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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

243 replies

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:24

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

OP posts:
whatisthislifesofullofcare · 15/11/2020 13:24

The mother may have ‘nearly’ fallen off the bed because she had been drinking and, if the 12yo had been in a single bed, the mother was likely perched on the end of it.

Imagine also a child possibly struggling to communicate, then an adult who has just broken her promise, coming in and garbling on oboit another lot of promises.

The child could be strung out, tense, the amygdala alerted, so when the water touched her leg she kicked out.

To all of the ‘in my house that would be severe punishment’ remember, you won’t always be the big one, kids grow up....and grow away. And write on stately homes threads.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/11/2020 13:25

@Disfordarkchocolate

So, you prioritised a zoom call and wine with your friends and then critised her for being on her phone and not engaged?

She should kick you but frankly you are oblivious to your own behaviour.

Fucking hell. Yes, mothers of the world, submit to your child's wants at every turn or take the kicking you rightly deserve.

Get a fucking grip, this is turning into a hysterical pile on.

Happyheartlovelife · 15/11/2020 13:25

It doesn’t make sense. Did she kick you on purpose? Are you sure s not a reflex? I have weird type seizures. Where I can kick....you sure it wasn’t like that?

HamishDent · 15/11/2020 13:25

OP is also entitled to have a social life and spend time with her friends. She’s an individual, not just a parent. She made every effort to make the evening as fun as possible for her daughter and got a kick in return. Not acceptable.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/11/2020 13:28

Presumably she got drunk (and actually she says she did not) because she's a fucking adult who is allowed to do whatever she wants!

The puritans on this thread must be supporting the buckled shoe market singlehandedly.

BrummyMum1 · 15/11/2020 13:28

Obviously she shouldn’t have kicked you. But you’re not setting a good example by cancelling family time last minute and storming out of a room swearing rather than having a frank adult conversation with her. Set some clear rules and follow them yourself before you expect her to do the same.

blackcat86 · 15/11/2020 13:30

Shes 12 not to. So what if you let out the odd swear word. Its not ideal but at secondary age I wouldn't sweat it. What I would sweat is my 12 year old kicking me and then me simply asking if she was going to say sorry as if that was in any way adequate. Where is the parenting here? Also why are you cancelling your DC instead of a drunk zoom call with your mates? Bizarre.

Bluejewel · 15/11/2020 13:33

12 year olds have it pretty tough - lots of changes and then add in a pandemic - add in a mum having a couple of glasses of wine and more interested in a zoom call with friends than family movie night - and you end up with a disgruntled 12 year old . I’m not that surprised you got a reaction . It also feels like your stressing the nice conversations you have with her which makes it sound a bit artificial and as if your avoiding her real problems . 12 year olds are volatile creatures - and maybe you need to just think on your feet and have a real conversation with her.

UsernameChat · 15/11/2020 13:39

The swearing wouldn't bother me as much as choosing a zoom call with mates over an evening with your kids. You snapped and said something without thinking because you were shocked and a bit hurt at being kicked off the bed. (Your DD kicking you is absolutely not on.) I'd apologise and move on. It's a small mistake in the grand scheme of things.

I'm surprised you had a go at her for looking at her phone instead of watching the film - which you failed to join them for, even though it was supposed to be a family evening. Surely she's old enough to decide how to enjoy herself at home?

YABU for feeling hard done by. If I were your DD - who you admit is going through pretty big changes at the moment - I'd feel really hacked off that my mum couldn't be arsed spending a couple of hours watching a film with me.

ktp100 · 15/11/2020 13:42

Stop banging on about the bloody double booking and realise that you CHOSE YOUR FRIENDS OVER TIME WITH YOUR KIDS.

That's the issue!!!! The swearing wasn't great and the kicking needs to be dealt with but your failure was in ditching your kids to drink wine with friends!

FFS, could it be more obvious??!!

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/11/2020 13:44

I think the kick and the swearing are the least of your problems.

I am wondering whether you have a habit of criticising things she does or when she tells you about something that has happened you tell her a better way of doing it for next time. Or if she asks you for help you don’t fix the problem

3 times in 12 hours you have either ignored her or criticised her about something she has told you about and in her eyes there is no point in going to her mother because you aren’t there for her.
I think the reaction of never telling you anything again is not a spur of the moment statement. I think it has built up over years.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/11/2020 13:54

@ktp100

Stop banging on about the bloody double booking and realise that you CHOSE YOUR FRIENDS OVER TIME WITH YOUR KIDS.

