to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

I don't have any real friends. I'm resigned to it.
I've just become cynical and wary over the years. I'm very, very good at being friendly and chatting, and have very many acquaintances, I just find it impossible now to develop close friendships. It makes me sad if I dwell on it, so I don't.

@Charlottejade89

I have friends but I still feel lonely, especially since becoming a mother. I live with my dp almost 2 hours away from my home town so even tho I've got a handful of really good friends, they're too far away to meet up regularly. I've got one or two friends where I live now, one which I met at a baby group while on mat leave and another who is the partner of one of my dps friends and we get on really well. But im usually on my own all day with dd while dp works, and I'm pregnant with our second so I do feel like I've got no one some times

How far are your friends just out of interest? I know it’s a bit hard because of Covid. I met a good friend on holiday last year I’m in the North and she’s On the outskirts of London! We speak every few days.

I have lots of friends but none are from "the school gate"....

I’ve just been thinking today that I have zero actual real life friends - I have a partner but that’s it for adults in real life. I’m just another invisible person in a world full of invisible people.

I dont have friends.

I find it hard to make and keep friends.I seem to have a knack[for want of a better word] of getting friends who shit all over me.

They use me to get better friends[work]
Or they expect me to organise everything and run after people.

I do neither now,its sad but i know where i stand.

Maybe not no friends at all but I think it’s quite common to just have a few close friends.

The friendships that have lasted for me are from my school days. Although I lost my best friend a few years ago, she’s totally irreplaceable and I don’t think I’ll ever have a friendship like that again. I have two close friends. I won’t get to see them often soon as I’ll moving away but those are the friendships I know will continue.

I have met some great people through travelling, and work but unfortunately have lost touch. For me, it takes a while to get to know people and once I let down my walls I really value my friends and they basically become part of my family. I tend to have a social group of friends (those people who aren’t close friends but aren’t acquaintances either), and met some great Mums through NCT. I will be moving soon and I hope I can build a new support network. I think it’s very important from a mental health point of view to find some other Mums on the same wavelength as you- even if it’s mostly the children you have in common!

My little girl is 2 and I’d feel quite sad if she missed out of friendships. I’ll always tell her about my best friend even though she’ll never get to meet her.

When I was in my teens - early 20s I was quite the social butterfly with lots of different groups of friends that I would see regularly. Having so many meant I was always sucked into some sort of drama or bullshit so I just stopped bothering with them all, except three who I would count as true friends and who I know would be there for me if I needed them and vice versa.

We don't live in each other's pockets and only met up about once ar twice a year. We do stay in contact via whatsapp every few months and are always able to pick up where we left off.

But in all honesty if they left my life for whatever reason I wouldnt try and replace them, I'm also not actively trying to make new connections or friendships. I'm just happy pottering along and doing my own thing.

Reading the threads on here from women who would desperately like to make a friend really make me feel in the minority with how I feel about friendship.

I chat at the school gates because I'm chatty but I wouldn't call them my friends. I have no time for friends really as work is so busy. If I did stuff with friends I'd never see my family.

Same as @Venicelover here. I've collected friends through school, uni, jobs, interests and the dcs.

I'm always happy to chat to anyone - if people I meet are friendly, kind and funny, and we have reason to spend time together, chances are I'll end up being friends with them. I'm incredibly lucky that I work with so many like minded people.

While I don't need more friends, I am always open to making more. I think most people are friendly - and if they're not, I move on and leave them to it.

@calamityjam. I had a similar experience when DH died. Many people just simply stopped texting or spending anytime with me anymore. I’m not sure why that happens. Someone suggested that it’s because it reminds people that it could happen to them too?

@silverotter. This is my experience too. I get along very well with people on a surface level- get on great with colleagues, school parents but I never seem to get past that.

I don’t have any friends, and have never really had throughout school or work. It hurts like hell, and I wish it were different but at 45 I have learned to live with it. I wouldn’t say it’s through lack of trying either, I have tried things like joining the PTA when the DCs were younger, I also tried a few meet ups but with no joy. I live a quiet life these days, but at least it’s drama free!

I think for many people it’s time, and then expectations. Many years ago someone said to me not to expect too much from people. It really struck a chord and that’s what I try to do.
I do have quite a few, manageable few, good friends. Some I see in groups of 3 or 4 but also individually. Most of my friends have a shared interest of one sort or another with me and that’s how we continue.
I only have 1 friend made at the school gate, but she’s become a very good friend for years.
My husband has no friends really. He has colleagues and will talk to anyone but no close friends.
You have to put in effort and not be too assertive, give and take. I.e adapt your pace if the person you’re walking with walks slower than you’d like etc. !

