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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

243 replies

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:24

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

OP posts:
IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/11/2020 12:36

@vanillandhoney

I'm really surprised you didn't see the link between your DD's behaviour and your decision to pick your friends over her. The swearing is a non-issue around a 12yo, to be frank.

You had plans with her and decided you'd rather get drunk (in her eyes, not saying you were) and zoom with your friends instead. That can seem like a really big deal when you're 12, let alone when you're 12 and stuck in lockdown with very few other options.

You need to apologise for your behaviour and re-arrange the film night. Get some snacks in, both turn your phones off and have some proper quality time with her - it sounds like she's screaming out for your attention. Give it to her. She needs it.

The OP needs to apologise for her behaviour!

Words fail me.

MynephewR · 15/11/2020 12:36

Forget the zoom call, forget the swearing, forget the fact that she was on her phone rather than watching the film. She fucking KICKED you Shock
If one of mine did something like that there would be serious consequences not a mumbled "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and storm out of the room. Sorry but she sounds like a brat quite frankly.
Amazed at pp's glossing over the fact that she kicked you. Do we just expect our kids to kick us if we displease them in any way now? Jesus christ Hmm

cricketmum84 · 15/11/2020 12:37

You are being mega hard on yourself. Be more kind to you!

The kicking is unacceptable and I wouldn't even blink at someone saying shit to a 12 year old. Trust me they have heard far worse at school.

Maybe try organise a girls only night soon with a few treats, takeaway pizza, face masks etc to try build a bit of a better relationship. Talk more. It helps. It's really hard for our kids at the moment.

But most of all be kind to each other. It's the only way me and my girls (11 and 16) are getting through all this shit!!

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 15/11/2020 12:37

What on earth is going on with kids these days ?

We were pretty much left to bring ourselves up. We didn't get quality time as such, or cinema trips. Or even priotised really. We would not have dared to have kicked our mother. It wouldn't even have occured to me to do that. As unspoken respect was there.........I honestly feel we're raising a nation of brats.

YABU. For apologising to the little weasel who kicked you so hard you fell off the bed. 😳

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 12:37

If my daughter kicked me I’d be furious ans there would be sanctions around that. I don’t think saying shit is a big deal

I’d however have rearranged my call, earlier or later, and met my commitment to the kids,

I also don’t understand your logic that it was a shame she was on her phone ans not engaging with the world around her. Laying on a beam bag watching a movie is not engaging with the world around you, and you yourself elected not to watch the movie either so you could be on your phone on a zoom call. It’s hypocritical in the extreme.

I really don’t like the concept of criticising your kid for doing pretty kuch what you did. The old “do as I say not as I do” school of parenting.

I’m not sure it’s her that’s the difficult one to be honest. Other than the kick you behaviour was much worse.

Cam2020 · 15/11/2020 12:38

You let her down and you completely failed to see that until it was pointed out by others. Perhaps she feels that happens more often than you realise (from a child's perspective, not an adult's). Her behaviour was completely unacceptable but can sometimes be a way of getting attention. Perhaps she feels like she's lacking that?

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 12:39

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

What on earth is going on with kids these days ?

We were pretty much left to bring ourselves up. We didn't get quality time as such, or cinema trips. Or even priotised really. We would not have dared to have kicked our mother. It wouldn't even have occured to me to do that. As unspoken respect was there.........I honestly feel we're raising a nation of brats.

YABU. For apologising to the little weasel who kicked you so hard you fell off the bed. 😳

Seriously? Did you just hurl abuse at this girl ans call her a weasel and put forward leaving kids to raise themselves as some sort of gold star in parenting?

Seriously?

Littleposh · 15/11/2020 12:39

Double booking is an easy mistake to make.

Choosing drinking with your friends is a conscious decision.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 15/11/2020 12:40

@LittleBearPad

It all sounds like a massive fuss over nothing.
Really?

You clearly have a very different idea if acceptable behaviour than most people if you think it's ok for a 12yo to kick her mum

HmmSureJan · 15/11/2020 12:40

@JKRowlingforever

You say your dd is strange but tbh I find your posts ultra strange. You seem so disconnected and careless about your daughter. Your attitude reminds me of a Nancy Mitford novel
I agree with this actually. Well not the Nancy Mitford bit as I haven't read much of hers but I see what you're saying. If you're as disconnected from her as you come across maybe she didn't want her half cut Mum sat rambling at her and just wanted you gone.
Kanaloa · 15/11/2020 12:40

Not saying this is the same in your case, but I hated when my parents did this. My dad would go out to the pub rather than spending time with me then would come home and try and be really friendly but I didn’t want him to be friendly for 10 minutes when he was pissed. It felt fake and I knew he was drunk. Also, again not saying this was you, but are you sure she was enjoying the conversation? Chatting to a drunk person is rarely enjoyable for the sober person.

I would also ask if she definitely meant to kick you. From the sounds of it, she kicked you, you jumped up, then she said ‘my bottle has leaked.’ That sounds like she was explaining the kick/moved her foot quickly because of the bottle.

As for her being on her phone and not engaging with the movie, you were drunk on zoom, so can you really criticise her?