That's the issue!!!! The swearing wasn't great and the kicking needs to be dealt with but your failure was in ditching your kids to drink wine with friends!

FFS, could it be more obvious??!!

So what? In all honesty, so what? It's one night. Kids don't always come first. That shouldn't really be breaking news.
SBTLove · 15/11/2020 13:57

MN overreaction as per, drinking wine and saying shit does not make a bad drunk parent ffs.
Your DD sounds very rude and out of line kicking you, I wouldn’t be apologising for saying shit, she’s 12 and I’m sure wasn’t shocked.
I don’t agree with the MN thing that D.C. are the centre of the universe and must be pandered and accommodated at every turn, she needs to accept things change and won’t always go her way, also OP criticising her for being on her phone rather than pointedly watching the movie is daft.

Maybe83 · 15/11/2020 13:57

You compounded you fuck up this morning by choosing to lecture her on being on her phone while watching a film you couldn't even be bothered to watch with them!

So what if she choose that time to go on her phone. It made absolutely no difference to you as you were on a zoom call socialising with your friends.

You do sound fairly critical of her and you don't sound like you have a particularly close relationship.

I would choose to work on that before the gulf between you continues to widen.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 13:58

Some of these responses are just plain odd. I am unsure of it’s a reading comprehension issue? Clearly no one has said rhe op isn’t entitled to time with her friends, how very bizzare to think that is what’s been said.

What’s being said is in this instance, the op prioritise her mates over her struggling child, even though she’d made a commitment to her child, then she criticised her child for doing exactly the same thing as she had done. Bow out of the movie and spend the time on her phone. And then oddly tried to claim watching the movie was in some way “engaging with the world around her”

And when her daughter kicked out, it’s no where near clear If she suddenly kicked her mother in a violent act, or more likely she felt her water bottle leak and reacted fast, hitting the op in the process. Who then proceeded to stomp out like an immature teen shouting i don’t give a shit about your water bottle.

SBTLove · 15/11/2020 13:59

Family time is a nonsense on MN, what we should all line up on the sofa, eyes front and watch a movie and never deviate? How boring.

thebeautyoftherain · 15/11/2020 14:09

If you make a promise to your child you have to be sure and follow through unless something terribly important happens, ie family member getting taken to hospital etc. Not just a piss up with your mates. This is why I'm so careful before I mention things to my DD because plans can change but it affects children if they were looking forward to doing something. No reason to kick you though.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 14:12

@SBTLove

Family time is a nonsense on MN, what we should all line up on the sofa, eyes front and watch a movie and never deviate? How boring.
Yes, bravo, that’s what folks are saying

Slow hand clap. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Kanaloa · 15/11/2020 14:14

The point isn’t the movie as such though, it’s the promise. Of course it’s ok for adults to socialise and kids shouldn’t always be the focus, however that doesn’t mean promising to do something with them then cancelling on the last minute. Watching a film with your mum as a 12yo is very different than watching it with your three brothers.

HappyDays10101 · 15/11/2020 14:15

said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her

This comes across really condescending. Watching a film is hardly ‘engaging with life’!

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/11/2020 14:17

@thebeautyoftherain

If you make a promise to your child you have to be sure and follow through unless something terribly important happens, ie family member getting taken to hospital etc. Not just a piss up with your mates. This is why I'm so careful before I mention things to my DD because plans can change but it affects children if they were looking forward to doing something. No reason to kick you though.
You can only change plans if someone ends up in hospital?? Fuck me that's a fairly rigid way to live.
SBTLove · 15/11/2020 14:17

@Bluntness100
aren’t you a charmer, feel better making snide comments?

BritWifeinUSA · 15/11/2020 14:17

So you’d rather not to miss a virtual piss-up with your friends on Zoom than break a promise to your children?

OK...

And then you seem annoyed that she didn’t watch the film but played on her phone/texted her friends but you didn’t watch it either because you’d rather Zoom and get sloshed with your friends... double standards much?

Arielsgift · 15/11/2020 14:20

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

Your 12 year old kicked you and people are telling you off for not watching a movie Confused

I'd certainly have reacted much more strongly than you did! Seems like she's got away with booting you and doesn't actually give a shit. Saying the word shit to an almost-teen is nothing.

Madness isn't it?

I wouldn't have lived to see another day for i'd kicked my mother like that.

Arielsgift · 15/11/2020 14:23

if i'd*

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