was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

[embarasseddd12]

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

just waiting for her to mature I suppose.

Might be reading too much into it, but it sounds to me like you've been waiting for her to mature for years now. I get that - I prefer my teens to toddlers - but there are things we miss when we don't try to connect with where they are now. You could have asked what she had been doing on the phone or had a laugh that you two had both pretty much done the same thing or talked about remaking time to focus on life around you both together -- but instead you dumped judgement on her for not meeting your idea of mature about watching a movie. I don't get how watching a movie is more 'engaging with life around her' than her phone and as others pointed out, it sounds like an example of being annoyed in her for something you're doing too.

In agreeing to not kick and swear, it would probably have been a good idea to discuss why it happened again. Her kicking could have been about the water bottle busting as a reaction to the sensation but she delayed in noticing it, it could have been about you choosing your friends and drink over her, it could have just been tensions over many things bursting at once as emotions and hormones are so hard to handle at that age - not right, just something to work on. Your swearing was linked to the kick, but also probably your long growing frustration towards her - not right, just something to work on.

Also, well before 12, I could tell when my parents had just one drink. I could tell when they had just one spliff or when they'd mixed their recreational drugs of choice for the evening. I think a lot of people don't realize just how intoxicated they appear to others who aren't and how off putting that is. At that age, I found it very hard to maintain a conversation or be around them like that and even now I find over-affectionate cheery talk that reminds me intoxicated people creeps me out. Part of me wishes I'd been brave enough to lash out, even if it would have been wrong and risky, rather than withdraw and wasting so much effort to be the mature one.

You're risking her maturing right out of involving you in her life and I'd take what she said as that starting to happen. You feeling hard towards her isn't going to change that and buying things or trips isn't going to reforge the connection here either. A social life is very important and most kids at this age can deal with those sorts of changed, but there is obviously a lot going on beyond this that has made this situation blow up that might be a good spark to reflect and rework a few things in your connection and family life.

Her actions were completely wrong, yours were understandable and you apologised

What’s understandable about breaking a commitment to your kids then criticising your daughter for doing what you did? What’s understandable about calling her strange?

What’s understandable about having a zoom call with friends because they are really down, when your own kid is also down, having friendship issues, possible bullying and just started her periods but telling her she’s not as important? So you’ll sit and drink and zoom with your mates instead?

I think the double booking is a side note. Of course that happens and I just don't see the big deal.

You set the children up with a lovely room and treats to watch their film.

It sounds to me as though she burnt herself on the water leaking, so the kick was one of shock not purposely aimed at you? Check this with her.

Equally, it sounds as though you swore out of shock. The fact you apologised first thing this morning is good - you were right to say sorry.

Clearly try not to swear again but in that circumstance I don't think YABU.

YANBU - shit is hardly even a swear word so forget about it. You said your DD is having friendship issues, I wonder if that is more the issue here because you were having a good time talking to your friends on Zoom, does she have any close friends? She also might have been on her phone on social media seeing other people talking with friends etc and reminded her even more about the friendship issues? Whatever the reason you should want to talk to her and find out. The kicking is totally unacceptable no matter how hormonal or annoyed she was. She doesn’t sound like a very nice child no, but as her parent it’s your responsibility to be helping her become a better kinder person so that she can form friendships and mature. Don’t give up on her OP!

Thinking you’re making a big deal out of her being on her phone!

You say your dd is strange- that's the problem. I would be very surprised if she wasnt totally aware of your opinion. I certainly was well aware at the same age and it did nothing for our relationship, or lack of it. If I'm honest I would be concerned at your relationship into the future. It's not easy to convince a teen that your seeming dislike of them hides the fact that that you love and respect them.

The first thing you should have done was punish her for kicking you. You should have rearranged the zoom call.
Why are you bothered that she was on her phone whilst watching the film. You can’t force someone to engage with something if they don’t want to.

I can’t believe these responses!
We all double book at times and there is nothing wrong with choosing friends over dc if it’s a one off and you do plenty of other things with dc (which OP says she does).
Sometimes plans change and people feel disappointed- we don’t go round kicking each other.
Your dd was completely out of order and I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.

Also are you sure she kicked you on purpose like you’re portraying op and not because she felt her water bottle leak?

Were you a bit pissed and misunderstood what happened?

So, basically, you dropped her and her siblings to have a drink with mates, probably sat on her bed rambling a little (as we all do) after a drink, keeping her awake. She probably kicked out to get you to go away. Not that kicking is acceptable.
Reading the rest, she sounds like a normal teen. And adult for that- loads of people sit and go on phones with tv on. She probably didn’t want to be sat with just her brothers whilst you had fun.
Get to know her a little, it sounds like your idea of her isn’t her idea of her.

