to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

No there are lot of factors like that which make sustaining friendships a lot harder. Joining groups and volunteering isn't a magic cure all either.

Tbh this isn't my experience. I've made loads of friends at the school gates.

As someone who genuinely has no friends, I wish it was more unusual because frankly it's just a lonely way to live. Like Snuggy said though, sometimes there's no easy fix, especially at the moment!

I think it depends on the type of person you are.

If you want friends, you’d make the time regardless of how busy your schedule is. You’d make the effort to find those friends.

If you don’t really care for friends, you don’t go out of your way to make friends. Just end up having friends because they just happened to roll into your life whilst fitting in with your lifestyle?

That’s how I see it.

I don’t care for friends, I like my own space. I work part time and have enough time to go out of my way to make friends but I choose not to. I have through chance ended up making a couple of long term friends along the way however neither of us feel the need to see each other frequently. Maybe once or twice a year or sometimes in clusters throughout summer.

But we always pick up where we left. They’re easy friendships.

There was one friend I made but she is someone who likes to make friends, have friends and needs friends. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, it’s her personality and how she chooses to live her life. But I did find her overwhelming because I felt like I was in a full time relationship. Texting most days and meeting up every other week. Luckily for me lockdown enabled us to have a breather and I think she understood in the end how much effort I’m willing to put into a friendship, she’s carried in making friends with everyone she speaks to which is nice. I’m just really glad I’m not one of them. But she’d make a super friend if your into that kind of friendship. She’s solid in the sense she will always be there for you regardless what time of the day.

I've only got 2 friends. I used to speak to everyone at the school gates but I wouldn't class them as friends. I'm very much a loner so I don't mind and never feel lonely.

I can do chitchat with all and sundry. I can't seem to keep friends the way some do. I am always perplexed by people on MN posting about socialising etc in groups. It's very much 1 to 1 since uni days. Which seems fairly standard with people I know IRL. Group outings and holidays with friends seem the preserve of cheap soaps and MNetters

I have lots of friends from different times in my life - school, home, university, grad scheme, different jobs, hobbies and sports teams, neighbours, sibling’s and husband’s friends and neighbours etc. I find it quite unusual to think of how people can manage to have very few friends given how easy it is to meet people and so many people have the opportunity to meet others through work, hobbies, others etc.

But I have read many threads on MN which give off a feel of almost competitiveness friendlessness. Lots of people just say they have their husband and child and don’t need friends. I find this really sad, as one day, the child might leave home and if their partner passed away they’re literally left with no-one. And there is so much to be gained from friendships - both male and female.

So it’s not unusual to not have friends, but I think those who don’t have them are massively missing out.

@ShirleyPhallus I agree with your last paragraph entirely. It’s a very good observation.

Whilst I don’t need or want friends my kids really enjoy the company of other children. Unfortunately it’s hard to help my kids make those friendships because I find the parents of the child have their own agenda and idea of what they want for their kids.

Both my kids constantly ask to see their friends however play dates are hard because most (not all) need to take said child to football practice or see a movie at theatre or gym class . But when the book bag comes home, both my kids have notes from their friends saying ‘please can I come to your house or can you come to mine?’ But when I ask the parents they say they have arrangements .

I also realised that unless you’re friends with the parents, they’re not interested in the friendship of their kids at school. I’ve heard one too many times, ‘I like that mum, I hope my kids are friends with their kids’.

I think it’s really sad. I don’t feel the need to be someone’s friend just because our kids are friends.

Most of my friends I have met at work.

I have one friend from primary
One from school run
4 from work- I still work with one of them

Done!

I think some of it is linked to the modern desire and expectation of having things without putting in much effort. People want the friendship network but are not prepared to put in the effort to maintain it. That's not the case for everyone of course, but I do think that might be partly responsible for the increase in this in recent years.

I think @ShirleyPhallus has it right. It isn't unusual, but it is a bit sad imo.

