to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

I have to say that it's only on mumsnet that I've come across this no having friends thing.

I think it's probably related to heavy Internet use. What cones first? The chicken or the egg?

Most people I know do sports or hobbies, both of which seem to be particularly hated on mumsnet. I guess it would be hard to meet people were it not for those.

What do you mean by friends?

I have quite a few people I would refer to as ‘friends’, but I don’t feel as though I have any really close and meaningful friendships at all.

I find that the talking at the school gate and meeting up things isn’t always reflective of a good friendship. I know loads of situations where I have thought people are close because they chat and meet up only to find they moan about each other or meet up for their kids sake.

I dunno how usual it is not to have friends. I often feel like everyone else does have good friendships and I am the odd one out, but when the topic is bought up many other people feel the same way as me.

Yes I think it's unusual and I have never really understood the posts on MN when someone claims they have literally no-one to ask to do them a small favour, as they don't have a single friend.

I dont.Only child here.What part of people have no friends or have no one[apart from your partner] to fall on. Why is that so hard to understand. Not everyone has oodles of people to fall back on.

@AIMD

What do you mean by friends?

I have quite a few people I would refer to as ‘friends’, but I don’t feel as though I have any really close and meaningful friendships at all.

I find that the talking at the school gate and meeting up things isn’t always reflective of a good friendship. I know loads of situations where I have thought people are close because they chat and meet up only to find they moan about each other or meet up for their kids sake.

I dunno how usual it is not to have friends. I often feel like everyone else does have good friendships and I am the odd one out, but when the topic is bought up many other people feel the same way as me.

Well on a practical level I'd say people who care enough to send you a card when a parent dies. I didn't receive a single card when my father died. I'm no longer in touch with any of the so called friends that I had then.

I think it’s unusual, but then I agree with pps that a kind of competitive friendlessness quickly emerges on these and similar threads, and that Mn has an unusually high proportion of people who struggle with friendships or declare they have no friends/have given up on friendships/can’t deal with ‘the drama’ (the kind of drama I only ever really see regarded as normal on Mn as part of friendships — unrepaid loans and unreturned baby clothes, bridesmaid dramas, Wendying, school gate cliques etc — these aren’t part of friendship as I know it.)

I'm friendly but don't have a single friend.

By choice. Never felt the need or missed it.

Its really difficult for mom's to make friends through their children at school in oir school district. There is absolutely no way to communicate with other parents unless you are already friends with them

Some people make and keep friends by putting the effort in like all relationships they need investment. I've haven't been invested since I had DC I enjoy my own company plus I have 3 Dsis's all close it has hindered branching out to friendships.
I had a best friend for years she still is but lives abroad. I don't like telling my business in chat with her everything was out there we had the best times.

My friendships aren't as close now as they were at school but that's because we lived in each others pockets. I haven't made any new friends really since my 20s just acquaintances from the school gates etc. I do have a group of friends though and I'm closer with some than others but we do big camping trips/NYE parties etc etc (there's about 16 of us including our partners). I work fairly hard at my friendships though as they are really important to me and it's easy for them to slip away with busy lives keeping us from catching up as often as we used to.

Well on a practical level I'd say people who care enough to send you a card when a parent dies. I didn't receive a single card when my father died. I'm no longer in touch with any of the so called friends that I had then I'm sorry about that.
I had the opposite from one it floored me a card from her and her DM our DD's were friends for years but drifted. I'd love to tell her how much it meant.

Question: How do those of you without any friends break the news to a new partner? Are they bothered by it?
I'm also an introvert and have a few friends who I see sporadically (a couple overseas who visit once in the blue moon, one who recently died, ocassional drinks with my neighbour, then just sister etc)... I'm very content with that and honestly, after work am far too tired to go out these days. But partners have always turned it into a huge deal that I didn't have an active enough social life and made me feel like there's something wrong with me. It was also one of the reasons why I was dumped by my last relationship.
In the past I've tried really hard to make new friends, going to classes and meetups most days after work. Now I'm less social than ever thanks to lockdown, and friend passing... So have been wondering if starting to date like this is a non starter. Even when I was a lot more social, ex partners have been unhappy that I didn't have enough friends.
How does one explain not introducing new partners to any friends?

I'd be very very wary if a new partner had no friends. To be blunt I'd think there was something seriously wrong with them.

But then I invest in my friends far more than relationship. I enjoy a wide circle of reciprocal friendships and the support, interest and fun this gives to my life is invaluable.

8Question: How do those of you without any friends break the news to a new partner? Are they bothered by it?*

What a weird question.
Not everyone who have no friends havent got a long term partner.
I have,nearly 30 years,
I was always the weirdo without friends,More to do with my dm not letting me out and making any.

