was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

[embarasseddd12]

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

I have rtft, so sorry if I missed it, have you since asked her why she kicked you?
She's 12, old enough to know that kicking someone is wrong.
You probably shouldn't have swore, and that maybe was caused by being tipsy/drunk, whatever and maybe it would've been better to either have a quick zoom catch up and then get back to the film with the kids or rescheduled the zoom - but hindsight is always 20/20!

our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
This is the only important part for me to be honest, everything else is symptomatic of your relationship with her. It sounds desperately sad, she is struggling with her friendships and hormones and it sounds as though you and her have never rely had a relationship. She needs you. Do you very spend one on one time with just her?

It really sounds like you dont like her at all. You sound completely detached

This whole thing is just really bizarre. Did she mean to kick you? Was it just random? There was no lead up?

Were you or were you not drunk?

It sounds like she wanted to spend time with you, and is cross you ditched her. Hence why she told you she didnt watch the film. She was probably also cross you were drunk.

She shouldnt have kicked you but your whole attitude to her just seems a bit odd to me

Actually, sorry, wasn’t paying attention and had it in my head she is 7, not 12. Kicking you at 12 is serious.

However 12 year olds are at such a difficult age. Completely between feeling like kids and wanting to be grown up, but treated sometimes like kids, sometimes like grown ups.

Probably hormonal, too.

Lots and lots of listening required.

She was probably upset that you didn’t watch the film, felt excluded from your adult ‘party’, felt upset with herself for feeling like a ‘baby’ in her disappointment but translated that into anger at you, and probably felt v upset at kicking you.

I was non stop emotional turmoil 11-13.

@embarasseddd12

OK so do you think she's cross with me for double the booking? do you think the kicking was related to that?

Duh -yes! Also you've some cheek to criticise her not watching the film when you sacked her off for your pals

It sounds very odd that she’d ‘kick’ you apropos of nothing (you have not mentioned if she accompanied it by saying ‘get out’ or the like). It is much more likely that she felt the water come out and her involuntary reaction was to move her legs away, kicking you in the process.

What sounds even odder is your reaction to swear and bolt out the room instead of asking ‘what was that dd? then waiting to remove the hot water bottle and change the bed.

You continued it on in the morning and sound very quick to take offence.

I’d be checking in on myself.

She should not have kicked you, I wouldn’t stand for that
But you have decided she’s difficult and strange and as she’s going through a lot of changes maybe she is but you need to make sure she knows you love her and you need to listen when/if she talks.
At that age you can’t force it so you have to be ready to engage when they are ready to talk.
And if you double book unless there’s a VERY good reason you dontbcancel your children

Please can you clarify if the water bottle leaked or not? Because it sounds like the most obvious and understandable reason for an out-of-the-blue foot move in the situation you describe and if it was the cause, then I'd stop going on about it, not punish her and forget about the swearing.

I do think choosing your zoom over the DC when you specifically set up the night to cheer them up is a bit odd. Plus being drunk means your sense of what happened after is distorted. But I still think the kick is probably just the water bottle reaction. It'd be super random otherwise.

Imagine a pissed, shouting, swearing parent sitting on your bed, one that doesn't care that she cancelled on you or that your bed is soaking wet.

1. She wasn't shouting and swearing until after she was kicked
2. I don't think I'd give a shit about her leaked water bottle after she's kicked me - she's 12, she can take the bed sheet off herself

It's far far easier to rearrange a movie night than a Zoom call; getting everyone to agree a night and time can be a nightmare.

It shouldn't be beyond a 12 year old to understand that sometimes shit happens and the movie night will happen tomorrow.

She is a different child to your other children. You have to adapt to her and the person she actually is, instead of expecting her to fall in line with her siblings' personalities for your convenience.

It's also a bit rich for you to be here complaining about people judging you when you've just recounted the judgemental comments you made to your child.

Blimey if a person that age kicked me for not watching a film with them, i would not get hung up about saying the word shit, I would be wondering how to change their entitled attitude. 12 is a horrible age, but no excuse for this behaviour. I can’t believe people are berating you for a zoom chat with friends ffs. You are allowed to have time away from you children, they are allowed to experience disappointment, it’s life I’m afraid.