I have a friend who has no other friends but me, she lives with her (quite spritely) elderly mother and has now given up work to 'save' her mum from Covid. They have not been over the doorstep since March and have no intention of doing so. They are very anti the vaccine as it 'may' have been tested on animals. I see no prospect but loneliness ahead for her.

I have friends from every time of my life, school, college, university, first job, childrens school, later jobs etc, we may go a long time between meeting up but we keep in touch and fall back into the same easy friendship mode that we always had. I value those friendships immensely and I get different things from each of them, as I hope they do too.

I have a very busy family/work life, but I want to make time for friends and so I do.

I don't really have any friends. I went from an abusive relationship to a mostly lovely marriage where we had lots of couple friends. These quickly vanished after he died. My ex dp after that had lots of mh issues and no friends other than work friends which he didn't really see out of work, it was just me and him. Since we split, it's just me and my dcs. The oldest 2 have moved out so I'm here with the 13 and 17 year old. Dd takes up a lot of my time as she has an eating disorder. She is depressed and can't go out at all. She's online schooling, so I feel I have to be here for her most of the time.

Smaller families and living away from family doesn’t mean you’ll have fewer friends though? My family has always been just me and my mum, but I’ve got lots of friends. Most from diff jobs and also school run, but also friends I have made on MN and and now RL friends with.

I live 45 min away from my nearest family, and over an hour from most of them so we dont see each other day to day. However I've made friends from nursery/school when my DC went there, from sports clubs, from work and I'm friendly with many of my neighbours. I'd hate to have no friends, I cant believe people would actively choose not to have friends.

I've noticed a difference in how people view friendship on here. It's been quite interesting. I've always had what I call friends, but I think other people might see them as acquaintances.

I don't have a group friendship, beyond the occasional gathering of club members, say. I prefer to meet my friends 1:1 and have a good chat. Was on a WhatsApp group chat with friends of a friend. It was pleasant for a while but I found it quite stressful to keep it up and contribute, so I left.
My MO is to invite people to have coffee out somewhere, but I understand that doing that is considered to be like asking someone for a date (I'm in my 50s, and that seems to be more so in the younger adult age group) so that might cause awkwardness.
I enjoy getting to know people and occasionally something sticks and develops into a closer friendship. If it doesn't, that's ok.
I have 3 friends who go way back and I do treasure those women and the conversations we have. One I work with and see daily, and the other two perhaps every 2/3 months. We're comfortable together and it feels lovely. We have been through pregnancies together and now three of us are or will soon be grandparents.
I do make the effort to keep in touch with all my friends via WhatsApp, even if it's the odd silly picture, but I am relaxed about if and when they reply. Some friends are at a different stage of life to me, with children and full time jobs, so they have less time, but we'll still meet up every now and again, or have the odd phone call.
I don't want a friend who requires daily contact or gets uptight if I'm too busy to meet.
I'm really fortunate that my husband is also my best friend, and that I'm close to my adult children. We don't revolve our lives around each other but they know I'm always there for them though.
I think it would be sad to have no friends at all. I have about 20 contacts on my phone, and that's enough for me. All are very important to me even if we're not in touch all the time. There is always room for more but I don't feel the need to go in search - ime these things happen organically if you let them.

I don't think it's that unusual

I also think some of the disconnect comes from how individuals define friends vs friendly acquaintances.

Pre-covid I was part of a group that got together to play games regularly, we socialised and talked about our lives, and I would say I was friendly with them but I wouldn't consider most of them to be my friends as we only very occasionally socialised outside of the activity setting. I know other people who would think of those people as their friends because they socialised regularly, and the fact it was a structured event didn't matter.

I agree that it's not unusual to not have close friends as an adult.

I had very close friendships during school, but once we became adults, we went our own separate ways and lost touch. I never formed closer friendships after that. In my case, it was because it feels like too much work.

After doing everything I have to do, I don't feel like making the effort to be with other people, because I don't enjoy it! As a very introverted person (sorry, but it's true-- and relevant here), I'm don't need much "people time" to be happy. I get all the social time I need from my husband and family (parents, sibling, etc.).