And the friends i did make,used me.You live and learn.

@Onetwothree456 if a new partner asked I think you explain it just as you have in your comment. I’m an introvert and content with my life as it is.

My husband is more sociable than me and often don’t get that I don’t want to see people or go out sometimes. I think highly extroverted and socially people sometimes don’t how introverted people don’t necessarily want to be out socialising every night.

I’m not sure why anyone works be bothered by it to be honest.

It feels unusual to me, probably because I don't have any friends but everyone I know does!

I've moved around quite a bit and always struggle to make friends. Just acquaintances at work who I never manage to keep in touch with. Sometimes it bothers me but most of the time I just ignore the fact and enjoy my own company.

So it’s not unusual to not have friends, but I think those who don’t have them are massively missing out.

I agree with @ShirleyPhallus and others, it’s nice to have a few friends from various times/areas in your life and plenty of friendly acquaintances. I live abroad so can’t rely on extended family and old friends for my social life, although we keep in touch regularly.

I know that if DH and the children weren’t living here anymore, I’d be fine as I like my own company and have some local friends- I don’t need a social whirl, just a few mates.😄

How do those of you without any friends break the news to a new partner? Are they bothered by it? No lots of people are in the same position as long as you have interests and social interactions even through work it's not that unusual.
No everyone is living the city life it is nice to click with like minded people.
Someone with lots of friends would put me off quicker I'd think they need lots of attention.

@D4rwin

I can do chitchat with all and sundry. I can't seem to keep friends the way some do. I am always perplexed by people on MN posting about socialising etc in groups. It's very much 1 to 1 since uni days. Which seems fairly standard with people I know IRL. Group outings and holidays with friends seem the preserve of cheap soaps and MNetters

This! I see a lot of "Oh yeah we do that in our friendship group" "So I sent a message to our friendship group WhatsApp the other day...."

😳 These are grown women

@VintageMemories

I agree that it's not unusual to not have close friends as an adult.

I had very close friendships during school, but once we became adults, we went our own separate ways and lost touch. I never formed closer friendships after that. In my case, it was because it feels like too much work.

After doing everything I have to do, I don't feel like making the effort to be with other people, because I don't enjoy it! As a very introverted person (sorry, but it's true-- and relevant here), I'm don't need much "people time" to be happy. I get all the social time I need from my husband and family (parents, sibling, etc.).

If that changes, I'll probably find that my priorities shift and I'll put energy into finding a friend. It won't have the same history as a 30- or 40-year friendship, but I believe you can make good friends at any stage of life.

I understand that if your husband is your best friend and he dies or leaves, you are suddenly missing a huge chunk of your support and there will be loneliness until you find another friend-- but losing your husband is always going to be life-altering and challenging. If I'm only maintaining a friendship as an insurance policy against being left alone in the event of tragedy, it's not going to be much of a friendship.

I think it's very very different if you have a husband or partner. I don't have either, nor do I have any real friends. Just my 5yr old daughter. It's a very, very lonely life

As an introvert I think it's VITAL that I maintain a few friends. It's so important for mental health...meaningful relationships are everything to humans.

You can get used to spending days alone but it doesn't mean that it's good for you.

DC3 I felt very lonely when my child was under 6...it took me that long to make friends with other Mums. When she starts school it will be easier for you.

I want friends but no one wants to be friends with me. Everyone seems to have better friends so they don’t need me or need to make any effort. They have their own circle. What can you do?

I used to have friends and know everybody... now I don't care at all.
I prefer being on my own, I don't understand why anyone would want two faced people around them causing drama I'm love my quiet non drama peaceful life.

My ex school friend had thousands of people on her Facebook and is very proud of it I feel sorry for her that she NEEDS people to function... Sad really.

I have quite a few friends. I have a best best friend and then we are part of a group of about 4/5 (numbers can vary at times due to life) that we all know from work. I class the full group as my friends.

Then I have a close friend from another workplace and we’ve been friends for over 15 years.

Then a friend I made when our children became best friends in foundation. Kids are now in high school and we moved schools a year later but all of us are still close.

I’ve got friends I’ve made through my hobby and friends I’ve made at the school gate. I would also class some people on a Facebook group I’m on as friends even though I’ve only met them once or twice. It’s been ten years on the group.

My children have always chosen their own friends at school and had plenty of play dates. I used to love having a house full of kids. If I was friends with their parents then we would tend to have more sleepovers but I’ve always encouraged my children’s friendships whether I’m friends with the parents or not.