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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

377 replies

faginssidekick · 15/11/2020 13:19

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/11/2020 05:30

The idea that having friends makes you needy. Only on MN where everyone hates social interaction and wants to spend all their time home alone. 🙄

I don't think it's unusual not to have friends but like PP said I think people without friends are missing out. I have lots of friends, I do not "need attention" as a PP said, I just get on with people and enjoy socialising. I can spend time by myself but I prefer spending time with other people. It doesn't mean I'm needy. You could say that someone with few or no friends is unfriendly or antisocial in that case!

PhilCornwall1 · 16/11/2020 05:41

I wouldn't say I have friends as such and it's the way I like it.

Work colleagues are just that and I never speak to them outside of work, it's something I've always maintained I would keep separate and have done for 30 years. They don't know me as such, just what they see at work.

I do a sport and have done for 16 years, some of the people I see there, have been there for that whole time. They know very little about me to be honest. They are all very nice people, but again, I like it the way it is.

Mimishimi · 16/11/2020 05:42

I don't have any really except on Facebook. It makes me sad actually. I became very mistrusting and cynical in adult life I think.

jennie0412 · 16/11/2020 05:43

It isn't unusual but it is very sad.

Sad
PhilCornwall1 · 16/11/2020 05:48

@jennie0412

It isn't unusual but it is very sad.

Sad

Surely it's only sad if someone is in the position of having no friends, but wants them? If an individual is happy with the way things are, there isn't anything sad about it.
jennie0412 · 16/11/2020 05:53

Well obviously Confused

But generally we shouldn't be solitary people, we are meant to be surrounded with people, whether it's one or 100.

If someone doesn't want any, good for them.
But generally, we shouldn't be isolated without anyone (other than current circumstances)

Temporarything · 16/11/2020 05:56

I am amazed at people I know having hundreds of friends on Facebook. I don’t know that many people!

In RL I make friends easily. Through the kids or work. These aren’t BFF type of friendships like I had in my teens or at university though. Where you’d tell each other everything and spend lots of time together. More casual, meet for a drink type of thing. Being a grown up with kids leaves less time for intense friendship.

I like my own space but I like seeing friends from time to time. I also made friends online (accidentally).

DH has few friends though. He’s a real loner. Doesn’t find socialising easy. Consequently we don’t have joint friends.

SexyGiraffe · 16/11/2020 06:10

I value friendships and work quite hard at them and as a result have a number of good friends (going back as far as uni) and a large circle of acquaintances. I live overseas and have built up a new friendship circle through a mums Facebook group and now have a little group of 7 of us who live close by and socialize a lot. Four of them, I would say, are good friends.

I WhatsApp chat with each of them at least once a week and see them each probably once a month (some more often). Pre-Covid we used to all hang out at each other's houses a lot.

I really enjoy having a variety of people in my life and although I don't have a 'bestie' (who I text every day and tell all my innermost secrets to) I have friends who I know would give me support if I needed it (because they have).

SnuggyBuggy · 16/11/2020 06:19

On a practical level having no friends must present some problems. My parents don't have friends and I worry what will happen as they get older and don't know anyone who lives nearby for example.

Friendsoftheearth · 16/11/2020 06:33

I love my friends, and would miss not having them in my life.

That said life IS really busy and there is very little spare time or energy, so it is not effortless - but the joy of having friends in my life outweighs the difficulties of fitting everything in.

Frazzlefrazle · 16/11/2020 06:41

Through out life I've had many friends but as I've got older and I change I find that a lot slip ou of contact which they then usually get replaced with someone else. Throughout high school I changed friendship groups 3 times. Then I had work friends but then we moved so didn't keep up contact. Then I had children and had a huge net work of friends but as my children got older and I worked more they have all but fizzled out with the help of covid this year actually. However I do have really great work friends at the moment. I never particularly find those friendships sad when they end as its just a natural cycle of out growing of people? I am more introverted though so maybe that has a part to play. It hasn't hindered my children's friendship I have always been one to let them make their own friends and they have play dates with who ever they like.

KitKatastrophe · 16/11/2020 06:47

I have three close friends. Friends who I would go on holiday with (and have in the past) and see very regularly - at least once a fortnight in non-covid times - Nd message a lot in between.

One is an old school friend, although we lost touch for about 5 years while at uni.
One is a friend from my NCT group who lives very close and her kids go to the same school as mine.
One is a friend I met at a baby group when my daughter was about 3 weeks old.

I also have quite a few friends who I usually see regularly. Definitely friends, not acquaintances, but not as close as the above.

  • the rest of my NCT group (5 others)
  • a friend from uni
  • school mums/neighbours (we have been out for dinner together, met up this summer etc.)
  • one friend I worked with a long time ago

I also have a lot of acquaintances. Other school mums/neighbours, other mums I met at baby groups, people I used to work with, my husbands friends and their wives.

Almost all of my friends have been met since having kids, I have more time now to meet people as I'm not working full time, and we have something in common to start a conversation with.

Bluesheep8 · 16/11/2020 06:53

I don’t think it’s unusual but it is a shame for the people who have no one

I don't have any friends by choice. It's not a shame for me.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/11/2020 06:54

I have three close friends. Friends who I would go on holiday with

This is what sorted it for me, where I didn't want friends around me that much. I did do a couple of holidays with friends and within 2 days of being there, couldn't wait for it to be over.