GabsAlot · 15/11/2020 12:41

she shouldnt have kicked you on purpose the swearing doesnt matter

she should be punished i whatever way you usualy do for bad behaviour

that age is very tricky i remember being 12 thinking my parent snever understood me and wold be gutted if they organised something then wanted to call their friends instead

Seeline · 15/11/2020 12:41

Another thought OP - you say she is having friendship issues ATM. Do you know what she was looking at on her phone? Could it have been that she was being bullied? The fact that she told you that she was on her phone might have been leading to her telling you what was going on?

You still haven't said why she kicked you - could it have been a desperate attempt to get your attention? 12yos rarely think through the consequences of their actions. Maybe she didn't mean to kick so hard. I assume this is not a regular occurrence?

etopp · 15/11/2020 12:41

Oh, who knows.

However, it's fascinating the way that on MN a 12 yr old saying 'my water bottle's leaking' turns into 'evil mum makes child sleep in a soaking wet bed'. 'My water bottle's leaking' could mean anything from a slight dribble coming out of a drinking bottle to a full-on straight-from-the-kettle exploding hot water bottle requiring at the very least an entire change of bedding, if not a trip to A&E.

A 12 yr old shouldn't be kicking a parent, or anyone else. Parent shouldn't be swearing at a 12 yr old, either (though the kicking is worse). It sounds as if everyone was at the end of their tethers (understandable at the best of times, and particularly during lockdown), and it will blow over.

Some children are more challenging than others (I have been through difficult patches with at least one of mine), but it generally works out in the end.

Rosebel · 15/11/2020 12:42

I don't think the swearing was that bad. She'll have heard worse at school. But telling her off for not watching the film when you didn't either was a bit mean. And calling her strange isn't nice either.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 15/11/2020 12:42

Bluntness can you highlight me 'abusive' diatribe please ?

As for the use of weasel, well let's face it. If the girl goes around kicking people she'll be getting called far worse. Hmm

cricketmum84 · 15/11/2020 12:42

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

What on earth is going on with kids these days ?

We were pretty much left to bring ourselves up. We didn't get quality time as such, or cinema trips. Or even priotised really. We would not have dared to have kicked our mother. It wouldn't even have occured to me to do that. As unspoken respect was there.........I honestly feel we're raising a nation of brats.

YABU. For apologising to the little weasel who kicked you so hard you fell off the bed. 😳

I actually feel a bit sad about your childhood. I grew up in the 80s/90s and my mum would ensure we always had quality family time and individual family time. I really don't think it's normal to have to bring yourself up in that way.
GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/11/2020 12:43

@Sara2000

Its weirder still to be so concerned about one swear word, versus getting drunk and prioritising a call with your friends when you had promised a movie night with your children. I dont think she should have kicked you but there is nothing more annoying than someone being drunk. Add into the mix hormones and being 12.
This.^ It's not the swear word. It's being drunk and a hypocrite. How would she write the letter? "My mom promised us a family night but instead I was stuck watching a movie with my brothers while she got drunk and talked to her friends all night."
vanillandhoney · 15/11/2020 12:44

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

What on earth is going on with kids these days ?

We were pretty much left to bring ourselves up. We didn't get quality time as such, or cinema trips. Or even priotised really. We would not have dared to have kicked our mother. It wouldn't even have occured to me to do that. As unspoken respect was there.........I honestly feel we're raising a nation of brats.

YABU. For apologising to the little weasel who kicked you so hard you fell off the bed. 😳

Well, after reading that, I have to say I'm extremely glad I wasn't "left to bring myself up" in the same way you were.
etopp · 15/11/2020 12:44

Also there are some odd ideas here about what constitutes 'drunk'. The OP hasn't clarified. A couple of glasses of wine isn't 'drunk'. If she had an entire bottle, she probably was. But the assumptions on here are startling.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 12:46

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Bluntness can you highlight me 'abusive' diatribe please ?

As for the use of weasel, well let's face it. If the girl goes around kicking people she'll be getting called far worse. Hmm

Calling a Child a weasel is abusive. And completely uncalled for. And what do you mean she will be called worse? By you ?
Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 12:48

@etopp

Also there are some odd ideas here about what constitutes 'drunk'. The OP hasn't clarified. A couple of glasses of wine isn't 'drunk'. If she had an entire bottle, she probably was. But the assumptions on here are startling.
The op says she might have been drunk and a couple of glasses of wine we all know could be more.

The op hasn’t treated her child well here. Of course the girl should never have kicked her, but I would look to what caused it.

She’s having problems with her friends, could be getting bullied, her own mother is calling her strange, made her a promise, then broke it, to spend the night on her phone, and then slags her off for doing the same.

vanillandhoney · 15/11/2020 12:51

@etopp

Also there are some odd ideas here about what constitutes 'drunk'. The OP hasn't clarified. A couple of glasses of wine isn't 'drunk'. If she had an entire bottle, she probably was. But the assumptions on here are startling.
But looking at it from the viewpoint of a 12yo, she may have seemed drunk - I think that's the point people are trying to make.
MazDazzle · 15/11/2020 12:51

I double booked as well. Same situation as you, but I chose movie night with the kids. What a mistake! They bickered and my 12 year old daughter was a misery. Even when kids have everything they want/need they can still be difficult.

It is not okay for your DD to kick you. You swearing was an outburst in direct response to that. Her actions were completely wrong, yours were understandable and you apologised.

I’m in the middle of reading ‘Get Out of My Life - guide to 21st century teenagers’.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/11/2020 12:57

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