If that changes, I'll probably find that my priorities shift and I'll put energy into finding a friend. It won't have the same history as a 30- or 40-year friendship, but I believe you can make good friends at any stage of life.

I understand that if your husband is your best friend and he dies or leaves, you are suddenly missing a huge chunk of your support and there will be loneliness until you find another friend-- but losing your husband is always going to be life-altering and challenging. If I'm only maintaining a friendship as an insurance policy against being left alone in the event of tragedy, it's not going to be much of a friendship.

I don’t think it’s unusual but it is a shame for the people who have no one

@D4rwin

I can do chitchat with all and sundry. I can't seem to keep friends the way some do. I am always perplexed by people on MN posting about socialising etc in groups. It's very much 1 to 1 since uni days. Which seems fairly standard with people I know IRL. Group outings and holidays with friends seem the preserve of cheap soaps and MNetters

Really? You honestly don't, in real life, see or hear of a group of more than two friends having a meal together, going to the pub, to a sporting event, on holiday, shopping, a spa day....never? You've never noticed, either in your own life, or on the social media of anyone you know, a birthday party, hen or stag do, leaving party, wedding, or any other social event with more than two people? You honestly think meeting up with more than one person at a time is a rare and unusual occurrence? Ok....

I know what you mean about a group of friends; I’m always interested in how people are connected as I’ve not had a group of friends since uni and now just see people one on one.
@thevassal a lot of the examples you give there are different friends meeting for an event; I had 10 friends at my hen do but apart from 2 of them they were all friends from separate places. I think @D4rwin was talking about groups where they are all equal friends rather than brought together by one person.
I find it very hard to make friends but I’m luckily enough to have a handful of close friends from different parts of my life. It’s taken me a while to be at peace with not having lots of friends as that’s what I thought other people had.

Different between not having friends and not having those who live locally.

I have friends but I still feel lonely, especially since becoming a mother. I live with my dp almost 2 hours away from my home town so even tho I've got a handful of really good friends, they're too far away to meet up regularly. I've got one or two friends where I live now, one which I met at a baby group while on mat leave and another who is the partner of one of my dps friends and we get on really well. But im usually on my own all day with dd while dp works, and I'm pregnant with our second so I do feel like I've got no one some times

Re groups, I have one group of friends who all met when our older DC started school, and we all had a younger one so used to meet for a play etc. 12 years later we still meet as a group-we’re going out for dinner on Friday—and also meet 1-2-1 of course.

Have also got a group who I met on MN about 10 yrs ago, we are now all good friends together, we have a private FB group and chat every day, meet up when we can (we are spread all over the UK).

an almost competitive disdain for the concept of friendship seems to always emerge on these threads, but i know from personal experience where it comes from. my otherwise very normal but quite introverted parents didn’t (and don’t) have friends beyond one another. growing up, i found it hard to make friends as there was always an unspoken sense in the family that friends were unnecessary, an annoyance, or unreliable. it was entirely unintentional on my parents’ part, but the result was that i had to teach myself how to make and value friends as a teenager and you g adult, having never seen it modelled as a positive thing.

as a shy and rather friendless kid, i liked to feel i was ‘above’ needing a group of girlfriends or people to do things with - looking back, i was really just sad and envious of those relationships (and i’m seeing quite a lot of that in this thread, tbh)

I’m proof that it is possible to develop the knack of making friends if you want them - I’m now in my mid thirties and, despite being an introvert, have a few very close friends and a wide circle of acquaintances. i am very confident and love meeting new people. i feel bad for people who don’t have friends; they add so much to my life.

I think a lot is to do with social media.

Take my son starting reception recently, a post went out on a spotted page asking if everyone who was started wanted to join a WhatsApp group. I joined, I do the school run for the first 2 months due to being furloughed, walk in the playground say good morning to everyone, barely get an acknowledgement. I did chat to some parent’s, but the woman who set the group up is odd and doesn’t speak, yet every night my phone goes off constantly with messages!!! So odd.