MerchantOfVenom · 16/11/2020 07:01

@Waxonwaxoff0

The idea that having friends makes you needy. Only on MN where everyone hates social interaction and wants to spend all their time home alone. 🙄

I don't think it's unusual not to have friends but like PP said I think people without friends are missing out. I have lots of friends, I do not "need attention" as a PP said, I just get on with people and enjoy socialising. I can spend time by myself but I prefer spending time with other people. It doesn't mean I'm needy. You could say that someone with few or no friends is unfriendly or antisocial in that case!

Totally agree with this! The competitive anti-socialness of MN is so bizarre.

I don’t know anyone like this in real life.

I have old friends from childhood, colleagues that have become friends that I’ve stayed in touch with.

And now as a mother, I have a circle of friends - we all met as parents of the same aged children, like each other, have fun and have become good friends, even though some of the kids are no longer friends.

I’m quite shy, and could be described as having some introverted tendencies (I need time alone). But I love socialising, chatting, laughing, bonding.

I can’t imagine a life without that.

MrGorksy · 16/11/2020 07:11

As others have mentioned, on Mumsnet there does seem to be some sort of competitive loner thing going on.

That's not unusual for a forum though. I know Mumsnet is hugely popular and lots of people are registered but often those that stick around and comment/start threads/become established are often going to be the more insular/introverted personality.

Forums do tend to attract those who may prefer an online life or may have little option due to their circumstances.

It puzzled me for a long time on here that even when people do have friends, they often seem an inconvenience. Their weddings, christenings, birthday parties etc are often a duty thing that people must endure. Imagine being asked to celebrate with people you are assumed to care about. The horror! Grin
I've never understood it because whilst I do have introverted tendencies at times and need time to retreat into myself, I love going out, going to parties and events.
I also love my friends and I think that what some call friendships are actually just friendly acquaintances.

It's really sad that some people say they're never able to make/keep friends.
I thought I was like that and found friendships really hard at school. I had a few good friends but we didn't really keep in touch when we left and I think that was me, I didn't put the effort it I just expected that things would continue as they had.

But then I found my tribe and I'm still friends with the same people 25 years later. We do all the things that some here find so weird or intolerable like group holidays, nights out, parties, day trips. We've got close relationships with the babies that have come along.

I've made other friends along the way but there's 6/7 women that I've known since my late teens that will always be there, I can't get rid of them.

faginssidekick · 16/11/2020 07:14

Totally agree with this! The competitive anti-socialness of MN is so bizarre.

For some it's not competitive it's just how life is. I've never been on holiday with friends, not ever been out for a meal with friends, never been to a wedding or baptism, never had friends round or been round to their house. I've been friendless right from as a child until now. People at work asked if I had Facebook when I started, I don't because I'd have nobody on it.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 16/11/2020 07:14

I wonder if the whole "I'm so deep I don't need other people" superiority is actually a way of being defensive for people who either feel judged or that they are missing out by not having friends.

Readandwalk · 16/11/2020 07:21

Possibly as people without friends are judged. I mean it's odd. Have they no social skills? How can anyone had a partner if they can't have the commitment that friendship requires. Think about if if someone came here saying my new date has no friends and has no need for them. Everyone would say "RED FLAG". If a child had no friends, another worrying situation so this sense of pride in being friendless dumbfounds me. I mean as a feminist ( which most people here say they are) surely meaningful connections with other women is essential. I know 2 people in RL without friends and both have scared or pissed people off so much no one wants to be with them. Yet this site is full of the friendless but proud types.

I'd be deeply worried myself.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/11/2020 07:27

I wouldn't say it's odd though. People move around and lose touch more and as you move away from your formative years there are less and less opportunities to forge worthwhile friendships.

Good social skills only help when you are actually in situations with the right people to become friends with. You can't make something out of nothing in my experience.

Oblomov20 · 16/11/2020 07:35

No, I don't agree. What you are referring to is an acquaintance. A mum you do pleasantries with at the school gate is just an acquaintance. Solid, deep, meaningful friendships are totally different and take time and effort. They wouldn't be affected by covid. I have 4.

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/11/2020 07:38

I have various social circles from school, uni and the various sports clubs I have been involved with over the years. I tend to keep a clear demarcation between the office and my personal life so work colleagues tend to be acquaintances at best. Several years ago I did have a bit of cull of my phone book when I realised that I had outgrown a number of people whose values over time drifted away from mine. Those people I call friends I work exceptionally hard with insofar as being there for them and and when I have gone through rough times in life these people have been absolutely brilliant in being there for me. When people say they have no friends I just find it a very sad statement

Fressia123 · 16/11/2020 07:58

I don't have any close friends that are local to me. The closest one is probably 3 hours away then 6, then across the pond. Sometimes I'm very down about it, others not so much

Valkadin · 16/11/2020 08:33

We are still incredibly primitive really and all give off a vibe. I am really an introvert but people like me so I have no issue making friends but actually don’t need people much if that makes sense. Not because I am superior but because I find being around people quite tiring as I can’t stand lots of noise. I have always been like that and get incredibly stressed in noisy environments. I was a librarian for a couple of decades, ideal job for me. I like seeing friends one to one if possible.

The only people that I really struggle with are people pleasers and avoid them. I like people to stand by what they believe if I think someone is agreeing with me for the sake of it, it puts me off them completely.

romeolovedjulliet · 16/11/2020 08:44

i gave up with friends 20 odd years ago and feel happier as a result, i know people to speak to but wouldn't spend time with, but i like it that way. hardly ever feel lonely as i wfh on a hobby that became a business and i'm my own boss.
reading about so many dodgy /flakey 'friends' of posters on mn just reenforces that i'm better in my own company or that of my dh and adult dc.