YABU.

What you said to your daughter is unacceptable. She kicked you because you broke your promise about watching a film. You could have had a 20 min Zoom with your friends and then joined them for the film. Why did you get drunk?!

Then to go and expect her to be pleased with you when you let her down.

You're as immature as each other which is fine for a 12 yr old but you need to grow up.

You should have been apologising more than her.

I can't believe how many people are ok with what you said. Shit is a mild swear word. Telling a clearly upset 12 year old child thst you don't give a shit about their problem, to me is quite another. Really unpleasant way to speak to a child which, unless it's your regular way of speaking, Would perhaps suggest your drink had had more effect than you first realised.

I'm with the people who understand why your dd was resentful that you chose to get pissed with virtual friends rather than spend time as a family.

And you call her strange?

@39weekswithno2

What should you do? Keep your promises to your kids instead of getting drunk over zoom with friends. Also, you criticised her for being on her phone all evening instead of watching the film - exactly what you did then?

Agree OP should have kept her promise but that doesn’t justify a 12 year old kicking her mother with hard enough force to kick her off the bed!

It also seems op that this is history repeating itself as you had similar issues with your eldest? And you don’t feel bad about letting her down, or putting your mates first, or even telling her off for doing what you did or even bizarrely claiming watching a movie is engaging with the world around her, but you only feel bad for swearing?

You’re a really odd kind of parent OP.

The way you talk about your daughter is very detached and well, you don’t seem bothered about her. Apart from the fact she kicked you, which could have been accidental. But you don’t know because you haven’t actually asked her; you’re just waiting for her to “mature”.

She needs your guide and support.

You should not have cancelled the movie night to get drunk with your friends. They’re never more important than your children.

Try bring her mother and you might see a positive change.

The swearing, a strange focus of your concern, is really not a big deal. I’m 100% sure your daughter hears (and probably says) far worse swear words when she’s in school and around her friends.

guidance and being her mother.

This is so bizarre.

This child kicked her mother - maybe she was pissed off about the zoom call, but so what? Are we condoning physical violence if the child is upset now?!

Fucking gobsmacked. I would have sworn and the kid would have got a punishment, no way would I be wringing my hands over missing an at-home movie night, which while annoying, can be replicated practically any day of the week.

Agree OP should have kept her promise but that doesn’t justify a 12 year old kicking her mother with hard enough force to kick her off the bed

Honestly she could easily have kicked out because she felt her water bottle leak. And it’s just the op thought she’d done it on purpose and then stomped off like a petulant teen and now feels bad about it.

Agree OP should have kept her promise but that doesn’t justify a 12 year old kicking her mother with hard enough force to kick her off the bed!

A drunk person doesn't have as much core stability as a sober one. It probably didn't take much to topple her over.

She shouldn’t have kicked. You shouldn’t have sworn. You both apologise for losing your tempers and move on.

But I don’t think it’s fair to have a go at her for not engaging in the family activity that you had already opted out of to get drunk with your friends on zoom.

She shouldn’t have kicked you at all. It doesn’t matter whether you watched the film or not. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and she doesn’t seem to care either, which would deeply concern me. She would be facing serious sanctions if she were mine.

I think you need to find out if she kicked out because the water leaked (a surprised reaction) or she was aiming for you. Was it a drinking or hot water bottle. If it's the latter you'd expect a bigger reaction because the water is boiling.

Having read some of the replies I think the theory that you might have been too loud and chatty because of the drink is a possibility. How many did you have? You missed the movie so presumably you were drinking for a couple of hours at least?

The swearing is a non-issue. You didn't swear at her and call her a bitch or something- that would have been serious

How is calling a child a weasel abusive? The kid isn't reading this

If she kicked you deliberately that was out of order and she should face consequences for that.
Are you absolutely sure that's what happened and not that the water leak startled her and she flung her legs out? What makes you sure it was deliberate? Your difficult relationship makes you think the worst of her? Or something an outsider would have recognised as deliberate?

Re the film. did it actually matter if she watched it or not? Surely that's something you do for fun and is not mandatory? If she wanted to browse her phone while sharing snacks - who was harmed by that?

Re the zoom call. You double booked. You had two choices.

1- Cancel on your friends who would have just carried on without you, had just as nice a time and been able to arrange one with you next time and have the evening you'd promised your kids.

2 - join in with your friends and sit your kids in a different room to watch the film.