My dd is also stubborn and headstrong and a real challenge to parent at times. But she is also kind, funny and fiercely loyal. If she kicked me out of the blue like that I would be shocked and then worried sick as it is so out of character.

12 is a funny age, they are changing, growing up and beginning to become more independent but actually they lean on you for reassurance much more. I would try and find out exactly what is going on. She may be difficult but she needs you.

Some pp’s seem to be on a different planet to me!
You (the adult) had a zoom call with friends. Yes, you double booked and that’s life! You set your kids up with the movie, saw your friends. I would have done exactly that!
You might have been annoying her about the room colour but she kicked you. That is seriously unacceptable and I would have been livid. Shit is not a bad swear in my book and there’s no way I would have apologised for using it after being bloody kicked! She was irritated by you, the zoom, the movie, being premenstrual WHATEVER. That doesn’t mean she gets to kick you. Phone would be gone. Sheets changed by her and I’d expect an apology from her. Then arrange a movie tonight and stick to it.

She sounds a bit like my eldest. She was kicky and rude. Unable to manage/ regulate emotions. She also would say she was bored and walk away from conversations. I got some advice re anger management but now at 17 we are belatedly trying to get her assessed for ASC. I think she probably has ADD and these things are very under diagnosed in girls but lockdown had been a disaster and somewhat magnified her needs as she is totally unable to self motivated and her mental health has really suffered too. Try not to take the comments personally. When my DD is calm she is sad about how she treats me but seems to have little control over it when triggered in any way. It is like being in an abusive relationship that you cannot leave. Hang in there and keep loving her but maybe explore if there could be an underlying issue.

My biggest concern would be leaving her in a wet bed! I don’t think the swearing in itself is a problem, more the message you were putting across - that you didn’t care if she was sleeping in a wet bed!

I also don’t think you should have criticised her for looking at her phone during a movie. If it was quality family time you should have been watching too, not on a zoom call!

The way you talk about your dd is so odd! Like you don’t really give a shit.

She kicked you.

You used a swear word.

One of those actions is illegal.

And I don't think you feeling guilty is going to improve things here.

Neither do I think her choosing her phone over the film was really bad or you doing a zoom call rather than sitting in silence in a room with your kids.

But don't excuse or minimise her behaviour.

Total over reaction on both sides, a 12 year old should really understand, and why on earth are people calling you 'pissed' after a couple of glasses of wine. Pre-teens can be very tricky ... I've been there and got through to the other side and I've said much worse to my DS.

Honestly, just forget about it.

I'm really surprised you didn't see the link between your DD's behaviour and your decision to pick your friends over her. The swearing is a non-issue around a 12yo, to be frank.

You had plans with her and decided you'd rather get drunk (in her eyes, not saying you were) and zoom with your friends instead. That can seem like a really big deal when you're 12, let alone when you're 12 and stuck in lockdown with very few other options.

You need to apologise for your behaviour and re-arrange the film night. Get some snacks in, both turn your phones off and have some proper quality time with her - it sounds like she's screaming out for your attention. Give it to her. She needs it.

We're you drunk OP? Why won't you answer this? I knew when mine were drunk and it annoyed me. Drunk people are annoying, silly and sentimental when they think they're being perfectly normal. A "few glasses of wine" would make me like that. Having to manage drunk people gets on your last nerve and it's even worse when you're only 12 especially when your relationship with the person is difficult and their interest in you feels false and that it is only because they've been drinking.

How old are her siblings?
I bet the older ones were probably on their phones too and not really watching the film.

You say you find your DD difficult - it sounds as though you have just given up on her.

You know how you can’t control the weather? Well it’s like this with (nearly) teens. Enjoy the sunshine, moan about the rain and accept that things will be different in the future.
You just have to get through it, the same as your kids will.

Did she kick you deliberately or did she kick out because there was water,leaking everywhere?

Why did you criticise her for now watching the film when you didn’t either?

I can’t believe a 12 year old is going to be traumatised by you saying shit!

You say your dd is strange but tbh I find your posts ultra strange. You seem so disconnected and careless about your daughter. Your attitude reminds me of a Nancy Mitford novel