was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

[embarasseddd12]

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

So her water bottle DID leak? So there's every possibility she kicked/lashed out because the cold water spilt on her? I hope you apologise to her if that's the case.

Cold water drips on me so I can kick you? It was a bit odd f cold water, hardly a fucking waterfall!

Really? Such low standards you expect the f your children.

Shocking

@ForTheLoveOfSleep
Some wine does not equal a drunk, pissed or rambling parent, most ppl can have a few glasses and still be fully functioning.
Heaven forbid parents don’t pander to kids 24/7, she’s 12 not 2 and in a room with her siblings not abandoned in a cupboard ffs.
No wonder we have so many spoiled entitled brats.

Do you mind if I don't engage with you anymore? You're clueless and it's getting tedious. Thanks

@JesusInTheCabbageVan that suits me just fine, the best way to do this is to not answer me?

You do not like anyone daring to disagree with you, maybe the explanation of the poor relationship with your parents?

Do you mind if I don't engage with you anymore? You're clueless and it's getting tedious. Thanks

The posters right. Just ignore, everyone else is.

The posters right. Just ignore, everyone else is.

Apart from @Bluntness100 and @JesusInTheCabbageVan ! They're totally interacting with me!

@Bookworming

So her water bottle DID leak? So there's every possibility she kicked/lashed out because the cold water spilt on her? I hope you apologise to her if that's the case.

Cold water drips on me so I can kick you? It was a bit odd f cold water, hardly a fucking waterfall!

Really? Such low standards you expect the f your children.

Shocking

Well, I know if cold water dripped or fell on my leg and made me jump, my reflex would be to kick out to get it off me.

Maybe I have low expectations of myself?

I’m judging you more for the zoom booking than the swearing.
The swearing was the result of a kick and although not great, it happens.
Palming your kids off with a film whilst you get pissed on zoom with your friends to then judge your daughter for missing the film because she was on the phone (probably chatting with friends).

You need to work on your relationship with your daughter, you don’t even seem to care that you come across as hating her.

*Well, I know if cold water dripped or fell on my leg and made me jump, my reflex would be to kick out to get it off me.

Maybe I have low expectations of myself?*

Cold water? Not ice blocks?
Drips? Not a torrent or waterfall?
Kick out? Or kick so hard as to nearly kick your mother off the bed?

Low expectations? Or ridiculous expectations?

I can quite honestly say the drips of a cold water would never make me react so violently! 🤷‍♂️

Imagine in a business meeting you drip cold water on yourself and you kick your colleague!

Just hilarious the thought!

If hot water leaked on me I'd probably kick out. Not to hurt someone but because it bloody hurts me.
Did you actually spend the whole length of the film talking to your friend? Couldn't you have had a shorter conversation and put the film on later? You have basically told your children they are less important than your friends.
It sounds a very stained relationship and it's not going to get better by breaking your promises to your daughter. It seems to me that all you want is for her to be grown up and mature. Sorry, she's 12 not 20!

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

What on earth is going on with kids these days ?

We were pretty much left to bring ourselves up. We didn't get quality time as such, or cinema trips. Or even priotised really. We would not have dared to have kicked our mother. It wouldn't even have occured to me to do that. As unspoken respect was there.........I honestly feel we're raising a nation of brats.

YABU. For apologising to the little weasel who kicked you so hard you fell off the bed. 😳

Speak for yourself! (apart from the respect part)

I wasn't left to 'bring myself up' and nor were my children or grandchildren

If my 12 year old kicked me, I'd go right through them.
Your daughter got off very lightly.

Agree with everything @Oblomov20 and @Bookworming have said.

I would choose to chat with friends (especially during a lockdown, when I can't see them!) than slavishly sit through a Family Movie Night on the sofa.

The OP evidently does lots with and for her DD, and doesn't deserve to be kicked for chatting to her friends and having a drink. Though if the OP's DD spent Movie Night staring at her phone, I'd think it was time to end the wretched Family Move Night ritual, as nobody's getting much out of it any more. It's perfectly normal for a 12 yr old girl to prefer to be on her phone.

MN is very, very weird about alcohol. It's either all or nothing.

There's also this bizarre piety on this thread about "breaking a promise" to a child. A 12 yr old is old enough to be flexible, and undoubtedly would have been, had the situation been reversed.

NannyOgg

Good for you. But some of us grew up in homes with only 1 parent who worked herself into the ground keeping a roof over our heads.

We also had a not brilliant start to life thanks to our other parent.........despite dealing with actual trauma far and beyond a missed movie night we still managed not to go around kicking people.

Well this has been great thanks everyone. Lots of food for thought there. I wish I could warm up to her and not put myself at front and centre all the time. I think posters who can't admit to not liking their kids SOME of the time either are lucky not to have been there (yet) or are delusional. It's important to be honest on here, though I did feel the need to namechange for fear of the judgement. We do do a lot of family film nights so not too guilty about canceling last night. Will check tonight the mystery of the water bottle but last nights events were a part of a loooong haul re dd and my relationship with her. I am just a human trying to cope and don't get it right all the time. Note to self, I will try and actually read some of those parenting books recommended and the ones i have on my shelf. I also had an upbringing which was colourful which probably has an influence, so I need to have a think about what dd needs objectively and try and provide it. I always have....but it doesn't seem to work hence post.

