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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

243 replies

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:24

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

OP posts:

39weekswithno2 · 15/11/2020 11:28

What should you do?
Keep your promises to your kids instead of getting drunk over zoom with friends.
Also, you criticised her for being on her phone all evening instead of watching the film - exactly what you did then?

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:30

OK so do you think she's cross with me for double the booking? do you think the kicking was related to that?

OP posts:

39weekswithno2 · 15/11/2020 11:31

Yes, I'd think it was directly related to that and I'm surprised you didn't realise that tbh.

FloraFlamingo · 15/11/2020 11:31

How would we know? We don't know the dynamics of your family and relationships.

It's a bit off for you to prioritise a zoom call with mates over a promise to your kids though so I wouldn't do that again. She shouldn't be kicking though - has she been physical like this before?

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:32

sorry for the typo @39weekswithno2, i meant for the double booking. just wondering whether you're judging me on that double booking rather than the thing I feel awful about which is the swearing!! weird.

OP posts:

SockDrawer · 15/11/2020 11:33

Why don’t you just ask her why she kicked you?

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/11/2020 11:34

Your 12 year old kicked you and people are telling you off for not watching a movie

I'd certainly have reacted much more strongly than you did! Seems like she's got away with booting you and doesn't actually give a shit. Saying the word shit to an almost-teen is nothing.

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:35

my life is really busy and sometimes double bookings have happened do to life and illnesses and unforseen events etc but I have made sure I do things with her like shopping, cinema trips just us 2 etc. surprised to be judged on that rather than the swearing!!

OP posts:

FloraFlamingo · 15/11/2020 11:35

I also wouldn't be laying myself open on here for judgement from random strangers in their living rooms!

Just ask her why she kicked you. Explain it's not acceptable and won't be tolerated. Apologise for the double booking and offer to do movie night again tonight or whenever.

And then just leave it there

SameToo · 15/11/2020 11:35

Does just read like you don’t like her. I’d look at ways to improve your relationship like doing a project she enjoys together.

rawlikesushi · 15/11/2020 11:35

You prioritised a zoom call with friends over a promise to your children, and then criticise her for using her phone instead of watching the movie?

I'm surprised you can't clearly see your part in this, and using the word 'shit' is the least of your worries.

Did she sleep in the bed that was wet from the leaked hot water bottle?

39weekswithno2 · 15/11/2020 11:35

I don't think it's a massive deal to say shit in front of a 12 year old tbh, especially after she'd kicked you which is not acceptable at all.
I do think the whole thing could have been avoided if you'd prioritised your promise to your kids instead of prioritising your friends. When you were chatting with her on her bed she likely knew you were drunk and got pissed off about being let down that evening.

LittleBearPad · 15/11/2020 11:36

It all sounds like a massive fuss over nothing.

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:36

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel phew thought I was going mad for a sec. but I really want to keep my eyes open and get uncomfortable views here too its all good.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 15/11/2020 11:36

Was she annoyed you were drunk?

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 15/11/2020 11:36

Did she kick you because her water bottle leaked I don’t really understand
It sounds like you don’t like her and she doesn’t like you maybe some 121 time with her. Agree with others you weren’t spending time with them why should she sit and watch a film... you should of cancelled the zoom call and kept your promises

m0therofdragons · 15/11/2020 11:37

I’d feel worse about letting my dc down over the swearing. Swearing feels totally unnecessary but how can you expect her to engage in the film activity when you yourself went off on alternative tech with your friends? She chose to chat to her friends, following your example. I think it’s weird you are so focused on the swearing.

Myneighboursnorlax · 15/11/2020 11:37

You say you don’t like her very much at the moment, and I think that comes across in your post, and no doubt she’s noticed it too. I agree that spending the evening talking to your friends instead of watching the film, and then telling her off for doing exactly the same thing, is worse than the swearing. 12 year olds know swear words, that isn’t the issue at all.

LittleBearPad · 15/11/2020 11:37

Shit is also barely swearing.

But you should have reorganised the zoom call

Sara2000 · 15/11/2020 11:37

Its weirder still to be so concerned about one swear word, versus getting drunk and prioritising a call with your friends when you had promised a movie night with your children. I dont think she should have kicked you but there is nothing more annoying than someone being drunk. Add into the mix hormones and being 12.

00100001 · 15/11/2020 11:38

You should have cancelled the zoom call...

You should ask her why she kicked you.

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:38

@LittleBearPad yes this often happens to me when I write it down. she does hate me though! am I messing her up or is this just typical pre teen stuff, I have been through it once already and thought my eldest and I would never be good again but we are. Still I worry I am a crap mum to her and she is just so strange...

OP posts:

rawlikesushi · 15/11/2020 11:38

Imagine a pissed, shouting, swearing parent sitting on your bed, one that doesn't care that she cancelled on you or that your bed is soaking wet.

She shouldn't have kicked you but I think you've got work to do if you don't want this relationship to deteriorate further.

dontlikebeards · 15/11/2020 11:38

Kicking is not acceptable and needs dealing with, however you knew your relationship was strained and still broke a promise to her in favour of your friends, no wonder she is acting out. Sorry but yabu.

00100001 · 15/11/2020 11:39

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

Your 12 year old kicked you and people are telling you off for not watching a movie

I'd certainly have reacted much more strongly than you did! Seems like she's got away with booting you and doesn't actually give a shit. Saying the word shit to an almost-teen is nothing.

Yes, the kicking was bad. But it should be found out why the kicking happened.

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