Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

@Kerals26

1. Nobody who has not been in an abusive relationship would be able to list reasons they were scared of leaving.
2. There's nothing wrong with you that you can't put right. And in the nicest possible way, there's nothing special about you; we all have thing wrong with us that we could put right.
3. Have you contacted Women's Aid and do you have any support in real life, anyone you can talk honestly to?

Sorry about the situation OP, clealry your marriage isn’t going anywhere and it’s time for it to be ended.

Frankly him telling you to make a decision is the only firmly sensible thing here. You seem to already know your decision, in which case he’s right to feel frustrated. Make the decision and take charge of the consequences.

@Kerals26

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I generally agree. I do want out and have since I realised what was going on. But I’m scared. Sacred because I haven’t been well enough to work for sometime and he won’t tell me what financial settlement he will give me. Scared because I worry about what he might do to me or the kids in a white rage. Sacred because I have an incredibly stressful court case coming up which I worry about getting through on my own (maybe this is why the deadline worries me). Scared because I think he will not make much effort with our children (no a great father to date). Scared because I worry about their safety (once had to report a worrying incident to social services) and don’t want him having the children if I’m not there. Scared that he is right that there is something wrong with me and I’ll ‘never he happy with anyone’. Scared that I am over reacted and perceiving him as a sure when he isn’t. Scared of having regrets. Scared of ever entering into a relationship again after this. Just scared overall.

Ok, well that clarifies things because none of those fears are reasons to stay in the marriage. You just need advice and support getting out.

Looking from the outside in, you haven't said anything yet that would make me think this relationship was going to work. Abusive men don't change - he's really doing you a favour by offering to end it. You really want to spend any more of your life receiving "low level abuse?!"

Sorry to sound abrasive as I have been where you are (sort of). Needed a lawyer - and the school headteacher- to kick my arse into applying to court.

I think he has a point. If you are wanting a divorce, why leave him hanging?

My parents waited until my brother left to go to uni before they split up, when actually they had wanted to end their marriage 15 years previously. Why the fuck they thought that was a good idea I don't know - because they're now both pushing 60 with no signs of them even trying to meet someone else, let alone it actually happening. So now they're facing a lonely old age, with more pressure put on my brother and I to make sure neither of them feel lonely.

Things would have been much easier if they'd just split when they first realised they weren't going to be together for the rest of their lives.

It might be a bit crass for him to put that into words, but I certainly do understand the thinking behind it at least.

If there are safeguarding concerns regarding access to the children a court could order supervised visits. You need to formally log any incidents or issues. Have you sought legal advice? If he is threatening towards you, physically, emotionally or verbally, equally a court can make an order restricting his contact with you. He is relying on your fear to keep you in check.

Change is always scary.

You'll feel less scared when you have taken even a tiny little bit of control back.

Women's Aid is a great idea.

Have a look at the Freedom Program

It is NOT up to him what financial settled you will agree to. It is NOT up to

he won’t tell me what financial settlement he will give me.

It's really not up to him. My ex tried that line with me. I put in a very reasonable offer, in line with usual procedures. He fought it all the way to court, costing us both precious thousands, and the judge actually laughed. I got what I offered.

I get it. It really is terrifying. I've been there.
The scariness is overwhelming. But if you put all of that unknown and compare it with a future where you know exactly what it looks like, what it feels like, what you are going to go through, how the kids will grow up being in that 'family', is it really so scary?

Sure, he might be shit with the kids/maintenance/visiting them. But you will (eventually) be strong enough to support them through it, and to work out for themselves who he really is.

The unknown is scary. But not as terrifying as a future the same as your past.

Starting point for finances is 50/50 of all family assets - house equity, savings, pensions. Plus any maintenance if you are resident parent. Look on CMS website for the calculator, and the entitledto calculator to see if you will be eligible to benefits whilst you get back on your feet and into work.

The future really isn't so scary.

It is not just him who might get another chance of a happy partnership.

Go back to him and agree. Set your own timescale of 3 months for initial review to be extended to 6 if you are both happy. Be clear about what you expect from this relationship and his behaviour. Then listen to him (try not to argue).