While you are here then, op, can you talk a little more around the context of the kick, as that seems to be whats driving most of the division here?

OP, if you are still reading: I love all my children desperately and equally and would chuck myself under a bus any day to save any one of them. However, I have had my moments of not feeling the liking for all of them, and some have been more trying than others. There is nothing odd about this. I think they have felt the same about me, too!

@SimoneLeBone

Agree with everything *@Oblomov20 and @Bookworming* have said.

I would choose to chat with friends (especially during a lockdown, when I can't see them!) than slavishly sit through a Family Movie Night on the sofa.

The OP evidently does lots with and for her DD, and doesn't deserve to be kicked for chatting to her friends and having a drink. Though if the OP's DD spent Movie Night staring at her phone, I'd think it was time to end the wretched Family Move Night ritual, as nobody's getting much out of it any more. It's perfectly normal for a 12 yr old girl to prefer to be on her phone.

MN is very, very weird about alcohol. It's either all or nothing.

There's also this bizarre piety on this thread about "breaking a promise" to a child. A 12 yr old is old enough to be flexible, and undoubtedly would have been, had the situation been reversed.

This post is so misguided on so many levels.

Given a choice between reading a book and browsing a phone, a lot of people would gravitate to the latter (even while actually reading). That isn’t because they intrinsically prefer it: it’s because it’s the path of least resistance. Addictive and gratifying in the moment, capitalising on our short attention spans. It’s how smart phones are designed to operate. That does not mean it’s never worth trying to read a book, or sit through a movie. I would’ve expected OP, not to rebuke her daughter for the admission, but to acknowledge that it’s an easy thing to fall into, and make a promise that they’ll both try to put their phones away for the duration of their next film.

How sad, also, that you characterise time spent with one’s own family as ‘slavish’.

Can I ask? If you were drunk are you sure she actually kicked you on purpose rather than kicked out as water leaked onto her? When drunk everyone knows that balance isn’t a strong point. Did she jerk and you lose balance; thus falling off of the bed?

You what? @Redolent

Your response to my post shows how things immediately become skewed on MN.

I don't think that time spent with one's own family is "slavish". I have spent the past 20 years devoting myself to my children, so am no stranger to putting myself out for my offspring. However, given that the OP evidently also spends a lot of time with her DD, and facilitating her DD's life, I do think - in the context of a family where the parent/s spend a lot of time with their children - it sounds as it would be "slavish" to continue with a movie night that nobody in the family is that bothered about.

As for smartphones: my house has about 4,000 books in it, and I write books so am no stranger to them. I don't have a smartphone, as I hate them. Only one of my teenagers (the youngest - 16) has a smartphone, which she saved up for, and the others prefer books. However, I'm not stupid enough to think that phones aren't a huge draw for a very large number of teens and pre-teens.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

NannyOgg

Good for you. But some of us grew up in homes with only 1 parent who worked herself into the ground keeping a roof over our heads.

We also had a not brilliant start to life thanks to our other parent.........despite dealing with actual trauma far and beyond a missed movie night we still managed not to go around kicking people.

Some did certainly.

But your implication was that it was the norm and all children today are delicate flowers because of over-cosseting

Not the case.

@embarasseddd12
I wish I could warm up to her and not put myself at front and centre all the time

What do you mean by that?

[quote SBTLove]@ForTheLoveOfSleep
Some wine does not equal a drunk, pissed or rambling parent, most ppl can have a few glasses and still be fully functioning.
Heaven forbid parents don’t pander to kids 24/7, she’s 12 not 2 and in a room with her siblings not abandoned in a cupboard ffs.
No wonder we have so many spoiled entitled brats.[/quote]
The OP admits she was drunk and may have been rambling. My point was you stated that sat in a room watching a film was boring but was ok for the children to do. You really took that personally I see 😂. Oh and "spoiled entitled brats" are generally the ones who are given whatever they want to keep them quiet. Not the children who expect their parents to keep a promise and get upset when they don't.

The way you talk about your daughter is awful. Maybe you need to think about that rather any perceived flaw with her. You also sound remarkably childish. The way you write is bizarre.

I can't believe you even have to ask to be honest. YABU

This incident is almost irrelevant, you have said your relationship with your older daughter got so bad you weren't sure it was going to recover and now your relationship with your younger daughter is very difficult and you found her a difficult infant. I'd be considering what it is that's made my relationships with both daughters so troubled and work from there, how are your relationships with your sons? How is/was the relationship with your mother?
The kicking is unacceptable whatever the circumstance and she should know that and also that you're sorry for abandoning you're plans with her, personally if I double booked it would be my friend I rainchecked, or watch a film with DC earlier then chat with friends etc. However there is clearly more to this scenario and only you can unpick that really.