to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

"Haha ,thats what most of us on this thread did,thats why we are friendless."

So true.

I tell you something though,im well primed for the Cheeky Fuckers.
I know their game and only being nice to get something from you.

but had soooo many embarrassing moments when I attempted to be friendly at playgroup/school gate etc and got shot down or ignored. It’s really hard work making new friends! And I do find working mums completely disinterested (and that former sahm friends ditch me as soon as they return to work

This is another example of having the entirely wrong attitude. You think everyone owes you friendship, you randlomly tried to attach to people simply because they were at the school gates at the same time as you...and you think there is something bad about them that they didn't leap at the chance to make friends with you!
People have busy lives, they have friends already, and they don't want to pick up new ones at school, on the whole.

You had some SAHM friends, who happened to be in the same situtaiton at the same time as you. That's nice. But you think they "ditched you" when they went back to work. It's not about you, they went back to work and had a whole different daily life, they didn't have time for the SAHM coffees and meet ups. You were situational friends, that drift when the situation is over.

It doesn't take long to separate the wheat from the chaff. You soon find out who your true friends are in life

You don't have any friends. You don't understand either the wheat or the chaff.

It doesn't take long to separate the wheat from the chaff. You soon find out who your true friends are in life

Such a relentlessly negative and paranoid way of looking at the world: as if its totally binary with "good guys" and "bad guys".

To be honest with attitudes like that I'm not surprised you struggle to make friends.

I mean this in as nice a way as possible but just try chilling out and taking it more slowly. Most people aren't either saints or ogres, they are people. You seem so determined for everyone to fail at this test, it must be exhausting for people meeting you!

People have busy lives, they have friends already, and they don't want to pick up new ones at school, on the whole.
I read things like this on MN a lot of the time - people don't want to make friends at the school gates, or at work, or when they're volunteering etc. It's just a lazy generalisation. Some people are interested in making friends, some aren't. It doesn't matter if you've met them at work, at your DC's nursery, at your local church or wherever - if they like you and are open to new friendships, they will be happy to take up your offer for a coffee and there is nothing wrong with asking.

"You don't have any friends. You don't understand either the wheat or the chaff."

Don't hold back😂

I did have friends that I did see on a regular basis years ago so do have an idea of sorting out wheat from chaff when you hit hard times, you know who sticks around...

The problem is as someone who has read loads of advice on how to make friends is that the general message you get is that anyone can make new friends at any point in their life as long as they try hard enough. It does sort of make you feel entitled to friends because you have made the effort. Obviously I now know that most "how to make new friends" advice is unhelpful bollocks.

It does sort of make you feel entitled to friends because you have made the effort

Sounds like a 'nice guy' syndrome - men who think they are entitled to sex because they consider themselves nice.

These are the qualities you need to make a good enough friend:

Always be cheerful and upbeat, until you have reached a level of intimacy about your true feelings, no one needs to know your life story

Have fun, be fun and enjoy yourself - people always want to be feel good and laugh.

Leave your judgements at the door, they are what they are, you are what you are. You don't need a mini me.

Be interested, ask questions but not too many, be willing to be open and honest about yourself. A closed up buttoned up friend comes across as guarded and not ready for friendship

Overlook some crap behaviour, no one is perfect, including us. Cut slack and let things go

If you are the organiser, then organise. Don't feel bad about being then one to pull it together. They may be rubbish at organising but great at listening or remembering your cat means the world to you. We are not all organisers or go getters. Some people are too shy and reserved to do it. Or fear rejection.

Be your own best friend, be confident - know your worth. Know you are a bloody good friend and others are lucky to have you. If they cross a boundary, tell them kindly and gently that it made you feel rubbish can they avoid it next time.

Ultimately you have to like yourself for others to like you. That is really the essence of what I am saying. If you don't like yourself consider therapy rather than friendship, and take it from there.

SnuggyBuggy

No one is "entitled" to friends. It's not something you achieve by scoring points or putting the work in. It just doesn't work like that.

This is at the heart of the problem for some of you, it seems. You seem to think if you tick enough boxes and do enough of the right sort of legwork you "earn" friends and you then retreat when other people don't see it in quite the same way.

It doesn't work like that. Friends either are or aren't. You can't force it and you are not owed it. A lot of is down to personal chemistry, and the only way to achieve this is to make sure you are as comfortable and happy with yourself as you can be. That may be easier said than done and if you need professional help, get it, it could change your life.

Friendsoftheearth has some good pointers though.

