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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

243 replies

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:24

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

OP posts:

Twinkie01 · 15/11/2020 11:39

Why was a zoom call with friends more important than fulfilling the promise you'd made to your kids?

rawlikesushi · 15/11/2020 11:40

@embarasseddd12

my life is really busy and sometimes double bookings have happened do to life and illnesses and unforseen events etc but I have made sure I do things with her like shopping, cinema trips just us 2 etc. surprised to be judged on that rather than the swearing!!

Everyone double books sometimes but I don't think many people would cancel their kids.

TheRogueApostrophe · 15/11/2020 11:41

I don't think the swearing is an issue. It was only "shit"; she'll have heard far worse and it's not like it was directed at her (would be worse if you'd called her a "little shit" etc). I agree with PPs about prioritising drinking with friends over spending time together with the children as promised.

No one here can tell you why she kicked you. You should probably have dealt with that at the time instead of stomping out.

flaviaritt · 15/11/2020 11:41

She kicked you and that was very wrong of her (there needs to be a consequence). But you owe her an apology for ditching her for your mates.

Storyoftonight · 15/11/2020 11:42

Surprised at PP responses if I'm honest. She shouldn't have kicked you but she is 12 and frustrated and learning her boundaries.

You are supposed to be setting an example. You cancelled plans with her to prioritise your friends , rocked into her room drunk and prattled on about colour of her room, and when she kicked you replied like a petulant child telling her you don't give a shit about her water bottle. She was out of order but you far more so.

HmmSureJan · 15/11/2020 11:43

Were you being drunk and annoying? I used to hate my parents being drunk.

Pieceofpurplesky · 15/11/2020 11:43

A few questions

How drunk were you?
Had the bottle leaked?
Did she kick out because hot water was pouring on her leg?
Are you sure it was a nice conversation or were you drunk talking and upsetting her?
Was it a film she wanted to watch or was she saying it because she wanted a lovely family evening which you ruined?

reginaphalangeeee · 15/11/2020 11:45

So you double booked, these things happen I guess, but what made you choose friends over your children?! Your daughter obviously shouldn't have kicked you, was it on purpose or an accident?

An no, you shouldn't have swore at her and stormed off, should have discussed what had happened.

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:45

@rawlikesushi imagine there was no shouting or drunkeness just a couple of glasses of wine. but yes I get your point. zoom call happened as friends are really down at the moment, kids also were there to say hi (breifly) as they are close friends. but yes to others relationship with dd is difficult at the moment

OP posts:

SockDrawer · 15/11/2020 11:45

she is just so strange...

Maybe she’s strange to you because you don’t actually communicate with her? She kicked you and you wonder why - but instead of asking her you come in here and ask us. Listen to your daughter. Talk with her, not at her.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/11/2020 11:46

It doesn't sound like you're very close with her. I imagine she kicked you lashing out at not spending the evening with them as promised as she doesn't know how to communicate with you. As for telling her off for being on her phone, I assume talking to friends on social media...pot, kettle, black???

You said yourself she's hormonal, 12 is a horrid age for a girl and she clearly needs her mum

dottiedaisee · 15/11/2020 11:47

Sorry I am not a sweary person at all but saying shit in front of a twelve year old is not a big deal ! When my daughter was twelve she most definitely would have preferred interacting with her friends on mobile rather than watching a film with the family...it really is normal behaviour. The kick though was really not acceptable behaviour!

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:49

@pieceofpurplesky oh god maybe I was a bit drunk, I would never lose it like that normally. no the water bottle was more the trigger after the kick (which was on purpose) and wasn't hot water. that was the trigger which made me lose it. but yes you're right I think I must have annoyed her. kicking though wtf.

OP posts:

TicTacTwo · 15/11/2020 11:50

Not sure that Zoom drinking was more important than the movie when your dd and you are on shaky ground. I'm not saying that kids always trump other stuff in your life but if her friendship issues involve being rejected or being taken granted for then rejection from you too is a straw that broke the camel's back. She shouldn't have kicked you but I think you were unfair to criticise her for being on her phone rather than watch the movie. She was probably not that bothered about the movie - the draw was watching it with you but you had checked out by zooming. To her watching TikTok on her phone is no different to tv. She's not bothered by her sibling's presence she wanted you.

Double bookings happen and the swearing when the brought up the water bottle was understandable as it was a strange reaction to have.

She needs to work out better ways of expressing herself than kicking and if she was angry that you chose your friends then she'd ideally had told you at the time. How would you have reacted if she asked you to cancel your friends? Do you double book often or is this a one off?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/11/2020 11:51

Your relationship with her is difficult, so you make her promises, then break those promises in favour of your mates, then critisise her for not watching the film, then come on here and talk about her in a very cold way.

The kicking isn't great, of course not, but it sounds like you are pushing her away, she is reacting to that, which is making you push her away further.... and on and on it goes.

howtobe · 15/11/2020 11:51

Doesn’t matter if you double booked her. These things happen.

She’s 12 and she kicked you. The punishment in my house for that would be severe.

Original poster

embarasseddd12 · 15/11/2020 11:53

I need to think about her, if I am honest I have found her difficult in the past, things don't always 'flow' in they way you think they might, eg she will leave the minute a conversation becomes boring in her eyes, so misses out on crucial info, once even missed out being on TV because she'd gone off somewhere more interesting- she was gutted but it was karma. just waiting for her to mature I suppose.

OP posts:

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 15/11/2020 11:53

Swearing is just swearing, you can easily acknowledge it, it’s no big deal. Especially as you didn’t swear AT her.

But all the time she had been looking forward to sitting with you and enjoying a film, she could hear you laughing and drinking with your friends.

You are very hard in her.

And you then criticised her when she told you she didn’t watch the film.

She shouldn’t have kicked you. She apologised, and you then went in to criticise her.

Did you apologise for not watching the film with her?

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/11/2020 11:53

She’s 12 not 2. A cancelled zoom call or periods doesn’t give her a free pass to kick you. In your position I would have taken her phone away permanently.

TheRogueApostrophe · 15/11/2020 11:55

she is just so strange

In what way is she strange? That's quite an odd way to describe your dd.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/11/2020 11:55

It sounds like you've signed out of actually parenting her because she is 'difficult', you can't wait around for her to mature and then start having a relationship because it's easier for you.

TicTacTwo · 15/11/2020 11:55

Could the call not have been wrapped up in 30-45 mins and the movie started later? It was Saturday night so going to bed an hour later wouldn't hurt a young teen?

funnylittlefloozie · 15/11/2020 11:55

I would take away her phone for the day as a punishment for kicking.

I cant really get worked up over saying "shit". My kid grew up in and around rugby clubs and working stables, so heard many more interesting words than "shit"...

Kittykat93 · 15/11/2020 11:57

I would never have dreamed of kicking my mum.. At 12 years old that's really horrible behaviour. But you shouldn't have cancelled the plans with your child. You're both in the wrong.

Seeline · 15/11/2020 11:57

How has your DD coped with lockdown?
Has she just started secondary?
What are her friends like?

12 is a horrible age, hormones etc, and coupled with the current situation it's tough. Oh and they are all on their phones - how else are they keeping in contact with friends at the moment?

Sounds like you need a real heart-to-heart.

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