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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

438 replies

MillyA · 12/11/2020 20:04

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry Confused

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

OP posts:
LauraBassi · 12/11/2020 20:07

When he dropped dd you had every right to talk to him. And you still can.

Spinakker · 12/11/2020 20:07

Yanbu. Maybe you need to have a non threatening chat with your DH and try and get him to see that in the long term caving into him and not correcting him will not do him any favours. And he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.

38weekswithno2 · 12/11/2020 20:09

Wow, he could have really hurt your toddler. In that instance I would have given him a bolloking myself. A 9yo knows fine well that's not acceptable. Was he trying to hurt her on purpose??

BrokenBrit · 12/11/2020 20:10

Wow, he really needs to understand the consequences of his actions. At 9 years old he should absolutely not be dropping a baby! He could cause serious harm with that.
I’m pretty relaxed about most things but causing harm to others, especially to those smaller or more vulnerable yourself, is absolutely a no go.

Marcipex · 12/11/2020 20:13

Sensitive my eye. He could actually have killed her! To be honest, if he endangered my baby in that way he would get an instant walloping.

No doubt other people would hold his hand and murmur about being kind.

Original poster
MillyA · 12/11/2020 20:15

He's not here now he has gone home.

I'll be honest I'm treading on egg shells around him myself half the time because if you so much as use a firm tone he starts sobbing, It was probably me shouting "no!" that set him off today.

I've been in his life for a good few years but I still don't feel comfortable disciplining him and want DH to fulfil his role in that regard.

I have an older DS (11 and not DH's son) and I know for a fact if DH saw him do that then he'd get a good telling off.

Christ. Even our three year old gets told off when he has done something dangerous.

Never DSS though because he'll spend the next hour stood in the corner facing the wall crying and sulking.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 12/11/2020 20:15

Your need to explain to dh what is going on. Possibly he doesn’t even realise that he’s given in to ds’s tears - it’s become a habit. Explain how the baby incident could have been a lot more serious and if DS isn’t reprimanded, he won’t realise it’s wrong.

DS has learnt that if he cries, his dad will go soft on him, so he can escape being punished. He’s not sensitive, but manipulative.

Standrewsschool · 12/11/2020 20:16

You need to let him cry, and ignore his tears. Don’t give in.

Newmumatlast · 12/11/2020 20:17

I have always been of the view that in my house, if someone disrespects the rules, I am able to tell them so. It doesn't matter if it is my step child, my own child, niece or nephew, a child of a friend or an adult. You can do it in an appropriate way of course but I don't consider that overstepping

Marcipex · 12/11/2020 20:17

Of course he knows it is wrong! Your dh,is he extremely dim? Or terrified of his ex?

mbosnz · 12/11/2020 20:17

Does DH care about his son. Does he care about his daughter?

Because caring, and being a parent, means not taking the easy option, whether that's out of pity, or out of fear.

His son could get himself into serious trouble with his inappropriately aggressive physical behaviour. He could seriously hurt his little sister, with his behaviour.

He needs to have the possible consequences of his actions, for himself, and others clearly, calmly, and firmly spelt out for him, and if he continues to behave in such a manner, to be made to feel sufficient personal discomfort, in the form of consequences such as loss of devices, having to make apologies, do extra chores etc, that he thinks before he behaves in such a way yet again.

Elsiebear90 · 12/11/2020 20:18

I think at 9 he should know he can’t kick people in the genitals and pick up and throw toddlers, I would question if the water works are genuine or not tbh.

katy1213 · 12/11/2020 20:18

He sounds an unpleasant little brat.

Original poster
MillyA · 12/11/2020 20:18

I don't believe he was trying to hurt her on purpose, just being reckless and not engaging his brain.

We have a thin rug over the top of hard wood floor, how he thinks that would cushion her fall is beyond me.

I had to leave the room with DD as I was incandescent. I listened in expecting DH to give him a bollocking but nope, consoled him instead.

Earlier in the day we were playing with the little ones, jumping out from the other room and shouting "raaaah" and DSS was apparently oh so scared so we had to stop that game immediately.

Sick of it.

DH isn't home yet from taking him home but I will be addressing this when he's home. Thank you.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 12/11/2020 20:19

Are you going to wait until he kills your baby, another child or himself?

Tell him off yourself especially when he has done or is in the process of doing something dangerous don't wait for your "D"H.

If you don't take him to task now when he's 13/14 and bigger than you neither of you will have a chance of getting him to act appropriately.

Winterwoollies · 12/11/2020 20:20

Ugh. I don’t envy you this situation. He sounds like a bloody nightmare. Your H needs to step the fuck up before something really serious happens. What happened today sounded horrendous.

Newmumatlast · 12/11/2020 20:20

@MillyA

He's not here now he has gone home.

I'll be honest I'm treading on egg shells around him myself half the time because if you so much as use a firm tone he starts sobbing, It was probably me shouting "no!" that set him off today.

I've been in his life for a good few years but I still don't feel comfortable disciplining him and want DH to fulfil his role in that regard.

I have an older DS (11 and not DH's son) and I know for a fact if DH saw him do that then he'd get a good telling off.

Christ. Even our three year old gets told off when he has done something dangerous.

Never DSS though because he'll spend the next hour stood in the corner facing the wall crying and sulking.

just seen this after I posted. I apprecuate your discomfort and that it is DHs child however you do need to learn to stand up for your child where appropriate and discipline appropriately just as you would stand up for any other child and discilline your own if they were the problem. Don't wait for DH to. What if he never does? Is it ok for this to repeatedly happen to your child and you not discipline?
Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2020 20:22

I would have read that little brat the riot act for throwing your daughter, and I wouldn't care how many crocodile tears he's shedding. If your husband doesn't have the brains to discipline him, you need to.

Wyntersdiary · 12/11/2020 20:22

I Mean ..by 9 he should know you dont drop a toddler onto the floor surely :S he sounds a bit immature and i reckon thats your dh fault

Nottherealslimshady · 12/11/2020 20:29

I would have flipped on both of them. He could have killed your daughter and your husband comforted him.
I really hate when kids cry for attention and to get out of trouble. It's just ridiculous and I wont put up with it from anyones kid. How you can bear to be around either of them right now is beyond me.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/11/2020 20:29

Never DSS though because he'll spend the next hour stood in the corner facing the wall crying and sulking

So let him and ignore it. Your DH is a bad parent to his son and doing him no favours.

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/11/2020 20:32

Is it crocodile tears or is there something else going on ? Asperger dyspraxia ? Is he suffering from anxiety?
Not a lot of background info here , all children need to feel loved and safe does he?

Original poster
MillyA · 12/11/2020 20:33

Well he has just called to say he's about to set off to come back home and I had serious words.

The long and the short of it was DH saying he felt like he handled it appropriately and he didn't want DSS going into a 'panicked state' by getting shouted at.

DSS has no SEN. The 'panicked state' he's referring to is him crying because he doesn't like being told off.

The phone call came to an abrupt end after I told DH he's out of line and pointed out how he'll discipline toddlers more effectively than he will DSS.

Now DH is pissed off at me

OP posts:
Original poster
MillyA · 12/11/2020 20:34

@Pumpkinpie1

Is it crocodile tears or is there something else going on ? Asperger dyspraxia ? Is he suffering from anxiety? Not a lot of background info here , all children need to feel loved and safe does he?
He has no SEN and overall he's a much loved and secure child (in both homes)
OP posts:
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/11/2020 20:35

You have a DH problem for sure.