That's it - I overshare😬 probably not everyone's cup of tea then😂

@KatharinaRosalie

It does sort of make you feel entitled to friends because you have made the effort

Sounds like a 'nice guy' syndrome - men who think they are entitled to sex because they consider themselves nice.

It's exactly that.

If I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice it would be that people may say otherwise but a lot of people, especially those who have settled down, are not open to making new friends. No amount of putting in the effort or improving your social skills will help you here.

I read things like this on MN a lot of the time - people don't want to make friends at the school gates, or at work, or when they're volunteering etc. It's just a lazy generalisation

It's not a generalisation when you are saying it response to a poster complaining about getting knocked back at the school gates...its saying that people who clearly don't want to make friends with randoms don't want to make friends with randoms.
Amazed that people need that explaining, but there you go.

I did have friends that I did see on a regular basis years ago so do have an idea of sorting out wheat from chaff when you hit hard times, you know who sticks around

yes but you don't anymore, so you? You think it must be their fault but the common denominator is you...it sounds like you drove them away.

When you sort the wheat from the chaff and discover that you have no wheat, that's your fault. You planted it.

"yes but you don't anymore, so you? You think it must be their fault but the common denominator is you...it sounds like you drove them away."

Partly due to busy family life is why there are no longer friends from the past, and a distance issue as others settled but yes a few just vanished for no obvious reasons at that time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You must be perfect yourself up there looking down on others Fudge😆

No, I'm just honest. You're the one complaining

Wow, this thread got really weird, and some people with "no friends" are getting an undeserved kicking. And are being very gracious in listening to all the feedback. I am not qualified in any way to dole out advice, but I think you would make good friends.

Some people already have all the friends they need, and whilst you may well end up on the periphery with them, you'll never be a close friend because they have enough of those close friends already.

Thinking of 2 women I know who I like, get on with, we go on group nights out but I am not in their inner circle. One has a group of at least 10 friends from school/ college, one is also a cousin as well as going to the same school. That's a huge group of people she's know for 40 years and is super close to, they go away every year etc. She also has some close work colleagues she has worked with for 20 years, again goes away with regularly, etc. She grew up here, all her old friends also live locally.
The other one has a group of school friends one of whom lives 2 doors from her, is also v close to siblings/ SILs who live in our town, and has couple friends who have known her and her DH for 30 years.
Of all the people I know locally they are the ones most on my wavelength but they have so many other friends I'm always going to be near the end of the list!

Referencing the friend qualities listed above, I can tick most if not all those boxes. But that doesn't help if due to circumstances you don't meet many like minded people, or when those you do already have a fairly full complement of friends.

yes but you don't anymore, so you? You think it must be their fault but the common denominator is you...it sounds like you drove them away.
When you sort the wheat from the chaff and discover that you have no wheat, that's your fault. You planted it.

@FudgeDrudge Wow really, thank you for that insight.[sarcasm]

Do you not think we dont know that. We realise some of it is down to us, we are not morons. Sheesh.

You don't have any friends. You don't understand either the wheat or the chaff.

Quit beating around the bush, what do you really think!

@Frequentflier

Wow, this thread got really weird, and some people with "no friends" are getting an undeserved kicking. And are being very gracious in listening to all the feedback. I am not qualified in any way to dole out advice, but I think you would make good friends.

I don’t think they’re getting a ‘kicking’, I think some posters are trying to put their points across and are getting frustrated when it seems that other posters are hearing ‘Other people are users, and I’m too nice’, ‘Adversity is the ultimate test of friendship’, and ‘If a friendship doesn’t last forever, and survive significant changes in circumstances, then it was never a ‘real friendship’ — and people who admit to having no friends are claiming to know more about friendships than people who do, and/or regarding their lack of friends as a form of moral superiority and self-sufficiency.

"Wow, this thread got really weird, and some people with "no friends" are getting an undeserved kicking. And are being very gracious in listening to all the feedback. I am not qualified in any way to dole out advice, but I think you would make good friends."

Cheers frequentflier🙌

Hmm.... I don't think it is helpful to think of everyone as a user, true. But sometimes it just boils down to plain old luck.

Also, perhaps we are all feeling a little sensitive and/or needy in the pandemic. I know I am.

I think certain posters who are as bold on a forum would likely not be so bold and upfront in person.... personally I would only speak to someone on a forum how I would speak IRL across a table.

"Quit beating around the bush, what do you really think!"

😆

I don't know, sometimes when you're doing something that is unintentionally sabotaging yourself it needs pointing out.