was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

[embarasseddd12]

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

I think when a child is clearly not liked by a parent you gave to cut them more slack than a child brought up in a loving home.

I wouldn't tolerate a kick from my 11 year old but she is loved, knows she is loved and liked and valued.

The OPs daughter doesn't have that and is more likely to act out as a result. It is difficult growing up knowing you are barely tolerated. The OP has shown that she picks on her daughter a lot the fact that after attempting to resolve one issue she jumps right in to make another issue about the daughter using her phone gives an idea about how picked on the daughter may feel on a daily basis. Walking on eggshells in your own home, not knowing if what you are going to say is going to get a bad reaction is hard.

The OPs family isn't a normal family and imo normal rules don't apply to the daughter. Of course she shouldn't kick but I imagine it is part of a much larger issue.

I have to wonder why the op posted.

I dint think saying shit is something to worry about. I’ve said way worse. I’d be a absolutely furious if my daughter kicked me though! That’s the problem here! It’s a rubbish age for friendship problems, I have a 14 year old girl, friendship problems are the bane of my life but I’d definitely be doing more about the kicking. Totally unacceptable.

I think telling her off fir but watching a family movie when you didn't watch it is daft. Was the kicking deliberate? Or related to the hot water bottle leaking?

@rawlikesushi

Imagine a pissed, shouting, swearing parent sitting on your bed, one that doesn't care that she cancelled on you or that your bed is soaking wet.

She shouldn't have kicked you but I think you've got work to do if you don't want this relationship to deteriorate further.

^^ this really shocked at the comments.

I get the impression that you set up stuff so that she will fail then get upset with her that she didn’t enjoy it.

I also think it wasn’t the first time you have “double booked” yourself. Each time is another time you have let her down.

The fact you called her behaviour tricky when she was an infant makes me wonder if this is an issue you have manifested and she was acting out the role you have created for her.

Agree with others that there is more to this than just a stroppy adolescent.

'Double booking' your child is NOT a booking. You spent time getting drunk on a call with friends rather than keep a promise to your child... Grow up OP. This thread can't be for real.

@Oliversmumsarmy

I get the impression that you set up stuff so that she will fail then get upset with her that she didn’t enjoy it.

I also think it wasn’t the first time you have “double booked” yourself. Each time is another time you have let her down.

The fact you called her behaviour tricky when she was an infant makes me wonder if this is an issue you have manifested and she was acting out the role you have created for her.

Agree with others that there is more to this than just a stroppy adolescent.

Absolutely a 100%

[quote embarasseddd12]@rawlikesushi imagine there was no shouting or drunkeness just a couple of glasses of wine. but yes I get your point. zoom call happened as friends are really down at the moment, kids also were there to say hi (breifly) as they are close friends. but yes to others relationship with dd is difficult at the moment[/quote]
'Friends are down at the moment' jesus the more I read your posts the more angry I get! Calling your daughter 'STRANGE' look in the mirror love. I feel sorry for her.

@WhatTheFuckHappenedHere

The way you talk about your daughter is awful. Maybe you need to think about that rather any perceived flaw with her. You also sound remarkably childish. The way you write is bizarre.

This. Agree a 1000000000000%

@OuiOuiKitty

I think when a child is clearly not liked by a parent you gave to cut them more slack than a child brought up in a loving home.

I wouldn't tolerate a kick from my 11 year old but she is loved, knows she is loved and liked and valued.

The OPs daughter doesn't have that and is more likely to act out as a result. It is difficult growing up knowing you are barely tolerated. The OP has shown that she picks on her daughter a lot the fact that after attempting to resolve one issue she jumps right in to make another issue about the daughter using her phone gives an idea about how picked on the daughter may feel on a daily basis. Walking on eggshells in your own home, not knowing if what you are going to say is going to get a bad reaction is hard.

The OPs family isn't a normal family and imo normal rules don't apply to the daughter. Of course she shouldn't kick but I imagine it is part of a much larger issue.

And this.

By 12 years old she should know that physically assaulting people because she has had a small disappointment is unacceptable.

Would she do that to a school friend who had to reorganise a get-together? I hope not!

@SimoneLeBone

You what? *@Redolent*

Your response to my post shows how things immediately become skewed on MN.

I don't think that time spent with one's own family is "slavish". I have spent the past 20 years devoting myself to my children, so am no stranger to putting myself out for my offspring. However, given that the OP evidently also spends a lot of time with her DD, and facilitating her DD's life, I do think - in the context of a family where the parent/s spend a lot of time with their children - it sounds as it would be "slavish" to continue with a movie night that nobody in the family is that bothered about.

As for smartphones: my house has about 4,000 books in it, and I write books so am no stranger to them. I don't have a smartphone, as I hate them. Only one of my teenagers (the youngest - 16) has a smartphone, which she saved up for, and the others prefer books. However, I'm not stupid enough to think that phones aren't a huge draw for a very large number of teens and pre-teens.

It’s great that you have so many books and don’t have a smartphone (not being sarcastic). But that means you’re even less likely to understand their addictive qualities and how they can inhibit enjoyment of other activities such as reading, and the development of fulfilling hobbies.

I’m mainly responding to you say something ‘Of course most 12 years would prefer being on their smartphone to watching a movie’. Implication being: just leave them to it:

To me, that’s just so defeatist, and not even accurate. It’s terrible parenting advice. Just because they gravitate to their phone - it’s the default, easy, addictive thing to do - that doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t want to do anything else.

They just need to be encouraged, gently and in an empathetic way. And they should. How sad if children aren’t given the space to develop interests because we assume they just want to be hooked on their phones all the time.

If Family Movie Time is dressed by all, then yes it should be ditched. But I haven’t seen enough to suggest that’s the case. In an alternate world, if OP had turned up the movie night, they might have all had a good time. Who knows.

Is dreaded*

We still don't know the reason for the kick, or if it was even intentional......

OP seems intent on providing material stuff for her DD. Doesn't seem to know her DD at all.

If mine was going through friendship problems, possible dyslexia DX etc I would be spending time with her, trying to get to the bottom of things.

I am also sure that the DD is fully aware of how her mother feels about her

Kicking is wrong - so clearly something to deal with.

However, although the kick came out of the blue to you... perhaps it didn't for your daughter. Some anger/frustration was there but you didn't see it or the reasons for it. This is something to deal with. (It is the reason your post is sounding cold and odd to others here I think.)

Loving and liking are not the same thing. Not always liking your child is understandable but behaving badly towards her on occasions when you don't like her it is not acceptable.

See I never used to think we deserved to be called a nest of vipers but now it could probably be justified.