in the future if your marriage doesn’t work out (as you’ve repeatedly told him you think it won’t)? Why does it matter what his deadline is? Are you seriously thinking you might still try to salvage this marriage? As others have said - call it a day.

The subtext of what he's saying is that you and your children are replaceable.

It's pretty awful really. I'd leave him to it.

Why are hanging on?what do you want? Just agree to divorce as amicably as possible and get it over with. Neither of you sound happy .... so end it rather than trying to score points.