Now you have breathing space over Christmas to make plans and steal yourself for the fact he is not going to change and you will be divorcing next year.

Oops, pressend send too soon.

Is is NOT up to you to make him a better father - that's on him.

@Kerals26

That is pretty much it - I don’t feel it’s unreasonable of him to say this but I also think that I am now numb to the pain he causes. I want to know what a normal, non-abused, person thinks of this behaviour as I’ve been so gaslighted I can no longer tell.

Your marriage is clearly over, isn't it? He is being deliberately cruel and manipulative.

Call his bluff and finish it now.

Time to go, sweets. He doesn't sound like a kind person who wants the best for you. Appreciate you're scared, that's what tends to happen when you get ground down living with someone who treats you like this. What other sources of support (?family, friends) do you have? xx

Well, all those things will still be there if he ends the relationship when it gets to his deadline. All it means is that he gets to chose the timing.

You are both making each other miserable.

If you are thinking and talking about divorce, you are just dragging the misery. Go for a clear 3 months deadline and follow through.

He sounds appalling!
I think we can safely assume he isn't going to do you any favours, anywhere along the line. Get that solicitors' appointment and start sorting your life out. He can have whatever deadlines he likes and dance about with rage when you don't care. You want it over, so go for it.

Op, are you implying he is also violent to you and your children? What do you mean what he will do in a white hot rage? What did you report to social services?

And of course he’s not going to tell you how much money you’ll get. You need to work that out for yourself. It’s not his job to do it for you.

If he is violent and abusive then call women’s aid and get out of there. Call social services.

It’s hard to understand this, because you posted about a minor pizza incident, where you clearly stood up to him and fast. Yet you’re now implying he’s a violent abuser to both you and your kids and your safety is at risk if you leave.

Yet underlying it all is a fear of money, how you will survive if he’s not paying rhe bills.

If it’s what you’re saying then call women’s aid snd get out immediately. If it’s not, then just tell him yes you want divorce and speak to a solicitor first thing tomorrow, start to get things like bank statements etc, so the solicitor can help you work out your package.

Your relationship sounds dead in the water. I don't blame him for wanting to get out before it's to late to make a fresh start and have another family....

Look, ignore his deadline. Its completely irrelevent, take back the control.

He is abusive, you know hes abusive. You arent going to stay with an abusive man for the rest of your life. So whats your deadline?

You need to start preparing to leave. Hes not going to give you any financial settlement, you are going to get your share of your money. If needs be you can go through the courts, hopefully it wont come to that, but the decision is also yours. Its up to what you will accept.

I understand your concerns for your childrens safety, but if you are genuinly concerned he might hurt them then you cannot have him living with them full time.

Irrelevent if your not going to be happy with anyone, you are not happy with him. You have a 100% chance of not being happy if you stay. So leave

He has probably got a six month dead line for you to take him back to the honey moon period.

It’s never gonna happen.

You take control of the situation and start planning your new life

@MrsBrunch

Well, all those things will still be there if he ends the relationship when it gets to his deadline. All it means is that he gets to chose the timing.

This.

It’s either you call it or he does, but he’s saying enough now. You either commit to making thr marriage work, which you obvs can’t do given the circumstances, or he will end it if you don’t.

So either way it’s over, it is really just if you do it or he does.

@LauraBassi

He has probably got a six month dead line for you to take him back to the honey moon period.

It’s never gonna happen.

You take control of the situation and start planning your new life

I’d have guessed he will get through Xmas and then end it.

@WorraLiberty

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce

See if I was married to someone who always did that, I'd tell them to shit or get off the pot.

Perhaps that's what he's doing with his deadline? You two can't drag this out forever.

Agree with this. Time to make a decision.

See if I was married to someone who always did that, I'd tell them to shit or get off the pot.

Agree, irrelevant of how cunty he is, no one takes that for ever, at some point every single human being says that’s enough, calls the other persons bluff and walks.

If you or your children are in any danger, call the police. Every time you feel threatened, you call the police.