I am happy in my own company but I have a number of friends. Some from work I met in my 20s, some from my kids' school, some from work. I'm meeting four or five school mums tomorrow via HouseParty as we can't meet up for usual coffee morning. Some of these women I may not meet one on one but most I do.
I dont have a husband so maybe that makes a difference, though I had friends when I did too. I'm just even more conscious of the need for adult contact so put myself out there to engage when I moved here ten years ago.
As for being friends with other mums so your kids can be, that's only when they are young and it did drive me crazy. But soon you'll find your kids make their own friends without parental interference and playdates are less important as they hang out all day with each other in school.

I lost my friends when I got divorced, none of them stayed in touch with me. I moved out of the village we lived in but ex-husband stayed so I suppose the friends dropped me and stayed friends with him.

Most people seem to have friends, I know over the summer there were lots of photos of meals out with friends, shared camping holidays and so on so within the circles locally group events are very common.

Another one here who doesn't have many friends. I'd like more, but find it hard to relax and trust people. I've drifted away from people I've called friends in the past because I've found their company has started to make me anxious for various reasons or because I've simply run out of things to say to them. I do currently have 3 friends who I feel comfortable around and enjoy being with, and they keep arranging to meet so they must like me too. But I'd trust nobody as much as DH, so he's my "bestie".

I have no friends at all. I left school early due to horrendous bullying and was home schooled. I didn’t go to college and worked as a delivery person so didn’t make any friends through work, I then met my ex who was abusive and liked the fact I didn’t have friends and actively put me off making any, when my kids went to school family said I would make a lot of friends but nothing, it just hasn’t happened, my kids are never invited on play dates or to birthday parties as I’m not friends with the other mums (they seem to only invited people they are friends with) and I feel like the ship has sailed at any chance of making friends through the school as my children have been at school for several years now, no other mums have ever attempted to befriend me and I’m just to shy to approach random people. I’ve accepted that I will never have friends. It seems very unusual though so I’m not sure I agree with the op, my sister is the total opposite and has loads of friends and constantly makes new ones, she will make a friend standing in the queue at Tesco’s, I just don’t know how she does it but we are very different people.

Yes I think it's unusual and I have never really understood the posts on MN when someone claims they have literally no-one to ask to do them a small favour, as they don't have a single friend.
Of course you have to make an effort to find friends and maintain the friendships, it won't magically happen. I know, I am living nowhere near family or childhood friends, not even in the same country, still plenty of friends.

Friendly people always have a lot of friends.

I feel quite reassured reading these responses - certainly a lot more 'normal', anyway.

I always had lots of friends at school and in my early twenties, a few fell away when I had children, but I made new friends with several women from various baby groups.

We moved away from my home town when I was around 30, and I didn't see much of the old friends, or baby group friends I had after that - although I was good about keeping in touch via Facebook. I came off Facebook about a year ago and it's been quite telling. These days, I would say I only have 2 friends. One friend emigrated to New Zealand 10 years ago and has a family of her own there now, so we see eachother only once every couple of years, but Skype monthly and text regulalry. My other friend lives about an around away and I see her about 6 times a year.

However, I am really close to my DM, she lives alone, about 5 minutes from me and I see her most days (pre-COVID; I'm CEV and she works with the public) and I'd call my DH my 'best' friend. I'm really lucky to have married someone I can share anything with and who has a sense of humour that meshes well with my own - I don't think anyone else finds him as funny as I do!

I do feel a little jealous when I hear people talking about meeting up with groups of girlfriends and enjoying parties and Christmas meals out with their colleagues, but I feel like I've done all that in my younger days and I'm happy with my life as it is now. I do have space in my life for friends, but I find it really hard to move a relationship from colleagues or chatting at the school gates, to a friendship.

@GG999

Friendly people always have a lot of friends.

You can friendly and not have friends, surely ?

@Flupibass - re; not expecting too much.. my friend used to have a poster that said, 'everyone is a complete disappointment.' Love that!

Like some PPs I have always made and collected friends. My closest friendships are a few from secondary school (I'm 50!), but I've always made friends easily. I don't like intense friendships though or ones that are based on doing stuff for each other. I prefer shared interests, humour and interesting conversations.

I feel really sad when people on MN say they have never had friends. It often seems linked to being bullied in childhood, making people wary, which is pretty devastating really.

I think it's not unusual, but it's still quite taboo. Which makes it harder for people who want to make new friends to meet each other.

I have no friends where I live. I have one close friend in Ireland and another few in USA. When I was pregant/had a new baby in London I got in with a group of new mums and it was great. If I had stayed living in that area I would probably still see them often.

I haven't made any friends where I am now and it's so lonely. I expect when DS starts going to school I'll chat to other people then but I also feel like I'm always going to be friendless here.

I work (and get on well with colleagues) and go to dance classes and gym classes when I can but I can't move from brief chats about work/activities to friendships. I'm not unfriendly but I'm reserved so developing anything takes time.

No idea if it's usual or not, but as a Billy No Mates without a single mate (barring DH and work colleagues) I'm a little bit relieved I'm not the only one who doesn't have any friends!